Heroes (TV series)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article is about the television series. For the archetype, see hero.

Heroes is a multiple Nobel Prize-award winning 2006 Reality TV game show produced in the USA. In the show, teams of mutants are given a series of random tasks to complete in order to win cash and other prizes. Although rating highly on NBC, it was put on hiatus due to scandals involving the judging process. A consultant has been brought in for the second half of the season to help resolve cheating via manipulation of timelines.

Heroes is the creation of TV producing legend Tim Kring, who was originally known as The Shredder, the big bad boss of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. One night, Tim was watching several Marvel motion pictures whilst listening to emotional music and masturbating. Tim had an epiphany: what if he was to combine the entire X-Men universe with the raw human emotion of The Cure? Thus Heroes was born.


In the season finale, Peter Petrelli wonders if he left the microwave on in his apartment.

Each of the teams on Heroes is composed of two individuals who have some type of relationship with each other. The teams represent a wide demographic of idiots, totally incompetent morons and politicians. Relationships include: Just Good Friends, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Husband/Ho, Dom/Sub and Multiple Personality Disorder. Team mates must complete their tasks together, alone, with other team mates, or not at all. If any of the teammates are unable to complete their tasks due to injury, death, or failed contract negotiations, then tough luck to them, buddy.

The show is hosted by Mohinder Suresh, who provides a 15 minute boring monologue at the beginning of each episode, and ends each episode with an Orko™ Brand Morality-monologue.

Season One[edit]

In the Season One, Suresh had two co-hosts, Eden McCain and Gabriel "My Name Is Sylar!" McBraintard, however due to behind-the-scenes conflicts between the two, Eden McCain was fired at. Gabriel "My Name Is Sylar!" McBraintard is currently under negotiations to return to the series, once certain dietary concerns have been allayed. Rumors that Gabriel "My Name Is Sylar!" McBraintard is a zombie have been rebuffed by the network with cries of "Bullshit!" and "Er... possibly not...", since he can die when a six inch spike is shoved up his asshole and/or back of his head.

Season Two[edit]

The Haitian wants you to forget Season Two existed.

Nobody seems to remember what Season Two was all about. However, from what some guys vaguely remembered, in the second season, Mohinder Suresh demands to be a participant in the highly anticipated reality TV gameshow than the host. With nobody being a host, Sylar was finally recruited and become the host. Second Two goes downhill since, as Sylar comes out with dangerous challenges which either breaks up team spirit or ultimately kills players one by one. For example, he breaks the Asian team (Hiro and Ando), by sending one to feudal Japan and leaving the other to rot in the present. He also screws with the African American team (Monica and Micah) by killing Micah's mum, causing Micah to turn emo for multiple episodes, before completely corrupting him. He even turns Mohinder's excitement to horror by making his Powerless team kill each other. The final straw is when Sylar breaks up the the Latina team {Maya and Alejandro} by killing Alejandro, and attempts to have a sexual affair with the hot Maya which leads to her getting mislead, leading to him getting mislead, leading to Mohinder getting mislead. The mishaps led to lousy ratings and the production came to a crashing halt, and Sylar was finally fired at eventually. Season Two was eventually entirely forgotten from the Heroes archives after the Haitian intervention.

Season Three[edit]

Heroes return with Season Three, featuring more intense episodes of excitement and fun. The winning team from the past two seasons, "Hiro and Ando", returns again and struggles to claim "Three in a row" medal. Sylar returns again, this time as a participant, this time pair with another psychotic individual. The Psycho team creates lots of trouble by sabotaging other teams. For one, Sylar attempts to feed his hunger by scaring the cheerleader again, this time with success, corrupting her and giving himself a death sentence (even though he can't exactly die anymore). However the torture does not stop here, Elle continues the torture by messing with the cheerleader's house. However the fun does not stop here. The Psychos even mess with the loving elderly couple. They sabotage the couple's relationship, causing the couple to complain and nag at each other in every episode until the viewer just wants to rip their hair out and make a mini 'Mr. Muggles' with it. Sigh. The second part of season three was canceled by the government. Bitter Nathan Petrelli went crying to the president about the bad ratings of the show. President Klingon Worf, after watching the reality, found everyone in the show as a threat to national security and decided to prosecute them. Despite that the cast and crew members were on the run, NBC decided to film them and air their misadventures. In the canceled Volume Four, "Fugitives," Hiro and Ando kidnap Matt's illegitimate baby son. Matt, sad of Daphne's death and his son's kidnapping, becomes a terrorist, strapping himself to bombs and yelling for them to give back Daphne after convincing everyone in a hospital she was Gwen Stefani. He tries to bomb Washington D.C., but is thwarted by Nathan. Sylar finds out that his father is John Glover from Smallville, aka Lionel Luthor, the father of Superman's arch-nemesis Lex Luthor. Sylar, realizing that he is the half-brother of Lex Luthor, decides to become the president of the United States and rule the world. In the process, he runs into Claire and impregnates her. However, Matt uses his telepathy and brainwashes Sylar into thinking he is Nathan, in effort to keep him from knowing about Claire's baby. Hiro becomes disabled, and loses his sense of smell due to nosebleeds.

Oh yeah, we forgot about Peter Petrelli. The emo got taken to the barber by his dad, and his 'bangs' were cut off, leaving him powerless. Throughout the series, he basically tries to buy wigs off Ebay, moan about how he lost his powers with his hair, so he can't be part of Heroes anymore (unless he joins Mo's loser team of boring people), and annoy his brother Nathan (who still hasn't figured out that a pair of glasses will hide his identity just fine). Peter spends all his episodes whining in front of his computer as he's constantly outbid and watching Star Trek. Sylar turns up, and after Peter works out that he also played Spock in the new Star Trek movies, chases him across New York for half the season, begging to be cast as Kirk. At the end, Peter's 'bangs' grow back in, and he gets all his power back. Then, because he's more powerful than sliced cheese, he kills the writers and writes the next season by himself, which explains why it's so shit.

Guantanamo Bay recently used this season as a new instrument of torture; however, due to the cheerleader, it failed.

Season Four (Peter Petrelli Edition)[edit]

Since Peter wrote this, he's in every single scene, even if he's taking a dump in the background. He's there all the time. He also gets to defeat everyone and it's a very biased series. Due to an argument that Matt had with Peter over his writing, Pacman was killed off. Anyway, Peter falls in love with a deaf chick on acid, Nathan dies for the nth time (so does Charlie), Matt Pacman fails to contain Gabriel "My Name is Nathan!" McBraintard twice, who then goes on to lose his love of tasty, tasty brains, Hiro squints so hard that he craps out his own nosebleed tumor, an Irish psychopath starts throwing dirt for some reason, and the cheerleader is finally shaved by lesbians in college. Mohinder watches a movie.

The season ends with the cheerleader falling off a Ferris wheel at some carnival or something and revealing her abilities to the whole world. Unfortunately, only 10 people were watching the show at this point and all of them could paint the future (like EVERYONE in the show) so no one was surprised, besides Peter, even though he wrote the frickin' thing.

Shortly afterward some fanboys mentioned a movie. This made NBC laugh so hard that it made Tim Kring a splode, bringing the show to its long-awaited conclusion and allowing the actors to find real jobs.


The show revolves around the lives of twelve different people, but much like Lost continues to add new characters each episode. The major characters are all connected at different levels of tangibility and cheese. Even though the title of the show is Heroes, approximately none of these main characters have used their powers for anything other than personal gain.

Each episode contains several plot twists. These plot twists are primarily responsible for linking the characters together and also frustrating conspiracy theorists on forums. A graphical representation of the plotline of Heroes would be akin to the artwork of a 7-year old with genetic anomalies.

It was speculated that at the end of the season, the major characters would all come together (via several more plot twists) to stop the show's protagonist - Peter - from asplodeing, but they couldn't even do that right. Many people ask the question, "If Peter can fly, why the hell didn't he just use his own powers to get away from New York rather than sacrifice his brother?" The answer to this question is that without sufficient emotional stress, Peter would have very little to whine about. It's also a whimsical way of removing the best actor from the show.

the show likes to make everything confusing and makes sure you have no idea what is going on. Claire, the emo cheerleader, that insists on killing herself just because she can come back to life, has too much family. By the end of the show, we will find out everyone is related to each other. wow, that would be shocking (NOT!!)


Season One[edit]

Team Leader Flunky Names Occupation Superpower(s) Relationship
Heroes claire010707.jpg Smith.jpg Claire
Mr. Bennet
Emo, Cheerleader! Hurrah!
Legitimate Businessman
Spontaneous whining
Heroes simone010707.jpg Heroes isaac010707.jpg Simone
Isaac Mendez
Pretentious bastard
Subtle acting
I can SEE the FUTURE, MAN with a cunt!
"Complicated" (over)
Heroes dl2010707.jpg Heroes micah010707.jpg D.L.
Numberplate Manufacturer
Father & Son
(Like that Cat Stevens song! Cool!)
Both contain a considerable amount of Dark Pigmentation (Nigers)
Astrohead.jpg AndoMasahashi.jpg Hiro
Japanese Guy
Japanese Guy's Friend
Knows every X-Man
Knows every Jenna Jameson movie
Hero and Sidekick
Both posses penises of limited size
Heroes matt010707.jpg Heroes-janice.jpg Eric/Cheno Moreno look-a-likeMatt
The Ability to forgive infidelity
Heroes nathan010707.jpg Heroes peter010707.jpg Nathan
Emo kid
Flies with the power of hot air
Optimism. Dork.
Italian brothers.
Heroes niki010707.jpg Heroes ikiN010707.jpg Niki
Internet entrepreneur
Drains wallets
Flips out and kills people
One lives in the other's brain!!!

Season Two[edit]

Team Leader Flunky Names Occupation Superpower(s) Relationship
Mohinders2.jpg Hrgs2.jpg Mohinder
Mad scientist
Mafia gunman
Shooting each other to death
Mayas2.jpg Alejandros2.JPG Maya
Cry Anthrax Tears
Anthrax Antidote
Monicas2.JPG Micahs2.jpg Monica
Whiz kid
Copy people's actions
Copy people's schoolwork
Both contain a considerable amount of Dark Pigmentation
Hiros2.JPG Andos2.JPG Hiro
Japanese Guy
Japanese Guy's Friend
Knows every X-Man
Knows every Jenna Jameson movie
Hero and Sidekick
Peters2.jpg Elles2.jpg Peter
I have no idea what?
Shockingly crispy!
Weird couple
Kaitos2.jpg Angelas2.jpg Kaito
Japanese Gay
Calculative Bitch
Coming out of the closet
Giving big tight slaps
Old folks

Season Three[edit]

Team Leader Flunky Names Occupation Superpower(s) Relationship
Arthurs3.JPG Angelas3.jpg Arthur
Power Hungry Madman
Calculative Bitch
Honey, I'm not dead!
Damn! I wish you were!
Nathans3.jpg Tracys3.jpg Nathan
Flies with the power of hot air
Freeze with the power of making ice-cream
It's just a fling
Peters3.jpg Claires3.jpg Peter
Spontaneous stupidity
Spontaneous whining
The Dynamic Emo Dual
Hiros3.jpg Andos3.jpg Hiro
Japanese Guy
Japanese Guy's Friend
Mentality of a 10 year old
Mentality of a desperado
Sidekick and Hero
Matts3.jpg Daphnes3.jpg Matt
Brain Mojo thingy
Roadrunner that goes "Beep! Beep!"
Mayas3.jpg Mohinders3.jpg Maya
Latina Crybaby
Horny Indian
Cry Anthrax Tears
Super Horny Monster
Sylars3.jpg Elles3.jpg Sylar
Serial Killer
Crazy and Unpredictable Braineater!
Shock and Awe Maneater!
Psycho meets Psycho


We all knew it.
  • Andrew: The AC himself!
  • Mohinder Suresh - An Indian professor and former taxi-driver and call-center worker. Mo is trying to achieve World peace by eradicating all of the Supa Heroes. While he assumes the identity of a kindly missionary to the people struggling with their powers, he is in fact working with Sylar. Sylar is assisting Tom Cruise and Ron L Hubbard in his effort to convert the world to Evolutionary Buddhism, on the condition that he becomes its Savior. While many believe that G2 is actually being tricked by Sylar, Sylar isn't fooling anyone with this Zane bullshit, and G2 just uses him merely for sex (G2 later turns out to be a super villain fetish). Despite being Indian, Mo has difficulty speaking with an Indian accent. He sounds like the love child of Tony Blair and Shilpa Poppadom.... maybe there's some Zane in there too. There is evidence to suggest that he is actually "Science Boy"- the superhero created by Ross Gellar. This proves that he does indeed have a power- "a superhuman thirst for knowledge".
What happens when an emo kid grow legs and wtf is this?
  • Peter "Emo Kid" Petrelli: The show's protagonist. Tim Kring, the show's creator, chose to focus the show on Peter as he is the most Emo of them all and therefore the most relevant character to popular society. His fringe, his career path, his sidebangs, his 'I only speak out of this side of my mouth because I am conflicted' speak, his savior complex and his constant jumping off of tall buildings, make him particularly relevant to the growing emo culture, and therefore extremely marketable to MySpace users worldwide. In reality, like most emos, Peter is unable to be original and must copy and absorb the powers of people who are significantly cooler than him. For instance, after absorbing Claire's ability to regenerate, he gains the ultimate emo power: the ability to slit open his arteries without dying. His showdown with Sylar is currently booked to headline the next UFC pay-per-view. He explodes and then cuts everybody's tongues out so that they can't call him a whore.
  • Nathan Petrelli: Unlike Peter, he gets into many situations that have resulted in the majority of the show's major plot developments. The Senator has been involved with his wife and also Jessica Sanders. His goons have also had significant involvement in the creation of Claire Bennet. He sleeps with every personality Ali Larter has, too. Oh, and Nathan Petrelli can fly. Or something.
  • Angela (Mama) Petrelli AKA Banana: A 1961 former hooker with a socks fetish, Angela has presumably slept with many of the males older than 60 in the show (Even with a gay Asian dude). Mama Petrelli joined Heroes as a judge after Your Mom pussy out of the show in Season 1. In season 3, She follows Mohinder moves and returns as a participant of the reality TV game, only this time she wants to adopt Gabriel McBrainBastard. When Gabriel McBrainBastard tried to brain-rape her at the end of volume 3, she decided to file for unadaption.
  • Arthur (Papa) Petrelli - Peter and Nathan's father. He was brought on after Monroe was deemed to be too popular. His super powers are to give people intestinal cramps by touching them and looking sad. In season three, he gives Peter cramps that are so bad Peter can't use his ability. He is old, and like to sleep twenty hours a day. He later gets killed when Sylar gets mad at him for not telling him the new Fall Out Boy cd was out. They say hes the main villain, but he's a mere puppet of Mr. Muggles. "HA do you really think a mortal could engineer so much chaos" Ares, Spartan total warrior.
  • Hiro "Supah Hiro!" Nakamura AKA Pikachu: A Japanese Otaku with a strong interest in the fine arts, including 17th century Baroque art and the works of Isaac Mendez. His time manipulating abilities, his ability to pick up women with brain tumors, and the fact that he is the son of Sulu make him a hero to his target audience. Hiro has most notably used his time-traveling ability to accelerate time around his chin area in order to grow far more facial hair than the average Japanese man. As well as being able to manipulate the time-space continuum, Supah Hiro! is now able to drive and speak English. This makes him superior among his extended family.
  • Ando Masahashi - This is Supah Hiro!'s sidekick. He goes on an epic journey but gets screwed up by Supah Hiro! because of a transsexual chick. There are some casino chips involved and Ando wants to fly back to Japan with a sword so that he can nail Supah Hiro!'s sister. He shoots red lightning which makes other people's abilities stronger, which, even by Sci-Fi standards, is pretty fucked up. His power, however, doesn't work on Supah Hiro! unless he uses it while they have buttsex
  • Claire "Whiner" Bennet: While the majority of the superpowers make little sense in regards to the science of genetics, and would in fact prove to be no benefit to society, the cheerleader's ability to unconsciously heal from any injury would be of great benefit to humanity. While it would be potentially beneficial to multiply the effects of her power with several of the show's prime male specimens, she was created by Mr. Linderman, and so is related to all of the other major characters. (On a side note, her mother is a typical fire-starting-money-grabbing-black-mailing-bitch-whore). Like Peter Petrelli, the character was created to draw in MySpace users, C.R.G. was created to draw in intelligent, discerning males and young women who appreciate a strong female lead. Both of these groups have responded positively to C.R.G. This has lead to the development of another superpower - her ability to appear on every episode. She is often referred to affectionately as "Jailbait" by the show's male characters (she currently rates #2 in the Pædophiles hot or not list 20 votes behind Debbie harry). Played by pro wrestler AJ Styles, but AJ is so nice, he allows some blonde from New York take the credit.
  • The Guy with the Horned Rimmed-Glasses: Evil CEO of a Paper Company and father-of-the-year candidate. He is often accosted by hoodlums who accuse him of being a secret agent for a government agency, simply because he wears Communist glasses. Horny is a loving father who takes good care of his daughter Claire. He is indifferent to his effeminate son. Horny is however in possession of an extremely useful tool known only as "the Haitian". When someone questions him, Horny pulls out his Haitian and applies it forcefully to the forehead region. From time to time, he will remove his glasses and say, "Hey, everybody, I'm Bob Hope!". He will then pull out his gun and shoot everyone in the room. He later turned away from the dark side, but still has to be reminded that shooting children is wrong. One running joke is that everyone calls him Noah, but his first name is actually Mister.
Cheers to the death of Mr. Is saaak! Yatta!
  • Is-shak "Mystery Sock" Mendez: The son of famous revolutionary Che Guevara. Mystery Sock is not truly gifted like the others. Like most people when they take copious amounts of drugs, Sock sees lots of pretty colors. He is different from most of the people who take those drugs, as he is able to paint. While many believe that he is able to paint the future, this is in fact completely untrue. One does not need superpowers to predict Cheerleaders being killed, Emos jumping off of buildings and New York City being blown up by method of nuclear warfare. In fact, all he can really do is paint exactly what's happening as you talk...and then burn it because he's high. He did however do us all a favor and shoot Simone. He later died when a sex game with SYLAR involving being nailed to the floor with paintbrushes got a bit rough. A recurring gag in the series is for characters to mispronounce his name as "eye-zak". When battling would often freak people out by painting himself saying something, then actually saying. Then beating the shit out of them. (Deceased)
  • SiMOAN - The first of the villains to be killed off. While many believed her to simply be a whore who couldn't decide between Peter and M Sock, she was in possession of her own super-power: the power to annoy. Her death was widely celebrated. Since Peter's ability to copy is triggered by thoughts of the person, and so it is more than likely that Peter will lose any remaining annoying traits now that SiMOAN is dead.
  • Nikessica Sanders: A zombie with super-human strength, Jessica has merged with her weak sister Niki. While appearing to be evil, Jessica, unlike her sister, gets the job done. While Niki's husband Delray Hawkins is trying to get his wife back, many believe that he should just face facts and go with the one who is hotter in the sack. Unlike the deadbeat husband, Jessica actually makes money for the family. She beat up the police, killed a bunch of gang members, took a tazer to a psychiatrist, slept with a congressional candidate and shot at her husband. If Heroes was a British gangsta comedy film, Jessica would be the hero. Keep that in mind. (Deceased)
  • Tracy Strauss: The very fist All-American politician to join a reality tv show. Unlike Nikessica, she is a more classy whore. She charges 13 dollars more per hour than her sister. She doesn't seem to care about her long lost sisters, only cares about sex, money and greed, dildos, washing machines, and toothpaste. She is the most ambiguous character in the show since she has betrayed everyone. She is currently looking for a third-party female blonde to have a threesome with Nathan Petrelli. In episode 20 of season 3, it was revealed that she installed Windows Vista on her Macbook Pro causing Micah's extreme disapproval. Trivia: Tracy like her sisters Nikessica Sanders, Claire Redfield, Brooke Taylor Windham, Shaniqua Jackson, Mei Ling Chong Ching Chang, and Maria Rosa Rodriguez came out the the The Octomom's pussy.
  • Delray Hawkins: Niki's husband and Micah's father. Delray has a rich heritage, as he is the child of the Non-consented sexual intercourse between legendary adventurer Jim Hawkins and his captain Long John Silver. Delray is an African-American ex-con who is trying to make a better life for his talented son, and really, has no other motivations to differentiate him from any other Ex-Con who is trying to make a better life for his talented son. Delray is a phaser who has used his powers to break out of prison, assault his wife, and break-and-enter. This turn-around from the criminal he used to be has been a great influence on his son, Micah, who has recently begun robbing ATM machines. Not even Doom Music could stop his death. (Deceased)
  • Micah - The child of Nikessica Sanders and Delray Hawkins. A reincarnation of the Biblical prophet. He is extremely talented as he is the only person in the world who can make Vista work properly. He is extremely easily influenced, as when with his mother he is a polite, discerning child. But when with his father he begins to resort to using his powers of "wire fraud" to rob ATM machines. He also has the ability to convey all the improbability of any of these powers actually occurring, seeing as evolution, if correct, takes millions of years to process, and computer technology has only existed for a couple of decades. He is the rebel in volume 4.
  • Monica Dawson -Yet another black chick to join Heroes. Oh wait... 1, 2... Never mind. When SiMOAN died, the producers realized that their reality needed a new black female character to avoid racism claims. The reason behind NBC making Monica part of Heroes was a complicated equation later revealed to the general public: Black Chick = Drama = Good Ratings. Oh and Nikessica needed a new babysitter for Micah. Monica joined the second season of Heroes as part of the African American team but kept her job at KFC for obvious reasons. She presumably had an affair with Bob Bishop- an iPod with pornographic scenes featuring Monica, her Grandma and Bob was found with content including but not limited to: light bondage, lesbian voyeurism, ear sex, pegging, zoophilia and legit plumbing tutorials. Her whereabouts are unknown as of the end of season 3.
  • Matt Pacman - Pacman's twin brother. He works for the police force and is married to a whore. He is not Telepathic, rather, he is able to intercept future episode scripts and read them prior to shooting. While his wife's thoughts have not been scripted yet, the fact that she has cheated on him and is a little tubby would mean that sex and ice-cream are going to do it for her regardless. Whenever Pacman tries to remember the future episode scripts, he becomes constipated, thus describing why he always cocks his head to the side.
  • Molly Suresh-Parkman - Micah's girlfriend. She is the by product of buttsex between Mohinder, Matt Pacman and a cellphone with GPS.
  • Sylar - Crazed bisexual super-villain bent on world domination. Formerly a clock repairman (which is the lamest job in the world), he has the power to draw cuts into people's head so that he doesn't have to slit his wrists. In addition he can pretend to be Iceman and takes steroids made from the brains he feasts on at night as a zombie. He has also tried to collect Claire on several occasions, such as the high school homecoming game, where he accidentally rapes and kills the wrong girl (though nobody really cares, as she was hottie anyways). In recent episodes he has disguised himself as an emo drag queen named "Zane". He meets Indian Dude at a homosexual bar where they converse, and later rendezvous at back at G2's apartment (the scene ends there, but we all know what happens next). He is also known for his winning of the "SCARIEST DOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE" award. In season 3, he learned how to gain other superpowers by having anal sex with other cast members. In the end, it is thought that he turned into a hero, but he is in fact just waiting for the right time to rape Peter Petrelli and eat his brains.

  • Elle Mars - Identical twin to Veronica; Elle has the ability to encase her vital organs in rubber. This saved her life in a high speed collision that involved an electricity pylon, a can of Guinness and a plastic toothbrush. Although otherwise unharmed; this caused her to absorb large amounts of charge, much like a capacitor, that is occasionally released to fry random bystanders. She also developed a deep hatred for all things Irish. Her hobbies include frying random bystanders, frying Irishmen, frying Peter Petrelli...continue ad infinitum.

  • Sandy Rimmed-Glasses - Horny's wife. Has a tendency to sudden headaches and blackouts, no doubt in a pathetic plea for attention. Due to her husband's dull nature, she develops a disturbing attachment to her dog, Mr. Fuckles.
The only recollection from the encounter with the Haitian was that magical Haitian kiss. Smooch!
  • Lyle "Larry" Rimmed-Glasses - Horny and Sandy's son. A closeted homosexual whose only purpose in the Bennet house is to take care of Mr. Fuckles. He is the only character to have appear in every episode of the show. Of course, you cannot see him due to his invisibility power.
  • Haitian - A retarded person from the unknown country of Haiti, who seems to make other people retarded, like himself. As time passes, he seems to have gained the ability to talk, gradually increasing his I.Q. from below 50 to above 70. He has raped you many times, but you can't remember it. Excluded himself in the fight against Sylar, beca- Wait... what was I saying?
  • Eric Doyle - A fat, insignificant rapist.
  • Teddy Sprague - A North Korean linked psychopath hiding in America under the guise of some pussy white guy who keeps crying over his wife, who died of a combination of Herpes, AIDS and marrying an Arab. Like most Middle-Easterners, Teddy has the power to blow up absolutely everything.
  • The Invisible Man: Claude Raines - A (gasp) invisible man and possibly the only true ‘hero’ character in the series; he is often seen to beat emos and push them off buildings (as most of them are too balless to actually do so themselves). In a later episode, it is revealed that this is something of an apology to the world; during his period of working for Thompson’s emo-exterminating company, he was found to have been hiding an emo. After turning invisible and hiding from the world in shame for several years (he killed time by feeling up random women and stealing their purses, though he denied this was because he needed the tampons-yeah, whatever), he decided to take revenge on the emos for bringing him such shame, and swore an oath against them that extended to never again touching a razor blade, an object strongly connected with emos; this is demonstrated by his classic ‘drunken tramp’ style of beard. He spent a brief period trying to teach Peter how to be un-emo, but gave up on him after the trail of wrist-blood Peter left behind led Thompson and his cronies straight to him. After leaving the show, he continued his travels through time under the guise of "The Doctor", even though he has no medical training whatsoever. He spends his time fighting giant pepper pots and people with prosthetic limbs with a girl who looks suspiciously like Clair.

  • Thompson - Jack Thompson's somewhat less evil twin. Runs some random paper company that was shut down after it was discovered that the paper they produced was too sharp at the edges, and was causing deadly papercuts. He then began making an income from castrating freaks with the paper instead. He is later pwned by Horny, beginning the long-overdue extermination of the Thompson family.
  • The Irish People - From Co. Cork. They are obsessed with iPods,as that is their only source of food. They also are not really from Cork,as shown by their accents. (Have you ever met a Corkman you could understand?). They do not know Bono. They are not stereotypical at all, despite them wearing clothes with Irish flags, Living in a pub,getting into fights and supporting Celtic. If they were stereotypes they would rob people too....oh wait...
  • OmegaFuture Super Hiro - A badass version of SuperHiro from a shitty future. He unfortunately turned emo after Ando-Kun died but found happiness with his new ass-slave Future Peter. He is shot by Future Matt Pacman in a cheap attempt to kill a main character without actually killing him.
  • Maya and Alejandro - Of little interest. They are twins who have the amazing power to cry anthrax tears. They come from Tijuana, and they use their power to enter into America free. Their main purpose is to illustrate Tim Kring's humanitarian beliefs as well as America's historic and admirable welcoming of anthrax-crying illegal immigrants into their borders. Maya is later revealed to be the most loved character in the entire Heroes series.
  • Adam Monroe - An ancient britfag, no relation to Marilyn Monroe. Supa Hiro tried to be his friend, but then Adam tried to beat him up for the lulz. This resulted in him being owned many times by Supa Hiro. Caught during necrophilia in a coffin. Locked inside and buried alive. He was then only good thing to come out of season two. In response, the writers decided to kill him to bring back Papa Petrelli, who has diarrhea twice as much as Monroe.
  • Willy Wonka - Created a formula to make chocolate which gives you abilities Called Heroes a reference to the title . originally made to give him a new ability since he was bored with the power to make up songs on the spot. But now in the future it is available to the public.
I will not be controlled by Mr. Muggles. No No!!!!!!!!!!
  • Mr. Muggles: Beneath the deceiving cute fluffy creature, lies the mastermind, the super villain boss. It is the one behind all catastrophes and chain of terrible events in our Heroes universe. It's true nature will be revealed in Season 5.
  • Turtle - A friend of Matt Pacman. He has been sent by the Animal Kingdom to destroy the evil renegade Mr. Muggles, by convincing the Foolish humans to stop loving him. Unfortunately just as Future Peter to Matt Pacman to Mr. African Issac took the turtle to Africa. To protect himself from Mr. Muggles's abilities, his shell has ultra powerful shields like the USS Voyager in the final episode.

  • Waffles - a race of food while they are evil in the series. The fact that they normally appear in heroes is because its propaganda for passive invasion of evil mind-altering.


Each episode features the teams racing to complete a series of tasks, which may at first seem to be linked in a complex and intricate manner but usually turn out to be completely random. Any clues are to be taken with a grain of salt, or sugar if preferred, and not only point the contestants and audience in the wrong direction, but are also bloody irritating.


The flying tasks was first completed by Mystery Sock, who managed to get higher than anybody else by shutting himself into a small room and painting with oils. This also allowed him to see through time, thus causing one of several breaches of the laws of physics which this program has become infamous for. It also allows him to avoid cutting himself while shaving because he can paint whether he will get cut or not. This explains the normally unshaven face of Issac, he simply does not shave when he paints a cut on his face.


A number of teams have excelled at this task, with Niki and Mystery Sock taking an early lead before being completely blown away by Claire the cheerleader - and as everyone knows, it's hard to recover quickly once blown away by a cheerleader. God it stinks when she blows of at you. I know, I got blown away when standing behind her.

Shave the Cheerleader, Shave the World[edit]

Although many of the men were eager to complete this task, they seemed to have difficulty working out which cheerleader it was they were supposed to be shaving. At one point many of them found themselves unable to leave the cheerleader's dressing room, as they found that they were encountering a certain degree of difficulty. Mostly the guys found that the cheerleaders they thought were sexy had cocks and they had a hard one up their arse, or at least, they found them very hard.


Apart from violating several human rights by perpetrating Reality TV, many viewers have complained that the continued and blatant violations of the laws of physics, causality and basic narrative structure have rendered the competition virtually meaningless. NBC responded earlier in the season by advising viewers to shut the hell up, but were eventually forced to bring in a consultant from the world's most popular BBC travel show, Doctor Who. It is unknown how long it will take audiences to catch on to the fact that this consultant is not, as is claimed, invisible, but in fact died of wheelchair of the legs several years ago.

Mind Reading[edit]

Eric WeissMatt Pacman has been accused of being able to read people's minds, thus gaining a considerable advantage over the other teams. These claims have been disputed by producers as nonsense, as they state:

  • He'd know by now that his wife has currently slept with the Green Bay Packers
  • Most of the other team members are brainless idiots, especially after personal consultation with Sylar

Time Travel[edit]

Hiro Nakamura has been accused of using his powers of time travel and stopping time to manipulate the other teams and find answers to questions before they've been asked. These claims have been disputed by producers as nonsense, as they state:

  • Shut up your gay
  • Go to hell and die

NBC director Bob Wright has responded to accusations that Mystery Sock can see through time with "Have you seen this guy? He can't even tie his shoes. When he's sober." or at least when we think he's sober usually we're high on heroin, and have a bottle of whiskey as a reserve.


  • Hiro (the Japanese time stopper) will use his powers to go back in time to prevent Simone from falling in love with an emo and a heroine addict. After experiencing her annoying traits personally, he happily abandons her to her fate.
  • Ando-kun will bang Hiro's sister and gain his very own superpower... one far more threatening to the world than some pansy atomic explosion.
  • The Invisible Man will return to his old hobby of throwing emos off of buildings and beating them with sticks.
  • Peter gets beaten with a stick again.
  • Hiro will be horrified by the disappearance of his sword. He is relieved when he learns Peter only borrowed it after misplacing his razor blades.
  • Claire will become a badar$e by not washing her hands after she uses restroom.
  • Peter goes into hiding as a DJ playing retro records, his top 6 records are:

Queen - Invisible Man

R Kelly - I believe I can fly

R Kelly - She's 15, My Niece, and I Want Her

Leonard Cohen - The Future

Jimmy Eat World - Pain

Adam & Andrew - I'm an Emo Kid


Common theory is that watching this show gives you AIDS... just like clowns' tears.

Heroes is only one letter different from Herpes.

Heroes is also an anagram of erase claire

There was common speculation as to the odds of Niki getting her tits out before the end of the first season. This proved fruitless, but it is now speculated that, as an apology to all the viewers who waited expectantly at the start of every episode with the curtains drawn and tissues at the ready, that the character will not wear a top for the entirety of the second season. Unfortunately, this too, proved false. Due to viewer's enraged dissatisfaction, she was killed off because no one liked her anymore.

In Season four, Maya will play every member of the cast. Afterwards, every Heroes viewer will commit suicide.

Peter will become a cyber rave Goth and will show ultimate love to his brother and Claire in a family love triangle to relieve the sexual frustrations of the audience to show us that the true meaning of life is love and you should not waste a moment without it.


At the end of Season 1 (In the episode 'How to stop an exploding emo') Instead of Peter exploding and destroying New York City (His exploding was a side effect of being emo, or yet another suicide attempt) his brother Nathan (His half brother who I actually a Native American cross middle eastern cross Hispanic female, who is ACTUALLY working undercover for the 'company' who are responsible for safe disposal of emos in our world) flies into the sky (with Peter by the way, if anyone forgot to mention that) and stops Peter from destroying killing all the non-emos. But as any other emo side effects the explosion DOES have problems. See, when Peter blew up in the sky he blew up the plane flight coming from Sydney to LA (Which was the main reason that people were filmed trying to survive on an island in popular Syrian TV show Lost). People being on an island in the middle of nowhere caused Nathan Petrelli to die of the *claps hands*. Peter also made things blow up in a not so popular My Chemical Romance video, on the other side of the world (In Kazakstan). This explosion triggered Global Warming, the death of Chuck Norris, the whole population of Jamaica to become extinct and the entire cast of Grey's Anatomy to get HIV, AIDS and marshmallows.

Since Peter is the reason that the TV show Lost started, he is also the reason why Aaron Echols killed Lilly on Veronica Mars, because she knew the location of the people trapped on the island (He didn't want anyone to find out because they might tell Tom from MySpace that he fucked Rory from Gilmore Girls (Who is actually a guy, hence the name!).) Veronica Mars then found out that Aaron killed her friend's mum's doctor's pimp's mini-van's driver's murderer's lawyer's daughter Lilly and went crazy and shot Prue from Ukrainian TV Hit Charmed causing her sister's, Piper and Phoebe, to become emo. Once they had became emo they shat the bats that killed Buffy The (not so great) Vampire Slayer. Peter, not knowing he had caused so much distress to TV viewers all across the Middle East, then killed Ali Larter's character Niki Sanders by 'accidentally' stabbing her seven times, shooting her three times and (just to make sure she was dead) strangling her and dangling her off the top of a building by her hair. But Peter then accidentally dropped her, while he was dangling her off the top of building by her hair, onto Oprah. Oprah then died, and her body was taken the CSI crime lab (along with other unpopular tv personalities, Marissa from The OC, JT from Degrassi and Martha Hoober from Desperate Housewives). Peter then went to the CSI crime lab to see if George Bush was lurking in the storage room banging young children and ended up blowing it up, and bringing all the bodies back to life (as zombies) with some nuclear radiation type thing. The millions of zombies then ate the brains (In true Sylar style!!) of every living human being on Planet Earth (Or Mars, I don't know ask a planet scientist type guy.), killing them all. Since zombies now ruled the world they tried to kill Peter, who can't die so he used the random Asian guy's time travel power to go back and stop Nathan from flying him up into the sky. But since Nathan didn't fly him up into the sky to devastate Middle Eastern TV viewers he blew up New York City. But somehow all the events that followed Peter blowing up a plane still happened, since the plane crashed anyway (As the pilot got distracted when the co-pilot yelled out 'Hey look, that guy's exploding!!') and the world suddenly ended when George Bush declared war on the zombies, who killed him since he was the only actual human left on Earth. The zombie that ate George Bush's brains absorbed his power of being able to believe that fish and the human race to co-exist peacefully, the zombie could not control this power and when Peter absorbed the power he blew up (again...), killing all the zombies and successfully being the last person on earth. He then cut his wrists because he was all alone in the world (literally..), but of course it healed straight away, and then used his telekinesis power to move the earth towards the sun as the ULTIMATE SUICIDE ATTEMPT!! (Peter finally successfully attempted suicide after many failed attempts). Then, Dean and Sam Winchester from Supernatural made sure he was really gone by seasoning his bones with salt and frying him with petrol. Sean Connery then proceeded to read "The Catcher and the Rye" to Peter's ashes.

Airing of Heroes[edit]

Heroes airs in Belgium, Israel and some hole named Ipswich in North-Eastern Australia. It used to be aired in Mexico, but was cancelled when otakus bailed out in favor of Dragon Ball. leased.


On top of a sandwich named after the show, there is also a brand of cookies called Horeos.

Also on top of a sandwich is a frilly toothpick.

A set of toys celebrating the series was due out summer 2007, but due to legal action cabury's miniature heroes threatened legal action, The church of Scientology also threaten to sue, as Tom cruise's sexuality is being tested by claire's 'jail bait like' attraction.

There is also a brand of chocolates based on it Cadburys heroes each chocolate bar can give you a power it is based off the fact hat in the future in season 3 loads of people get powers by eating chocolate.

See also[edit]