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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Thursday, October 6, 2022, 15:19:59 (UTC)

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Uncyclopedia defends inept comedy at Supreme Court
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Uncyclopedia is filing a copycat legal brief at the U.S. Supreme Court in Novak v. City of Parma, about an Ohio man arrested for joking about City Police.

An alleged comedy website called The Onion filed a brief defending in satire the right to write satire. Uncyclopedia's amicus curiae ("curious friend") filing seeks to extend any favorable ruling to also cover confusing, inept, and unfunny satire. Full story»

Woman robs bank and gets off
BEIRUT, Lebanon -- A local woman robbed her bank at gunpoint but has evaded prosecution on a series of technicalities.

Amateur robber Sali Hafez asked tellers to fill her bag with cash. But the teller pulled a fast one on the robber, and instead filled the bag with money from her own account. Full story»

Putin ditches nukes in favour of drugs
MOSCOW -- Vladimir Putin has threatened the world not with his nuclear arsenal, but with a barrage of fentanyl.

A key development in the Russian arsenal occurred when U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) filed H.Res. 8030, the "Fentanyl is a WMD Act". "Weapons of mass destruction kill a lot of people," Boebert reasoned. "And so does fentanyl. Ergo i.e., they are virtually the same thing." Full story»

Twitter's Agrawal is deposed
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Parag Agrawal has been deposed as Chief Executive of Twitter.

Breitbart and CNN gave conflicting reports on when Agrawal was or wasn't deposed. However, if he were deposed, the giant global hub for short, cryptic messages would be left leaderless against the acquisition attempt by Elon Musk. Full story»

Nvidia chief repeals Moore's Law
SAN JOSE, California -- Jensen Huang, CEO of Nvidia, has repealed Moore's Law, which calls for ever-increasing value in semiconductors. Its replacement, Jensen's Law, states: "If you want the newest first, you are going to pay through the nose."

Moore's Law was named after Shelley Moore Capito (R-WV), who recently explained that West Virginia's other U.S. Senator, Joe Manchin, is "a chump." Full story»

Old lady dies of old age
LONDON -- Britons are stunned that an old lady could die peacefully of old age.

Queen Elizabeth II passed away shortly after the UK's new prime minister, Liz Truss, kissed Her Former Majesty on the hand. The palace guards say this was just a 'coincidence', though several whisper that the queen didn't want to die with Boris Johnson still in charge. Full story»

Britons to shut up on Sunday‎
LONDON -- (Gnome-speakernotes.svg listen) Britain is to observe a 'minute of silence' Sunday before the burial of Queen Elizabeth II.

The Queen had outlived nearly all other Britons, and thus almost no one has been asked to be silent for a full minute in their entire lives. In fact, most Britons are unable to 'put a sock in it' for more than a few seconds. Full story»

Sexual revolution overtakes royals
EDINBURGH, Scotland -- As the Queen lay in state, LGBT activists demanded equal representation from their community, a demand met by including Prince and Sex Harassment Defendant Andrew.

Even the 1.1-mile walk behind the motorcade from Holyrood Palace was not 'straight,' as a citizen yelled, 'Sick old man!' He will now go viral. Full story»

Royal family starts Beatles cover band
LONDON -- To cope with the death of the Queen, grandsons Prince William and Prince Harry and their wives Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton will start a Beatles cover band. Markle said they made the decision at the "last minute" after a walk around the palace.

Prince Andrew will be the band's "fifth fab fourth" and will be the lead singer on "Hello Little Girl". Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»


TV Highlights October 6

The Real Scottish Referendum Documentary
BBC 1 7:00 PM GMT
The BBC reveals that only 1% of the population support Alex Salmon in the Scottish referendum. (Despite the fact that the BBC is a public service the government has in no way biased the making of this documentary).

Panorama Investigates:Does Scotland actually Influence Great Britain? Documentary
Channel 4 8:00 PM GMT
A Channel 4 reporter goes undercover disguised in a kilt to interview Scottish people and force them to tell C4 that they are unemployed.

Argentine Invasion of Scotland Plans Revealed Documentary
Channel 5 5:30 PM GMT
Channel 5 gets a new insite into the real Argentine motives as it covers an unemployed ex-Admiral of the Fleet who wants a war so that he can have an excuse to get his job back as he campaigns to prove that Argentina is still a threat to the nation.