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A newsstand that's brimming with issues UnNews Sunday, October 24, 2021, 14:53:59 (UTC)

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Kirk beams up for real
VAN HORN, Texas -- Captain James Tiberius Kirk (the non-rebooted one) blasted off Wednesday to become the oldest ham in space.

Ninety-year-old actor William Shatner, who long ago morphed into the character he has played since leaving school, was ready to literally "Oldly Go Where No Wrinkly Star Has Gone Before." Full story»

Too many pigs in petrol-starved Britain
LONDON -- British farmers are warning that pig production is in an oversupply crisis. The inability to find enough qualified abbatoir workers means they are being slaughtered at home and their bodies thrown on to bonfires.

The pig breeders claim the government of Prime Minister Boris Johnson has ignored the situation for the past year and instead has worked on his political comedy routine. Full story»

King of Canada slams "pointless" vote
OTTAWA, Ontario -- (Gnome-speakernotes.svg listen) Rex (Latin for "King") Murphy has described as "pointless" Justin Trudeau's "snap" call for federal elections on September 20.

According to His Majesty, "You don't call an election because you would like a majority, but because it seems likely that you will get a majority. Thought everyone knew that one." Full story»

Taliban leaders ban shaving again
KABUL, Afghanistan -- The new Taliban government of Afghanistan outlined its plans for the country. Razors are out, beard trimmers are back in.

The Taliban claim they will be better at public relations than their previous run in power from 1996-2001, when they banned everything that didn't have a beard and executed 'adulterers', 'apostates' and 'dancers' in the football stadium. Full story»

Australia won't rescue more Afghani; country "not big enough"
KABUL, Afghanistan -- With the U.S. withdrawing its forces, this country is rapidly falling to the Taliban.

Australian PM Scotty Morrison said, "We all saw those tragic videos from Kabul of people clinging to the sides of aircraft. Unfortunately, our own country is literally...bursting at the seams with people. Today in Australia, it is difficult to even swing one's arms around without hitting someone." Full story»

Disney forcibly vaccinates cartoon characters
BURBANK, California -- The Walt Disney Corporation has unveiled a compulsory vaccination campaign to forcibly jab thousands of trademarked cartoon characters with COVID shots.

The roll-out and implementation has been a nightmare. Certainly the intention was good, but the management has been just plain Goofy. Full story»

Bezos blasts off and returns
HOUSTON, Texas -- Space explorer Jeff Bezos zipped around the Lone Star State before floating back to Earth. Bezos wore a Stetson, similar to the one seen in the film Doctor Strangelove by actor Slim Pickens.

The billionaire founder of Amazon said, "It was seeing Slim riding a nuclear bomb at the end of the film that inspired me to go into space when I had become super-rich." Full story»

England wins the Hooligan final at Wembley
LONDON -- English hooligans are celebrating another win at the Euro 2020 Football fighting competition.

In a close match involving bottles, chairs, security barriers and racist chanting against a weaker Italian contingent at Wembley Stadium, England won the battle "easily." Nigel Farage said, "It was a great match." Full story»

Labour demands right to labour from lounge
LONDON -- Labour have demanded labourers be given the right to labour from home, according to Angela Rayner, the opposition party’s Shadow Cabinet Minister for Appeasement of British Academia Hell-Bent on Tearing Down Statues and Politicising Children.

The MP said that fat-cat property magnates should not be able to force bricklayers to lay bricks at their workplace, when they can easily do so from the comfort of their illegal conservatory extensions on Zoom. Full story»

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TV Highlights October 24

No One Is Watching Government
C-SPAN 2:00 PM EDT/1:00 CDT
Why on earth are you even reading this? You KNOW damned well you are going to click over to USA for "Law & Order: SVU" without even checking this out. That's what everybody does. Why should you be any different? We could put on footage of Richard Nixon doing the Obama twins, and STILL no one would see it. Go watch something else. Anything else. NOW.

The Nazi Eaters Documentary
A&E 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People eating fascists.

Topless Doctor's Office Reality
Showtime 3:00 PM EDT/2:00 CDT
Attractive women agree to let cameras into their mammogram sessions. Adult program