UnNews:Main Page
| The news outlet with approval higher than Congress | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Wednesday, October 9, 2024, 23:12:59 (UTC) |
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  TECHNOLOGY BEIRUT, Lebanon -- Warlord Nasrallah has mandated that Hezbollah replace all its cell phones with pagers purchased at a discount from a guy named Moshe. Sadly, this seems to have been short for Mossad.
The innovative devices exploded Tuesday, and over 3,000 holy warriors received embarrassing injuries to the face, if reading the pager at the time of the explosion, or more embarrassing injuries otherwise. Full story»  CUISINE SPRINGFIELD, Ohio -- Sleepy Springfield has been woken up with a jolt after former President Donald Trump called it the cat-and-dog-eating capital of the United States.
Basing his accusation on a spate of missing pets, Trump said immigrants from Haiti were catnapping and dog-taking all over the city for a hot dog recipe popular in their home country, second only to kitten cutlets. Full story»  WASHINGTON, D.C. -- American politics had its biggest shock since Pearl Harbor when President Joe Biden
The end of Biden's campaign came in a brief post on X (Twitter) signed by copypaste, following a rushed evacuation from a Las Vegas rally and days of mysterious silence at his Delaware home. Full story»  FOXBORO, Massachusetts -- The New England Patriots of American Football have traded veteran linebacker Matthew Judon to Atlanta for a third-round draft pick and a bag of footballs.
The move comes on the heels of releasing wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster, a likely attempt to avoid association with anything that appears even remotely Jewish. Full story»  LONDON -- Labour Party leader Sir Keir Starmer easily won the British general election against Conservative Party leader Rishi Sunak. The latter's political kamikaze stunt cost him his job whilst his Tories were reduced to three men and a dog.
It was Labour's greatest victory since Tony Blair was Prime Minister. Full story»  NAVELISM WIKIA CITY, California -- A deranged shooter opened fire on Uncyclopedia, thankfully only grazing one ear. The attack occurred on June 29. The site had been silent since then, apparently closeted with aides and planning campaign strategy.
Prior to the outage, the site had been showing signs of incipient dementia, including resisting page edits and uploads of illustrations. Full story»  VATICAN CITY -- Papal officials have revealed that recent utterances from Pope Francis are actually the work of a mechanized chat-bot.
Officials state that the offensive remarks were generated by a chat-bot, perhaps the same bug-ridden technology that has gotten Google to advise millions of users to add glue to pizza and eat one small rock every day. Full story»  LONDON -- British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak fired a water pistol to signify the start of his General Election campaign.
Standing in the pouring rain and with the sound of someone playing Things Can Only Get Wetter (the Labour Party anthem from 1997), Sunak stuck out his chin and made a damp speech. Full story»  LOS ANGELES -- Will Ferrell, the famous actor who played Jeremy Clarkson in the hit movie Grown Ups 2, has sued a dog owner for her dog looking too much like him.
The 56-year-old demanded the owner pay $20 billion upfront due to identity fraud. However, the owner protested that her "little baby couldn't help looking like your dumb ass. It's just how his face is shaped." Full story»  SCUDETTO, Italy -- The signature off-center number plate of Alfa Romeo cars is about to fall into the dustbin of history.
Recent changes to the General Safety Regulations rule that side-mounted plates pose a greater risk to pedestrians. Under this theory, a pedestrian mowed down by a motorcar might have an impression of the number plate in a single buttock. Full story» |
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story» |
TV Highlights October 9
Product Testing Lab Documentary Repeat of 1960s American Drama Drama
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