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UnFair and UnBalanced UnNews Thursday, September 23, 2021, 21:53:59 (UTC)

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King of Canada slams "pointless" vote
OTTAWA, Ontario -- (Gnome-speakernotes.svg listen) Rex (Latin for "King") Murphy has described as "pointless" Justin Trudeau's "snap" call for federal elections on September 20.

According to His Majesty, "You don't call an election because you would like a majority, but because it seems likely that you will get a majority. Thought everyone knew that one." Full story»

Taliban leaders ban shaving again
KABUL, Afghanistan -- The new Taliban government of Afghanistan outlined its plans for the country. Razors are out, beard trimmers are back in.

The Taliban claim they will be better at public relations than their previous run in power from 1996-2001, when they banned everything that didn't have a beard and executed 'adulterers', 'apostates' and 'dancers' in the football stadium. Full story»

Australia won't rescue more Afghani; country "not big enough"
KABUL, Afghanistan -- With the U.S. withdrawing its forces, this country is rapidly falling to the Taliban.

Australian PM Scotty Morrison said, "We all saw those tragic videos from Kabul of people clinging to the sides of aircraft. Unfortunately, our own country is literally...bursting at the seams with people. Today in Australia, it is difficult to even swing one's arms around without hitting someone." Full story»

Disney forcibly vaccinates cartoon characters
BURBANK, California -- The Walt Disney Corporation has unveiled a compulsory vaccination campaign to forcibly jab thousands of trademarked cartoon characters with COVID shots.

The roll-out and implementation has been a nightmare. Certainly the intention was good, but the management has been just plain Goofy. Full story»

Bezos blasts off and returns
HOUSTON, Texas -- Space explorer Jeff Bezos zipped around the Lone Star State before floating back to Earth. Bezos wore a Stetson, similar to the one seen in the film Doctor Strangelove by actor Slim Pickens.

The billionaire founder of Amazon said, "It was seeing Slim riding a nuclear bomb at the end of the film that inspired me to go into space when I had become super-rich." Full story»

England wins the Hooligan final at Wembley
LONDON -- English hooligans are celebrating another win at the Euro 2020 Football fighting competition.

In a close match involving bottles, chairs, security barriers and racist chanting against a weaker Italian contingent at Wembley Stadium, England won the battle "easily." Nigel Farage said, "It was a great match." Full story»

Labour demands right to labour from lounge
LONDON -- Labour have demanded labourers be given the right to labour from home, according to Angela Rayner, the opposition party’s Shadow Cabinet Minister for Appeasement of British Academia Hell-Bent on Tearing Down Statues and Politicising Children.

The MP said that fat-cat property magnates should not be able to force bricklayers to lay bricks at their workplace, when they can easily do so from the comfort of their illegal conservatory extensions on Zoom. Full story»

Cuomo calls gun violence the next Covid
UnNews Logo Potato1.pngALL COVID
ALBANY, N.Y. -- New York Governor Andrew Cuomo declared that gun violence was "the next Coronavirus," issuing a disaster emergency that will enable him to take decisive action without annoying waits for the state legislature in Albany to "pass bills and stuff."

The declaration lets the Governor "quickly allocate resources," assuming a minimum of delays finding new staffers who don't mind a little unwanted kissing. He did not explain how gun violence is contagious enough to be an epidemic. Full story»

Health Secretary probes link between vaccine and adultery
UnNews Logo Potato1.pngALL THE TIME
LONDON -- UK Health Secretary Matt Hancock has advised that a side-effect of the AstraZeneca coronavirus vaccine is extramarital affairs. The demographic is focused around adults between the ages of 41 and 43 employed as Health Secretaries.

Hancock reassured foreign Health Ministers that the chances of them having an affair after vaccination is only about 1 in 200, reducing to 1 in 50 after lunch. Full story»

Washington closes border to Delta variant
DELTA, B.C. -- COVID-19 has taken a turn for the worse. The World Health Organisation[who?] is warning of a deadly "Delta variant", which it named after this population-100,000 suburb of Vancouver.

Across the 49th parallel, Point Roberts, Wash. locals, who have incessantly complained that Canada closed its borders, made an about-face and built a wall overnight. They've now fled by sea to escape the dreaded Delta. All that's left is a ghost town. Full story»

El Humidor switches to Bitcoin
El Humidor -- This Central American nation is to adopt Bitcoin as legal tender. "Bitcoin has no firm backing and is subject to wild fluctuation," said President Bukele. "This makes it equal to anything we could cobble together ourselves."

70% of Humidoreans do not have bank accounts and pay cash because they cannot avail themselves of long lines, surly tellers complaining that the slip isn't filled out correctly, and bank holidays while the banknotes are replaced by ones with fewer zeroes. Full story»

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"Bush is the devil, but my friend here is devilishly cute!"

TV Highlights September 23

No One Is Watching Government
C-SPAN 2:00 PM EDT/1:00 CDT
Why on earth are you even reading this? You KNOW damned well you are going to click over to USA for "Law & Order: SVU" without even checking this out. That's what everybody does. Why should you be any different? We could put on footage of Richard Nixon doing the Obama twins, and STILL no one would see it. Go watch something else. Anything else. NOW.

The Nazi Eaters Documentary
A&E 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People eating fascists.

Topless Doctor's Office Reality
Showtime 3:00 PM EDT/2:00 CDT
Attractive women agree to let cameras into their mammogram sessions. Adult program