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Fake News that's honestly fake UnNews Thursday, January 20, 2022, 02:37:59 (UTC)

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Prince Andrew finds new role
LONDON -- Disgraced British royal Prince Andrew has decided to become the new Prince, donning purple spandex and glittery jackets.

The artist formerly known as Prince Andrew said, "I am sure the American chappie won't mind, as he has been dead since 2016," and indeed in 1993 renounced entirely the name that Andrew has adopted. Full story»

Australians say No Djokovic
UnNews Logo Potato1.pngALL AUSTRALIA...
MELBOURNE, Australia -- (UPDATED) The 2022 Australian Open will not be Open to the world's best tennis player, Novak Djokovic, who arrived lacking the required coronavirus vaccine and booster.

Immigration agents, aware of Djokovic's signature trait of barking at officials, were not amused when he insisted that he was a grown man and never uses a "booster" but sits at the grown-ups' table, all by himself. Full story»

America to ban Aussie slang
UnNews Logo Potato1.png...ALL THE TIME
SAULT STE. MARIE, Michigan -- (Gnome-speakernotes.svg listen) American students at Lake Superior State University here have started a petition to ban all Australian slang, phrases, and words from what they call the "greatest country of all time."

The dispute began when an exchange student said, "No worries, mate" — a regional alternative for "You're welcome" that usually baffles Americans. Full story»

U.S. parties compete for control of 2021
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- America's two political parties have stepped up their competition to prove that each is a better choice for the events of — last year.

Ex-President Donald Trump has spent the entire year out of office railing over flaws in the 2020 vote, but the Democratic Party conducted its own day-long retrospective on events of one year ago. Full story»

Trump makes more "conditional" endorsements
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (Gnome-speakernotes.svg listen) Donald Trump has made a new batch of "conditional" endorsements for America's 2022 election.

The move comes after Trump endorsed Alaska governor Mike Dunleavy, which Trump said was "null and void" if Dunleavy endorsed his own party's sitting Senator, Lisa Murkowski, who voted to remove Trump in his second impeachment. Trump has endorsed challenger Kelly Tshibaka, who would be the first wookie in the Senate. Full story»

North Korean celebrations don't go as planned
PYONGYANG, North Korea -- (Gnome-speakernotes.svg listen) A small nuclear exchange between the U.S. and North Korea has ended amicably.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, shockingly slim and heedless to the increased effect of New Year's booze, got the notion to fill a nuclear missile with chocolate pudding and send it in the direction of the United States, which retaliated with DVDs with the complete series of Matlock. Full story»

Shortage of reindeer will delay Christmas presents
NORTH POLE -- Santa Claus has issued a warning that Christmas deliveries in 2021 will be affected by a severe shortage of reindeer.

He has blamed competitors like Amazon and DHL for 'stealing' his reindeer with offers of better working conditions and free sugar lumps, causing an extreme shortage of these beasts. Full story»

Biden lowers gas prices
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Joe Biden has finally found a way to lower gasoline prices, which have nearly doubled since the days that CNN refers to as the Before Time.

Cancelling pipelines and oil-leasing contracts have proven ineffective at this national goal, but the President has now delegated NIAID Director Dr. Anthony Fauci to take time away from his beagles and work the problem. Full story»

Noah refused entry to COP2600BC
GOMORRAH -- Biblical prophet Noah was refused entry to the Tower of Babel Climate Change Conference (or COP2600BC in Sumerian). The wild-eyed Israelite and his family were turned away by Philistines.

Noah fumed, "I have it on very good authority (from God, as it so happens) that the world is not overheating. Instead, we're all going to drown in a vast ocean unless we all build ships like mine." Full story»

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About UnNews
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights January 20

Horizon: Investigation into whether Microbiology exists elsewhere in the Universe Science Documentary
BBC 3 7:00 PM GMT
Brian Cox gets an insight into the search of microbiology on other planets.

Who wants to be Abducted by an Alien Quiz Show
ITV1 5:00 PM GMT
A quiz show in which celebrities compete to be kidnapped by ET! (Warning: This programme is for entertainment purposes only and does not support the fact that alien life exists).

Aliens: A daily struggle to survive! Science Documentary
Channel 5 8:00 PM GMT
We meet Alan and Dave, random people off the street who claim they are aliens, to obtain true, scientifically proven facts about alien serial killers living in the Midlands with dramatic narration and the theme from Dracula playing on repeat in the background.