UnNews:Pope Francis revealed to be chat-bot

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2 June 2024

Pope Francis uses Plexiglas™ to ward off thrown objects and loose words.

VATICAN CITY -- Papal officials have revealed that recent utterances from Pope Francis are actually the work of a mechanized chat-bot.

The 87-year-old pontiff has ushered in a more sinner-friendly church during his reign, at one point saying, "There is room for everyone, just as we are" and asking, "Who am I to judge?" except perhaps Saint Peter's personal emissary on earth. He has welcomed sodomists, cross-dressers, and blasphemers into the church. (Kiddie-diddlers have been all right for decades.) Gay marriage is still taboo, though Francis has said that priests can write light platitudes in the guest book.

However, during a May 20 meeting, His Popeliness seemed to draw the line on pooftahs in the Priesthood, telling Italian bishops, "There's a bit too much faggotry in the semenaries." There is no reason that should be, least of all that grown men are cloistered in semenaries for years with all avenues of release of sexual tension strictly prohibited.

Clerics initially had awkward explanations for Francis's remark, saying it might not have been intended as a slur, that Italian is merely Francis's second language, and that there are no transcripts of the closed-door meeting — only unanimous memories of gales of belly-laughter. Reporters at Corriere della Sera, which outed Francis, insisted they replaced the term with a less offensive euphemism.

Francis went on to demand that the bishops "kick all the queers out of the seminary, even those who just wiggle their butts." Later in the week, Francis dealt with the backlash, telling another group, "There are parishes where this kind of gossip happens. Gossip doesn’t help. Gossip is for women. We wear pants; we need to say things openly." Unsurprisingly, no one did.

However, the Vatican now has a new take on Pope Francis's incipient homophobia. Officials state that the offensive remarks were actually generated by a mechanized chat-bot, perhaps the same bug-ridden technology that has gotten Google to advise millions of users to add glue to pizza and eat one small rock every day.

Professor Chirag Shah of the University of Washington says that AI engines like Google's AI Overviews use a technique called Fragment Augmented Generation to produce results. "It's the same technique formerly described as, "Garbage-In, Garbage-Out," he says. Thus, if the source data for an AI chat-bot is written by flaming homophobes, the chat-bot itself will exhibit the same tendencies.

It's not clear whether Francis was reciting remarks prepared by a chat-bot, or whether he was entirely replaced by a physical AI replica of himself and the whole meeting with the bishops was a Deep Fake. It is also unclear whether the Fake would have the same infallibility on doctrinal matters as the Pope himself does when speaking ex catheter. However, collection plates have been drying up worldwide and there is pressure for the Vatican to cost-reduce the Papacy. Replacing the job with a machine could cut costs and could make robo-Popes more ubiquitous than Santa Claus actors at shopping centers.

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