Blasphemy
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BLASPHEMY!!! God hath declared ye article BLASPHEMOUS!!!. It shall be deleted and its author shall be smitten immediately. Thus spaketh the Lord. Do something about ye problem or else we shall be forced to bring out...the comfy chair! Duh-duh-duh! |
“Jesus H. Christ! If you think I'm going to add to this Blasphemous piece of trash, you're way off.”
“I'm just plain sick of people asking me for Photo I.D...”
“This is Blasphemy! This is Madness!!”
“Jesus H. Fucking Christ, Mary was a cunt!”
“THIS IS SPARTA!!!”
“Blasphemy, blas for you, blas for everyone!”
“And so, as a BLASPHEMER!!!!!!!!, you shall be put to death.”
Blasphemy is an utterance against something holy or infinitely precious, and is accordingly quite different between cultures, religions and IQ demographics. For example, a drawing of Jesus buttfucking a pig while smoking crack may be offensive to some in Texas, while Joseph Smith unleashing an avalanche of cum unto Darwin's eye while fisting an 80-years-old shemale may be considered merely improper in formal settings, at least in principle.
French is the language with the most extensive vocabulary for blashemy. In fact, the entire French vocabulary is more or less blasphemous. To discourage further cultural degeneration however, examples will not be given on this site in the French "language".
Blasphemy gets thrown around a lot these days, so most people wonder "Jesus! What's wrong with Blasphemy anyway?" So the helpful Uncyclopedians will try to teach you a thing or two about why Blasphemy is wrong.
Origin[edit]
Uncyclopedians recognise the fact that the origins of Blasphemy were probably fairly boring; probably some guy who forgot to capitalise the G in gibraltar or ganondorf, and you'd have to be a complete douche to do that. So, without further ado, let's skip straight to some juicy examples.
Examples[edit]
Blasphemy is saying mean things about God. God doesn't like that. He's very sensitive. If you make God cry you get a massive flood.
What constitutes blasphemy include:
- Saying mean things about God or Jesus.
- Saying God or Jesus next to a derogatory word. Examples include "god damn it", "Jesus fucking Christ", or "Fuck Rush Limbaugh"
- Pointing out to religious people the flaws in their logic.
- Reading the Skeptic's Annotated Bible
- Reading the Skeptic's Annotated Quran
- Reading the Skeptic's Annotated Book of Mormon
- Actually being a skeptic of religion
- Not worshipping The One True God every week, even if you don't know which god that is or which sectarian faith represents that deity as that is your problem and not the Lord's or Jesus's problem.
- Saying God's name too loud.
- Sneezing in Church.
- Wearing boots.
- Thinking about members of the opposite sex.
- Thinking about members of your own sex.
- Thinking.
Least acceptable Blasphemy[edit]
The first and foremost example of Blasphemy is written below. Viewers beware, the following Blasphemy is not intended for persons under the age of 18 or 21, depending of your current location. Be warned, the following snippet may cause viewers to faint, wake up, see the snippet again and faint again. Ok, ready? Can't say I didn't warn you.
- "Uncyclopedia? Is that like a copy of Encyclopedia Dramatica or something?" - The Most Blasphemous Blasphemy.
Oh god damn, I think we all better take a breather. That hit me pretty hard. Ok, give yourself 5 minutes before you move on.
Most acceptable Blasphemy[edit]
This is barely a blasphemy, and it may even be argued that this is pure fact:
- "<insert name here> is a complete douche" - Most Acceptable Blasphemy.
What happens to blasphemers[edit]
Blasphemers go to Hell. This happens regardless of how morally good you are. God is like an elephant. He doesn't forget about it if you diss him or his heaven posse.
Hell is a place created by God to torture humans who He loves. If this seems odd it means you don't have enough faith so you are going to Hell.
In regards to the many problems that surround Blasphemy, there is one that stands above them all. Of course, I'm talking about the fact that the proper etiquette about how to deal with Blasphemy restricts the good people from Uncyclopedia from drawing cartoons of Muhammad shouting "Holy Shit!" as he spots Jesus carving the Crucifix into a crudely made dildo. It's times like these that you must ask yourself, "Is Blasphemy really that bad? Is it really evil?" I think you know the answer: Who, in their right mind, doesn't want to see a crucifix as a dildo? You are a blasphemer.
How to fight Blasphemy[edit]
So far, not much is known about how to fight it. Personally, I think Blasphemy is pretty damn cool, you can trick people about where you are heading with a sentence. ie. "Holy, Holy, Holy...Shit" Ha! They never saw that one coming! I start out Holy and finish with pure and utter Blasphemy, that's probably the one reason I like Blasphemy so much...It's probably also the one reason I'm not allowed to teach Sunday School any more either. But if you desperately want to fight blasphemy and you want to know what an Uncyclopedian like me would use...I'd say an axe. If it doesn't kill it, then God damn!
What you can do to avoid blaspheming[edit]
- Don't say anything unless it's a prayer.
- Pray.
- Pray some more.
- Read the Bible.
- Pray.
- Don't go looking for Jesus' tomb.
- Have your frontal lobe removed.
- Deny the scientific method
- Don't update articles dealing with religion on uncylopedia.
- Pray
What to do if you have committed blasphemy[edit]
- Don't say anything unless it's a prayer.
- Pray.
- Pray some more.
- Wash your mouth with
soapBleach. - Read the Bible.
- Pray.
- Repent and ye shall be saved!
- Beat yourself with a whip.
- Burn some witches.
Blasphemy is[edit]
- Evil
- Barbaric
- Illegal in some countries
- Fun
- A song by Morbid Angel (I'm not kidding)
- occasionally known to lead to Jihad!
- Funny
- Blasphemous (DOH!)
- Unforgivable