“God is dead.”
“You bet He is!”
“Nietzsche is dead. Guess who won that bet?”
“Bernie is running. Thank God.”
God (who also goes by the aliases Yahweh, Allah, and Jehovah to evade debt collectors) is the supreme Holy Lord. He is perhaps best known for creating all of existence, with the exception of Himself, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, the Incan Empire, Big Foot, and Devil's food cake. He is burdened with the unfathomable responsibility of sustaining the vital equilibria that allow life to continue, such as answering prayers, committing genocide, committing mass infanticide, starting wars, ending wars and making stars twinkle. Despite this responsibility, God himself shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever an important sports game or horse race is on, as He is the universe's most notorious compulsive gambler.
The first bet
Just before Creation, on the night preceding October 23, 4004 B.C., God was sitting at a non-existent table playing a non-existent game of poker with several other non-existent deities. After losing a bundle in the Celestial Poker Game, Satan, aka the Devil aka Monty, bet God that He (God) couldn't gather more souls than he (Satan) could. God, being a notorious gambler, instantly took the bet, and the deal was done. According to an account by Archbishop James Ussher, 17th century Primate of All Ireland, this was widely thought to be a "sucker's bet" as there were no souls to be had. The best God could do would be a tie (0 souls to 0 souls), which by the nature of the bet would mean a loss for Him. But the inveterate gambler God went to work creating a universe in which said souls could exist and be gathered.
In just six days, God created the heavens and the earth, sun and moon, stars, puppies, kittens, death cap mushrooms and fake dinosaur bones. On the seventh day, God rested in order to watch football as He had a tenner on the big game. Satan, on the other hand, got busy collecting souls. This is why Satan still leads the bet to this day, and why sports teams never pray to him. It's also why Godly people never capitalize his pronouns.
The first people
God created the first man Adam from the dust of the ground mixed with God's spittle, and placed him in a magical garden in Eden, Nevada (now known as Las Vegas, Nevada). Satan hedged his bet by making a woman, telling God "prancing about a garden all day gets kind of boring." But God discovered Lilith was soulless, so He denied her existence, kicked her out of the Garden, and made Eve.
God then bet Satan that he couldn't get Adam and his sex-changed cloned sister Eve to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge. To protect His bet, God had previously told Adam, "thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." (Gen. 2:17). This became known as the First Divine Lie.
Satan, on the other hand, told the always-naked siblings the naked Truth. He said, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil." (Gen. 3:4–5). At the prospect of becoming gods, the naked Adam and Eve could no longer suppress their primal urges. They started eating the fruit like vicious wild animals. This became known as the First Dinner Party.
God was so furious at losing the bet, He blasted the garden into a desert. Still furious, He ripped off Satan's arms and legs. But Satan survived, saying, "It's only a flesh wound." Satan slithered off, becoming the first serpent and gaining the nickname "Monty Python". Because of His actions, God became the first Crime Boss.
Having eaten from the tree of knowledge, Adam and Eve became aware of certain things. For one thing, they noticed that the genitals God had given them were "fucking ugly". They promptly used fig leaves to cover up. They also discovered that God had already created humans in Genesis 1, so they weren't really the first people after all. Upon pointing this out to God, they were promptly banished from the Garden forever "for being a bunch of know-it-alls". God gave them rabbit skin coats as a parting gift and sent them to New Jersey.
The brother and sister didn't die that day as God had said but lived for hundreds of years. Following Satan's promise, they declared themselves God and Goddess. They founded Atlantic City, created the Mormon religion, moved to Utah, practiced group marriage with their offspring and beget like, well, rabbits. This became known as polygamy and incest. In their spare time, they founded civilization. This became known as a mistake.
But God couldn't be bothered to look for them and learn what they were doing, as He went back to betting on football.
God starts to lose
1537 years later, God was still watching the Angels vs Devils football game, when it went to its first ad break. God took this opportunity to make a bet with Satan over who would score the next goal. However, when He looked round, He realized that Satan wasn't there, but was off collecting souls. This was bad news, as it meant God would surely lose the ancient bet. It was time for drastic action.
God decided the only thing He could do now was to kill off all of creation. This way, Satan would not be able to gather any more souls and increase his lead. Unfortunately, God was quite keen on some of the animals He had made, especially the puppies and kittens, and did not want to destroy them. He was also quite fond of the Noah bloke who ran the betting shop in Arc, Israel. So God had to think of a plan to save Noah of Arc, his wife Joan of Arc, and their family whilst leaving the rest to die.
How this was done is detailed in the apocryphal Generations 2:3–9 (Brother Goose translation): "And God, in His infinite wisdom, said, 'Noah, build an ark. A really big one. Like, bloody massive.' Noah did so, and God saw that it was good. Then God instructed Noah to find two of every animal and put them on the ark, with the words 'I'll bet you £10 I can find the unicorns first!' Tragically, God feared Satan would gather all human souls before all the animals could be gathered, so God made the heavens release a downpour before he could find two unicorns. The rainy spell lasted 40 days and 40 nights. This created a great flood when the rainwater backed up the sewers. The weatherman, who had predicted a barbecue summer, said he 'felt like a right twit'. Then he drowned."
Many generations after Noah, a man named Job, who was faithful to God, became a highly successful rancher in the land of Uz. One day God bet Satan that Job wouldn't curse God even if he lost his ranch, wealth, health, wife, children, and got some really nasty boils. Satan, who still missed his limbs, wanted no part of it. But God became so furious, Satan feared another flood. So Satan relented, but pleaded for Job, saying, "Behold, all that he hath is in Thy power; only upon himself put not forth Thy hand (you schmuck)" (Job 1:12).
God followed through on his threat and his bet. Job, who like Satan feared for the world, said, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21). God knew that Job yelled His name in sarcasm and anger (and believed God was a schmuck), but didn't care because He won the bet.
Abraham, Sarah, and Lot
Following God's success with Job, and His failure to win all souls through Adam and his cloned-sister Eve, God made a new plan. He now focused on creating souls through Abraham and his half-sister Sarah. Satan had said the couple – 100-year-old Abraham and 90-year-old Sarah – was too old to have children. So God bets against the Devil. He then dressed a baby in sheep's clothing and sneaked him in while Satan wasn't looking. God laughed at Satan and called the baby "Isaac", which is Jewish for "laughter". Scripture scholars later called God's act a "miracle", which is Jewish for "cheating".
Then God almost destroyed His own plan due to His compulsive gambling. God made a bet with Satan that Abraham wouldn't sacrifice his only son (actually, his only son who wasn't a bastard – God was cheating again) just because God told him to. The betrayed and confused Abraham, who still thought Isaac was a sheep, was about to ax his son. But the sympathetic Satan intervened, and willingly lost the bet by dressing up a sheep as Isaac and giving it to Abraham to sacrifice instead.
God later destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, where Abraham's nephew Lot lived because their casinos refused to give God a percentage of their profits. Also, they had legalized homosexuality. God hated homosexuality because it produced no souls for God to win.
But God spared Lot because of the gambling game called Casting Lot. This involved rolling or casting Lot out the back door, and betting on whether he would land face up or face down.
God increased His odds by convincing Abraham to marry many women and to buy several concubines or prostitute slaves. God also improved His chances following the death of Lot's wife. He talked Lot's daughters into getting their father drunk with Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, and then having sex with, and getting pregnant by, their father. Both of these acts gave inveterate gambler God more souls to win.
God mercilessly brought plagues and death on the great Satan-created Empire of Egypt. To protect what Satan still had in Egypt, he let God's Holy Moses steal thousands of Israeli souls. Later, Moses saw a vision of God after inhaling the fumes from a burning bush. Moses was high on a mountain for 40 days and 40 nights while God carved Ten Commandments on two stone tablets, which He gave to Moses. One was the Tablet of Commandments, and the other was the Tablet of Explanations. Unfortunately, Moses was still under the influence and dropped the explanation tablet.
Fortunately, Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven also inhaled, and was able to recreate them for his book The Burning Bush and Other Trips. The restored 10 Commandments and their explanations (marked with *) are below:
- I I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods nor sacrifice to idols *for I want all the winnings myself.
- II Thou shalt not use the name of thy Lord in Vain *for I am wanted in Vain for owing back taxes.
- III Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy *by bringing My percentage to the temple.
- IV Honor they father and mother *for I am both.
- V Thou shalt not murder *unless I tellest thou to.
- VI Thou shalt not commit adultery *unless thou askest really nicely. Polygamy and group marriage are fine.
- VII Thou shalt not steal *unless it be for My profit.
- VIII Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor *unless it is for My profit.
- IX Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife *until I have a chance with her first.
- X Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy neighbor, including his ass *unless thou canst win it in a game.
Jesus arrives, God enters North America
- Main article: Original Jesus
God spent several thousand years watching and betting on football (nations who follow Satan called it soccer). Then, suddenly, God became bored. According to Reverend James Dobson in his book Focus on the Football, this was due to the season finally ending after all the players collapsed. The Book of Gridiron 1:3–5, says, "And it came to pass in those days that the multitude of football players was greatly exhausted, and did fall unto the ground as if dead. For the time and the season for football was without end, for in those days there was no player's union. And these are the teams and their names: the Angels and the Devils, for there were but two teams."
During the off-season, which was March 25, 0005 B.C., God decided to re-examine the rest of His creation. Looking through the Angels Cheerleading Squad, God felt an unfamiliar feeling, which he called "Love". He immediately claimed He had created it and called Himself "The God of Love". (Satan had actually created it 4,000 years before, calling it "Sex" and himself "Hot Stuff".) God noticed one cheerleader in particular, primarily because she was the squad's only virgin. She was between 12 and 16 and – according to Reverend Loveshade – God found her "pretty tasty". Her name was Mary Virginia Lolita Davidson Josephwife, for she was betrothed to a carpenter named Joseph. God ignored the ring on her finger and wooed her in the traditional (Godly) way – a heavenly-lit "angelic" invitation to dinner and a movie. He also tricked her into drinking two bottles of Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, claiming it was "holy water". Once the Virgin Mary was chastely drunk, God had His way with her.
Unfortunately, all did not go as God planned. For Satan had secretly poked a wholly hidden hole in God's Holy Protection, so that the Lord would have to take responsibility for His own actions. As a result, a few months later the supposedly Virgin Mary was found to be "great with child". It was obvious to Joseph that Mary had committed adultery. So to cover, God sent a member of the Angels team to appear to Joseph in a dream. The Angel said, "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. And couldst thou sparest some money for a cab?" Thus God passed the blame for His adultery and statutory rape on His imaginary undead twin.
God then made a bet with Satan on the sex and name of the child. God bet half His soul collection and the valuable continent of South America, while the more cautious Satan wagered half his souls and the virtually worthless continent of North America.
God followed the advice of one of His prophets, and bet the child would be a boy named "Emmanuel" (Matthew 1:23). Then God secretly went to check that the fetus was a boy. When he discovered it wasn't, He was quite worried for a moment, until He remembered He was God. He reversed His trick of making the female Eve from the male Adam, changing one of the infant's X chromosomes to a Y. To further hide His deception, God told the keeper at the Ramada Inn to claim it was full, so God's son was born in a manger inside a small cave. When the baby arrived with the first contraction, Mary, astonished, uttered an expletive. Joseph, assuming this to be a suggestion for the infant's name, made it so. God quickly claimed, "Jesus" was just Puerto Rican for "Emmanuel" (it wasn't, but Satan didn't know this because he'd never been allowed in South America), and won the bet.
God was delighted that he now had His own little son to do with as he wished, and started referring to Himself as "God the Father".
The Temptation Bet and The Crucifixion
By Jewish tradition, at age 30 Jesus was recognized as an "elder" (Jewish for "big-headed"). He entered the desert to fast for 40 days and nights. Rev. G. Zussiz-Lawd said this was for "personal reasons no one can explain". But Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven gave an explanation in his book, Don't Ever Bet Against God Because He'll Cheat. "Don't expect a guy Gentile to understand Jews. Moses the Lawgiver fasted on the mountain 40 days and nights to receive the 10 Commandments. It rained for 40 days and nights on Noah of Arc who organized the first floating zoo. So that copycat Jesus? Don't ask me any more about Jesus."
God saw this as a great opportunity for a bet with Satan, and the deal was done. If Satan could persuade Jesus to use his godly powers, God had to hand over all His souls. If Jesus didn't use his powers, Satan had to hand over all his.
Satan began by trying to convince Jesus that he could turn a rock into bread to satisfy his hunger. Jesus didn't do it. Satan then brought Jesus to the top of a tall mountain and told him that everything he saw could be his if he bowed down and worshiped Satan. Jesus didn't do it. Finally, Satan brought Jesus to the roof of a temple, and told him to jump off, and test God. Again, Jesus didn't do it.
Satan, humiliated by his defeat, agreed to give all his souls to God. He secretly marveled at how controlled and strong-willed Jesus was. However, there was something he didn't know. While Jesus was in the desert, God had secretly been feeding him mutton, Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, Fig Newtons, gebinah cheese and soup with Matzah balls. So Jesus had had no need for stony bread. God had also given Jesus arthritis, so he couldn't bow down to Satan. And also Jesus had vertigo. Naturally, God neglected to mention these when He tried to collect His winnings. God was about to win the ancient bet. But at the last moment, Satan noticed that the robe of the supposedly starving Jesus had a mustard stain, and Jesus had a bit of catsup in his beard. The bet was off.
But God did not give up. He felt sure His son would continue his father's deceptive ways when Jesus said, "I am Christ, and shall deceive many." (Mark 13:6). Although to protect His bet, God did sternly remind His son that his name was, in fact, Jesus, not Christ. But Jesus soon realized his own father had given him arthritis and vertigo in order to win a bet. Jesus' friends Peter, Paul, and Mary said, "Physician, heal thyself," and he did so. He then distanced himself from his Father God.
Jesus declared himself "King of the Jews" and began telling people, "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6). God believed His son was trying to get a monopoly of souls, leaving God the Father with nothing. So God the Father sent His consigliere Judas to betray him, and Jesus was executed on the cross.
This proved to be a cunning move. God the Father raised Jesus from the dead, created and sent his previously imaginary twin the Holy Ghost to convert more disciples, and thus became a Trinity of Gods. This increased His power and gave Himself three seats at the Celestial Poker Game.
Muhammad and the One Bet Rule
Unfortunately for God, the plan to always have three seats at the Celestial Poker Game backfired. He was continually betting against two players as good as He was because He was betting against Himself. Even if He won a hand, He'd still lose, and lose twice – and the version of Himself who won would have to split the winnings with two others. God decided it was time to end the Trinity forever.
He came up with a better plan than using the cave-born, supposed-son-of-a-carpenter Jesus who called himself a shepherd. God would find a real shepherd who had no father. At the beginning of the Seventh Century A.D., He found what He wanted: an orphaned Arabic sheepherder named Muhammad ibn ‘Abdullāh (also spelled Muhammad Ali).
Just as He had convinced Jesus to abandon his job as a carpenter in Nazareth to go into the wilderness, God convinced Muhammad to leave his life as a shepherd in Mecca and retreat to a cave in the surrounding mountains for meditation and reflection. According to Islamic beliefs, it was here, at age 40, in the month of Ramadan, where Muhammad received his first revelation. This was delivered by a member of the Angels team who was sent by "Allah". (God referred to Himself as Allah so He'd sound Arabic.)
According to the Qur'an, the revelation given by Angel Jibreel (Gabriel) was:
|“||There is no God but Allah. Heed His words, for here they be:
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
The cave near Mecca where Muhammad stayed was, according to God's plan, the same one where Jesus was born. This became known as the Ramada Inn and Gambling Casino. This was the first establishment to follow Allah's new rule of "one person, one bet". As one of the Five Pillars of Islam, Muslims are expected to travel there once in their lifetime. There they ask forgiveness for past sins, pray for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds. They then spend the rest of their time there gambling away their life savings and their souls.
But according to the Qur'an, if they lose their souls to Allah, Muslims of either sex will be rewarded in Heaven with a huge mansion, 80,000 servants, and 72 beautiful, willing virgins. Islam quickly became God's most popular religion and Muhammad God's most successful prophet.
Unfortunately for God, Satan intervened. Following the death of Muhammad, he convinced a number of Muslims to "free the souls of the infidels" so God would lose them. He also reinterpreted Qur'an, so that instead of God's women having full rights, respect and recognition, they had to cover themselves in shame and do whatever men told them. Satan actually intended to free women's souls and encourage them to escape from God's tyranny, but the plan backfired.
In A Jew's Guide to Islam and Other Imitations Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven wrote, "Muhammad? He claims he sees God at age 40? Again with the 40 things. Don't ask me any more about Muhammad and goy gambling. Why can't we play a nice game of Dreidel?"
God, Satan, and sports
- Main article: Sports
With the invention of the printing press, people could now read the holy books for themselves instead of being told by priests, "It all makes sense. Trust us." Many now realized how foolish religion really was. So the eternal struggle for souls between God and Satan moved back to where it began: Sports.
Team sports were specifically designed by God for winning souls and bets. As non-sports fans have observed, the games are utterly boring unless one bet on a particular team. According to housewife Alice Crabtree, "Take American football. Every game is the same. One guy hikes the ball. The quarterback gets it or he doesn't. If he does, he tries to run or throw. If he runs, he either makes a touchdown or he doesn't. If he throws, the receiver either catches it or he doesn't. If the receiver catches it, he either makes a touchdown or he doesn't. Boring! Unless, of course, you've got a tenner on the game."
Satan, on the other hand, tried to win bets and souls by creating individual sports that were interesting to watch. This was primarily because participants wore skin tight, skimpy costumes. These included women's gymnastics, men's gymnastics, figure skating, bodybuilding, women's gymnastics, cycling, surfing, swimming, diving, and women's gymnastics. These sports are imitations of love, and are all about sex.
God's violent team sports won Him more money, but Satan's good-looking sports won him more souls. As the primary bet between God and Satan was for souls, not cash, this was bad for the Lord.
But God did not give up. He decided to create a sport focused directly on betting itself. Thus He invented horse racing. As Eddie, the Bookie wrote in his book, Bet or Die, "Watching horses run in circles over and over and over again is incredibly boring. Everyone who goes to a horse race has to make bets just to keep themselves awake. Fall asleep, and you fall off the stands and get trampled to death." The odds were so bad that gamblers would end up with nothing to bet but their souls.
God seemed destined to finally win over Satan. But He soon learned that the Devil was no longer His only competition.
In different cultures
Atlantic City and Monte Carlo
God faced serious competition for souls and gamblers. In America, the Adam-and-Eve-created Atlantic City began drawing more gamblers than God the Father's Las Vegas. The sibling god and goddess also drew more and more souls to their Mormon Church (more properly called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As "saints" means "souls", the name is a direct mockery of the original God).
Meanwhile, Adam's ousted first wife Monaco. This city beat God's Las Vegas as the Gambling Capital of the World. (The name "Monte Carlo" translates in English to Lilith's favorite Monacan activity, which is to "Mount Charles".)Lilith convinced Charles Honoré Grimaldi to declare himself King Charles III and create Monte Carlo in
While undeserved, God blamed Satan for these developments. God knew it was time for a new plan and a new game.
Dreidel and the Jews
The Talmud and the Mishna both say the gambling game Dreidel was invented by the God-inspired Jew Mattathias. He used it to win back the Holy Temple and its souls in Jerusalem from King Antiochus IV Epiphanes in the 2nd Century B.C. The spinning dreidel is traditionally used by Jews for gambling during the celebration of Mattathias' victory called Hanukkah (Hebrew: חנוכה, pronounced [ˈקanuka], a.k.a. Chanukah. This religious holiday is described in detail in Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven's book, Jewish Words that Make You Spit.)
Later when the Syrian-Greeks forbade Jews gambling (because "they were too good at it") the Jews held secret Dreidel games that were disguised as Bible studies. As the famous Rabbi Akiva said, "Jews without dreidel are like fish without water."
Bingo and the Pope
Bingo is actually the name of several different gambling games, all approved by God for the monetary benefit of His Church. All versions can be traced back to a lottery game called "Lo Giuoco del Lotto d'Italia" played in Italy in c.1530 (translated into English, the name means "clear out your bank account by playing the Italian lottery"). This was invented by Giulio di Giuliano de' Medici, which is why God named him Pope Clement VII.
Later, Clement refused to give a divorce to King Henry VIII from his wife and step-sister Catherine of Aragon, who bore Henry daughters but no male heirs. Because of this, King Henry refused to let British people play Bingo, effectively taking away all God's English souls. God condemned Pope Clement VII for his lack of faith in God's sex-changing ability and made the pope eat the lethal death cap mushroom. The British and their colonists in New Zealand and Australia later secretly revived the game as "Housey Housey".
Around the World
The Relativity physicist Albert Einstein is famous for saying of God, "I, at any rate, am convinced that He does not throw dice." Unfortunately for Einstein and the world, Quantum mechanics (and the photo to the right) proved God does. The Lord has inspired people throughout the world to invent dozens of dice gambling games, including Crapaud or Craps (France), Yahtzee (America), Gluckshaus (Germany), Tablero da Gucci (Spain), Chō-Han Bakuchi (Japan), Crown and Anchor (Great Britain), and Mexico (Mexico). God and Satan themselves created dice gambling games, with Satan inventing Demon Dice, and God making Cosmic Wimpout.
Satan and God won a virtually even number of bets and souls through these various dice games until Satan took a definite lead in the later 20th century. Players began to tire of just throwing dice, so Satan created a game that added other tempting elements designed to win the souls of a multitude of players. In 1974, he invented a new kind of game that used dice, paper and pencil that was called Dungeons & Dragons. In spite of repeated warnings by God's prophets that this was a game designed to steal souls from God, the roleplaying game flourished. It quickly led to innumerable spinoffs such as Tunnels and Trolls, Vampire: The Masquerade, Toon, Traveler, GURPS, Paranoia, and Munchkin and the Chainsaw of Bloody Dismemberment.
Ultimately, God and Satan did something they had never done before: a collaboration. They invented the In Nomine roleplaying game where players take the side of God (Heaven) or Satan (Hell), and battle it out directly for each other's souls. The ultimate fate of God's power and the world's souls may well be decided here.
- Jehovah (Jehovah's Witnesses)
- YHWH (Judaism)
- Allah (Islam)
- Ahura Mazda (Zoroastrianism)
- Hinduism) Om (
- Flying Spaghetti Monster (Pastafarianism)
- Not to mention that Noah still owed Him money from their last wager.
- It helps to remember that all this swapping babies and sheep occurred before the invention of eyeglasses.
- "Casting Lot" was a precursor to both flipping coins and dice games.
- The 10th Commandment led to the phrase, "you bet your ass".
- Taking Mary to a movie may not seem impressive until you remember that in those days movies didn't exist.
- Matthew 1:20.
- ←It's a long ride back to Heaven.
- These holy words of scripture were later put to music by Don Schlitz and performed by Kenny Rogers. The song's title was one of the holiest names of God, "The Gambler".
- Satan intended the infidels to be freed from slavery to God, not to be slain. Satan deeply regrets the misunderstanding and encourages all who suffered the loss of family members to send a request for remuneration to Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
- Satan deeply regrets the misunderstanding. He desires to free all women from God's tyranny and encourages them to uncover themselves and apply for the Devils Cheerleading Squad.
- The spinning dreidel is called teetotum in the shepherd's section of the Gospel According to Alice (Lewis Carroll translation). "'Are you a child or a teetotum?' the Sheep said as she took up another pair of needles."
- The ultimate battle between God and Satan was the focus of the 2009 documentary, "Angels & Demons".
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4004 BC – 2004 AD
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