Quantum mechanics

“In Soviet Russia, space-time oscillates YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on gravity waves

“Blasphemy!”

~ Albert Einstein on Quantum Mechanics

Quantum mechanics (QM) is a scientific theory, one of the most important ones studied in physics. It is so named because it is said to be "So simple, even a single quantum (from the Greek "κούνα τον") mechanic could understand all its principles." The prominent physicist Richard Feynmann switched from teaching freshman introductory physics to quantum mechanics, noting that QM is "so much easier."

Quantum mechanics were discovered in globular cluster M22 during the famous star voyage of a distinguished class of physicists, who upon returning to Earth are said to have been very confused, although later references dispute this. It is not known what this distinguished class of physicists encountered on their voyage, but it is believed that one of them sent his feces into orbit around Earth upon return, where it has remained until now. The feces has appeared in a number of different orbitals since then, indicating that discrete amounts of feces are continuously being absorbed and re-radiated into the outer solar system. Due to the basic principles of Quantum Mechanics, this feces goes through all paths to go from any point A to any point B in its orbit, indicating that the aforementioned feces has passed through a typical bedroom window, a bowl of soup, through a wardrobe and into two or three stuffed animals a few times already.

Discovery

Jesus (black) created this theory in the bathroom while reading an ancient text on optical illusions. When he was unable to figure out how one was done, he theorized that the book existed in two separate states, the start of the idea of both non-locality and those hologram images you see on refrigerator magnets nowadays.

You will both crash and not crash

Max Planck and Enrico Fermi first formulated quantum mechanics after discovering that single bits of matter could behave both like a particle and a rave. This particle-rave duality was later explained by the "color charge" associated with atoms, a consequence of the atomic tendency to vibrate in time with techno music and consume ecstasy pills (also known as "gluons"). These particles are said to have a certain probability to decay, depending on how much they drank and whether or not they forgot about a date with their girlfriend. (A particle that has already decayed is known as an "L-Boson" Named for Higgs' son's nickname, "Loser".)

Max Plank also measured the value of Plank's constant by finding the average length of song's at a rave, dividing by the average wavelength of the flashing lights over the course of the night, and multiplying by the square of the average time it takes each particle to get home after the party was over. This provided the first quantitative measurement of its value without the discoverer losing the number after they got way too drunk and accidentally using the napkin it was written on as toilet paper.

What perhaps contributed mostly to the development of Quantum mechanics was the Album titled Light My Rave, which listed in UK and US top ten for more than 10 years

Principles

Erwin Schrödinger's famous "Gedankenexperiment" (German for "something that would blow your mind both stoned and sober") illustrates a basic principle in QM. In one variant of the experiment, a cat is sealed in a box with a radioactive source. We can show using simple, intuitive mathematics, the result best summarized by Werner Heisenberg: "The cat will certainly die eventually and go to heaven in one parallel universe, and in another parallel universe the scientist opening the box encounters a radioactive dead cat and also dies and goes to a special hell where animal rights protesters brutally perform uncertain vulgar sexual acts upon the researcher while another cat watches, usually a Cheshire Cat with nine lives and nine desires and sometimes nine inch nails."

The length of a Cheshire Cat's inch nails is relative to the length of a certain Plank, which is why Plank's constant is important, since it can be dimensionless rescaled to the number nine, by correct choice of arbitrary units. The Beatles knew this and proved it with a theory about Paul McCartney, who actually died and was brought back to life by putting an announcement about his predicted death backwards in the song, Revolution number nine.

Prior to release of the White Album, a theory of radiation called "White Body Radiation" was developed, and a Cheshire Cat was used to scratch up the wax master of the original sound recording for the song, which was then bombarded by a cycltron, thus proving that time reversal is possible, even though it may have caused hurricane Katrina and some waves when the experiment was repeated in an attempt to produce sunshine that can be walked upon, another quantum mechanical effect which is normally commercially exploited in the production of light sabers

Applications

Sure, quantum mechanics is able to predict every action in our everyday lives and explain the interaction between atoms and subatomic particles and may one day answer ever mystery of the universe and how we got here and why and what our existence as a human race really means, but QM is mainly used to pick up hot chicks.

“It's kind of funny. According to quantum mechanics we've already had sex in an infinite number of alternate universes...”

~ Stephen Hawking to Miley Cyrus

So is the cat alive or dead?

I've told you a hundred times, it'll be dead when I'm finished.

Usefulness of the theory

The theory of Quantum Mechanics was developed over many years with a single objective. That objective being to keep funding coming in for scientists to keep doing what they do best. ie to play with big expensive toys (such as the Large Hadron Collider and death rays) which other people have paid for.

At the time of its inception a major problem was that physicists had no idea what they were talking about (in fact they still don't) and as they had produced a sum total of zero workable theories, zero useful devices, zero profit and zero knowledge their grants and incoming money streams looked seriously like they were going to dry up.

The world's most eminent physicists therefore got together and came up with the most ridiculously complicated theory, specifically drawn up so as to be completely incomprehensible to anyone. Not just incomprehensible to non physicists but actually incomprehensible to anyone. The main reason for this is that the theory itself is complete and utter bollocks.

A major tennet of quantum mechanics is that it is not possible to know both the position and momentum of a particle. One may know one or the other, but never both. This is built into the very fabric of the theory and therefore the very fabric of the universe. This is the major part of the theory that has allowed the joke to perpetuate so successfully. As part of the 42nd differential factorial (the evaluation of which must return a non-zero irrational pretend number or a piece of cheese), the theory contains the basic equation:-

$x=-{\frac {1}{2}}\partial _{\nu }g_{\mu }^{a}\partial _{\nu }g_{\mu }^{a}-g_{s}f^{abc}\partial _{\mu }g_{\nu }^{a}g_{\mu }^{b}g_{\nu }^{c}-{\frac {1}{4}}g_{s}^{2}f^{abc}f^{ade}g_{\mu }^{b}g_{\nu }^{c}g_{\mu }^{d}g_{\nu }^{e}+{\frac {1}{2}}ig_{s}^{2}({\bar {q}}_{i}^{\sigma }\gamma ^{\mu }q_{j}^{\sigma })g_{\mu }^{a}+$

$+{\bar {G}}^{a}\partial ^{2}G^{a}+g_{s}f^{abc}\partial _{\mu }{\bar {G}}^{a}G^{b}g_{\mu }^{c}-\partial _{\nu }W_{\mu }^{+}\partial _{\nu }W_{\mu }^{-}-M^{2}W_{\mu }^{+}W_{\mu }^{-}-{\frac {1}{2}}\partial _{\nu }Z_{\mu }^{0}\partial _{\nu }Z_{\mu }^{0}-{\frac {1}{2c_{w}^{2}}}M^{2}Z_{\mu }^{0}Z_{\mu }^{0}$

Which, it is asserted, clearly shows this to be the case. However, anyone with even a basic understanding of simple sums will instantly spot that the 14th differential coefficient should actually be raised to the power of 3.298274876487264876 and not the square root of -2 thus, when the new equation is evaluated to the third derivative we find that the true result simply proves that physicists have just not yet found a way of doing this simple task.

The reality is that the position and momentum of a particle can both be ascertained (at the same time) with arbitrary accuracy by the simple use of a camcorder whilst it bangs into a snooker ball on a stretched rubber sheet.

This simple error in the initial interpretation and drafting of the theory has allowed it to remain one of the greatest mysteries of the scientific world. Simply because no one with an O' level in maths ever bothered to check it.

Of course, many argue that this error was deliberate, and incorporated for the specific purpose of covering up physicists' inability to understand the difference between "it can't be done" and "I don't know how to do it".

If the full QM equation is completely evaluated to the 17th derivative and the square root of 13 (because it's a lucky number) is used as Plank's constant (because the other one is wrong) we end up with the two much simpler equations of x=2+y and x=2 thus y=0 but only for very small values of zero. If the equation is evaluated such that y is a non-zero value of infinitely small magnitude the equation fails but this is a technical error due to the cat having died.