Werner Heisenberg

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“NEIN,Zicher bestimt nicht, Mein überstaffel ültrakämpf untërhosen kriëgs unterfragungs mïttelmän mëga fürhër!. Jahwohl.”

~ Werner Heisenberg on whether he was making the NAZI Nuke

“Activate the Heisenberg Compensator!”

~ Star Trek on Transporting people from the klingons

Werner Heisenberg (Dec. 5?, 1901 - Feb. 30, 1976/current: see Posthumous Heisenberg) was the star of the popular daytime German television show, "Tanzfest mit Werner Heisenberg". He is known throughout Deutschland for his famous catch phrase, "Zis is Tanzfest mit Werner Heisenberg. Und Now vee dance!"

Early life[edit]

Werner Heisenberg was born to Beth Heisenberg and Johnny Heisenberg in Koln (Cologne), Germany. Or maybe he wasn't. Though, it was rumored that a time traveler named Chris Sorto was the real father of Werner Heisenberg. Or maybe he wasn't. It is widely believed by many theorists that Chris Sorto had traveled back in time to make sweet future love to Beth Heisenberg, after which he skipped town and went back to the future so he would not have to pay child support. Or maybe he didn't. At the time of Werner's birth, Koln had become famous for its unique brand of flattened beef patty, which they had dubbed "Kolners." Or maybe they hadn't. Johnny Heisenberg, an owner of a restaurant specializing in Kolners, demanded that his son follow in his footsteps and pursue culinary business schooling. Or maybe he didn't. Werner, a precocious child of 12, wanted no part of it. Or maybe he did. It is believed that his father's insistence of enrolling young Werner in business school is what drove him into the field of entertainment. Or maybe it wasn't. On his 13th birthday, Werner demanded to be enrolled in the Koln School of the Arts. Or maybe he didn't. It was at this point that Johnny disowned his son. Or maybe he didn't. Although Werner was crushed, he enrolled and graduated from the Koln School of the Arts on his own. Or maybe he didn't. It is known that Werner did not entirely despise his father, as he would devote the future years of his life to prove to his father that he could make something of himself in entertainment. Or maybe he wouldn't.

Time of Tanzfest: The Glory Days[edit]

At the age of 18, Werner sought out television channels to produce his fresh, new vision - a half-hour block devoted entirely to dancing. Though his proposals were numerous, the only channel that would produce his show was UNI1, a soft-core pornography channel. UNI1 slipped him into the 3:30 p.m. timeslot, a generally unpopular slot (no pun intended) for the channel. Between many of his various dances, the editing team would splice in bits of hardcore porn to make up for the show's non-pornographic nature. This angered Werner severely who, after two seasons, put it on hiatus. None of its loyal viewers believed they would ever see the show again. However, something wonderous happened.

A mainstream German television network, SLUT, noticed that, during the show's run, the ratings for the 3:30 timeslot on UNI1 had tripled to 3. This, combined with a petition from thousands to save the show, caused SLUT to bring "Schmutzigejunger macht ein klien Tanz [mit Pornographie!]" (Dirty boy does a little dance [with pornography!]) to their lineup with a new name, "Tanzfest mit Werner Heisenberg" (Dance party with Werner Heisenberg). It is now realized that the petition to save the show was actually a combination of three different signatures used hundreds of times.

"Tanzfest mit Werner Heisenberg" was now slotted at 12:30 p.m., when audiences would be refreshed from lunch and ready to dance. Werner used this opportunity to retool the show: he hired a team of dancers to assist him, which also gave the cameraman something else to film besides Werner at a single forward angle. Follwing the show's tradition, however, the dancers were all required to dress in all black and, in the case of the men, wear round sunglasses of the darkest shade. Werner also broke the show into segments and used the maximum budget for special effects to introduce each segment, large letters with a spinning pan-in from the corner of the screen in shadowed teletype font with the name of each segment. Many believe this structure worked well for the show - rather than 30 minutes of straight, robot-like dancing while mutli-colored strobe lights blared, audiences could enjoy several 5 minute segments of robot-like dancing while multi-colored strobe lights blared.

Werner would make a the show a hit innovative new dances such as the "stand erect for a while with arms folded", and the "electron dance", where he stood in the same spot and twisted his torso while keeping his arms out and bent in an Egyptian style, and would randomly switch between one arm being up and the other down. To this day, people still do not understand the symbology of the dance, but still love it. He would introduce the segment by interrupting the dance at hand and yelling, "Now eet is time for ze electron dance!"

Several years after disowning his son, Johnny Heisenberg's business would be ransacked and the secret recipe for Kolners stolen by mafioso thugs from Hamburg. A few years later, at the peak of Tanzfest's success, Johnny would come to publicly reown his son.

The Day of the Berlin Bombing[edit]

Throughout World War II, Werner Heisenberg attempted to remain detached from the gathering political turmoil. But as a result of the war, his lead dancer, Albert Einstein, would flee to America. Niels Bohr would remain. "Tanzfest mit Werner Heisenberg" aired throughout the entire duration of World War II and on November 22, 1943, "Tanzfest mit Werner Heisenberg" held a nighttime special called "Noch mehr Tanzfest!" (Even more dance party!) It was during this show that British bombs begun to fall around the studio and even in the studio, killing several of his fellow dancers. "Zis is all just part of ze song!" Heisenberg assured the viewers, "Ve vill keep on dancing, ja?" Though his studio and cast suffered heavy losses, Heisenberg himself survived and received much praise for the highly rated special. Even Winston Churchill would call him "a jolly good sport about it."

International Appeal[edit]

"Tanzfest mit Werner Heinsenberg" was not only considered a smash success in Germany, but received international acclaim. Many credit this success to the fact that Heisenberg did not speak German on his television show, but English with a German accent. This may have been the key to his receiving a distribution deal from the BBC, until it was replaced with a hopeful new show about six strapping young blokes who cross-dress and get into absurd situations, usually with paintings used in cartoon forms as segues. Mally Pithin, wasn't it?

After Tanzfest, The Physicist and Professor days - What a waste.[edit]

After the show dissolved in 1969, many wondered what would become of the now 67-year-old entertainer. One day, inexplicably, Heisenberg had a dream. The contents of the dream are yet unknown, and most of it was plagarized from Martin Luther King, Jr.'s dream. However, this dream made him devise the Uncertainty Principle, that:

Given a set of complex quantum physics problems, there is a low certainty that college students will try to understand it, and, even if they do try, there is an even lower certainty that they will succeed.

Heisenberg tested this method during his tenure at the Univerity of Berlin (the so-called UB '40 tests), where he gave the following lecture while writing equations on his chalkboard:

Here I have drawn a piece of Limburger. If we express the surface of the cheese via Gauss' Law, and try to understand the electron spin, we find absolutely nothing. Though we may wish to understand the cheese physically, and I can graph its particle map, it has no pertinence to what I'm saying right now. It may be expressable in relative frames via Lorentz tranformations, who knows? The Limburger does not mean anything....

Much as Heisenberg suspected, the students began to write in their notebooks furiously. Though this was the original form of the Uncertainty Principle, Heisenberg had revised it once his lectures begun to make sense.

On Feb. 28, 1976, Heisenberg fell ill.

Posthumous Heisenberg[edit]

Noting his worsening condition, Heisenberg's friend, Erwin Schrödinger stayed with him until Heisenberg was near death. It was then on Feb. 30, as Heisenberg approached death, that Schrödinger cryogenically froze him, in order to keep him in a simultaneous state of life and death. (Historians note: Schrödinger fended off Death with a stick to keep him from reaching Heisenberg.) Though many believe Heisenberg to have died on Feb. 30, 1976, he may yet return.

Heisenberg's life remains a testament to starry-eyed children who wish to disobey their father and pursue their dreams. Despite his notable accomplishments in Physics and academia, he would still be renowned for his television show. Heisenberg had a vision of pure entertainment, him expressing himself through the art of German-techno dance. Throughout it all, Heisenberg would "keep on dancing."

Is he really still dancing?[edit]


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