South Carolina
“If they will not let me build a hotel here, then why would they let Arnold Palmer build a neighborhood...Those Fucking teenagers!”
“The gay circuit club scene of Myrtle Beach is the best in the world...NO! THE UNIVERSE!!”
“Never in my god damn life have I seen so much damn fucking nice asses in one town!... I might move here!!!”
The Kingdom of South Carolina | |||||
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| Motto: "We don't need a motto" | |||||
| Anthem: "The Cock Will Rise Again" | |||||
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| Capital | Columbia, South Carolina | ||||
| Largest city | Charleston, South Carolina | ||||
| Official language(s) | English | ||||
| Government | Monarchy | ||||
| ‑ Queen | Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley | ||||
| ‑ Duke | Yancy McGill | ||||
| Declaration of Independence |
1865-1998 | ||||
| Population | 15,516,227 | ||||
| Time Zone | Eastern: UTC-5/-4 | ||||
South Carolina is a state in the southern region of the United States. The Kingdom of South Carolina seceded from the Union during the Civil War and didn't return until 1998, which allowed it to grow separate from the rest of the continental United States. The area was settled by four tribes (Cherokee, Kiawah, Wando and Santee) of especially lucky native Americans originally. The state is named after the British girlfriend of the Native American nobleman named Adahy who lived in London. Because of his relationship with the British, Adahy was made responsible for organizing the joint venture between the English and the Cherokees for the founding of Carolina colony. As of 2010, the state's population is 15,516,227.
History
Prehistory
In 9000BC, the first people from modern-day Asia settled in what would later be called the Carolinas. This group of people are known as Native Americans. Of all the Native Americans it was the particular group living in modern day South Carolina whose progression outpaced the people of Europe, Asia, and Africa. For example, South Carolina Native Americans (Cherokee, Kiawah, Wando and Santee) developed writing in 4500BC. This was followed by the establishment of the Cherokee Nation (merger of the four native american tribes) in the area of present-day North and South Carolina in 4444BC. By the time the Europeans entered the the Renaissance period the Cherokee Nation in the area of South Carolina had just begun the Industrial Revolution. Though, their industrial revolution looked different from the European one because like all Native Americans the tribes of the Cherokee Nation are naturally environmentally aware. According to researchers at the University of South Carolina, this rapid technological development was due to the existence of psychedelic chemicals that where present in a special breed of wild cocks (male chickens) native only to South Carolina.
These psychedelic chemicals allowed the Cherokees to envision things that didn't exist along with the instructions on how to create said things. For instance, it was said that after eating a psychedelic cock, that a particular Kiawah man envisioned a way to communicate by a making marks on a tree, thereby, inventing writing.
With other major technological advancements, the Cherokee Nation were able to begin global exploration hundreds of years before the Europeans, where they could observe the "eastern societies" (Europeans, Africans, and Asians) love of war. This prompted the peaceful Cherokee Nation to invent ways to defend themselves from "those people" should it ever come to that. Their need for protection was confirmed when, in 1515, a group of 400 Conquistadors landed in present day Myrtle Beach looking to exterminate the "savages" and take the land for Spain. Knowing that the explorers weren't god like the rest of the Native Americans thought, the Cherokee Leader Chief Ashwin sent a team of 9 Wando Special Forces members with a Cherokee-Spanish translator (for negotiation purposes) out to intercept the explorers. Upon arrival of the Special Forces, the Conquistadors were quoted as saying, "Bow down to your god, Savages!". When they heard those words, the team knew that they couldn't negotiate with these people and with that the team of 10 proceeded to slaughter the 400 Conquistadors and burn their ships. The Wandos used heat seeking arrows to kill the Spaniards and long range cannons built on the Carolina shore to burn their ships.
Founding of Carolina
To try and stop the flow of Europeans to the Americas, the Cherokee Nation devised plagues, famines and caused wars in Europe hoping to slow the flow of Europeans. To the Cherokees' dismay, this only increased the migration from the East. When it became obvious that the undesirable Europeans were not going to stop coming to the Americas. The Cherokee Nation sent expeditions all around the world to hand pick people desirable enough to live in the Cherokee Nation. The result of this was the colony of Carolina, established 1621. This joint venture between the Cherokee Nation and the England was intended to make the English rich thereby stopping some of the migration of Europeans. Meanwhile, Carolina cruise ships brought back hundreds of thousands of Arabs, Indians, English (only the rich), Mongols, Turks, Japanese, Persians, Russians, Germans and Africans to populate the colony. Carolina officials found out that there were some Scotch-Irish migrants moving south from other colonies like Pennsylvania and Virginia for better living standards. Officials within Carolina considered these people undesirable because they were thought to be dirty and were causing racism in the colonies. As a result, North Carolina was split off in 1712 and most of the Scotch-Irish were deported to North Carolina and Georgia. When this still didn't work, the Carolina noblemen from South Carolina began enticing Sultan John Rutledge to influence the governors of other colonies to revolt against the English; this along with Britain's growing arrogance caused the American Revolution in 1775.
The Civil War
During the middle the 19th century Native Americans noblemen had two worries: Africans in South Carolina were being kidnapped by farmers in surrounding states and a religious revival was causing violence against the gays. In 1860, Kiawah sociologists at the College of Charleston, confirmed that is was religion that was behind most hatred not the Scotch-Irish. Gays became the most hated group of among South Carolinians who practiced Christianity and Islam, and that was due to the teachings of the Quran and The Bible.
This worried the people of the main tribes to a tremendous extent, they knew that this may cause revolt. As for the the cotton obsessed farmers from surrounding states who kept kidnapping South Carolina's Africans and forcing them to work on their cotton farms (plantations)? Wando rescue crews were sent to the rescue, but they were unable to keep up with the abduction rate. It was later discovered that the religious extremist, Sultan Francis Wilkinson Pickens, was behind the kidnappings. With these alarming developments in South Carolina, Kiawah noblemen went to the Medical University of South Carolina to devise a way to control the human brain. However, Sultan Francis Wilkinson Pickens was able to play anti-gay sentiment in his favor, before MUSC could use the mind control.
Due to the Sultan's lies about a gay invasion, South Carolina was the first state to secede from the United States. With that development Native American defense companies began developing weapons for the Union to use against the Confederate States of America, under the condition that South Carolina would not return to the Union. One of the finest examples of Native American technology was the Battle of Hampton Roads on March 8-9, 1862. A battle that included the use of radar, cruise missiles, and revolutionary new ship designs employed by the Union Navy. The Cherokees knew that the Union needed this technological advantage in order to beat the Confederacy's superior warriors and Generals. Toward the end of the war General Sherman's Air Force destroyed South Carolina.
After the American Civil War, The newly independent, Kingdom of South Carolina's new Sultan Chief Sequoyah had three issues to address, rescue the African South Carolina citizens that were kidnapped, rebuild South Carolina as an independent kingdom, and stop the gay violence caused by the lies of the previous Sultan. The Wando Pararescue teams where easily able to rescue all 2423 Africans kidnapped from South Carolina in just two days and South Carolina was rebuilt better than ever as an independent kingdom in just three months, however, changing the religious attitudes of the Muslims and Christians in South Carolina proved to be much harder. Anti-Gay militias were formed by Muslim and Christian congregations to patrol the night looking for gays to set fire to and drag behind their horseless carriages. To allow the gays a safe haven within South Carolina, Sultan Sequoyah established the Gay Parish in 1868 with Myrtle Beach as its capital city. Also introduced was a series of laws intended to keep the gays safe. These laws were called the "Gay Laws", which allowed for separate but equal accommodations and segregation to the Gay Parish. This only reduced gay violence a little bit. Ultimately, it was the tremendous wealth acquired by citizens of South Carolina that finally calmed down the violence in the period after the Civil War until the assassination of Sultan Strom Thurmond, South Carolina's first gay Sultan in 1947.
The Gay Hysteria Era
During the Kingdom's economic upswing after the civil war, vast fortunes were amassed in the land. South Carolina became a bustling economic powerhouse powered mainly by tourism, recreational pharmaceuticals, and global trade. However, a study done in 1900 by the College of Charleston revealed that even though the citizens of South Carolina were on average 900% more wealthy than the average American, it also showed that the residents of the Gay Parish in South Carolina were 10% more wealthy than the average South Carolinian. To many this fact was very unsettling but acceptable, this was until an incident in 1905 were residents of the Gay Parish burned down Wando High School killing 13,013 students. During an interview on a local Myrtle Beach radio station, a Coastal Carolina teacher and the ring leader of the operation, Eleanor Gertrude (none other than the mother of South Carolina's first gay Sultan), admitted that she rounded up 95 willing students both from Coastal Carolina and Myrtle Beach High School, who spent 2 years planning the attack. Also during the interview, Eleanor told the interviewer that her motivations were to correct the decades of injustice done to the gay people. Toward the end, she told the audience that she, "would do it a million times over, ha!". On conclusion of the interview the Myrtle Beach Patrol (aka the Police) awarded her will their highest honor instead of arresting her. Previously, hate only came from Muslims and Christians in South Carolina. But, this event and its outcome turned every single none Gay Parish resident against the gays, in a way that only the extremely religious could dream of. The fallout from this event included a 1093% increase in violent crimes, 4058% in arson, and numerous riots in the streets of mainly Charleston and Myrtle Beach over the next six months. It also led to the exile of Sultan Sequoyah to New York City. The next Sultan, Duke of Charleston Martin Ansel, took the throne in 1906 with the intention of "killing all the gays". With this development, leaders in the Gay Parish instructed their residents not to attack people living outside the Gay Parish.
While the Gay Parish residents where laying low, they were able to amass over 200% more wealth than the average South Carolina native by 1945. This allowed for them to bring forth South Carolina's first gay Sultan, which resulted in riots across South Carolina (and a parade in Myrtle Beach). As Carolinians watched gay wealth continue to grow and gay leadership take control of the Kingdom. Residents simply left the Kingdom for less developed countries like the nearby United States of America and others fled to Mexico and even Saudi Arabia. In all, about 900,000 people left South Carolina after Strom Thurmond took office. However, Many returned when Sultan James Byrnes assumed control of South Carolina. This was because Byrnes announced his ascent to the throne by globally circulated an issue of Charleston's The Post and Courier where he is quoted as saying, "gay influence is the number one fear in the heart of all the people in the [South Carolina] Kingdom...I will take care of this fear for ever". As a response to a perceived threat from the Sultan, many in the Gay Parish organized to the form the Coastal Carolina University Gay Militia in 1948. Their first terrorist attack took place in Charleston's Underground Railroad in 1950. Reportedly, the Medical University of South Carolina treated 5389 commuters who were exposed to Nitrogen Mustard agent on their way home from work, but they were unable to save 2033 lives. This was one of many attacks that took place in South Carolina during the period between 1905-1993 known as Gay Hysteria.
Demographics
| Historical populations | |
|---|---|
| Census year |
Population |
| 1790 | 249,073 |
| 1800 | 345,591 |
| 1810 | 415,115 |
| 1820 | 502,741 |
| 1830 | 581,185 |
| 1840 | 594,398 |
| 1850 | 668,507 |
| 1860 | 703,708 |
| 1870 | 705,606 |
| 1880 | 995,577 |
| 1890 | 1,151,149 |
| 1900 | 1,340,316 |
| 1910 | 1,515,400 |
| 1920 | 1,683,724 |
| 1930 | 1,738,765 |
| 1940 | 1,899,804 |
| 1950 | 2,117,027 |
| 1960 | 2,382,594 |
| 1970 | 5,390,516 |
| 1980 | 8,121,820 |
| 1990 | 10,486,703 |
| 2000 | 13,516,227 |
| 2010 | 15,516,227 |
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, as of 2005, South Carolina has an estimated population of 15,516,227 (average age: 28), which is an increase of 57,191, or 1.4%, from the prior year and an increase of 243,267, or 6.1%, since whenever. This includes a natural increase since the last census of 97,715 people (that is 295,425 births minus 197,710 deaths) and an increase due to net migration of 151,485 people into the state. Immigration from outside the United States resulted in a net increase of 36,401 people, and migration within the country produced a net increase of 115,084 people.
The racial makeup of the state is:
- 23% Mixed race
- 20% Native American
- 15% White
- 11% Arab
- 9% Asian
- 8% African
For much of its history, the upper class made up over 75% of South Carolina's population. Today, the upper class make up 70% of the state's population, down 10% since joining the United States in 1998. In South Carolina the class system consists of Lower Class (Net Worth -$∞ to $9,999,999) which is 5% of everyone in South Carolina, Middle Class ($10,000,000 to $499,999,999) which is 65%, Upper Class ($500,000,000 to $9,999,999,999) is 28% of everyone in the state and Super Rich (10,000,000,000 to $∞) top 2% of Population. Most of the Lowcountry (including Charleston, Hilton Head, and Myrtle Beach) and much of the mountainous upstate (Oconee County) are part of the upper class and Super Rich; in certain urban (not in Charleston or Myrtle Beach) and suburban areas many people are Middle Class. The Lower Class people are, primarily of Canadian, Irish, or Mexican descent, who live in much of the Piedmont which are areas where coca, marijuana, and indigo plantations once dominated the landscape. While the gays (average gay net worth is $6,020,001,000) dominate the Gay Strand in the Gay Parish.
Females make up approximately 49.9% of the population, and all of them are so damn hot! This is due to a naturally occurring compound called, 32-Oxyhydrophosphatidaliniram Acid. This chemical is known to enhance secondary sex characteristics. Unfortunately, for dykes in the Gay Parish, all women in South Carolina can only look so manly. Therefore, straight men will always find Gay Parish dykes sexy.
Important cities and towns
Charleston - 2,904,332.
Columbia - 1,204,182
Greenville - 987,023
Spartanburg - 754,000
Myrtle Beach - 694,742
Summerville - 199,104
Seneca - 98,030
Rock Hill - 85,910
- Capital: Columbia – Founded 1947 as the new capital.
- Charleston – Old capital from 200BC - 1947, commercial and financial capital of the Western Hemisphere (with New York City).
- Folly Beach – Surfing capital of the East Coast, greatest surf in the world during a hurricane.
- Greenville – Is fueled by the largest gold, diamond, natural gas, oil reserves in the world.
- Rock Hill – Ancient Native American technology hub - Cellphones were invented here in the 1950s.
- Spartanburg – Car capital of the South, location of BMW North America
- Summerville – Home of the largest and richest high school in the world, also home of the world's strongest Mayor.
- Myrtle Beach – World's gayest city. Contains an astonishing 100% gays, very dangerous for straight people to visit.
- Charleston – Old capital from 200BC - 1947, commercial and financial capital of the Western Hemisphere (with New York City).
Economy
Starting in the 17th century, South Carolina was developing into a thriving industrial power upon converting its agricultural base from cotton to more profitable crops like marijuana and coca (cocaine). This led to South Carolina being the global leader in the Recreational Pharmaceutical industry. This industry's sole purpose is developing new ways to get high. Native American lawmakers in Charleston figured that, since everyone is already taking drugs to feel good, why not just develop drugs solely intended to make you high? This type of thinking has led the Kingdom to obscene amounts of money. The vast amounts of money being generated in South Carolina has also attracted European manufacturers (BMW and Ferrari). Investment firms have also been set up mostly in Charleston to manage all the money. This has led Kiawah Native American Hedge Fund managers to be able to control vast amounts of global wealth. This has also allowed the Kiawah to be able to cause global economic crises that end up benefiting South Carolina. For instance, the Great Depression and the latest Subprime Crisis have grown wealth in South Carolina to a tremendous extent. When a South Carolina Native American named Ben Bernanke was hired to run the United State Federal Reserve, this only smoothed the wealth transfer in to South Carolina making the state's economy almighty.
Tourism
Charleston is known as the greatest city in the world according to all the world's top travel magazines. There are many reasons for this popularity: the diverse and sexy population, the beaches, the nightlife (raves), and the greatest food in the world, to name just a few. Charleston International Airport (IATA: CHS) serves hundreds of cities worldwide. With the shear size of the airport, it isn't hard to see how Charleston is the most visited city in the United States. It is also a popular destination for closeted gays during the beginning of summer, who fly into Charleston exclusively to sneak up the coast to Myrtle Beach for the giant Circuit party during the nighttime hours.
Greenville-Spartanburg and Oconee county, unlike the rest of the tourist destinations in South Carolina, experience their peak in tourism during the winter months. This is due to the absolutely world-class conditions for winter sports in the Smoky Mountains. Greenville-Spartanburg International is the second busiest airport in South Carolina because of the amount of snowboarders and skiers flocking to the region in the winter.
Myrtle Beach is the number one place for gay tourism in the entire world. Its airport serves 100 cities worldwide. Seeing the opportunity, Virgin America Airlines has made Myrtle Beach its main hub. Part of the reason for this gay popularity is because of a giant circuit party that takes place every year in Myrtle Beach during the beginning of Summer. This party is simply called the Circuit and it turns Myrtle Beach into one giant party for a month. For this reason, Out Magazine has rated Myrtle Beach the greatest place on earth. With this kind of press coverage, millions of gays and lesbians are attracted to the city.
International airports are also located in Columbia and Hilton Head Island.
Transportation
Major Highways
I-95 is the best way for tourist coming from The North to get to Florida and vice versa. This freeway was originally built without exits to keep the undesirables out.
I-26 is the grand artery of South Carolina's intrastate commerce which is why Queen Randhawa has approved a SCDoT plan for a major upgrade to I-26. This upgrade will feature a minimum of 10 lanes along its entire length (expanding to 20 lanes in Charleston and Columbia, and 16 lanes in Spartanburg) including both North and Southbound truck lanes and High Occupancy Speed Lanes (HOSL). High Occupancy Speed Lanes will have a minimum speed of 120mph for the entire 220 miles length of I-26, while the rest of the lanes will simply continue to have no speed limit. The design will feature a heated roadway in the upstate (completed in December 2013) and a high speed Underground Railroad line for the entire length of I-26. This entire project will cost $99,123,149,949 and will be completed in 2016.
I-20 South is a tollway between Summerville and Augusta, Georgia. This tollway was intended to cut the travel time from Charleston to Atlanta, thereby, improving interstate commerce. The tollway is built for speed with an enforced minimum speed of 120mph ($20,000 fine). In December 2012, as the first car to drive on the tollway Queen Randhawa filmed an hour-long public service announcement which aired on PBS named, "Driving the I-20 South". In the announcement, she gives helpful tips on how not to get pulled over on the tollway (don't slow down) and she completes the 130 mile drive in under 40 minutes in her Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Grand Sport Vitesse Special Edition. Unfortunately, for the drivers on the road behind her, the Georgia Highway Patrol were waiting for the road's grand opening. Georgia Highway Patrolmen arrested 275 drivers for doing at least 40mph over the speed limit in Augusta. As retaliation, Her Majesty ordered the arrest of 275 Georgia drivers who were illegally driving slow cars (or just driving too slow) on the tollway in South Carolina.
I-20 Alternative Tollway was an I-20 extension funded by the city governments within the Gay Parish which was intended to connect the south's 2nd gayest city (Atlanta) with the world's gayest city (Myrtle Beach). The project was funded by the Gay Parish and not the South Carolina government because according to Sultan Mark Sanford, "...we have more important things to do than to pander to anymore gay interests...". The Mayor of Myrtle Beach was reportedly, "fiercely upset" at the Sultan's comment. So much so that, Myrtle Beach's mayor organized the mayors of Gay Parish to, fund, and build a new extension to I-20 in just 20 months to, "...show our meanie Sultan how it's done".
I-85 passes through the upstate of South Carolina offering its residents easy access to either Charlotte or Atlanta. Due to the snowfall amounts in this region of South Carolina, this 106 mile stretch of I-85 features a heated road surface for winter driving.
I-77 only serves the purpose of connecting Charlotte (and Rock Hill) to Columbia. The residents of Columbia don't like this, in fact, there have been several attempts made at closing the freeway throughout its history. However, all of these attempts have failed due to protests from the city of Rock Hill sounding something like, "Just because we are technically a suburb of Charlotte it doesn't mean we want to be Charlotte, please don't forget about us...we aren't Charlotte...Fuck You Charlotte!!".
US-17 was built to connect South Carolina's coastal communities (Hilton Head and Myrtle Beach) to Charleston. Many sections between Charleston and the Gay Parish still have 60 mph speed limits, due to underdevelopment. Because of this underdevelopment, the Gay Parish government has built a US-17 bypass (Carolina Gay Parkway SC-31) designed to have no speed limit. Meanwhile, there aren't any sections between Hilton Head and Charleston that still impose the 60 mph speed limit.
Law
Traffic Laws
Drunk driving has only been illegal in South Carolina for a month in 1947. It became illegal because South Carolina's first gay Sultan, Strom Thurmond, was able to pass the law before he was assassinated. Sultan Strom Thurmond despised drunk driving because his first boyfriend and true love was killed when a drunk truck driver collided with their pink Bugatti Atlantic on I-20. When Sultan James F. Byrnes came to power he made a point of undoing every law that Strom Thurmond passed, dismissing them as, "laws that favored the gays and hurt the common person".
In 1997, Sultan David Beasley outlawed the speed limit on all divided highways that are four lanes and over in South Carolina when he was thrown in jail by the Gay Parish Sheriff Deputy for doing 140mph over the speed limit on US-17 in his Bugatti EB110. When asked what his hurry was, he told officers that,"My wife is fucking that damn dyke again; under my god-damn roof, in my god-damn bed! I just know it...I called her three times and she did not answer! I swear to you, I'm going to kill that lesbian!" Due to the Sultan's imprisonment, the lesbian was able steal David Beasley's wife and take her back to Myrtle Beach, where they lived happily ever after.
Due to there being no speed limit, interstate driving in South Carolina is taken very seriously. Sultan Mark Sanford made it a felony (3 years in North Charleston) to hold up traffic in the left lane (since January 2008). This law stems from the three incidents in June of 2007: First incident was on June 1, when a 2007 BMW M5 full of College of Charleston soccer players traveling at 155 mph (perfectly legal) was killed when they plowed into the back of a Florida tourist driving 45 mph in the left lane on I-95, second indecent on June 10 was caused by a deadly game called "Match the Speed of the Slow Lane" being played by two 19 year old girls driving 2007 Chevy Z71 Suburbans when a State Trooper Brabus EV12 traveling at 210 mph on I-26 crashed into the Z71 in the left lane killing everyone, the third incident was a 309 car pile-up on I-85 caused when a Greenville BMW M6 Policecar was in hot pursuit of a Furman University student who had taken an 2007 Saleen S7 for a joyride when slow drivers in the fast lane caused both the Saleen and police car to set off a chain reaction of death and destruction. Along with this piece of legislation, the Sultan also introduced a minimum speed limit of 70 mph on most of the four-lane divided highways in South Carolina.
Drug laws
South Carolina is one of few states that adhere to blue laws, which allows the sale and consumption of drugs and recreational pharmaceuticals. Counties and cities can apply a referendum to overturn this. Some places that allow the use of every drug and pharmaceutical in the world are Richland County, Charleston County, and the Greenville & Spartanburg County and the travel destinations of Oconee County and the Gay Parish. Places on the Grand Strand (Gay Parish) most defiantly adhere to Blue Laws because it allows them to enjoy their fabulous lifestyles better. Bars throughout the state are even allowed to sell date rape drugs. This allows for straight female college students to play jokes on gays. For instance, they will sleep with a gay man and post the pictures on Twitter to ruin his gay reputation (This is only a felony in Gay Parish). However, there are still some restrictions, for instance, bars within a certain distance of a church may not sell heroine.
Law Enforcement Agencies
- South Carolina Department of Public Safety
- South Carolina Highway Patrol Division
- South Carolina Bureau of Protective Services
- South Carolina Criminal Justice Academy Division
- Her Majesty's Secret Death Squad Police
Government
The Monarchy
South Carolina's state government consists of only an Executive branch with wealthy nobles who cater to the needs of the Sultan (or Queen). The Sultan or Queen heads the Executive branch (some officers of which are hired). The Monarch’s family is in power for as long as they are able to avoid assassination (23 Sultans have been killed in South Carolina history) or as long as they aren't ousted by a coup. The current ruler of South Carolina is, the Duchess of Lexington, Queen Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley. There exists two main sets of nobles, first are the 46 members in South Carolina's Premium Nobleman's Club and then there is the 124 members in the Nobleman's Club. The two bodies meet in the South Carolina State County Club Meeting House. There is no judicial branch because the Monarch is Law.
The First Gay Sultan (1947)
By 1945, residents of the Gay Parish were 239% more wealthy than residents of the rest of South Carolina. With this money could come immense power if only the Gay Parish could find someone to appoint as Sultan of South Carolina. Enter a young Gay Parish socialite named, Strom Thurmond from Myrtle Beach. As the Parish's most eligible bachelor, he sped through the streets of Myrtle Beach in his pink Bugatti Atlantic, hitting up Myrtle Beach's sexiest hangouts with a different man on his arm every single night. Experts say that, one day he was offered $100,000,000,000.01 from the president of Coastal Carolina University and his friends to be the next Sultan of South Carolina with the support of the Gay Parish government. Young Strom Thurmond jumped at this chance, only thinking of how much more ass he could get. So on November 3, 1946 The Gay Parish Beach Patrol tracked down the then current Sultan Burnet Maybank on his yacht while he was sailing to North Carolina, they boarded his vessel and executed him. The next day when Strom Thurmond assumed the title of Sultan of South Carolina, there were riots across the state in every major city (except for Myrtle Beach of course), they knew that their beloved Sultan Maybank was dead and he was replaced with a gay. The riots were quickly defused when Strom Thurmond enacted an executive order called, "Millions to the Masses", which gave every one in South Carolina $1,000,000. During this time in office, he enacted a series of laws aimed at integrating Myrtle Beach with the rest of South Carolina, thereby, (according to the Charleston elite) making the rest of South Carolina a gay paradise. This angered many, but they were quieted with yet another round of $1,000,000 for everyone. But, not everyone would laydown. Since Strom Thurmond's first day on the throne, Grand Duke of Charleston, James F. Byrnes was already mobilized to make the move to be the next Sultan, but didn't want to kill his friend Sultan Maybank, since that would cause riots. However, since most of South Carolina citizens hated Strom Thurmond, he was able to take care of him easily. Strom Thurmond died when his cocaine was replaced with Cocainacide, which was an experimental poison developed by the Medical University of South Carolina.
Sultan Mark Sanford's Scandal (2009)
In the summer of 2009, the then Sultan of South Carolina Mark Sanford went on a well criticized six month bender in South America. This was all part of a PBS reality series called, "The Good Life of a South Carolina Sultan". During this series, the Sultan of South Carolina was videotaped doing cocaine in Colombian night clubs with Drug Lords, having foursomes in Argentina with supermodels, committing 134 murders in Venezuela, and having sex with 231 different people during his 2 months in Brazil. The controversy arose when he revealed top secret projects being worked on in South Carolina universities. For instance he used the "Down to Fuck" Glasses developed by the University of South Carolina (these glasses allowed anyone wearing them the ability to have sex with anyone they wanted) to cheat on his wife with over 500 women during his trip and toward the end of his trip the Sultan found out that he had every Hepatitis and HIV. When he found out about his illnesses, he called the Medical University of South Carolina BioHazard Rapid Response Team to cure him (revealing that the MUSC has a cure for HIV and Hepatitis). This outraged all the nobility in South Carolina, but none more so than the the Duchess of Lexington Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley whose family had developed several of the treatments to AIDS and HIV at MUSC. The Duchess was able to cancel the airing of the show and prevent it from airing. This action averted disaster for the Duchess, until it was made available for download on WikiLeaks. The Duchess of Lexington was later able to convince everyone that this particular episode of the show was just a prank played by Sultan Mark Sanford.
The Rise of South Carolina's first Queen (2011)
For two years the Duchess of Lexington Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley devised a plan to overthrow the Sultan of South Carolina. On February 1,2011 the Duchesses Secret Security composed of mercenaries from India was planning to assassinate the Sultan on his way to a Columbia area strip club. Sultan Mark Sanford caught wind of this and went into exile in Argentina on Christmas of 2010. This left a void at the top of South Carolina's government. On January 12, 2011, The Duchess declared that she would be Queen of South Carolina. This sparked outrage among the male members of nobility in South Carolina, who didn't want to know what would happen when the Queen went into PMS. Outrage was so heated that in her first 5 months in office there were 239 assassination attempts on Her Majesty and Her Majesty's Motorcade was bombed 4 times in the State Capital. This violence escalated on May 2011, when Her Majesty signed and executive order called "God Mode" in to law, allowing Her Majesty to do anything she wanted within South Carolina. With this order the Queen seized all the property in South Carolina, declared a 1900-0500 curfew in South Carolina (causing outrage in the populous), and Her Majesty's Death Squad showed up at the homes of all the nobility in South Carolina as a show of force. Seeing the pure force the new Queen of South Carolina was using, Grand Duke of Charleston, Glenn McConnell was afraid for his life when he told the New York Times that, "This new Queen is the Devil"! God Mode was law for two months after it was enacted. Subsequently, every month during PMS, God Mode would be re-enacted allowing the Queen free reign of South Carolina. That was until, Grand Duke Glenn McConnell was able to call in the US Military when, during a PMS-fueled God Mode rampage, Her Majesty seceded from the United States and tried to annex Georgia and Florida into her new country called New Kashmir. When the Queen found out that the US Military was after her she held a press conference in front of the state capital to say, "Alright, hold on everyone just chill for a bit, I was just joking! There's no need for anyone to bring the US military in on this!". With that comment, troops withdrew from South Carolina. Her Majesty allowed Grand Duke Glenn McConnell to have 10% of the power held by the Queen to prevent further mishaps but this was only if he agreed to let her reduce the government's transparency. He was forced to agreed.
Education
Lower Learning
South Carolina is known for its ridiculously opulent and lavish high schools, which are all set up like boarding schools. Wealthy students from all around the world come to South Carolina schools (bringing in trillions of £) in hopes of being great in sports or just getting into a great university. These institutions are for the most part (principals are still adults) run by the students for the students. These schools receive trillions in foreign money, which is spent on sports, research, and investments. With the amount of money being poured into the state's high schools and the fact that they are mostly run by students under 20 years old, many school pranks will often times go way to far. For instance, after being defeated by Summerville High School (again) in a playoff soccer match, Dorchester county rival (and the premier global military school) Fort Dorchester High School, deployed its military to Summerville's Campus in 2010. This occupation resulted in the killing of 940 students, the rape of countless other students, the destruction of 5 sports stadiums, a loss of billions of dollars and thousands of refugee students fled to upstate schools such as Dorman and Northwestern (Summerville students are hated by students of its other surrounding schools). The occupation only ended when Sultan Mark Sanford threatened to call the real military. Another incident took place in 2014 at Easley High School after its Varsity Alpine ski team brutally defeated Seneca's team. Seneca hired 12 waterbombers full of blue paint to bomb Easley. These paint bombings killed 4 students and caused millions of dollars in damage to Easley's campus. Despite all of this, many businesses feel perfectly fine with taking a student with a high school diploma from a South Carolina high school over someone with an Ivy League bachelor's degree.
Higher Learning
| Photo | Institution | Enrollment | Endowment | Description |
|---|---|---|---|---|
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Medical University of South Carolina | 33,283 | £29.7 Billion† | Founded in 1824 by a group of Kiawah Native Americans living in Charleston. MUSC is the global leader in recreational pharmaceutical and infectious disease research and development. The main building on campus called the MUSC Shard is by far the tallest building of any university. |
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College of Charleston | 32,718 | £9.9 Billion† | Founded by the Kiawah Native Americans in 10 A.D., the C of C is considered the most ancient university in the world. Today, C of C is the premier flagship university in the Lowcountry and is also a premier baseball and soccer juggernaut. |
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Coastal Carolina University | 35,980 | $17.9 Billion | Founded during the religious uprising of the nineteenth century, Coastal Carolina was intended to be the first ever institution for the homosexual. Today, it is the world's greatest university for the gay and lesbian community. |
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Clemson University | 36,904 | $15.3 Billion | Founded in 1889 by a group of American Industrialist, Clemson quickly became the upstate's very own flagship university. The sport of American Football was introduced to South Carolina in 1890 by Clemson's athletic program. Today, Clemson is the pinnacle of college athletics. |
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University of South Carolina | 43,298 | $7.9 Billion | Founded in 1800 as the College of Cockfighting by Scottish settlers, Cherokee leadership took over creating the University of South Carolina, the State's newest flagship university. |
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Charleston Southern University | 28,888 | £2.1 Billion† | CSU was founded 1860 by wealthy Southern gentlemen (Confederates) who intended for the school to be the premier school in the South (Confederacy). In 1864, General Sherman's air-raids on Charleston left the school in ruins for next 100 years. The school now serves those who wish to be C of C students, but don't measure up. CSU has the highest tuition in the world at £100,000 a year. |
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Furman University | 24,923 | $5.2 Billion | FU was founded in 1824 for religious extremists to learn a message of hate of one's fellow man. Student Crusaders and Student Jihadists teamed up and organized killings of the gays around South Carolina. Now under Cherokee leadership, FU is the center for Native American historical research. |
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The Citadel | 4,000 | £1 Billion† | Founded in 1800 as the premier military school for men in South Carolina. This status was lost when Sultan Pickens took control of the school military and destroyed a union fleet guarding Charleston harbor, signaling the beginning of the American Civil War in 1861. |
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Winthrop University | 13,350 | $1.8 Billion | Founded in 186 A.D. by Santee Native American women for women who wished to become equestrians and chariot racers. Winthrop is now a full blown university! |
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Wofford College | 11,108 | $1.2 Billion | Founded by wealthy farmers (plantation owners) from Georgia. Wofford's purpose was to spread the "Southern lifestyle" to South Carolina. In 1920, due to failure to enroll enough students the Santee people bought the school and turned it into an institution devoted to the Art of Design. |
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Francis Marion University | 6,298 | $1.1 Billion | Founded in 1901, Francis Marion is the newest none Technical College in South Carolina |
† Charleston schools use the British Pound as currency for some reason.
Sports
The most popular sport in South Carolina is soccer. This is indicated by soccer games continuing to set attendance records both statewide and nationally. For instance, Summerville High School has the record for the most people to attend a high school sporting event at 75,923 for a boy's playoff soccer game against Wando. This is also supported by the amount of riots and on field brawls that take place during soccer games around the state (riots are indicative of passion for the sport). A close second and third would be baseball and football, respectively, according to attendance and riot statistics. However, it is one thing to enjoy sports, it is another thing to be dominant in sports, as is the case with South Carolina. The reason the state of South Carolina is so damn good at sports is because of a chemical called 32-Oxyhydrophosphatidaliniram Acid, which is found naturally in the state's water. Tests run by the Medical University of South Carolina, have shown that this chemical allows girls (and guys) to easily grow muscle while still being ultra hot. Excessive amounts of this molecule won't help to grow muscle but it has been shown to burn fat and increase muscular power output. Another effect is the enhancing of secondary sexual characteristics (men look more manly and women look hotter). This allows beauty queens like Miss teen South Carolina and other randomly hot women to be Olympic Sprinters while looking fairly normal. This chemical is also reportedly responsible for Clemson University's dominance in NCAA sports with 29 NCAA national titles in football, 25 in rugby, and 25 in soccer. One may also presume that it is also responsible for an incident in September of 2004, where Heathwood Hall Prep of Columbia beat the Atlanta Falcons in an exhibition 21-3.
Professional Teams
Ever since Sultan Mark Sanford paid the NHL, MLS, and NFL to get rid of their salary caps South Carolina sports has enjoyed great successes in professional sports since 2000. Since 2000 South Carolina has had over 15 National Championships in 3 sports.
Due to South Carolina's passion for soccer, the Charleston Battery is the most valuable athletic team in the world (worth £10.9 Billion as of January 2014). They are located in Charleston, where they were founded. The talent on this team is South Carolina home grown for the most part, with a few celebrities like Lionel Messi sprinkled in to make the world take notice. They can't lose! Due to that inability to lose, they have been kicked out of lower divisions upon protests from fans and owners of opposing teams that The Battery is just too good. The MLS is also considering such action. As a result, the Queen of South Carolina is currently paying off very important people in England to have the Charleston Battery added to the English Premier League.
The Carolina Panthers (worth $10.8 Billion as of March 2014) moved to Charleston, South Carolina when the Sultan of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, paid them $15 Billion. With this money they have built the most technologically advance facilities in the NFL. They have also spent large amounts of money for first round drafts picks and NFL stars like starting Quarterback Tom Brady. Since the Panthers have been unable to lose the Super Bowl since 2002, many NFL owners and fans of the game have placed pressure on the commissioner of the NFL to reinstate the salary cap. However, he will not comply or else the Queen of South Carolina will stop paying him $10,000,000 monthly.
Due to 70% of South Carolinians not knowing what hockey is the Carolina Hurricanes (worth $1.8 Billion as of October 2013), whom the Sultan also paid ($1.5 Billion) to move to South Carolina in 2002, aren't very dominant. The Hurricanes can't even go undefeated in the NHL regular season, though, luck is always on their side when it comes time for the playoffs. Even though they have had the Stanley Cup since 2002 and they have the great Sidney Crosby on their roster, the fans have had to endure much more than their fair share of heart attack moments in the Greenville County Arena.
Upon seeing the successes of other professional sports teams who moved from North to South Carolina (Carolina Panthers and Hurricanes) The Charlotte Bobcats (worth $2.1 Hundred as of October 2014) have been looking to the South Carolina Sultan to solve their problems as well. The owner of the Bobcats in 2009, during a well criticized rant, told Charleston's CBS 5 that, "we f*cking suck and we need money...why is [Sultan Mark Sanford] handing money to these other damn teams for?...we need it the most!...people think we are a damn WNBA team!...[crying]...people in South Carolina don't even know what the f*ck hockey is!". An official statement from Sultan Mark Sanford read, "Yeah...You guys can stay in Charlotte...However, if you need money, here's a check for $0,000,000,002...Good Luck!"
See also
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