“If wilderness is outlawed, only outlaws can save wilderness.”
The Wild West, named after Oscar Wilde, is a fictional U.S. location and historical period invented by the late Buffalo Bill in the early 1880s to win a bet with the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. The cowboy and hillbilly denizens of this mythical world dressed in dirty Turkish rugs and had silly hats. The West (also referred to as "The Middle of Nowhere" along with the Midwest) consists of California and the empty space that occupies 90% of the USA (see desert).
The Western United States has an interesting story on the origin of its name. While early settlers of other regions quickly came up with clever, pithy names, those in the American Frontier struggled for years to find their identity. But recently, legislation has been passed formally declaring this region, the West. This idyllic name, often informally applied to the region by those with maps, has yet to catch on in the region itself due to the utter lack of them. Locals often use the name "Mexifornia" to describe the region. And rightly so, as its entire workforce is comprised of Mexicans. This thoughtful and respectful recognition surely makes the workers glad, as they seem intent on staying.
- 1 AD – Injuns fight Mormons in the Battle of Five Armies and are victorious.
- 1804 – Lewis and Clark set off to explore the newly-purchased West, using the travelogue Travels with Charley to guide them.
- 1812 – Injuns encounter the white men. They trade beads for turkey meat, but then the whites threw the beads in the Injuns' eyes, killed the Injuns, and stole the turkey.
- 1823 – White men introduce Injuns to the sport of scalping, then scalp the Injuns.
- 1856 – Gold Rush! People hurry to the Wild West to mine for uranium in Them Thar Hills.
- 1862 – Clint Eastwood defeats Yul Brynner and takes the throne of the Wild West.
- 1871 – Eastwood is killed in a freak train accident. The Kingdom of the Wild West declared independence with Huckleberry Finn as Prime Minister.
- 1876 – Battle of Little Big Bird.
- 1883 – Buffalo Bill's Wild West starts.
- 1890 – The American Frontier is closed by the Census Bureau.
- 1903 – The Western movie genre becomes popular with The Great Train Robbery.
- 1912 – Arizona is the last Western territory admitted as a state into the Union (not counting Alaska or Hawaii).
- 1965 – With interest waning on the eve of the hip and mod generations, The Wild Wild West (beta name: The Wild West v.2) is introduced featuring buff and hunky men who live together on a private train car (no women allowed) being tired up and tortured while shirtless.
- 1970s – The Western genre becomes unpopular and the Kingdom of the Wild West implodes, killing millions.
- 1990 – Back to the Future III is released, set in the Wild West. Baby Jesus cries.
“The Utah deserts and plateaus and canyons are not a country of big returns, but a country of spiritual healing, incomparable for contemplation, meditation, solitude, quiet, awe, peace of mind and body. It is for this sacred cause that we tear it up with our ATVs.”
The Wild West comprises three geographical parts: the Rocky Desert, the Sandy Desert Valley, and Them Thar Hills. The sections are all located west of the Mississippi River and are now called the "flyover states". These inhospitable lands are home to only one form of native flora: the dangerous and highly territorial tumbleweed. As for fauna, the lands are currently inhabited by Native Americans drunk on fire water, and white Anglo-Americans who live in trailer parks.
“Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves. And then commence the orgies.”
The West is filled with sand, and has a notable lack of water. Tornadoes are known to blow people away and send them to Oz. It is also home to evil camels, cowboys, crooks, outlaws, sheriffs, cacti, and of course, the dreaded Wicked Witch of the West. Not the safest place to live in the world. Nevertheless, the West is currently ranked among the most physically majestic regions of the world, slightly behind the Amazon, but leaps and bounds above the Alps. The source of this majesty is unknown, but the bounteous granite pillars extending to Heaven above may have something to do with it.
On the West Coast, many view the setting Sun over at some undetermined point. For those at the center of the universe, it is rumored to be in a line between Los Angeles, California and Santa Fe, New Mexico, but as His Right Honorable the Ruler of the Universe has stated, the U.S. and Mexico have good border relations. When in doubt, a good way of observing whether the Sun is setting is whether your mobile phone display is viewable without pressing a button.
People who come from the West are known as Westerners, or desperadoes. Though due to the spherical nature of Earth, everybody is West of somewhere, and it can thus be claimed that everybody is a desperado. However, people who use this kind of logic are usually thrown to the scorpions at the age of 25, or become politicians.
- Cowboys – Freakishly hideous mutants, cowboys are horned monsters most likely descended from minotaurs who migrated to the Wild West to escape persecution in Zeus's Greece.
- Bounty hunters – These people hunt the wild bounties. Originally this was portrayed as an adventurous life, but in truth it was a cruel bloodsport. It ended when bounties became extinct.
- Injuns – Commonly believed to be a parody and racial slur on Native Americans, the Injuns of the Wild West actually predate the invention of Native Americans. They are a wise race of pointy-eared creatures who use bows to fight and grew feathers on their heads. They were all named either Tonto or Sitting Bull, the only exception being the almost godlike chief Sitting Tonto.
- Bandits – Bandits were a race of greasy people who hailed from the mythical land of Mexico. They were related to the troll and universally hated. Some common traits included an odor of guacamole and speaking in a language of nonsense words like señor and donkey. Their diet consisted of corn chips.
- Whores – The only women in the Wild West, these people have sex for money and live in "cat-houses". However, unlike prostitutes East of the Mississippi River, all whores in the Wild West have hearts of gold. Either that, or they end up disfigured and killed by bandits. Somehow, despite a total lack of modern birth control, whores in the Wild West never have children as a result of their unsavory occupation.
“Americanism means the virtues of courage, honor, justice, truth, sincerity, and hardihood — the virtues that made America. Oh, and whiskey and steak, too. Pretty much, be a cowboy.”
All recreational activity in the Wild West was fun and family-friendly. Bloodbaths and gunfights were common and many forms of gambling and drinking were popular. Some much-loved recreational things of the time include poker, whiskey, malt whiskey, Texas Hold 'Em poker, strip poker, whiskey poker, strip whiskey, and prostitutes.
In popular culture
“Life is peaceful there.
Lots of open air.
To begin life new.
This is what we'll do.
Sun in winter time.
We will do just fine.
Where the skies are blue.
This is what we'll do.”
The "Old West" played an important part in American history, and is embedded in America's folklore and pop culture. They inspired a genre of movies called Westerns. Common themes of Westerns are the shooting of Injuns with Henry Ford's patented M60 revolving pistol and the Civil War (a non-existent conflict). Other themes include dust storms, tornadoes, cactus collisions, being eaten by Sand People, prairie dog pack mutilations, gay cowboy love, and cattle drives.
A spaghetti western is quite literally a western made out of spaghetti. The Wild West was very popular with Italians and many devoted their lives to recreating it in the real world. Spaghetti is simply the most abundant and structurally sound material Italians have access to. Sergio Leone is considered the greatest spaghetti western architect of all time and thus was canonized three times in his life by fellow famous Italian, the Pope.
Some believe that the Wild West really existed and that it could be accessed by inter-dimensional travel. The Will Smith film Wild Wild West explores this further. Hilarity ensues as the West Philadelphian Fresh Prince travels through dimensions with a steampunk theme. But then the viewer realizes you have wasted two hours of your life that you will never get back and you cry.
The Wild West is also a theme park located 10 miles from San Antonio, Texas. The park features rides based on popular Westerns, such as "Rooster Cogburn Roostercoaster", the "Alamo Aviator", the "High Plains Scrambler", and the "Tilt-o-Wayne". Western themed foods are also available, such as the "Fistful of Fajitas and Fries", "Cowboy Crazy Chili", "Dude Ranch Beans", "Hearty Horseshoes", "BBQ Beer", "West Texas Tea", and the "Lonesome Donut".
- Oscar Wilde
- Tame East
- Louisiana Purchase
- Red Army Choir
- Native Americans
- Sitting Bull
- John Wayne
- Clint Eastwood
- Clint Eastwood's Mule
- Adam West
- Frank West