Tulsa, Oklahoma
“Let's get out of this podunk state, Wiley”
Tulsa is the Paris of cities. It is also the second-largest city in Oklahoma, behind Oklahoma City, mostly because of all the celebrities and YouTubers. And most importantly, Tulsa is the oil capital of the world, having 12,966,777 barrels of oil. That is 14 and one-third barrels for each of the 905,755 residents of the Tulsa "metropolitan" area. This makes Tulsa one of the wealthiest cities in the world, for all of those who either drink or bathe in crude oil.
Tulsa is also the orange barrel capital of the world, because the factories in Tulsa make 10 billion orange barrels each year. Tulsa is the home of baseball, pop culture and hip hop.
Interesting facts about Tulsa[edit]
- Tulsa spelled backwards is "a slut". This knowledge is required learning for 6th graders in Oklahoma Public Schools.
- Lost its virginity in 1978.
- The "Oral Roberts" is slang for a banned Oklahoma sex act. Guess which one?
- The "Golden Driller" is slang for a different banned Oklahoma sex act.
- Tulsans pick their noses more than any other city in the nation.
- Tulsa was the site of the original "Garden of Eden" in the Book of Mormon.
- North Tulsa was voted the safest city in America by the Oklahoma Board of Members in 1608.
- Will Rogers was once quoted as saying "Let's get out of this podunk state, Wiley!" before boarding a plane to Alaska.
- Tulsa has always been the traditional home for dead popes who are still breathing. However, dead popes who do not breathe do not reside in Tulsa, even though there is a large lobby trying to get them to come.
- Tulsa has the 2nd shortest commute time in the nation, because most Tulsans are either already there, or not working at all.
- Tulsa barely qualifies as a "Southern" city, being only about 10 miles south of a hypothetical extension of the Mason-Dixon line.
- Tulsa has the country's best Chamber of Commerce (2008), so designated because people go there at all.
History[edit]
Tulsa was created as a popular Cherokee amusement park in 1838. Legal battles with "Tulsa Land"s mascot's striking similarity to the Cleveland Indian's mascot forced the park to close in 1907. After closing down the park a ferris wheel collapsed into a heap of metal which opened hole in the ground that oil sprung out of! This oil sullied land was deemed "North Tulsa". Because of their success with the collapsed ferris wheel they began to repeat the technique all over the state, these collapsed ferris wheels would later be called "oil derricks" after Derrick Runs with Smith who caused the first ferris wheel collapse.
The oil that was extracted from the ground was put into paper bags and sold as an alternative to hallucinogenic cactus. Users would huff the contents of the bag to see visions of Earth Mother. Or something. Finally some wayward cowboys stumbled onto the Indian encampment of Tulsa in 1965 while looking for beer for their horses. They bought some of the Indian oil and founded it did the trick. After feeding it to their horses they ran for at least 80,000 miles before needing more oil.
The cowboys decided to make a deal with the Indians, they shot them on the spot and put a stake in the ground with their name on it. They called this magical land "New Freeland" which would be it's name until a tornado devastated New Freeland in 1980.
After the World's Fair left the glitzy name was abandoned for the much more popular "Aslut" the following year. Because of recent abstinence only programs influence city elders feared the name would inspire teens to eventually grow up. So the name was turned backwards into Tulsa again. Sexual purity was saved once and for all!
It is common knowledge that Oral Roberts hails from Tulsa and he founded the Oral Roberts University. What is not common knowledge is that God had originally told Oral to build his university in Delaware, but the plans were rejected by east coast elitist liberals. Oral began construction of his school in 1776 in France, but was forced to stop construction by enlightened Europeans who also rejected his narrow religious views. The original construction project can be viewed under Paris in the catacombs. He later spent time in a French prison after being convicted for stealing a loaf of bread. The University actually came into being when Oral threw a diamond like crystal material into the snow, causing the campus to spring from the ground on its own.
Culture[edit]
Memorial Drive provides hours of entertainment to teens who participate in a ritual known as "Cruzin de Streed" which is a benefit to provide funds to assist underprivileged petroleum producers.
Tulsa has a famed palindrome, A SLUT NIXES SEX IN TULSA.
Not every city has its very own tame pet palindrome. Once a year, the mayor harnesses up the palindrome and rides it through the midway at the state fair, and a good time is had by all (except the palindrome, which exists in a perpetual state of confusion, since it doesn't know whether it is coming or going).
Every 6th Sunday of Tulsember, all orphaned children are brought to the base of the Golden Driller statue. While perched atop the derrick, the mayor yells the traditional chant of, "NIÑOS FRESCOS", signaling a horde of horribly starved illegal aliens to descend upon the derrick so they may dismember and consume the unwanted kids. Any remaining scraps are presented to T. Boone Pickens as a peace offering.
Tulsa Race Riot[edit]
The Tulsa Race Riot (also known as the 1921 Race Riot, the Milagro Beanfield War, "and the Night that Tulsa Was Born") was a large-scale civil beating confined mainly to the racially segregated Greenwood neighborhood. It lasted 16 hours, caused over 800 hospital admissions, and left about 10,000 people homeless.
Officially, 39 people were reported killed in the riot, of whom 10 were white and 15 were of an unknown skin color (as the Chief of Police stated he "did not know" that humans came in shades of black and brown). The Red Cross estimated[citation needed][This Can't Be True] that 300 blacks actually died in the riot, which would make it the BEST in US history. Much of the rest of the United States had to wait until 1968 to even compete.
Other estimates range as high as 3,000 deaths, based on the number of grave diggers and other circumstances, although the archaeological and forensic work needed to confirm the number of dead has not been performed.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] Tulsa's economy boomed after this riot, and Tulsa decided to host race riots weekly. The KKK lines up on the south side, and the Black Panthers line up on the North Side. For a decade after the riots, the city's motto was "Be very, very quiet, I'm hunting darkies."
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