Tucson, Arizona
Tucson is Arizona's second largest city and is located in the southern part of the state. It is the seat of Pima County and former capital of The Confederate Territory of Arizona. It is a dirtier, slower, less expensive alternative to Phoenix boasting even less to do. For those passing through, Tucson consists of a cement plant, two sewage treatment facilities, constant freeway construction, something analogous to a "downtown", an interchange, a prison, a power plant, a landfill, and another prison and the Pima County jail.
Recent additions to the city include a electric trolly, that has boasted more injuries to bike riders crossing the tracks then to actually carrying any passengers. To help offset an extreme shortage of parking spaces downtown, available spaces have been replaced by the Sun Link street car tracks. The train like the city itself starts nowhere and quickly ends nowhere. It is currently not taking passenger traffic under a "testing phase", where as it is currently collecting data on how many parked cars can be hit in a single day.
History[edit]
Founded for some unknown and likely sadistic reason, it was originally conceived as a slum in a wash. Tucson has morphed from Presidio to Barrio. The original name of TwoScum was later replaced by the name Tucson, which is derived from a local Indian dialect meaning "Truck-stop". However, its most defining role was as a "sacrificial lamb" during the Cold War era. Where a vast idled Air Force armada remains as a stark reminder of a time when Tucson's sole purpose was to fool the former USSR into thinking the United States had a massive retaliatory air fleet on standby stationed somewhere in the remote Arizona desert. The Bone-Yard as it is locally known, now serves as a permanent place of residency for numerous species of bats, snakes and countless swarms of Americanized bees. Also dotting the hills around the city are several buried Titan II missile silos waiting for attack launch orders that never came. In addition to the missiles becoming militarily obsolete, local opinion quickly soured against the silos once noise concerns were addressed in the event of a possible launch.
Over the course of the last 500 years, the flags of four nations have flown over Tucson. At various times the flags of Spain, Mexico, The United States, and even the Confederacy have proudly flown over the city. Currently a white flag flies over the city due to it's lack of real sustained leadership on local issues ranging from enacting same sex marriage to gun sales on city property, to criminal alien safe havens within local churches.
To this day, no one has ever willingly moved to Tucson, but rather, just kinda ended up there as a last resort when all other options have failed for a meaningful life. Others have simply run out of gas and taken up residency claiming to be natives. The local area boast a large population of military personal, both active and retired, some have even catapulted into the ranks of Airman or even Corporeal, dozens remain in the greater Tucson area out of a pervasive sense of duty.
Culture, Politics, and Crime[edit]
While Phoenix is a diverse melting pot of many cultures, Tucson remains a cesspool of two cultures; Mexican and slightly less Mexican, as anyone lacking melanin lives outside the city limits. The city prides itself on "not being Phoenix," but this remark hints at an underlying inferiority complex to its northern neighbor.
There was once an attempt to create a thriving arts district, but plans were scrapped due to a lack of interest, originality, and a severe shortage of locally produced organic red paint. Colloquially it was known as La crisis de pintura roja.
Tucson also prides itself on accepting alternative life styles, and sports an inordinate number of Lesbians. This counteracts the huge influx of heterosexuals from Portland, Oregon who got tired of rain and moved to the desert.
The city clowncil for years has approved several motions to accept and embrace everyone, including everything from almost everywhere. This mindset has allowed Tucson to flourish as a lesbian-, gay-, bisexual-, transgender- city, border-jumper-, jobless-, homeless-, and dysfunctional-friendly city.
While Arizona cliams the 3 "C"'s, copper, cotton and cattle. Tucson has embraced it's own 3 "C"'s of corruption, cronyism and complacency.
Tucson's culinary scene has little variety. The city is full of Mexican joints that have the exact same food as the next, with your choice of tacos, burritos (burros) and enchiladas. Or you can go to the corner Sonoran hot dog cart and take home a case of food poisoning that will make you so sick you wish you could just die. A few "eclectic" establishments boasting trends of yesterday's gourmet can be found in the beloved Foothills, a region for the wealthier-than-you individuals.
The Mayor of Tucson is Arizona head basketball coach Sean Miller. The 7-member city clowncil is entirely made up of the basketball program's top financial boosters. Elections are called "contract extensions," in which the city gives the beloved mayor raises and incentives to prevent him from moving to a city in the Atlantic Coast Conference.
Tucson leads Arizona in overall crime rate, owing to its proximity to Mexico and to the lack of anything better to do. The violent crime rate tops that of Phoenix in almost every category. This may again be Tucson acting out because it can never live up to The Valley of the Sun. Tucson has been prescribed antidepressants and is feeling "better" about its perceived inadequacy.
Entertainment[edit]
The Tucson nightlife exists only in parallel dimensions in which there is actually something to do. A nearly half mile stretch of road called Forth Avenue is Tucson's pathetic excuse to imitate Tempe's Mill Avenue, and is frequented by California valley girls deemed not quite attractive enough to attend Arizona State. There is also a large contingent of mindless douchebags. Nonetheless, girls in the University area are the most attractive within city limits.
The California/Arizona Cross Migration Rule - All attractive women born in Arizona must enroll at a university in or otherwise move to California by their 21st birthday. Every transfer must be replaced by a California girl of comparative value. This ensures the universities and bars of either state remain full of young attractive women from the reciprocal state.
Other activities include driving out to the sticks, lighting a wooden pallet on fire and getting absolutely hammered, shooting various weapons at anything that moves, local Indian gaming, or going to one of the 5 uninteresting local malls. Every so often a notable musical act will become lost or stranded and actually play at the dank pit Tucson calls an arena, but these occurrences are rare and are usually more often related to vehicle malfunctions on the tour bus.
Sports[edit]
A City Ordinance states that college basketball is the only real sport. Existence of a football team or a first-class softball program are nothing more then mere rumors. Everyone is all about the Wildcats with nothing more than their lame, losing football team to get hyped over. Then they riot.
MLB Spring Training used to be a draw for snowbird winter visitors, but a now vacant "state-of-the-art" stadium in the most retarded place imaginable was a hint that Tucson was about to get yet another gallery of broken-bottle art and graffiti paid for by voter approved bonds.
Transportation[edit]
Tucson has no real freeway system to speak of, nor is one really wanted if it would in any way displace exotic rare never seen non indigenous species of flora fauna. Traffic control lights on most major streets are timed and set to force motorist to sit at intersections while no cross traffic is present. The recent introduction of photo enforcement has enhanced the unwillingness of motorist to clear the intersection on a yellow light, thereby adding to the never ending congestion on most major streets. So if driving please exercise extreme caution during your commute, short of a root canal without anesthetic it will likely be one of slowest and most aggravating events one will ever experience. It is common knowledge that driving as little as 2 mph over the posted limit will result in an immediate aneurysm, thus traveling at anything approaching a reasonable speed is to be avoided at all costs. Yet, even at these ridiculously low speeds, it is still advised to always remain alert as Tucson has an usually high risk for fiery auto crashes. (Left) In addition Tucson boast some interesting local traffic traditions. The slowest vehicle often driven by the elderly is always given the position of prominence in the far inside left lane. The use of turn signals has been discouraged for decades. The use of turn signals is often perceived as a request for the driver behind you to quickly full the void next to you to provide traffic uniformity. Hours of boredom behind the steering wheel can often be replaced by dodging endless pot holes for several miles without end.
Tucson has an international airport located adjacent to one of the many sprawling ghettos. However, no international flights are scheduled and the title is maintained for self esteem purposes only. It often serves as an emergency landing place for aircraft traveling to major cities that might experience difficulties while aloft.
Climate[edit]
Tucson's only redeeming quality is it is slightly less of a Godforsaken hell hole than Phoenix, temperature wise. According to a local myth, it can even snow on occasion. Tucson enjoys having only two seasons, Warm and Hot verse the four seasons found in the rest of the world. However, the highlight of the meteorological year is the summer monsoon season. In the afternoon severe storms build up over the mountains then either completely miss the city or fizzle out before they reach anywhere close to you. In lieu of any street sweeping, flash floods are commonly used to wash away last year dirt and grim. Tucson proudly boast one of the largest collections of pathological liars, who double as local media weather personalities.
The place is really not fit for human life. The only watering holes will be stocked with fish that swim in the city's nasty reclaimed water, and you will contract flesh-eating bacteria if you dare to take a dip. The only grass anywhere is sustained only by the same nasty reclaimed water and a huge chunk of it is also occupied by golf courses.
And obviously, since its the desert, shade is a limited commodity. The soil is sandy, so if you water any decent sized tree enough to keep it alive, the soil around its roots will loosen, and it will be blown on top of your house when a good enough gust of wind hits it. But hey, if this happens to you, you may get lucky enough to appear on the evening news to talk about how bad the storm was - even though it really wasn't a tornado.
All in all, the city should just stop with their lame attempts at vegetation and let this horrid cat box return to the thorn-ridden dust bowl that it was intended to be.
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