Major League Baseball
Major League Baseball (MLB) is a premier professional baseball league that is fixed. With teams in North America, the league has achieved more international recognition than bloodbath, football and hockey. The MLB's annual championship, the World Series, is one of the highest rated events in America.
The MLB used to have two leagues: the American League and the National League. However, due to waning popularity, the MLB can now only afford conferences. And the conferences are sponsored by politicians. Beautiful.
|Baltimore Gloryholes||Hold the record for most Steroids users ever to play for a team at one time with 3. (The record was since tied by the San Francisco Queers.) Also in recent years has become the official trashcan of the Chicago Cubs (Corey Patterson, Felix Pie, Rich Hill, and many, many more).|
|Boston's Red Cocks||Once had Babe Ruth. He later ditched and cursed them just for the hell of it. Lose to the Yankees everytime. Have sucked since forever.|
|New York Wankers||Have the |
|Tampa Bay Baseball Team That Will Never and Should Never Win a World Series||Some crappy team from Florida, I think. I've never heard of them before. Somehow made the World Series once, back in 2008. The players recently called out their fans for "Not coming out to support their playoff contending team in a pivotal game" with a lousy 27 fans showing up at their last game, it was the worst attendce record in all of history. The Tampa Bay team then preceed to lose the several games and are wondering why their fans hate them|
|Toronto Blue Gays||Canadians. Oddly enough, not every player on the team is Canadian. But if that did happen, the team would likely split because the players would be too obsessed with poutine.|
|Chicago Obamas||Won it all in 2005, but now, they suck. Besides from horrible, also a very racist team. The white Sox? Many Buffies out there are seriously gonna shank somebody. Just when the buffies thought they had The Black Sox. Nope. Boston worships Indians. Now the buffies are left in overshadow. Nobody shows up to any games unless they have at least a 10-game lead in their division. All fans are required to believe the they're the best team in baseball just because they won the World Series in 2005, mostly just to piss off the true Chicago baseball fans.|
|Cleveland Steamers||3 words. SUCK, MY and DICK. Formerly the Indians but the team changed it because it wasn't politically correct. HAHAHA.|
|Detroit Forclosures||They suck dick. You can already tell this team is a pussy whip. Everyone thought that they were gonna be fucking amazing. They were wrong. Just like they were wrong about 2012.|
|Kansas City Royal Flush||Usually not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs until April 15.|
|Minnesota Tits||This is a team of girls with huge tits. You know how men have crotch protectors (cups)? These gals have tit protectors. Usually win their division every year, only to get swept in the 1st round by the Skankees.|
|Birmingham African Americans||Expansion team, but has a storied history to bring pride to all Americans of all colors, shapes and sizes. Named after a Negro league team of baseball's colorful era, the 1950's.|
|Houston Who?||They just switched divisions. No one noticed, except fans of the AL West who observed that their team just got about 10 wins better.|
|Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Orange County of California of the United States of the Earth of the Milky Way Galaxy of the Universe||This team may have the most unnecessarily long name in professional sports.|
|Oakland Athletic Straps||Somehow make the playoffs despite losing the first 50 games every season.|
|Seattle Ichiro Sukmydickies||It has been rumored that they have been renamed the Mariners, but really, how many mariners do you know who play baseball?|
|Texas Power Rangers||George W. Bush owned the team, which has indirectly led to all of the players getting hooked on pot. He once tried to teach them to read children books, but by holding upsidedown(again) he finally gave up on his hope of the Texas Power Rangers reading as goodly as Dubya, And holding American Flags backward. Shoes also seem to come their way more often.|
|Mexico City Bandits||Newest team in the MLB, known for their crazy and horrible players, who have all had criminal records. Made the MLB believe that Mexico City was part of America.|
|Atlanta Redskins||Won the division every damn year throughout the 90s until the Rickrolls, by some absolute miracle, won the division in 2006.|
|MiamiAnchovies||Alex Rodriguez makes more money than all 25 of them combined, yet they actually did something productive in 2008. And by productive, we mean electing Barack Hussein Obama, who is black. Haven't you heard? Somehow have won the World Series twice, despite never winning their division or having a single fan.|
|New York Rickrolls||They're amazin' at chokin'. On balls and Mike Piazza.|
|Philadelphia Phuckers||Led by Charles "phat-ass" Manuel, this club likes to make bad trades but still manages to be a constant power house since making the move phrom the Negro Leagues. Have won 2 World Series in their entire 129 year team history, & it took them 97 years to win their 1st World Series, yet are always considered to be the best team in their league every year since 2007.|
|Washington Montreal Expos||Historic team that nobody cared about until their move to D.C. (where, in fact, many still don't care about them). They are also the Cincinnati Reds' trashcan(Felipe Lopez, Adam Git-r-Dunn, Austin Kearns, and many, many more).|
|Chicago Scrubs||The most partying team in baseball. Can't win World Series until Chuck Norris' death. Haven't won the World Series in a million years, yet somehow 40,000 drunken idiots who call themselves "fans" show up to every game. Wait 'till next year (and the next year, and the next year,
and the next year, and the next year, and the next year, etc.)
|Cincinnati Red Communists||A bunch of Commies in Ohio? Who knew?|
|Milwaukee Beers||The 2nd most partying team in baseball. They were formerly of the American League and hope to feel special in winning their second pennant, this time of the National League.|
|Pittsburgh Epic Fails||Currently sinking into the Allegheny. Somewhere, Brian Giles plucks a syringe out of his buttcrack.|
|St. Louis Marginals||Famous for Mark McGwire & Albert Assjols, 2 power-hitting clowns and a shortstop that was an actual wizard.|
|Arizona MilkSnakes||Posionous, unless stepped on.|
|Colorado Cockies||Discovered on October 1, 2007.|
|Los Angeles Doggers||The worst team in the world. Especially if you are a drunk Mexican with a beach ball. First team to let a nigger play baseball, & he actually wasn't that bad.|
|San Diego Madres||What a great, wonderful bunch of Panamanian child molesters.|
|San Francisco Leprechauns||Steroid-ville USA. Have the second gayest fanbase in baseball.|
Major League Baseball was founded in 1871 by Abner Doubleday. It resulted from a drunken wager that Doubleday could seduce the American population into watching adults play a leisurely children's game with a ball, bat and glove. Other countries, likely frightened by America's superiority, failed to field national teams for the MLB, thus explaining why the MLB has been almost exclusively American.
First World Series
In 1877, the first World Series was played between the Boston Scalpers and Atlanta Lynchers. (The teams went by harsher names back then.) The Scalpers took the first seven games of the 25-game series, but their ace pitcher, Carl "Righty" Stovepipe Jackson, broke his hand when it was stepped on by a crooked umpire with a large bet on the opposing team. Because only one pitcher was required on a team those days, there were no other pitchers for the Scalpers to turn to. So, they were forced to use their bat boy as a substitute. Atlanta went on to take the next 13 games and the first World Series title. Afterward, they lynched five Native Americans in celebration, and the city of Atlanta held a ticker tape parade in their honor. However, the win was slightly tainted when it was discovered that the Lynchers' third baseman was a light-skinned mulatto. The commissioner of baseball at the time, Arthur Goodwill Spalding, was forced to ban him from the game and erase him from the official records of the season.
Second World Series
For the next seven years, the World Series was not played because the National (Socialist) League Champion New York Mutuals refused to play any team that they thought they might not be able to beat readily. Finally, in 1884, McGraw felt that his Mutuals could easily take on the Philadelphia Phuckers, so the second World Series was played. The Series was reduced to only a best of 13 games this time. This series also saw the one-time appearance of the ground rule cow; if a ball rolled under one of the many grazing livestock in the outfield, the batter could safely proceed to third, while the umpire stitched a new ball to put into play.
The Mutual's ace pitcher, the inimitable Dave Matthews, would later form a band after he was kicked out of the league for pitching at teammates' heads when making check-throws to unmanned bases. Anyway, the Mutuals won the first two games at home in the livestock pen they called the Polo Grounds. Then the series moved to Philadelphia, where the Phuckers rallied behind their one-eyed pimp, Walter Johnson, who had lost three toes in a thresher and somehow learned to pitch a baseball with that foot. This unorthodox style, as much as the pitches he actually threw, baffled every player on the Mutuals. After five games in Philly, in which Johnson started in all of them, the Mutuals were in bad shape. In those games, they scored a total of only two runs, and 15 of their batters sustained serious injuries. The Mutuals were desperate, so they brought in Chuck Norris as a ringer first basemen to sucker-punch base runners in the back of the neck, but this was not enough to prevent Philadelphia from taking the series. McGraw, their manager, retired from the game a bitter and senile man.
Where's the World Series? Who Cares?
In 1905, someone noticed that a World Series hadn't been played in awhile, so the idea was introduced onto the ballot. It narrowly lost in favor of having a knitting circle instead. Many of the players, however, lived in fear of the day the World Series would be introduced to baseball again.
Finally, enough people did care about having a championship for baseball, so that the World Series was re-introduced to baseball in 1920. However, the series was reduced to a best of seven games in response to threats made from baseball players to the Commissioner.
Damn Yanks and Yorks
The New York Yankers went on to win the first 3000 World Series. The other teams became so furious during this incredible run, so they hired spies to kill them Yanks' top players: Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth. Gehrig was given the self-named infamous disease, and Babe Ruth was given a mysterious African disease from which he would die at the age of 53. Finally, in the 1950s the Dodgers began taking some Championships from New York. However, because the Dodgers were also in New York, the rest of baseball was still angry that the city was hogging all of the championships. In a secret league meeting, it was decided that rather than kill off the players, the Dodgers would spontaneously move to Los Angeles, where they would dry out in the sun.
During the 1960s and 1970s, plenty more teams won the World Series, and New Yorkers began turning to other sports to follow while Yankee Stadium began to rot. The league expanded rapidly, and some teams relocated. And then there were the Milwaukee Beers and Houston Assholes, whose players were stolen from Japan and Korea, respectively.
In 1990, Commissioner Bud "Budweiser" Selig was stupid enough to legalize the use of drugs. In 2005, overdoses of steroids and cocaine killed two-thirds of MLB players. With the death of so many players, the league turned to retired veterans Cal Ripken, Mike Piazza, and Elmo "3 Fingered" Brown to revamp the game, in addition to the signing of a mutant cyclops named Turanga Leela by the New New York Mets. It will be at least another decade before baseball returns to its prime, especially considering that president Barack Obama is not a huge fan of the sport and even introduced a bill making it illegal.
2010 and 2011
In 2010, Major League Baseball went bankrupt in the Great Recession (the news media's choice of words for the little depression we're having) and all the overpaid spoiled brats go find real jobs that pay less than a minimum wage. The San Francisco Leprechauns win the World Series.
In 2011, the Washington Nationals actually are winning games (and have a new logo and new team name), but the St. Louis Marginals win yet another World Series that someone else was supposed to win. On some random day some Detroit pitcher threw a perfect game, except the umpire didn't want him to so he actually didn't.
As the goal of running a unique sport apart from the rest is to copy everything that the NFL does, MLB in 2014 finally mimicked the NFL on instant replay. MLB concluded that fans would never get excited about a manager arguing a call by screaming, kicking dirt, and possibly covering a base with dirt or throwing a base. The solution was to keep the fans entertained by staring at two umpires with headphones on, waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for a call from a replay command center. Fans would even pay-per-view to watch umpires with headphones on who stare at each other.
The push for instant replay began when the Kansas City Royals won the 1985 World Series because of Jorge Orta being called safe when he might have been out with no outs in the inning. If he had been called out, that would have been 1 out and, when you record 1 out in baseball, the inning is over. Thus, obviously, the Cardinals would have won for sure. That's why people blame the umpire for that game. When the second base umpire blew a call against the Royals earlier in the game that would have given the Royals a run if it was called correctly, no one cared because it was just against the Royals. This mistake by the umpires began a dynasty in which the Royals have made it to the postseason every year, just from the resulting momentum. Thus, in 2014, errors by the umpires were replaced by errors by a secret extra crew of umpires working out of a Hidden Command Center in Secaucus, New Jersey under the watchful eye of lawyers and marketeers who will ensure that a team with no discernible fan base does not have inappropriately good luck.
Many different plays are reviewable, including all boundary calls, out or safe at a base, fair or foul in the outfield, trap plays in the outfield, and many other plays that hardly ever happen anyway. The exception to out or safe is a force out at second base on a double play because apparently it's written in the rules of baseball that your foot doesn't actually have to be on second base to record an out there.
Most amazingly, a ball that is originally called foul in the outfield can be overturned to fair, even though everyone stopped running after the original call. The Hidden Command Center merely consults an alternate universe to determine where the baserunners would have ended up if the call had been made correctly the first time.
In the first month of this "final solution," as the Hidden Command Center began calling runners safe after instant review, based on the fact that the fielder would go on to commit an error, MLB toyed with an idea with even more potential than off-site reversal of decisions; namely, changing the rules in the middle of a season.
Notable Players in the MLB
- Sal Fasano - Arguably the best player in league history
- Osama bin Laden - Played 5 seasons for Tampa Bay as shortstop. Won the MVP 3 times
- Oscar Wilde - Only player to play for all 36 teams
- Cookie Monster - Banned from the hall of fame for drug use
- Harry Potter - One of the best seekers in baseball
- Purple - Broke the color barrier
- Ur mom - Gave birth to the New York Yankees
- Michael Jackson - Only player to rape all people in attendance in a single game. Also a former catcher for the New York Yankees. Was kicked out of the league for intentionally grabbing the wrong balls. Sentenced to 1 year of community service in the Yankees' day care center.
- Chris Benoit - Led the league in 2003 with 259 hits [of his wife]. Beat that, Ichiro
- Barry Bonds - Hold the record for smallest male nut sack and biggest head
- Bo Jackson - Bo knows jack shit.
- Bo Diddy - He can't play, but white people can't jump either.
- Shaq - He can't play ball and can't rap.
- Bob Saget - Played for the Giants from 1987-1995 while starring on some piece of crap on ABC. Also, BOB SAGET!
|American Sports Leagues|
Baseball, Football with hands, Football with feet, Canadian Hockey, Michael Jordan League, Tony George League, Redneck Cup, Boringball