San Diego Padres

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“I once hid a whole squadron of X-Wings there and still had room for a star destroyer.”

~ Wedge Antilles on PETCO Park

The San Diego Padres are Catholic missionaries that, like all other religious zealots, travel the world teaching life lessons with balls and jock straps. The are sect of the New Orleans Saints.

Like the Houston Astros and Arizona Diamondbacks, the San Diego Padres are located in what was the most asinine place for major league baseball: the American Southwest (or Mexico del Norte). San Diego is blessed though with no heat and humidity on the coasts of the great Pacific ocean (and on the tsunami advisory zone). The Padres, alike the former L.A.-San Diego Chargers' super bowl flop and the former S.D.-L.A. Clippers court jesters, they are a part of the "San Diego Sports Curse" to keep the city without a championship title.


The Padres were a minor league team of the Pacific Coast League from like 1930 to 1968, man. San Diegans were envious that the Los Angelenos had a good team, the Dodgers and the San Franciscans had a somewhat good team the Giants. Forget the American league, they wanted to face off these two teams to get back on San Diego's terrible feeling they get in pro sports. In 1969, the MLB granted them a team and another to play with in Montreal Canada (now the Republique du Quebec), since San Diego counted as "Mexico". San Diegan native and half Mexican Ted Williams was the first coach.

In 1973-74, the city went apeshit to keep the Padres from not moving to L.A. or Riverside, and San Jose or Sacramento. Because the back-then winners Oakland A's and California Angels of Disneyland in the O.C. are the home teams for them people, the Padres thought of hitchhiking to Washington D.C. the city known to lost two previous Washington Senators and Seattle Pilots teams (I made the last one up).

But McDonald's CEO and slave master Ray A. Kroc bought the Padres and complained they are "the worst baseball team he ever seen" and he vowed not only to keep them in San Diego, the Padres were beefed up with cow hormones and for the next decade, Kroc died before he seen them reach the 1984 world series (but were eaten by the Detroit Tigers). What's really good about it is in the National League championship series, the Padres beat the Cubs (LOLZ)...and Kroc originally wanted to purchase the Chicago Cubs from the Wrigley scum company. Oh well, the Washington DC market received the stinking Expos moving in 2005.

But for the next decade, the Padres slumped to become once more the laughing stock of the sport, as if America's past time was not worth seeing in San Diego. The McDonald's company heiress and widow (eyebrows lift), Mrs. Ray Kroc acquire the team and wanted to make more money by employing a "famous chicken McNugget" mascot, the stadium eatery add raw fish for yuppies able to pay $40 a ticket for the nosebleed seat...and hire Tony Gwynn for sheckels a year. By 1995, the Padres was for sale and some guy bought them as a sore-loser team he (or she, wink) want to turn around the same way "Ronald Krok McDonald" had.

But in 1996, the Padres won the NL West division title and when San Diegans hoped to enter the NLCS against the dreaded Dodgers, the two teams were swept in the first round divisional playoff (damn realignment, but the two wouldn't meet in a postseason pre-1995). Don't fret, the Padres won it again in 1998 and this time beat the crap out of the Astros, then the storied Atlanta Braves and fell apart in their second world series against the (OK, get out your toilet paper)...New York Yankees whom defeated them quite naturally.

Petco Park[edit]

Petco Park is the current home field for the San Diego Padres. It has become a field that is unliked by hitters, due to its extremely deep outfield. Its not exactly known yet how far the fence is from home plate, but it is believed to be somewhere around 2 KM's. A team of surveyors was sent with a measuring tape a little over six months ago to find out how far it is. So far there has been no answer, but we pray for their safe return soon.

No animal was harmed in the construction of the facility. Unfortunately, 10 workers all Mexican had died in tragic falls to their deaths.

The change to Padres[edit]

With time and battle the San Diego Priests became fewer and fewer. It became clear that the team would need to start finding new players. San Diego being so close to the mexican boarder meant quite a number of mexican priests (known down there as Padres) tried out for the team. It wasn't long before the team consisted of more Padres then Priests and the team name was changed to what it is today.

Colorado Rockies[edit]

Sometime after october 2007 the Pads were set to fight the Colorado Rockies for the NL Wild Card. John Cena played with the Rockies because they offered him a virgin from the team which he accepted. 13th inning the game was tied at 8-8 and Cena hits a sac fly. Martha Holliday comes in to score from third and wins the game. However, he did not touch homeplate and therefore the game( in the eyes of the padres) has not ended. To this day the Friars are still on the field waiting for the Rockies to continue their 30+ day game that is still going.

Famous Padres players[edit]

  • Gary Sheffield, Still an outfielder who thought he could play third base when he played for the Padres. Is still considered the biggest prick to play for the Padres.
  • Fred McGriff, Had the nickname Crimedog. This is because the Padres hid him after he was wanted for killing a dog
  • Tony Gwynn, In 1992 he became the first player to fail to hit his own weight and still win the batting title.
  • Trevor Hoffman, Son of Dustin Hoffman, has been with the club so long that its believed that if he retires there will be no more Padres. He is the best Player of all time and Best Pitcher!
  • Ken Caminiti, The Padres traded for him in 1995. At least thats what they told people. Instead, they built a steroid fueled robot and put it in his uniform in the hope he would win them a championship, it almost worked.
    The Ken Caminiti-bot almost brought the Padres there first world series win
  • Brian Giles, He played for the Pirates, then the Pirates traded him to the Padres. Giles was the team butler until they realized he could hit better then most of the team.
  • Scott Baio, Managed the team from 1996 to 2003 after he was run out of town by Milwaukee Brewers fans
  • Ricky Henderson, Winner of the "Why wont you just retire and Die already" award. Henderson has currently been playing for 24 years.
  • Woody Williams, Its a little known fact that Woody Wood Pecker's last name is Williams
  • Mike Piazza, A made man from New York who has been sent to the west coast to help the family set up business
  • Gaylord Perry(What isn't everyone gay),.......yeah, I dont think I need to make this anymore funny
  • Dave Winfield,The butterfingers candy bar got its name from his fielding
  • Randy Jones
  • John Cena, He lead them to every single one of the padres World Series Wins.
  • The San Diego Chicken, arguably the best player in Padres history.

George Clooney is a better athelete while drunk.

Ever heard The Vandals song "Dispropanate head"? Guess who they wrote it about. Thats right, Gaylord Perry. His giant melon was a major factor in his baseball career. When pitching, it would put off opposing batters as the would be more concerned with his head then the pitch coming in. While Perry enjoyed much success in his career, he was never able to find a hat that could fit his scone. At one point he was heard to ask how he would go taping a tarp to his head. In 2412, Perry ended his career, siting age as the reason.... That and his never ending search for a hat that fit him. Good luck Gaylord.

2010 season[edit]

The Padres wanted to repeat the "Miracle of 2005" when they entered the postseason with a 82-80 record (no joke, look it up). They lost 3 important games to the SF Giants to not only lose the wild card spot, but the NL West division title to the winning team. OH NO, the Padres tried so hard, they lose it all in the end. ;-(