New York Mets

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Mets fans enjoying a night at Citi Field.

“The New York Mets are the last refuge of the unimaginative.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the New York Mets

The "Los Nuevo York Mets", are inarguably one of the worst team in Baseball. With a total record of 5-999,999,999 they have lost to every baseball team, except the Chicago Cubs in the history of Baseball, their only 5 victories. This is a team for bad players.

They have won two championships, which is extraordinary, considering there have been about OVER 9000. In 1969, they won their first, though experts still don't know just how the fuck they pulled that off. They won convincingly in 1986 but promptly drank and partied their way out of a possible dynasty, prompting many Mets fans to shoot themselves to death. Thus far in 2006, the Mets have been not very successful, enjoying a minor division lead and regular attendance by Bronx criminals. Sadly, their team jet crashed in the last week of the season, destroying the hopes and dreams of millions of disillusioned fans. Just as somehow, the Atlanta Braves will once again end up in first place, despite the fact that they are effectively wiped out of the division/corps/army of one. They reside at Shea Stadium, well-renowned for its surrounding view of old World's Fair pavilions, Chinese/Korean car repair shops, and old burger kings (all closed). Shea is also a hotspot for avid jetwatchers/jewtatchers.

The Mets, barely, crushed the Dodgers in the first round of the playoffs and were heavily favored to defeat the St. Louis Cardinals in the NLCS, but the Mets were unable to hit such Cardinal pitchers as Jeff Weaver, Jeff Suppan, Jeff Foxworthy, and even Jeffrey Maier. What about Jeffrey Dahmer? Still, they made it to the ninth inning of Game 7 when Yadier Molina, who hit 1.000 during the regular season with 2962 home runs, homered off Aaron HeilFUCkman. In the bottom of the ninth inning, the Mets loaded the bases when Carlos Beltran earned every bit of his $5 contract by striking out looking to end the Mets' season. (An investigation was immediately launched as to how a baseball closer actually used a curveball.)

This last pitch that struck out Beltran looking was also heavily debated by the FOX Sports Broadcasting Company. Due to their massive political, economic, and military influences over Major League Baseball, FOX challenged the Mets loss immeaditly, and MLB Commishiner Bud Selig decided to put it to a vote.

Joe Buck and Tim McCarver (both with enormous ties to the St. Louis Carindals and hard-ons for Tony "DUI" LaRussa) voted in favor of the Mets. The Cardinals were given three votes because they actually had won the game. Fox Owner Rupert Murdock and Fox Broadcaster Jeanne Zelasko were to be the two deciding votes that would have been the tying and the tie-breaking votes in favor the Mets; thus giving the Mets the pennant. Neither one of the two voted as Zelasko was too busy giving Murdock sexual favors, which Zelasko gives Murdock hourly in exchange for her broadcasting position on FOX.

When asked why she did not vote at "The Daily Press Conerence of the Soulless in Outer Hell", Zelasko, (who knows absolutely nothing about sports and is the true face of evil with her plastic surgery riddled face, 3 augmented breasts, and high pitched voice that shattered most all of the windows in downtown St. Louis when she was using the Public Address system of Busch Stadium during Game 5 of the 2006 World Series) was quoted as saying "mmuhmwatwdhtmmm" as she still had Murdock's penis in her mouth when she answered the question.

Mets fans were particularly upset about the vote as they had been personally promised a pennant by GOD. This was seen when FOX showed countless pictures of Mets fans parying in the bottom of the ninth of Game 7. GOD, who re-neged on the deal in the 11th hour as GOD realized that he too had a soul and thus chose to never again endourse anything that ever comes out of New York City and/or Texas, the 2 gateways to Hell in the current Earth overworld.

In 2007 the Mets lost the world series against the GOD and won the world!

After this historic act of getting killed by GOD, the Mets fans ran wild on the 10,532 train, only to get money and kisses from all the equally gay, snobbish and homo Yankees fans, whom were blissfully unaware that their team was about to hit the gods a few days later. The frenzy descended into a pillowfight with a lot of cursing, as most of the fans were suave, mature, and intelligent - so much so that they elegantly wore their diapers under their tuxes.

They then proceeded to lose the World Series to GOD again in 2008.

The great cursing wonders (a.k.a New Yorkers) always out to much confidence in their teams. Either the richfag snobbish Yankees. Or the poorfag snobby Mets.


Jose Lima, being muzzled shortly before gametime.

Their players include:

...and Dwight Gooden.

See also