Milwaukee Brewers

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"Brewers" (Athletics) Hall of Famer Rollie Fingers. Notice the goofy mustache?

“Yeah they suck, but they suck with beer”

~ Oscar Wilde on the Milwaukee Brewers

“DUDE! I was expecting quality beer. The Brewers show no quality when it comes to beer, much less in actual baseball skills, man.”

~ CC Sabathia

“This team sucked, until they paid me $105 million to play for them till 2020. Now they're my byatch. I hope they won't find out about my roids”

~ Ryan Braun

The Milwaukee Brewers are an NBA team. They play in Milwaukee,WI the beer and blaze orange capital of the Midwest. They were most recently led by Ken Macha, an evil worshiper of Pikmin that will try to destroy us all!!! However, they are now led by some old gasbag from the Anaheim Angels bench. Their fans are known for time traveling back to 1982 to relive the only year that they didn't suck. They became the Milwaukee Brewers after corrupt demi-god Bud Selig kidnapped the team from Japan with the help of Wedge Antilles, Mr T, Jack Bauer, Rainbow Brite and Samuel L. Jackson. (Jackson was there simply because the others didn't swear enough). Of course, Selig being a Dark Lord of the Sith, kept all of them under the belief they were helping a third world country. This act is said to be Japan's reason to bomb Pearl Harbour....That and Ben Affleck's bad acting.

Later Selig managed to over throw the commissioner of baseball and install himself in his place. From what is known, this act of taking control of the baseball galaxy was where George Lucas came up with the story for Revenge of the Sith.

The Brewers way[edit]

Because Selig has never wanted to spend any money on this club, the Brewers have adopted a system of keeping the club running without having to spend a cent.

  • Step 1) Have a good player on the roster
  • Step 2) It doesn't matter how you do, just as long as you beat the Pirates and any other team in the NL (Besides the Phillies).
The Famous Tap out from JJ Hardy that lost him and brother Matt Hardy the Tag Team Title

Good Players that have played for the brewers (and never got paid)[edit]

  • Gary Sheffield, an outfielder who thought he could play third base and first runner up of the biggest prick in baseball award.
  • Geoff Jenkins, hardest working redneck in baseball. Not to be confused with Leeroy Jenkins or Brett Favre, although Favre and Jenkins were Separated at birth.
  • Robin Yount, He is actually Bernie the Brewer.
  • Paul Konerko Decided he'd rather put up with the stink of Chicago than play with the Detroit Lions of Major League Baseball
  • J.J. Hardy, Jeff Jr. (J.J) is a former world wrestling tag team champ with his brother Matt Hardy Does J.J. make YOU hardy?
  • Prince Fielder, Son of the-fielder-formally-known-as-prince. Don't get in his way at meal time, or he'll eat you like a Grue. No really, he did it in the Minors. Just look how fat he is, you don't want to be in his slimy and disgusting gut now do you?
  • Teddy Higuera, Teddy isn't his nickname, in the 80's, the brewers were so short on pitching, they put a teddy bear into pitch
  • Scott "PO" Podsednik, Winner of the Im too Sexy for this club award and nephew of Edgar Allen Poe
  • Jose Hernandez, Perfect example of a lazy Mexican. Sat out the last 8 games of 2002 because was quote "oh man Im so tired man"
  • Mark Loretta, Currently was involved in the million year Yankees/Red Sox war. Our thoughts go out to his family.
  • Kobe Bryant, After the Brewers failed to give Kobe $2 million and a chimpanzee, Kobe decided to give up baseball and singed with the Los Angeles Lakers.
  • David Krynzel, Fell off a motor bike and lost his arm. When management asked him about it, he replied "No it's not, it's just a flesh wound"
  • Najeh Davenport, The Green Bay Packer took a dump in his college girlfriend's hamper...right in her dormroom.
  • Dave Neilsen, One of very few to actually get paid by Selig. This was due to him being a devout follower of the Sith. He then took his money back to his native Australia and created his own Selig by buying and destroying the Australian Baseball League.
  • Craig Counsell, Wait he's still a Brewer? Who knew? And he's not that good anyway so it really doesn't matter.
  • Tyler Houston, The imaginary friend of Jose Hernandez. Hernandez came up with him during a seista after watching Fight Club while missing the last 8 games of 2002 season
  • Hideo Nomo, Japan's other revenge on Selig. While pitching for the Brewers, Nomo flew 8 kamakazi missions......(too far?)
  • Paul Molitor, Went in the Hall of Fame as a Brewer but really wants nothing to do with the team since he currently works for the Twins and lives Minnesota.
  • Damian Miller - actually Fred Phelps in disguise. Shh!
  • Manny Ramirez-was traded to Boston after he tried to sell Selig's grill on ebay....was never a Brewer, whoever wrote this page is a GENIUS!!
  • JaMarcus Russell, Was about to sign a suprisingly huge contract with the Brewers, but he drank all their beer one night and a vision of playing in the NFL instead, first stealing all of Selig's Purple Drank. Since then, Russell has led the Oakland Raiders to 16 Super Bowl victories with 8 MVP awards to boot.
  • Ryan "The Hebrew Hammer" Braun - A Jewish super hero playing for Brew Crew. Not to be confused with Jesus because Jesus himself couldn't get this loser a World Series ring.
  • Richie Sexson-Once a home run Superman for the Brew Crew. Traded to Arizona for 10 other players and was immediately stabbed by a kryptonite blade by Lex Luther and was never the same.
  • Trevor Hoffman- A famous San Diego priest who came to Milwaukee to end the Brew Crew's bullpen suckiness with pray. Got his 600th save and Brewer fans think they are special now and for some reason relevent in Major League Baseball.
  • C.C Sabathia- Currently the highest paid pitcher in baseball(thanks to the Yankees) received $0 from the Brewers.
  • Ben Sheets- The ACE who hasn't gotten paid because of his injuries. However, Aflac was able to cover his bills. Traded to the Oakland B's.
  • Bob Uecker- Not only the namesake of a popular card game, Uecker was a star catcher for the Brewers, hitting 1,387 home runs in his career. However, MLB Comissioner Faye Vincent banned Uecker's name from the record books because "He damn well knows what he did."

The Fonz and the Brewers[edit]

Popular former Manager, Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

During the last seventies, Darth Selig hired Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli as manager of the Brewers. Very soon Selig regretted this decision. The Fonz straight away earned the respect of the players. Fairly soon the team started to actually win games. This of course conflicted with Step five of the Brewers way. As the team started to win the fans became happy.

Soon the Fonz was considered one of the best managers in baseball. He would win every argument with umpires and opposing coaches simply by saying "aaaaaiiii". Also the Fonz became popular with the female brewers fans which in turn made the male Brewers fans happy that the female fans were at the game. Selig knew that he had to act fast. The Brewers way was in danger. He quickly fired Fonzarelli and replaced him with Fonzarelli's bench coach, Scott Baio.

This started the years of Charles in charge and the Brewers fans were pissed again, keeping the Brewers way alive to this day. Despite many offer from other clubs, the Fonz never managed another big league club. Instead he left the game happy and with half of Paul Molitors 1982 crop. They got very high.

Hope for players who haven't been paid yet[edit]

Carlos Lee All Star Hitter and Nutorious Cow rustler

Selig sold the club as a way to throw off the Jedi council, who were getting wise to his plans of domination. It was sold to a Mafia gang warlord by the name of Mark guy named Mark. One of Mark's first orders of business was to keep career leg breaker Doug Melvin as general manager (This is the part where in an idiot Brewers fan shows up to make retarded claims about their club being good) as well as getting in Cow rustler Carlos Lee to play on the side. But Melvin was forced to trade Lee after he and Lee's agent couldn't agree on a contract extension. Lee's agent was after a small country. Melvin was offering a pack of gum.

Mark being a made man has promised the people of Milwaukee that the money he and the family take from them will go back into the team at some point. What point that is, is still unclear. Two players did come forward looking for back pay, but since they did, Nick Neugbouer has not been seen. When Mark and Doug Melvin are asked Nick's whereabouts they only ever say "he said he had to go shopping for some cement shoes". The other player to ask for pay, Mike Jones, has since become the most injury prone player in baseball. The once talented pitcher has managed to break his arm, leg and fingers a total of 998 times in the last two years. All the injuries he said happened when "he fell down some stairs". But still Mark's promise is hoped to be fulfilled in the future.