Detroit Lions

The Detroit Lions are a Peewee football team somehow playing in the National Football League.

Early Years

William Clay Ford, Sr., who was banned from running Ford Motor Company because he was too stupid, is the owner of the team. His family on a snowy Christmas day gave him a football team, which has become possibly the saddest franchise in all of sports. The Lions are one of the historically bad football teams in the NFL. There are some pretty bad teams out there, like the Los Angeles Clippers, the Minnesota Wild (what the hell kind of name is that anyway?), the Pittsburgh Pirates, any Cleveland team and any team in the WNBA, but NOBODY matches the Lions in sucking. This is all the fault of someone whose name, as best we can work out, is Fire Millen. He seems to be a local hero because they chant his name with sheer reverence and fans come dressed in orange and black stripes, Millen's favorite colors. He was the inspiration for the Cincinnati Bengals original mascot, before they switched their mascot to a criminal during the 2005 season. If it wasn't for the fact that other NFL teams wanted an easy win, the Detroit Lions would have folded long ago.

For some strange, perverted reason, a long-standing tradition is for the Lions to play a televised game on Thanksgiving Day. Many a Thanksgiving day celebrant has gotten too drunk to drive home after playing "Kick the Kitties", a Thanksgiving Day drinking game in which everyone present must throw back a shot of hard liquor every time the Lions' opponent scores a touchdown.

Not-So-Fearless Leader

Fire Millen, the president and CEO of the Lions, is one of the more popular figures in Detroit, just after Kwame's Navigator and Jennifer Granholm's mole. After going 24–70 over six seasons (see Reign of Terror) the ever omnipotent and wise William Clay Ford decided to give him a 5 year contract extension. Such shrewd managing is probably why Ford is getting owned by any one of those Mitsuzaka or Sakatoshi or whatever company is outselling Ford this week. Sadly, a cloud of controversy has descended on Millen. On November 17, 2006, the State of Michigan sued Millen for discriminating against people whose last name doesn't start with an 'M'. They cite that every coach (Martz, Morhinwheg, Mariucci, Marinelli) has an M name and that he isn't giving people with other names a chance. The case went to court in March 2007. Millen chose a wide receiver from Alabama to be his defense attorney, and therefore, lost the case. He paid the state of Michigan $5.36 and some used string (his entire earnings with the Lions organization).

In the Beginning...

On the eighth day, God created football. He created a team of tough men, led by a great quarterback and legendary coach to win the Super Bowl and get Sports Illustrated special editions written about them every other year. This team was the Silly Nannies. They were renamed the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1933. He then made another team, a cupcake team for everybody to run up stats against so fantasy football leagues could be a little more interesting. This team was the Lions. To this day, each team has done its damnedest to fulfill its God-given role.

The inaugural season

Originally, Detroit's team was located in Southern Ohio (on the Kentucky border) and known as the Tampa Bay Nazis. No one knows why. So they changed their name after one season to "Portsmouth Spartans". The city of Portsmouth kicked them out for being so bad, so they moved to Detroit since the city had no standards anyway. When they still were no good they changed it again to "Buck Futters" and then "Troited Loins". Somebody noticed that this name could be rearranged to spell "Detroit Lions". Their original helmet was completely silver with a shiny gray facemask. This was found to be too fancy and they scaled back to just a facemask and no helmet. Eventually, the number of deaths forced them to wear helmets again. They also thought they should have a logo on it, but no one knew what it should be. After several years, it was suggested that they have a lion. The idea was rejected out of hand, and to this day their logo is a Rorschach inkblot.

1927 to 2005

The Lions' combined record through all 78 seasons was 2–934–1 (and both the wins were against the Brooklyn Dodgers). They were very good at losing the game.

2006 season

The Lions began the season with optimism. Guess how long that lasted? Correct.

2007 season

In 2007, the Lions started with a 6–2 record. There is still no reason as to why this happened but it is suspected that the New England Patriots installed cameras for the organization. Their coach, Rod Dickstein, and coordinator, Jo "I LUV ME SOME NAKED WENDY'S" Barry, were declared Gods and all other religions were forbidden in the Detroit area.

This success was short lived, as team's stopped drinking the Gatorade supplied in the locker rooms. After multiple tests, it was shown that the Gatorade was spiked with hairspray, diesel fuel, and the delicious orange taste of Tang. The NFL quickly put an end to that, as the Lions "had a reputation to maintain".

The Lions would lose six straight games after that, and the NFL was pleased, putting the entire team up for auction on eBay with a starting bid of $1. There are zero bids at the moment.

2008 season: Perfection!

0-16. When they say that everyone's a winner, they meant everyone that played the Lions. Even my dead grandma couldn't lose to them. This is said to be the year that they finally fufilled God's request of being the rest of the NFL's bitch. The team that went 16-0 without cheating laughed at them for doing so. They finished 33rd in the 32 team league.

2009 season

Miracle of all miracles, the Lions finally managed to win two games against the Washington Foreskins and the Cleveland Steamers, thanks to Matthew Stafford. However, we are talking about the Washington Foreskins and the Cleveland Steamers, two teams that may, believe it or not, suck more than the Lions. It has been predicted by football experts that the referees let the Lions win these games out of sympathy. When Matthew Stafford started to gain the support of their fans, God struck him down with a shoulder injury.

New Mascot and Name Change in 2010 for the Lions?

Rumor has it that the Lions are considering dumping the franchise's long standing "Lions" as their official mascot and name. Apparently team management wants to name the team after something that actually exists in Detroit. The last lion was seen running off to Toledo for greener pastures when the Belle Isle Zoo was abandoned a few years back. It seems that the fence mayor Kwame paid one of his friends millions of dollars to build around the ill fated zoo didn't keep any animals in.

2011 season

The Lions somehow went 4-0 in the preseason, which is what they did in 2008 before they finished 0-16. Not only that, but they won against the New England Patriots. Yes, I'm not lying, they actually won against the Patriots in the preseason. How is this possible? Because the Lions decided they'd take a shit on "that team that went 16-0 without cheating whatsoever", just to show everyone that the Patriots suck ass. Seriously, if you're one of the best teams in the NFL, and you get wrecked by the worst team in the NFL, then you're in for one hell of a season. Surprisingly, they didn't lose their first legit season game, however, it was against an equally shitty team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The following week they played the only team worse than the Bucs which was the Kansas City Chiefs. The game went really well for Kansas City, because their purpose going into that game was to give Detroit fans hope... just so it can be crushed once again. And let me tell you, nothing gives your fans hope like crushing the opposing team 48-3 even if the other team is the equivalent of a piece of shit. Then, Minnesota got on the bandwagon and decided it would be funny to do the same thing. They asserted their dominance in the first half and outscored the lions 20-0. But then their coach (and part-time cross dresser) Leslie Frazier reminded them of the true game plan. The Lions subsequently came back and won it in over time with a field goal, the final score being 26-23. Believing the whole time that they themselves came back but rather the Vikings just stopped giving a shit. Donovan McNabb was quoted after the game saying: "Fuck it." If this keeps happening the Detroit Lions will believe they are an actual football team and the outcome can only result in a devastating realization. A realization that they in fact still suck humongous balls.

2012-13: "In like a lion, out like a Lion"

God, too busy planing for the end of the world in 2012, forgot to monitor the Lions in the 2011 season. He then trolled the Lions by putting them under the Madden Curse for 2012. God's calculations were slightly wrong, and Calvin Johnson Jr. had a great season. But the Lions still went 4-12. In 2013, the Lions did their yearly trolling of their fans, finishing at 7-9.

The Lions replaced their coach that year with Jim Caldwell, better known by his stage name, Kwame Kilpatrick.

Trivia

• The Lions made #1 on Forbes 2008 list of sports teams that best reflect the city they represent.
• The Lions are the only team in NFL history to score a double bogey in a game of football.
• In a league where a team can finish 1–15 one year and win the Super Bowl the next, the Lions are a refreshing beacon of stability on the NFL landscape. A beacon of failure.
• In 1985, the Lions became the only team to finish a game with negative points; they lost a game to the Chicago Bears 105 to –π (negative pi). This occurred when the quarterback threw the ball at Bears coach Mike Ditka's head. That's what happens when you mess with Ditka.
• It is a scientific fact that the Lions only ever play well enough to get their fans' hopes up. Once this happens, they continue their tradition of suckiness.
• They like big butts and they cannot lie. In a press release from the team, other brothers could not deny the aforementioned statement.
• The Detroit Lions were voted the lamest sports franchise of the 21st century by Time. They were runner-up for lamest fans, number 1 going to the the New York Yankees fans. Yeah. They suck.
• In 2004, the New England Patriots beat the Lions in a game by the score of 7,000,105 to 0. Tom Brady threw for 1,000,000 touchdowns, while Peter Griffin scored the other 15 touchdowns.
• Dan Orlovsky became the first blind quarterback to play in an NFL game when he played against the Minnesota Vikings during the 2008 season. As a result, he stepped behind his own endzone during a play. Scholars call this the funniest safety in football history.
• Since 1931, the Lions have sacrificed twenty virgins before each game. Needless to say, it hasn't worked. Come to think of it, it didn't work for the Mayans either.
• You can spot Jon Kitna quite frequently at the corner of 7 Mile Road and Woodward, working as a prostitute.
• Has it been mentioned that the Detroit Lions suck? Because that sort of matters.
• The Lions have a player on their team named Calvin Johnson, nicknamed Megatron. Unfortunately, the Autobots are on every team they face. Also, Megan Fox takes off her top. You like that, don't you?
• The Lions are the only team to be voted as "Assholes" of the decade by their own fans. All five of them.
• After a brief football stint, the 2009 first pick of the lions Matthew Stafford retired and went on to become a curling legend.
• According to the History Channel Show "Life after People", the Lions will finally have a winning season 105,000 years after man.
• In the 2010 season opener, Lions Backup QB Shit Hill threw a touchdown pass to "Megatron", which would have won the Lions the game. However, the referee decided that the Lions have a reputation to maintain, and called the pass incomplete.
• Despite the common belief that when you end up dead last you can only get better Many sport analysts predict that Detroit will end up in 100th spot this year.
• Matthew Stafford was actually a former member of the French National Futbol team and this exemplifies why he is so good at "flopping" and getting fake injuries.
• On Jan 1, 2012 at the Lions vs Packers game the referees realized that the Lions have a shot to get a good playoff seed and made damn sure this would not happen so that they could continue to post on the internet about how bad the lions are. This included calling a tackle a fumble so green bay could get the ball, taking away a green bay fumble to the lions and taking away a touch down from the Lions, forcing them to have to settle for a field goal. They would also go on to lose by 4 points. The referees were spotted later that night doing lines of cocaine with Matt Flynn off of strippers' boobs.

See also

• Matt Millen