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Kylie Lambert.
Part of the military's intergalatic golfing program.

Golf (guys only, ladies forbidden) is a form of medieval satanic torture. It also gives you burns on your face when you take over half an hour trying to get a ball inside a hole. It involves a thin iron club and small puckered balls. The hidden message can be found in the name of the 'sport' itself. Typical backwards satanic writing reveals the name to be FLOG ... speaking volumes.

It is well known as being the only activity in which you can wear a watch whilst playing and you can have goofy pants and a fat ass. Golf is also the most boring activity to watch on television. It is in no way a sport.


Players of golf are known as golfists or fat wankers and study of the game is known as golfology. Players use Golf raquets to whack a dimply billiard ball down the golf court. There are many types of golf courts in the world. It's a well documented fact that jews are forbidden from playing or acting like golfists. Contrary to popular belief Golfists do not use a country club to play the game. Country club are infact an 80's pop band fronted by Boy George.

Golf course architecture and design

It's not another picture of a girl. Sorry.

While no two courses are alike, many can be classified into one of the following broad categories:

  • Links courses: the most traditional type of Golf course, of which some centuries-old examples have survived in the British isles. Located in coastal areas, on sandy soil, often amid dunes, with few artificial water hazards and few if any trees. Traditional links courses, such as The Old Course at St. Andrews or Machrihanish, are built on "land reclaimed from the sea," land that was once underwater. Linksland is sometimes said to "link" the beach to the arable land; however, the more likely etymology is from the Middle English for "hill." It was historically suitable primarily for grazing sheep. It is named after Nintendo playboy Link.
This landscape has wide acceptance among English golfers.
  • Marios courses: the type of course that appears in those pointless Mario Golf games. they actually lay claim to the person they were based on, unlike the one above. Marios courses also contain a group of lesser-known courses named after people everyone (including You) hates, such as Bowsers, Kirbys, Captainfalcons, MrGameAndWatchs, and finally JustinBiebers
  • Parkland courses: typical inland courses, often resembling traditional British parks, with lawn-like fairways and many trees.
  • Heathland – a more open, less-manicured inland course often featuring gorse and heather and typically less wooded than “parkland” courses. Examples include Woodhall Spa in England and Gleneagles in Scotland.
  • Desert courses: a rather recent invention, popular in Australia, parts of the USA and in the Middle East. Desert courses require heavy irrigation for maintenance of the turf, leading to concerns about the ecological consequences of excessive water consumption. A desert course also violates the widely accepted principle of golf course architecture that an aesthetically pleasing course should require minimal alteration of the existing landscape. Nevertheless, many players enjoy the unique experience of playing golf in the desert.
  • Browns courses: Akin to sand courses (see below), but much more involved in terms of using layers of tar and gravel below the sandy surface layer, to give firmness and support and ensure a consistent bounce/roll. Common in arid parts of the Indian Subcontinent. The world's highest course of any type is a 9-hole browns course in Leh, Ladakh (J&K), maintained by the Indian Army. It is at 11,600 feet. Being beyond the Great Himalaya in an extension of the arid Tibetan Plateau, the region lies in a rain shadow, which would make a greens course impossible to water. Mixed courses that have both brown and green holes are called 'browns-greens' courses; e.g., the green and the central fairway may be grass, but the tee and rough would be brown.
  • Sand courses: instead of a heavily irrigated 'green', the players play on sand; holes are less 'involved' than browns courses (see above), and are for the casual golfer.
Part of the joy of golfing is getting close to nature.
  • Snow courses: another rather recent invention; golf being played on snow, typically with an orange colored or another brightly colored ball. Can be played in Arctic or subarctic regions during winter.
  • Par 3 courses: The course consists entirely of holes that you make in the backyard. These are considered a good test of the driver precision and not putting, as the putter is rarely used. Par 3 may also be used to term an easy waitress who requires only three lame attempts to get up her skirt.
  • Executive courses: A course which generally is smaller than the typical 18-hole course, designed to cater to the fast-paced, executive lifestyle. So that a rapid pace of play may be maintained all players are provided with Tasers. Sound systems cleverly concealed along the course play applause tracks each time a ball is struck.
  • Mini-Golf courses: the courses with that cutesy little windmill that absolutely MUST be included. These generally give you the same sized balls, the same sized holes, but not the same sized clubs. All the clubs here are shorter and made for tapping the balls into the holes instead of smashing them in.

In the United States design varies widely, with courses such as the entirely artificial Shadow Creek in Las Vegas, where a course complete with waterfalls was created in the desert, and on the other end of the spectrum, Rustic Canyon outside of Los Angeles, which was created with a minimal amount of earth moving resulting in an affordable daily green fee and a more natural experience.

The History of Golf

It is well known that Lieutenant Jovial Jops of "Sensible Software” invented Golf accidentally when they were reworking “Cannon Fodder 3” for the X-Box 360. PC Magazine “Currant Bun” gave the invention of Golf a whopping 2/10 for skill. Jops was known to swing a baseball bat at his computer when he got stuck. His staff members created a thinner baseball bat which bent and formed what is now known as the golf club. Disgruntled 500 owners can't wait for "Golf 2" in which baseball bats will replace the old clubs. Some golf courses are known for gay sex in the middle of the green. Its usually when two guys find each other and engage in the act of anal sex and usually finishes with one guy saying "whos your daddy". Or until somebody bleeds or is given another hole for which another man can screw in.

Another rumour surounding the origins of golf is that in the 15th century when gay people were widely unaccepted they need to create a place where they could put balls in holes and not be burned at the stake, they would tell there wifes they were going to play a game of golf. 1 day a rich mans wife followed her husband and realised he was attending an all male orgy. The man therefore invented the real game and said he slipped and that is how he ended up in the predicament, golf today is played by gays worldwide. Golf means Gentemen Only Ladies Forbidden.

The reason that a golf ball has so many little holes on it is very simple. The holes make sure that when the golf ball flies through the air, the space/time vortex is not disrupted and the world will not explode. However, some people believe that this is just an excuse made by the Arabian merchants to sell more crack. This is still a theory, and Adam Sandler is currently working on a new cure for golf-related stupidity worldwide.

Tournament play

Tournaments are held on polar ice caps, the Arctic Ocean and specific sectors of the continent of Antarctica are reasonable locations. There are no golf balls used in these tournaments. Instead, golfers must seek out baby seals to club.

  • PGA Tour Golfers must club as many seals as possible and design a fashion line from their clubbings. The winner is the one that gets the most Friends of the Earth protesters outside their house.
  • Ryder Cup Players must ride around on seals to club other seals, including ones ridden by other players. Winner is the one with the most clubbed seals.
  • Masters Various countries have Master's tournaments. The object of these tournaments is to club the baby seal into the ocean in as few shots as possible, and then masturbate on them, thus the name.
  • Recently Bereaved Players Cup The likes of Tiger Woods, Darren Clarke, and Chris DiMarco club seals while weeping to compete for the coveted Urn.
  • Waziristan Full-Contact Cup The only tournament in which golfers compete by putting their clubs to their best use. Hosted in Waziristan because Cup promoters had trouble finding local regulators who weren't "big pussies" elsewhere. Rapidly gaining popularity not just because people like watching top-end golfers bleed, but also because the large number of fatalities per Cup may mean that eventually this awful, stupid, boring sport will eventually go the way of the awful, stupid, boring Dodo. Then we can watch real sports on sports channels again. We can only pray.

Golf Science

Although often overlooked, there is much scientific research being done in order to improve everyone's game. Usually companies will change something about their clubs every year hoping to find the secret to lower golf scores. But somehow the new innovations don't change the mediocrity of everyone's game. Most golfers feel that white golf balls are superior to colored ones. There were some attempts by some golfball manufacturers to sell BLACK Balls to inhabitants of the GUlf of Mexico, but players found that the balls disappeared into the fossil fuel laden waters. It has also been proven that golfers sponsered by Nike tend to hit the ball further. This is credited to the swoosh logo which improves the aerodynamics of clubs, balls, and clothes.

Golf Terminology

I need my Ball back.
  • Albatross — Hitting an albatross with one's ball.
  • Albatoss — Hitting Jessica Alba with one's ball (or, hopefully, balls).
  • Albert Ross — If your opponent is named Albert Ross, you get to steal his golf balls.
  • Birdie — Hitting a bird out of the sky with one's ball.
  • Bogey — Hitting a Humphrey Bogart lookalike with one's ball.
  • Chip Shot — Hitting a shot while eating chips.
  • Double Bogey — Same as above, but with two Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall lookalikes.
  • Eagle — Many people believe that this refers to hitting an eagle with one's ball. This is incorrect. It actually refers to the use of a ridiculously oversized Israeli firearm as a putter.
  • Doih — Attempting to hit one's ball with the wrong end of the club.
  • Pedophile: when a kid gets too close to a golfer.
  • Double Pedophile: when two kids get too close to a golfer, or when a kid gets too close to two golfers.
  • Golf Golf — A form of golf in which the players use small Volkswagen hatchbacks to travel from hole to hole. Called Rabbit Golf in the United States until 1984.
  • Golf War — Stuck in the biggest sandpit ever invented, more like Crazy Golf as Scuds land all around.
  • Double Golf War — when the dimwitted son of the architect of the original Golf War does it again, to prove he's not a "wimp" like his Dad.
  • Mulligan — Uttered when playing with a guy whose last name is Mulligan. When he hits you with the ball (or when baby seal guts hit you in the face), you can yell "Mulligan!", and are permitted to punch him in the face five times. This is shown in the 1996 Adam Sandler film "Happy Mulligan" when the title character gets beat up by Bob Barker.
  • Par — A method of giving a handicap to inexperienced players. Any players in the group less experienced than the rest get to get a free score improval if they can par -- that is, rapping backward. The better the parring is, the better the score starts out.
  • Shagbag — See Princess Michael of Kent.
  • Snowman — The act of hitting an innocent snowman with a baby seal. This is usually a sure sign that you should quit. Later, all the golfers playing will mourn around the snowman, saluting with a volley of large missiles into the air with their oversized Israeli putters. If while firing a missile a baby seal is hit and killed, the player responsible for the missile will be hanged on the spot.


Another form of golf is minigolf, a sport for generally lame or short people. In this type of golf, you hit golf balls at other peoples houses and windmills. The goal of this game is to get as many golf balls as possible lost in either the myriad of bushes, the strangly colored ponds, or the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow(if you hit the leprechaun, you get $5). The pot of gold is called "The Endless Vortex" or "The Last Hole" by employees, but they're all idiots. We know it's a leprechaun. The setting of minigolf course has been in many science-fiction novels, and is deeply intertwined in conspiracy theories. Many believe that mini golf is a form of communication with satan. Golfists maintain this is not true. However, many secrative ceremonies are held mid - round in the bushes by golfists. Is this Satanic worship, or simple homosexual tendancies?

Let's be racist to little people!


From the makers of golf and minigolf, comes: Tinygolf. This new form of golf is fun! Its so fun, you need to be Tiny Kong to play it!

See also

The Knights Templars held the first golf tournament in 1524.