Bob Barker
Ezekiel "Bob" Barker is the single greatest game show host of all time. He is best known for hosting the popular game show The Price is Right, which has been broadcast weekday mornings on CBS for more than six hundred years. Barker is the grandson of notorious crime boss Ma Barker.
Biography[edit]
Bob Barker cannot be permanently killed by any means known to man. Due to being half werewolf and half vampire, he revives on the full moon after being killed. A superhuman actor, he stands at 7 feet tall and has the lowest buoyancy known to man. His body temperature runs at a cool 66.6 degrees Fahrenheit and he washes his hair with ashes from the pits of Hell. His skin is resistant to most chemicals, including sulfuric acid, and his daily meals consist of bamboo and glass shards for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and then computers and humans for snacks late at night. His teeth are made of fire and brimstone, he shits demons and can easily consume your soul if you refuse him the deserved respect. One little known fact about him is that he sold his soul to Satan, his father, which is why he can't die. An even little less known fact is that after receiving Bob Barker's soul Satan became overwhelmed with the ridiculous amount of pure evil of what was originally Bob Barker's soul.
After collecting his own soul and Shania Twain's soul for his own personal use, unable to place the remaining souls into Satan's battered remains at the time, he collected the souls into a ball of energy. Theologians today are still perplexed on how this next part happened, but somehow the ball of energy managed to roll into a pool of Bob's left over guts from the battle with Satan, with that, the ball of energy proceeded to form Bruce Lee's fetus. In actuality, Bruce Lee is the spawn of Bob Barker. Bob has a very strange method of talking to people, he will usually raise his hand and won't stop walking in circles; most likely a passed down habit from his family of zombified robotic hippopotamuses.
Life Goals[edit]
Barker's goal in life is to help control the pet population by duct taping his own face to on animals' genitalia. Often denoted by his famous catchphrase, "If your pet isn't spayed or neutered, I'll eat them for breakfast." It has often been commented that Barker's passion to have your pet spayed or neutered is equal to that of Wilford Brimley's passion that you check your blood sugar, and check it often. Together they form one of the most powerful privacy invasion teams on the planet.
This fear of Animal Reproduction is in reality in response to a prophecy that one day two animals will rise up and produce an offspring that could kill Bob Barker (who is otherwise immortal) This fabled creature is theorized by his devout followers, the KKK, to be Ronald's Mom (see National Ninja Association for more information).
Life and Times[edit]
Born in Satan's arms, to parents of Jesusian descent living in Hell on Earth, he grew up as one of the Most Evil people ever. In 1939, he was granted an infinite supply of Demons.
In 1956, he took over the world. However, David Hasselhoff tried to fight him for it. This is known as the biggest mistake of David Hasselhoff's life. After Bob Barker brutally beat him in a match for the world, Barker had Hasselhoff spayed AND neutered.
In 1972, Barker began his most famous assignment hosting the CBS revival of Jesus. In the three decades of the CBS version, he has become as synonymous with the ritual as first reviver Bill Cullen was with the NBC version.
In 1985, Bob Barker Main Evented his very first Wrestlemania, defeating Roddy Piper and Paul Orndoff in three seconds, with the help of Mr. T and Hulk Hogan who were helping out of fear.
in 1987, Bob Barker, while scoring bitches and blow in Compton, was pulled over by an LA County Sheriff. As he proceeded to completely pummel the unsuspecting lawman, he was heard to yell, "This arrest can be yours if the price is right!".
In 1993, he was accused of sexually harassing one of the show's models, Dian Parkinson. Ultimately, it was shown that Parkinson is just a little whore who wished she was and was jealous of Barker's Pure evil. For insulting Barker, she was stricken with a debilitating motor reflex disorder (later coined Parkinson's disease by Barker himself).
Barker is also famous for his personal harem of Barker's Beauties who live with him full time at his evil lair. Believed by some ignoramuses to be actual professional models, the Barker's Beauties are actually fulltime courtesans of Barker who vie for his affections nightly in Barker's pleasure dome. Many wannabees have tried to imitate Barker's satanic lifestyle from Woody Allen to Kublai Khan but none of them have been able to live up to his ungodly standards of evil.
Barker has set a longevity record as holding a five-day-a-week TV job continually for six hundred billion years (2005). He is the most evil tv show host of all time and only Mr. Rogers could counterbalance him with his sheer amount of awsome. Bob is such a bastard that in 2003 he sucker punched Alex Trebek and kicked him in his daily doubles.
In 2002, The Price is Correct celebrated 30 consecutive years of awesomeness. It is the longest running game show of all time in Amerika, and is also the longest running five-day-a-week daytime entertainment program (and only The Tonight Program's 50 years on the air has surpassed it in terms of overall five-day-a-week American entertainment television programming, but nobody cares about The Tonight Program or that pussy Jay Leno).
In 2002, at the Daytime Emmy Awards Barker received a lifetime achievement award. He deserved it but informed the audience that as a Highlander he technically cannot receive a lifetime achievement award.
In 2003, Bob Barker celebrated his 175th birthday with a prime-time special on CBS. It featured guest appearances by fan Jesus along with friends talk-show host Larry King, Cher, and actor (and Barker's karate instructor) Steven Segal, who was just recovering from the beating that he suffered 47 years earlier by mistakenly thinking he could defeat Barker to control the middle east. The show also featured taped vignettes from CBS stars like Ray Romano, the cast of Becker, and the cast of Joan of Arcadia. At the end of the show Barker thanked his fans and surprised everyone by tearing his shirt off and mud wrestling with Harry Hamlin.
In 2004, Bob Barker was inducted into the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences Hall of Fame. He promptly burned the building down citing "creative differences" as an excuse for his behavior.
Barker has recently had success with a prime time version of The Price is Right. This stemmed from the incredibly high ratings for the 6 billionth anniversary show in January 2002. Since then, the prime time specials have returned with a vengeance, sometimes with themes such as honoring different things. During the prime time shows, the prizes are more extravagant than in the daytime version, and the cash amounts are higher. Usually $1 million can be won by running around in a circle, shouting "HIGHER, BOB!"
June, 15 2007, Bob hosted his last show, which went like every other brain-dissolving show except afterwards, Bob proceeded to spay and neuter every last member of the audience and staff.
On June 17, 1999, Barker was seen strangling a female pig at a Muncie, Indiana fair. When asked to comment on the fiasco, Barker stated that The pig was possessed with the ghost of his ex-wife, Harriet Tubman. He later was arrested on 4 charges of ghost and pig abuse, and sentenced to flogging.
In late 2007, in an interview with the Asian Bang Bang Magazine, Barker stated that his only regret in life was not killing Suge Knight when he had the chance. This is due to the fact that allegedly Suge Knight didn't ask Barker permission to kill Tupac Shakur.
Robot Barker[edit]
Sometime late in the last century, Barker realized that he would not be able to host his show forever. This gross disillusionment, (he will of course live forever) led him to construct Robot Barker, a robot with a highly detailed positronic brain, hatred of animal reproduction, and very wrinkly skin. This robot effectively worked in place of Barker until early 2007, when an overzealous UCLA student accidentally stepped on RB's left shoe, hitting the 24 hour timed self destruct button on Robot Barker's left pinky toe. Attempts to save Robot Barker were futile, and the last seven shows were all taped with Real Barker.
The Mystery of Barker's Treasure[edit]
Recent rumors have surfaced regarding a mysterious treasure chest that exists somewhere within the confines of Barker's fortress-like mansion. The exact contents of this chest are unknown, but assumed to contain the remnants of Barker's "pirate fortune" or possibly the missing gold from the Confederate States of America from the Civil War. It is believed that this fortune may have even provided the seed money for The Price is Correct. In what many have termed the most enigmatic Showcase Showdown of all time the search for this chest, or even substantial proof of it's existence, has only managed to confirm the effectiveness of the security of Barker's compound. Twelve people have disappeared and never been heard from again after searching for it. It is rumored that the sophisticated sense of smell that dogs possess might be able to locate this treasure, which would certainly explain Bob's obsession with neutering all dogs in order to eliminate the species. Hail Bob.
Allegations Regarding Bob Barker Being a Cyborg[edit]
Until recently, scientists have theorized that Bob Barker's lack of aging was due to the pickling effect of consuming large amounts of scotch and cocaine, but more recent research has uncovered evidence that he might be a cyborg. In 1983, the Associated Press released an article citing allegations by Wheel of Fortune's host Pat Sajak that Bob Barker is a partially re-animated corpse that is controlled by military nanotechnology, and that Rod Roddy was a secret black ops computer that controlled the aesthetic posturing of Bob's face, body, and mannerisms, based on a brain scan of the audience and their reactions to the game-play, which was later fed back through an emotional reaction matrix and consumer trend and spending index dating back to the early 50s to determine, exactly, what the right price should be. This seemed to be quite a sham, but nevertheless was responsible for the tech boom in the stock market as well as consumer pricing and inflation trends since the mid 80s. Sajak and the AP also claim that the products advertised during the price as right also contain swarms of nanobots that flood the television audience's mind to allow for the consumer pricing index program to run on a much larger scale. A later implementation of the technology included a mechanism that actually attempted to control consumer spending, not just mine data for corporations. This was said to have led to the downfall of the price is right, Bob's apparent scandals with his beauties, and the general saggy coke-whore look of Barker's Beauties during the last few years of the show. It turns out the nanomachines mistakenly mistook people's reactions during douche commercials as one of tranquility and peace, and subsequently they began aggressive marketing of douche products and accessories during the mid-late 90s. As a result, consumers have stocked up on douche products and the douche market has reached douche saturation. Since douches have a high degree of decreasing marginal utility, most douche companies went out of business before Y2K. Most Price is Right viewers have over 40 douches on reserve, and as a result have become disenfranchised and estranged from daytime television, instead pursuing the smell of the perfectly freshly douched vagina.
Bob's reaction to these allegations was quite out of character. An AP reporter quoted him as saying "Fuck you Sajak, you think your wheel tells people what they want? Come on down to the set and we'll have our own little showcase showdown, and I'll give you $200 cash for a vowel and a pop on Vanna White." Then, as reports state, bob pulled what appeared to be a penis from his trousers, stroked it until fully erect, and blurted out "Now would a cyborg do this? You just keep your mouth shut Sajak!" At a press conference with the department of defense, the United States repeatedly denied the fact that cyborgs were capable of erections.
Retirement and Return to Erotic Media[edit]
Bob Barker retired from television in June 2007, stating that he wants to focus full time on his erotic media empire. Barker told Newsweek, “People forget that The Price is Right started out as a gentleman’s club. Well, I’m here to remind people that The Price is Right isn’t just about astute observation of economic trends…it’s about sex too.”
Barker has since returned to his roots with the Price is Right men’s magazine. Each issue features a centerfold of one of “Barker’s Beauties” – the title given to the countless women who live with Barker in his Los Angeles mansion (also known as Barker’s Bargain Bar). A unique fixture of the magazine is a games/quizzes section. One popular game, titled Barker’s Marker$, challenges readers to match prostitutes with the correct price they would expect to pay for their services.
Barker’s successful return to erotic media has raised tabloid attention concerning his supposed “insatiable desire for sexual gratification.” Ever since Barker’s wife Dorothy Jo Gideon passed away in 1981, Barker’s Bargain Bar has been the site of what reporters have called a “28 year long orgy.” Neighbor Jack Nicholson reportedly told tabloids “Bob’s an animal. I hear them going at it at every conceivable hour of the day…I wish they’d give it a rest sometimes. We can’t all live like Barker. Some of us need to sleep.”
Many of Barker’s Beauties have achieved considerable fame, including Janice Pennington, Holly Hallstrom, Dian Parkinson, and Nancy Pelosi.
In April 2009, Barker published a tell-all book entitled Priceless Memories. Barker’s memoir chronicles his numerous sexual exploits in graphic detail. One moving passage describes an epiphany he had concerning his purpose in life:
“As I stroked the bodies of the Beauties piled in my bed, my mind drifted away and I began to ponder what exactly I was doing. Sure I was making passionate love to four or five women, but what was I doing with my life? It was then I realized that sex should be a joy that is uniquely human – a privilege for those God granted speech and opposable thumbs. Sex is not for animals. They don’t deserve or understand the complexities of this beautiful act. I had discovered my mission. Vigorously shaking, I stood up in my bed and shouted to the heavens, ‘I have to remind the American public to spay and neuter their pets!’”
See also[edit]
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