Wilford Brimley

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The last known photo taken of Wilford before his mysterious disappearance.

Wilford "Diabeetus" Brimley (September 27, 1934 – August 1, 2020) was a well-known Quaker Oats entrepreneur, owner of Liberty Medical, actor, Last Boss of the Internet, mustache aficionado, and the greatest (and oldest) man to ever walk the earth. As Magic Johnson once announced he would be the "spokesman for the virus", Wilford was the press agent for the Diabeetus.

Wilford was immortalized in literature, both ghost-writing L. Ron Hubbard's nonfiction classic Diabetics and being the inspiration for Ayn Rand's fiction character John Galt.

Early days[edit]

Wilford's father, Jebediah Brimley, established a strong work ethic in Wilford at an early age by following him around with a whip and brutally beating him to a poopy mess every time he sat down. Because of this strict disciplinary method, young Wilford learned to walk within 3 minutes of exiting his mother's womb. Wilford worked around his father's Château tirelessly until 1815, when Jebediah Brimley passed away tragically from a hemorrhoids attack brought on from continuously whipping Wilford. After the funeral, Wilford ran away from home.

Wilford Brimley was an evil genius who worked in his basement inventing diabeetus; but he tripped and fell on it and infected himself.

Soon after his escape, Wilford had an encounter with an infected 'Beetus Bird, a carrier of what is now known to be an advanced form of Diabetes, which was a pigeon standing around 12 inches and weighing around 365 pounds due to its swollen testicles. The 'Beetus Bird transferred the disease known as The 'Beetus directly into Wilford's face. (This also is noted as one of the first 'Beetus Bird encounters recorded in the United States as the disease originated in the Northern England countryside.) Wilford is one of the few original survivors of The 'Beetus. Directly after his encounter, the disease started to spread like feces in an ape sanctuary, mostly in part to a diseased doctor who helped to treat Brimley and first 'Beetus victim, Oscar Wilde of Northern England. The doctor diagnosed him with Type 2 Adult Onset Diabeetus, which he said was from eating too much ice cream and apple pie. With his eyes opened to the threat that the disease presented, Wilford's only choice was to start Liberty Medical, an organization which helps people with The 'Beetus and its more common form, Diabetes. Ever since he's been a member of Liberty, he checks his blood sugar and he checks it often. He wants you to know that Liberty is the thing when it comes to testing supplies and it can help ya live a better life.

Wilford eats ice cream and apple pie[edit]

After wandering around aimlessly for some time around the harsh, forbidding deserts of Philadelphia, subsisting on ice cream and eventually the entrails of Donovan, Wilford passed out face down in the desert sand, his energy depleted from dealing with ice cream and apple pie. He was discovered by a band of politicians led by William Penn and Ronald Reagan. When he came to, he told them about what had just happened, and how the ice cream and apple pie had saved him. The politicians marveled at his tale of woe and want. Together, they decided that ice cream and apple pie needed to be brought to the masses in a friendly format everyone would go for. Thus, ice cream and apple pie were born. He is famous for the saying "If you don't give me ice cream and apple pie, then I'm going to fuck you up!" after screaming at his grand kids, who refused to eat the Beetus-infected ice cream and apple pie.

Acting career[edit]

Brimley had a diehard fan in Winston Churchill, who he played in the biopic "Whites Of Their Eyes"

After Quaker Oats found wild success within billions of homes, and many children found the frightening image of Wilford embedded in their nightmares for many years to come, Wilford decided he would ride this popularity, this wave of oats, so to speak, all the way to the box office with his first feature-length film, "Cocoon." It was horrible, and it caused angry mobs to force Wilford into a life of secrecy and hermitage. He would return to his acting career to film the Alfred Hitchcock masterpiece, the made for TV movie "The Battle For Endor: The Ewok Adventure." However, this was not well received by fans of Hitchcock's previous films, "Norbit", and "American Pie: Band Camp," and thus Wilford would resume a life of isolation, popping up only once since into the public eye, in the adult home video (elderly fetish) series "Video Professor," as guest Professor Dick Stiffwood. He eventually found something remotely like acting success for many years when he began to host his own game show, entitled Guess What's In Wilford Brimley's Pockets! Following the smash success of the game show, Wilford turned his attention to his daily battles with the diabeetus, and then he hosted the forgettable "Diabeetus Testing Supply Hour," which was paid for by Liberty Medical. It only lasted one episode; after using his Oatmeal cure for the 'Beetus, he murdered his guest star, Jay Cutler, also one who suffers from the dreaded 'beetus. Actually, Cutler mocked Wilford's pronunciation of the disease, so Wilford savagely beat him, thus making Denver Bronco fans happy the world over. However, Wilford is above the law, so this didn't impact him in anyway.


Wilford Brimley in happier times. Look at the sheer size of his teeth. Enlarged teeth in a human is a sign of extreme happiness.

Wilford loves his mustache like his own son; he would comb it and pet it 50 times every night before going to bed. He spent many years in front of a mirror stroking his mustache and telling it how they would never leave each other. Wilford's mustache is as tough as a steel brush, and as such he does not clean dishes; when he gobbles food from plates his mustache scrapes up the mess. For only $1 a day, metal polish was delivered straight to his door and he rubbed his mustache with it each day to give it its sharp and grizzly look. The only woman that got close to Wilford is still in the hospital. He tried to drink a soda once but it exploded into his face after being punctured by his mustache.

In a review with Bill o'Reilly on the American talk show Dancing With the Stars, Wilford explained that he had to get the chemical composition of his mustache copyrighted because the now-underwater East Korea was developing anti-tank armor using his mustache hair as the main ingredient. Further investigations proved this to be true, as Wilford had previously been on a trip to the country to attend 'StacheCon. Officials believe that one of the estimated sixty thousand sexually aroused high school girls that attended was in fact a spy for the East Korean government, as a wig, two issues of a magazine titled "Trannies Monthly" and a bra stuffed with solidified chicken fat were found clogging a nearby restroom.

Unfortunately for Wilford, this unseemly growth on nasal regions of his face led to his #1 problem: diabetes (or "diabeetus," as it would be known to him), years after recovering from The 'Beetus, the advanced form of the disease. His mustache was in fact the cause of this killer. When poor Wilford would bend down to his trough every night to inhale the amount of food necessary to sustain his ample girth, chunks of food, along with a few of his many pet cats, would become trapped in this formidable assemblage of (apparently) human hair. These objects would later make tasty morsels for Wilford, and eventually this odd diet contributed to his infection with a mutated disease: Type 83 Adult Onset Diabeetus. However, his earlier bout with The 'Beetus helped his body withstand the rigors of the disease, which explains why he is still alive to fight diabetes in all of its forms today.

Brimley also began experimenting with a radical diabetic maintenance program, which forsakes insulin in favor of what he calls "oat therapy." While oat therapy is surprisingly effective, it renders Brimley violently homicidal for 3 minutes a day, and might be partly responsible for Brimley's 1980 murder of Belgian writer Alan Alda. It can treat all forms of Diabetes, including The 'Beetus.

At a very low point in his career Wilford tried to sell mustache rides. However, due to the sheer mastodonic size of his 'stache, a single ride was known to sell for 237 USD. Shortly after beginning this venture it flopped due to lack of a customer base. It was rumored that many women (and men) violently fought the urge to buy a "ride" under the impression that Brimley's "lip ferret" would infect them with the beetus.

Relations with Dick Richards[edit]

Wilford went bankrupt after a failed lawsuit against Honey Bunches of Oats cereal for their unlicensed use of Quaker Oats ingredients. In a desperate attempt to make money, Wilford met a 29 year old pimp by the name of Dick Richards. Wilford was employed as a full time hooker. As he recalls, "I wasn't afraid to die. I will never die. I'm Wilford Brimley. But what I was afraid of, was that I might have to live a long time feelin' like a prostitute, and I really wasn't interested in that!" However, Brimley had no choice. So without any other options, Wilford turned tricks on the corner of 53rd and 3rd street with Dee Dee Ramone. The two formed a good working relationship (evenly splitting shifts, jobs, etc.), however, Wilford formed an even stronger relationship with Dick Richards. Even after Brimley began rollin' in the billions selling cocaine to Liberty Medical clients, the two shared a strong friendship and partnership. Wilford remembers, "I was gettin' up every 15 or 20 minutes all through the night to think about my best friend and partner, Dick Richards." They often secretly met in magical fields at midnight to dance with the mystic "Fucking gypsies" and the enchanted "Repreductive Trolls" and the "Cheap n' Horny fairies". They were forced to keep their new-found love a secret.

Wilford Brimley's Safari Spectactular[edit]

In the mid 1990's, Wilford and a filming crew hired by the Discovery Channel set off to shoot his new hit TV show "Wilford Brimley's Safari Spectactular" (later changed to "The Mustache Expedition"). The show was set up to film the discovery of every Dr. Seuss animal known to humankind. Because of the limited number of Seuss books, the Discovery Channel began airing episodes dedicated to finding E.G. Daily animals. However, E.G. Daily is an obvious rip-off of Dr. Seuss, and devoted fans were outraged. The studio started started to genetically alter the state of already-existing Dr. Seuss creatures (including the "Square Bellied Sneech" and the "Jizzy Jazzy Juzz"). Unfortunately, this idea also failed, and as a result, the Discovery Channel gave Brimley's crew a budget of $1.8 billion to resurrect Dr. Seuss. Soon after, the show's ratings went miraculously through the roof. Backstage, however, Brimley found it more and more difficult to hide his love for Dick Richards, who was secretly following along the safari tour unknown to any of the crew. As Wilford recalls, "The more dangerous it got, the faster I fuck, and the hornier I feel. There's a lion in us all. See if I'm not right!" And so they humped like sea otters for the next 4 seasons of the show. This, however, increased Brimley's stress level. His new way of coping became an addiction to cocaine. That explains why his moustache is so white. Richards was devastated in disbelief when discovered Wilford's bad habit. The show ultimately came to an end when Brimley received death threats from anonymous members of PETA that read: "It is our deepest pleasure to inform you that we know you are the long lost Lorax. If you continue hunting Dr. Seuss characters, we will hunt your ass." The threats were later traced and revealed to be sent by Al Gore and a team of supporters with plans to assassinate Brimley. PETA later filed a lawsuit against Wilford for claims of animal abuse and torture. In the final hearing, several photos of Wilford's alleged illegal walrus organ transplant were proven to be fake, Brimley was proven not guilty. However, after a series of violent protests (which spiraled into a riot that left 17 dead, 45 injured, and 192 vaporized by Wilford Brimley's mustache) outside the shows studio, producers decided to end the show with it's sixth season finale.

Wilford was the 1337th POTUS. He was such a good dictator his face was printed on a dollar bill affectionately called the Beetus Bill.

Musical career[edit]

Wilford Brimley pioneered the Old Wave Music phenomenon of the 1970's. His notable album, "The Right Thing to Do," was at the top of the rock and pop charts for 23 straight weeks. Even though many of his fans deserted him, Brimley continued to play music until 1991, when he died on stage in Vancouver, B.C. Brimley played bass on Van Halen's 1988 world tour while Michael Anthony recovered from a devastating groin injury. His custom-made Fender bass guitar was shaped and decorated in the fashion of a Quaker Oats package.

Wilford was also a prominent figure in the Black Metal scene of Norway. Everyone thinks that Burzum was a one-man band, but in fact, Varg Vikernes was actually Wilford Brimley in disguise. Wilford traveled forward in time and shot Vikernes before he could form Burzum; he then used Varg's skin as a disguise, so Varg Vikernes is innocent in the murder of that other guy.

Recent developments[edit]

Wilford Brimley depicted as a zombie promoting 'diabeetus' because he wants others to join his alleged zombie ranks. Its authenticity is an ongoing debate among Beetusologists.

While Brimley was visiting an American Antarctic research station in 1973, he gained the ability to perfectly imitate any animal or human he came into contact with. The crew of the station quickly began to distrust each other as they couldn't tell who was Brimley and who was not. One by one they were killed, either by Brimley or by each other.

Brimley was capable of quickly assuming the form of any creature he had ever devoured or absorbed within the limits of his mass. In addition, he may have been able to quickly recover from grave injuries and adapt his physiology to survive in a wide variety of atmospheric conditions.

In addition to those physical attributes, Brimley was also telepathic. He could read minds and also broadcast thoughts which manifested as nightmares to humans. He hypnotically lulled his prey into a helpless state so as to easily absorb it. However, this hypnotic ability apparently could not have been used on more than one person or animal at a time.

Officials secretly warned citizens to be prepared for a Devastating Brimley Outbreak if they failed to contain him to the Antarctic Continent through additives in oatmeal. Latest sightings from the region indicated that Brimley now has three red eyes, blue skin, a fanged mouth, four tentacle-like arms, and seven-tentacled hands. He may or may not be four feet tall, and covered in worm-like follicles in place of hair.