John R. Bolton

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The face of The Walrus can sometimes be seemingly benign.

“It was that facial hair. My instincts were right. Never hire someone who has it.”

~ Donald Trump

John Robert Bolton (born November 20, 1948) is an American politician who served as the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations from 2005 to 2006, and is probably the only UN Ambassador anyone will bother to remember. Appointed by President George W. Bush, Bolton's coming was foretold by Nostradamus as the "Dread Mustache of Terror Who Defies The Smurfs". He also has a legendary moustache.

Bolton later became President Donald Trump's Doctor Strangelove as National Security Advisor in 2018. He was sacked finally in 2019 for refusing to accept the Taliban as the USA's new military strategic partner.

The Seventh Mustache of Legend[edit]

“My philosophy is not a whisker-counting, accounting 'look at this.' It is a philosophy that bigger mustaches are better mustaches, and mustaches that are closer to the people are best of all.”

~ John Bolton on his philosophy

There is also a prophecy that the Islamic messianic figure, the Mahdi, shall be opposed by nine mustaches when he returns. It is generally agreed by scholars that John Bolton fits the description of the Seventh Mustache, "The Incongruously White Mustache". In addition, there are indications that his coming was mentioned in the Sixth Book of Moses as the "Baby with Two Horns".


Born November 20, 1948 in Baltimore, Maryland, Bolton grew up in a devoutly devil-worshipping home. There are several years of his life that are unaccounted for in the late 1970s, during which he joined the Freemasons and the Manson family. At adolescence the turdlike Bolton went through his metamorphosis and reemerged as the friendly neighborhood psycho. He was next sighted in 1983 when he emerged in Washington, D.C. to work for the law offices of Covington & Burling, where he became a practicing liar. From there he intrigued his way into the State and Justice Departments, which led to his infamy in 2005.

Main achievements[edit]

John Bolton letting off steam.

In 2005, Bolton was appointed United States Ambassador to the United Nations. He achieved his position through nepotism, as President Bush only chose him in order to meet John's famous brother, Michael Bolton.

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John Bolton doesn't get it, again

Mr. Bolton's main achievement as UN Ambassador was the somewhat less than honourable refusal to accept the International Criminal Court agreement, called Article 98 amendment, which would have made it possible to prosecute (even American) war criminals by the Court. Bolton's stand against International Law greatly boosted the U.S.'s popularity and credibility in the world and it was generally viewed as a position reflecting high moral standards. One citizen of the world was overheard by his torturers at Guantanamo Bay saying, "I surely admire the United States even more due to this decision."

It is written that Bolton once was alone for 18 minutes with Kofi Annan in a conference room. The details of what actually happened are unknown except this: Annan seemed unharmed afterwards, however he came out weighing 17 pounds lighter than when he went in, and he now weeps uncontrollably at the sight of staplers. Despite this, Annan refuses to discuss the incident. It's been speculated (and is generally believed to be true) that Kofi Annan suffered a nervous break-down due to illogical and inane ramblings of the naturally lobotomized Bolton.

Bolton becomes Trump's Right Hand Loon[edit]

John Bolton replaced H.R. McToaster as President Donald Trump's Military Advisor in March 2018. Bolton is also marketing Nuclear Bunkers, so get your orders in first. But then tensions grew between the Supreme Loon and Bolton. Donnie Thicko doesn't like wars when blackmail/extortion works better. Bolton tried to break up the relationship Trump had with North Korea's hereditary gangster Kim Jong-Un and then complained he was out of the loop on all important decisions. However there was no loop. Just Trump.

John Bolton fired first but Donald Trump controls the Twitter Machine. He sacked Bolton. Deed done 10th September 2019.


According to Trump this was the room Bolton spent most of his time in.

Post White House, John Bolton decided to write his memoirs. He figured he had gone as high as he would unless he ran for the presidency. The book contains enough dirt to bury a lot of people six feet under but Bolton held back publication till after Trump was cleared of being Agent Donaldski.

I Was in The Room with Tommy Wiseau[edit]

Bolton's long delayed book was finally published in June 2020 with the title as 'I Was in the Room When Everything Crazy Happened'. This was in the style of a 'kiss and tell' memoir, though it spared any of the graphic details. President Trump wanted to sue and bomb Bolton for writing it and wanted to know whose idea it had been to hire the 'walrus face' in the first place.

The book is not related to film The Room directed and starring Tommy Wiseau.

Facts about John Bolton[edit]

A job as the American Butler awaits Bolton in Downton Abbey.
  • John Bolton does not have a mustache, he just loves milk.
  • His name is a killing word.
  • He once uttered a logical sentence. Rude, but logical.
  • His mustache strikes fear into the hearts of the weak.
  • He can smuggle a 37 inch hoagie, or a 6 kiloton nuclear bomb within his jowls.
  • He is reported as once saying "I have decided to improve my image, by being more polite. So please shut up and listen, or I'll have you killed. (What?? I said please.)"
  • In his spare time as a soft-jazz/adult-contemporary musician, he has sold more than 75 million records.
  • Bolton also won People Magazine's Mustachiest man alive in 2004.

See also[edit]