Moustache-o-meter
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“How could you people forget the Borat moustache!”
“The bastard forgot the Zappa!”
The Moustache-o-meter is a ratings system utilising the virility and masculinity of the male upper-lip embellishment known as the moustache. It is not so much based on the amount of hair as the styling and emotional state associated with the bearer.
The Nietzsche
"The Nietzsche" was a style created in Naumburg where Nietzsche, in a vain effort to create the Superman, went around wearing his underpants on the outside of his trousers and running up and down the streets with his jacket buttoned around his neck. He could often be found in the only telephone box in the city struggling to get changed into his costume but was often interrupted by prostitutes stuffing contact cards into the booth with him.
The main criticism of "The Nietzsche" is that it looks like the wearer has been dining upon a squirrel.
"When you look into the barbers mirror, does not the barber's mirror look into you" ~ attributed to Nietzsche whilst he and Freud sat in an Opium den circa 1913 baked out of their skulls.
The Adolf/The Chaplin
A two sided coin is "The Adolf", also known as "The Chaplin". On one side it is a comic moustache, giving a warm feeling inside, much like sitting inside a disemboweled Tauntaun on a frozen ice world such as Hoth. The other side is the terror inherent in such a ridiculous facial adornment.
The Adolf was briefly popular in the early 20th Century along with such passing fads as mass murder and goose-stepping along with your other idiotic countrymen in a doomed attempt to take over the world.
Not many people realise that WWII was in fact begun after a series of letters that Joseph Stalin wrote to Hitler taunting him on his facial hair styling.
The Stalin
The Stalin is one of the forerunners of "The Selleck". In a bizarre evolutionary offshoot it appears that instead of creating an erotic sexual experience "The Stalin" in fact gave off the aura of a perverted mass murdering cock. It was rumored around Moscow that Stalin trimmed his pubic hair to look like Hitler's moustache and it was a regular occurrence for him to get out "Little Adolph" at dinners parties to the amusement of all around the table. His special dick-trick was drinking an entire pint of vodka through the end of his penis.
Stalin's "Little Adolph" trick gained notoriety and in 1941 Hitler finally decided enough was enough. He decided to ignore the non-aggression pact that he and Stalin had signed and instead launched an all out war with the Soviet leader. Throughout the war, amusing comic books were sold throughout the Allied powers depicting Adolph Hitler as a penis with a funny moustache. Today these collectors' items are worth more than ten minutes with Angelina Jolie and a two-stroke motorised dildo.
The Fu Manchu
"The Fu Manchu" can be counted on to give that feeling of dread associated with the abominable Dr. Fu Manchu. Fu (short for Fuckingenglishspeakersalwaysmanglemyname - Chi.Trad ) was an oriental crimelord famous in the 19th century for somewhat stupidly picking a fight with Oscar Wilde. Fu was turning out his opium den when he spotted Oscar climbing the wall hangings with pupils the size of dinner plates. He attempted to use chop-socky to remove Oscar but did not count on his target being a master of the Irish fighting style used by the Jedi. Oscar had served his time as a Paddywan and was more than capable of seeing the evil doctor off.
The evil Dr. left London's Limehouse district for the planet Mongo in a fit of pique where he enjoyed a brief respite before having his ass handed to him on a plater by an all-American football star and space adventurer, Flash Gordon, ably assisted by some stupid looking flying chicken men and an Errol Flynn look-alike.
The Lennon
This moustache exudes the feelings of peace and of love. This could have almost been the most amazing of all facial accoutrements were it not for the fact that the love was directed at Yoko Ono
Lennon was a great fan of Lord Kitchener and before he made the style his own it was referred to as the "Kitchener Jr." Lennon took to wearing bizarre military style outfits and his band mates also took on the mantle of ridiculousity. John Paul II began dressing as the supreme pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church and Ringo Starr became Captain Ringo Starr of the Imperial Space Legions.
Starr left Earth shortly after to seek fame, fortune and facial hair but after many years searching he returned to his home world to narrate a children’s' television show featuring gay anthropomorphic steam trains. For a short period in 1983 Yoko Bono was seen about town with a moustache but it was written off as derivative and she shortly stopped appearing in public much to the despair of glaziers everywhere.
The Hutz
This moustache should only be grown or applicated by Eastern European men. To embody 'hutz'ness, it must be brown and it must have a 45 degree curl at both ends. Many who have tried to grow this moustache claimed to have woken up swearing in multiple combinations of Eastern European languages.
Eugene Hutz said that this kind of moustache grows best when you pour vodka all over your body, set yourself on fire, and run in the general direction of up. "Up" can be found by determining the direction that is opposite the pull of gravity.
The Selleck
The most erotic facial hair in human history, it took nearly 300,000 years to create this moustache by the careful interbreeding of Italian women and Greek men. "The Selleck" first saw exposure in Hawaii 90215, essentially a glossy television advert for the new look. The bearer of "The Selleck", a man known as Tom has been vigorous in his pursuit of 'tache greatness. He has insured the whiskers to the tune of a cool million dollars ($4,000,000,000.000 in today's money adjusted for inflation and the increase in sexiness over this period).
"The Selleck" has been banned in several Islamist countries as too sexy for any man to possess, but this has not stopped its popularity with the women of these nations whose burqas allow them to conceal their lip-mounted face-fuzz from prying eyes.
Special care must be taken with this particular style - it can be extraordinarily dangerous for members of the public to see the moustache in all its glory. Several women have joined together in a class-action suit having all slipped off chairs after observing "The Selleck" unclad. They have indicated they will settle out of court for an undisclosed figure which is rumoured to be somewhere in the region of "A shag each, maybe some oral?"
Selleck wearers often conceal their facial hair behind special 'tache bras to reduce the dangers whilst in public.
The Poirot
This B****** style was initiated by amateur sleuth Hercule Poirot (see also, Nancy Drew). Young Poirot discovered this style when playing with his B****** waffles over a B****** chocolate sundae in B******. He smothered the waffles in the chocolate, twisted them around his fork, smacked them onto his face and, Voila! an instant classic. This particular moustache is believed by certified scientists to have mystical powers in solving crime, which is why Nancy Drew never bleaches her upper lip like most women (see The Mona Lisa section of this article).
The Merv Hughes
Big butch Merv Hughes, the Australian Prime Minister is a huge bear of a man and nowhere is this more obvious than when he is forcing himself onto (into) one of his junior ministers during a Parliamentary session. Merv legalised male prostitution within the halls of executive power and has enjoyed exercising his rights of bearhood to ream the opposing party something solid. It is important to know that Merv Hughes is the man, which is different than being a man's man.
Hot Hunk Merv Hughes's buttocks have been rated the most powerful in the world by the Guinness Book of Records and his cheeks have been measured delivering a force of 5000ft-N/per square acre. This alone merits the distinction raised by the United Nations Security Council, who have declared them Weapons of Ass Destruction.
The Mario
This moustache style was originally developed by plumbers, who found that it held up well while travelling through pipes and ramming one's head into bricks. Early Marios had a two-dimensional, pixelated appearance but in later derivatives of the style, the hair is combed into many small polygons, giving the wearer's 'stache a smooth appearance.
The Kitchener
Lord Herbert "Herb" Kitchener, LSD enthusiast and piss-poor commander of HM Forces was known as "Gentleman Badger" about town thanks to his fantastic face garnish. He was a particular fan of seabirds and often kept several albatross (pl. Albatri) within to pick out the remains of his meals. After being chinned by Kaiser Wilhelm in 1908 he was forced to eat through a straw and the albatri eventually died. In 1975 his body was disinterred from its burial ground at St.Paul's cathedral and the birds were made into a sculpture at St.Martin's College. This popular artistic work is called "Riding the 'Tache" and won the 1977 Turner Prize for God awful Art.
The Bronson
"The Charles Bronson" conjures forth an image of retribution and mumbling. Bronson started out as a comedian in 1946 but shortly after realising how drastically unfunny he was (see Pieclone), he moved to Texas to seek his fortune. As a nouveau-cowboy he was forced to grow his moustache to create a moody gunslinger look. Nearly 20 years later he moved to England and became a teacher at the formal comprehensive school, Grange Hill (see Jokes that people from other countries just won't get). Here he established a no-nonsense attitude that extended to P.E. classes where he would often beat his students to death in an effort to toughen them up.
The Brimley
The Brimley was developed by Wilford Brimley in the early. The origins of this 'stache are arguable. Some suggest that Brimley became inspired after reading Dr. Seuss' ecological parable "The Lorax". Others suggest that Brimley simply built upon works published by Einstein in 1905 in Annalen der Physik, including "Does the Inertia of a Moustache Depend Upon Its Energy Content?", "On the Electrodynamics of Moving Moustaches" and "On a Heuristic Viewpoint Concerning the Production and Transformation of Light as it Relates to Moustaches". These scholars suggest that Einstein was the real inventor of the Brimley (which should therefore be called "The Einstein"), and that Wilford did nothing more than apply Einstein's groundbreaking theories.
At any rate, this walrus-like moustache is characterized by superb bristle length (up to 4.5") and extraordinary density (achieving a peak density of up to 1000 bristles per square inch). The structure of the Brimley allows it to soak up an entire bowl of Quaker Oats in mere seconds, which can then be consumed by the wearer, at leisure, throughout the day. The Brimley's wearer projects an aura that could be described as stern paternalism, or perhaps the demeanor of a wombat whipped into a fury by a particularly itchy scrotum.
John Bolton, former United States ambassador to the United Nations, also wore a Brimley. In 2006, during a visit to Washington's National Zoo, this led to an awkward encounter with a 2500 pound, very horny male walrus. The details are best left undescribed, but it led Bolton to spend two weeks in intensive care. To add insult to injury, the walrus never called.
The Dali-stache
"Erotic, Exotic and a Little Psychotic" says Salvador Dali, and well he should as during his lifetime he has engendered all three of these aspects with his finely tuned moustache, which was rigid enough to pick locks and pick up VHF television signals.
First used in 1928 for the storage of cocktail olives, Dali worked his way up to donuts in 1936 and it was only the outbreak of war which prevented him from achieving his dream of impaling small animals on the outstretched "forks" emanating from his upper lip. Snidely Whiplash has been accused by Dali of stealing his 'stache, to which Whiplash replied, "Of course I stole it. I'm a villain, I'm supposed to steal stuff".
The Deakin
This is a term used to describe the rare occasion of a gentleman who has no beard whatsoever. It is named after British Prime Minister Alex Deakin who was famously the only gentleman in the British Isles not to have a beard for three months in 1994.
The Eggman
This is the coolest, awesomest and most fear-inducing moustache of them all. It is very rarely reported to be seen, because most people witnessing such a masterpiece of a moustache mysteriously tend to end up dead. One of the rare photos of this moustache can be seen to the right. As you can see, the quality isn't very good, since it was taken right as the photographer met his dreadful demise.
In 1998, the Eggman's moniker was changed from its previous title, the Robotnik, to its current one. This was the result of an intense "working lunch" at Sonic Team's headquarters, in which the executives munched Ritz crackers with caviar while puffing expensive Nigerian tobacco from glossy mahogany pipes, congratulated one another on their large yachts, showed off their Dreamcasts(c), and discussed ways to make Mario look stupid.
Also known to contain pingas.
The Mona Lisa
One of the few moustaches that work on a female, the Mona Lisa look is just amazing for anybody. It just small enough to intrigue, but big enough to quench your moustache thirst. Recommend it to your Mother, Sister, or Girlfriend.
However, take note that some men who see this moustache instantly turn gay. So watch out.
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