Angelina Jolie

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Angelina Jolie, finding that her collection of children lacks a Latino, opens negotiations with Ecuador's Ministry of Foreign Affairs, 22 April 2012
Smug, and for good reason.

ANGELINA JOLIE is an alleged actress from Beverly Hills, a professional mother of six, a Princess Diana humanitarian wannabe and ambassador for the United Nations "Human Rights" Commission of State Supporters of Terrorism, who is best known for her much-publicised relationships (hetero and homo), occasionally for appearing in major films and adopting so many children that she has to take family photos with the Hubble Space Telescope. Although most of the films Jolie has appeared in have been notable box office failures, she has been touted as a top Hollywood actress since getting a Best Supporting Actress Oscar and two Golden Globes for she playing herself. Jolie bared all at age 17 in her first big screen role, and in several films thereafter, but now prefers to just hang out the occasional leg at major red carpet events.

Jolie rose to notice when she appeared as a model in Gia, which won her her first acting award for playing herself. Her next important film was Girl, Interrupted, in which she earned more major awards for playing herself. She achieved international fame in the video-game-turned-movie as the action seeking, pneumatic archaeologist Lara Croft in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Jolie was accused of dumbing down Lara and talking in an atrociously fake English accent about the lost Sumerian civilisation that had made this video game so popular. After Lara, Jolie appeared in a number of middling to crap films before Jolie landed on her talons and snagged Jennifer Aniston's husband while filming Mr & Mrs Smith. The film's success and Jolie's decision to dump her husband for someone else's made tabloid headlines, as did her subsequent hobby of collecting children.

It was around this time that Jolie ceased her always-tenuous connection to the real world and has since been lost in a self-generated haze of iron fisted publicity. Jolie's most recent bid for global fame was her 2013 boob job. In an attempt to keep her media-crowned halo from tarnishing, Jolie claimed she had her old boobs hacked off and replaced by the latest double-d models solely for purposes of continued good health, and not because she wanted, at age 39, to retain her partner's interest in her Golden Globes, nor to upstage him on the red carpet at the premiere at his latest movie, which will probably make more than most of Jolie's boring flops combined.

Jolie's most famous and lucrative films to date have been Kung Fu Panda (2008) and Kung Fu Panda 2 (2011), in neither of which she appeared. In a recent attempt to garner another Golden Globe -- for her "acting" -- Jolie reprised her original strategy and played herself in Maleficient (2014).

Most recently, Jolie was the subject of a number of emails between Sony Pictures co-chairman (or chairperson) Amy Pascal (Groundhog Day, A League of Their Own, The DaVinci Code, the Spiderman franchise, the James Bond films Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, and Skyfall) and producer Scott Rudin, the first producer to earn an Academy Award, a Tony Award, an Emmy and a Grammy. In those emails, Rudin and Pascal described Jolie with startling accuracy as "a minimally talented spoiled brat" who is "a camp event and a celebrity and that’s all and the last thing anybody needs is to make a giant bomb with her."

Early Years[edit]

A candid photograph of Jolie taken by her brother.

Angelina Jolie Voight was born in Beverly Hills, California, on 4th June 1975. She is the daughter of actor Jon Voight by his marriage to a Beverly Hills housewife named Marsha Lynn, an alleged actress whom nobody remembers seeing in anything. During Angie's formative years, Marsha insisted she was French and part Iroquois and an actress, too, despite her husband's remark at one time that Marsha was "not seriously Iroquois." Voight could also have added that his wife wasn't an actress, either, serious or otherwise. He didn't, and Marsha's attitudes contributed to Angie's grasp of reality, which, at best, has never been strong. For example, Angie once excoriated the press for "pretending" Marsha was French, when, Ange said, Marsha was part Iroquois. (In fact, Ange's only Native ancestor was a Huron woman who died in the 17th century -- and it was Marsha, not the press, who had been adamant about her Froginess.)

Angie's early life saw her father Voight abandon his family for the freedom to become a romantic film lead and fool around with actresses. Her mother was so furious that she couldn't stand the sight of little Angie, whom she dumped with Daddy, who left Angie's care in the hands of capable Beverly Hills nannies. After a year or so, Marcia returned to Beverly Hills, retrieved her daughter and her son, Angie's older brother, James Haven Voight, and proceeded to make a home for her children. In later years, Angie recalled how poor they seemed, in stark contrast to their neighbours, to her mother's fellow alums of Beverly Hills High, and to Angie's own acquaintances, such as they were. Indeed, Angie once wrote a fairy tale for a school project, of a poor family in Beverly Hills, which she modeled on her own. "Once upon a time," Angie's story began, "there was a poor family who lived in Beverly Hills. The mommy was poor, the little girl was poor, the baby brother was poor, their nanny was poor, the housekeeper was poor, and their cook and their Japanese gardener and there pool man was poor." As a result of Voight kids' poverty, Jolie became close to older brother Jimbo, even to the point of dressing like him.

Angie credited her mum, not her famous dad, with involving her in acting, although it was Dad who handed her her first acting role when she was seven. Mum worked to keep the family together, and permitted 14-year-old Angie to drop out of school and move her boyfriend into her bedroom. Angie remained close to her older brother Jimbo, and though their closeness aroused suggestions that the siblings shared more than clothes, there is no truth to the rumour that Angie engaged in any ménage à trois, and she has repeatedly denied that Jimbo was ever anything but a big brother to his l'il sis, even after Jimbo became a zombie.

Film Career[edit]

Ten years after her first appearance in one of her father's films, Angie appeared in Cyborg 2, at age 17, playing a non-human machine which could mimic human emotions such as fear, pain, love, and hate. In other words, she played herself. Cyborg 2 -- which featured Angie's first nude scene, even though it was only her second film outing -- proved a direct-to-video piece of shit, and Angie's next film achieved the same level of crap. Her third screen outing proved the charm: Hackers may have been another piece of shit -- one which was turned down by Katherine Heigl, Heather Graham, Hilary Swank, and Liv Tyler -- but it was the piece of shit where 21-year-old Angie Voight met then married her co-star, English actor Jonny Lee Miller. It is not true that she married Miller merely to develop an English accent for Lara Croft: Tomb Raider; that came six years later. In the intervening years, Angie starred in 13 films; ten lost huge amounts of money. The three which actually showed a profit were The Bone Collector, starring Denzel Washington and Queen Latifah; Girl, Interrupted, with Whoopi Goldberg, Vanessa Redgrave, Jared Leto, Winona Ryder and Brittany Murphy; and Gone in 60 Seconds, with Nicolas Cage and Robert Duvall. Along the way, Angie was handed two Golden Globes and an Oscar for playing herself in Gia and Girl, Interrupted; in the latter, amazed audiences by keeping her clothes on.

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider was produced by, and starred, Angie's father and Angie in the titular role. Ange's perky tits and duck lips shared billing and were much commented on, as was her weird pseudo-British accent -- a foreshadowing of the even weirder accent she adopted for her role as Alex's mum in Oliver Stone's mega-flop Alexander, which starred Angie's then-boyfriend, Colin Farrell, as her son, along with Rosario Dawson's boobs and pubes and a horse with feathered booties.

Jolie had by now hooked up with the rough looking Billy Bob Thornton. Though she was still famous for her family connections, Jolie's career was still showing signs of going goth, goth slasher or playing a 'foreign looking woman who could be dangerous'. When Jolie tried to go for comedies or romantic movies, she was told 'you're no Jennifer Aniston. Jen is the woman Americans want to see having her lips wetted by Ross or Brad Pitt or....' and so on. Jolie was hurt. Revenge would come. Was it in her imagination or was Brad Pitt looking for the rough stuff? If so, Angelina knew how to satisfy that requirement.

Brad Pitt[edit]

Angelina Jolie can look like this in Photoshop CSI... me likey.

Once a bit of a pretty boy himself, Brad Pitt was looking to expand his film range. By marrying Jennifer Aniston, he appeared to be in the perfect marriage. Film directors wanted him to appear in some great romantic film with Aniston but the couple declined. When a more off-beat film drama titled Mr & Mrs Smith was offered in 2004, Pitt got the role. Aniston at first seemed quite relaxed, Jolie looked so odd and ugly to her that Aniston thought she had no worries. Why would 'Braddy' fall for her witch-like looking woman when he could come home to her every night, fresh milk cookies and smothery hugs as her presents. So when Aniston got the message that 'Braddy' wanted out of their marriage, Aniston went berserk. In a secret meeting with her old Friends co-stars, all vowed to do their best to 'bury this woman's career'. But it was Jolie who would come out on top (literally with Brad Pitt). Aniston's reputation and career has suffered ever since.


Mrs. Jolie has dedicated her life to relieving world hunger.

Angelina Jolie was now on the A list, or even the Triple AAA+ list. Now her body underwent changes. Now she shed more and more weight, coming closer to the shape of a cat walk model than an actress. So fast was Jolie's body change shape that when she was asked to provide the voice and digital template physical template of the evil seductress of Grendel's Mother in Beowulf, viewers of the film lamented that the resultant nude shape changer was nothing like Jolie anymore. The film wasn't a success and Jolie's reputation of the ice queen made her unsympathetic screen presence.

Typically Jolie chose this moment to go 'adoptive mother'. It wasn't as if she didn't need children, she and Pitt have had no problems in issuing the next generation of Lindsay Lohans for the electronic media but that wasn't enough. Angelina Jolie wanted to re-create the United Nations under her family roof and has since adopted many children (plus the ones no one except her know about) in competition with Madonna. Brad Pitt was meantime coming under public siege from Jennifer Aniston, claiming that 'anytime', 'Braddy' would leave Jolie and their freaky family and move back in with her. It didn't happen.


We Know. You want those lips.

Jolie has now moved into arty film direction. Her recent film about the civil war and break up of Yugoslavia recently received an option to be turned into a film comedy for...yes...Jennifer Aniston and Justin Bieber. Expecting Jolie to hit the roof, Aniston was shocked when Jolie called and congratulated her old enemy on the choice. It is understood that Aniston has since backed off.

Her Leg[edit]

At the 2012 Oscars Angelina Jolie exposed her leg on the red carpet. Admirers say this was Jolie acting in solidarity with the recent Arab Spring but, then again, it could be just about showing off her pins. Desperate advertisers are said to be beating the shit out of each other queueing up to sign Jolie's leg for an advertising campaign to promote hand-signed nylons.


Pixels can lie. Ray Winstone is a lot better looking than this body double!
  • Incest. 1993 (TV only. The Home Bedroom Movie Channel).
  • Grrr. 1996.
  • Girl Grinding. 1998.
  • Pushing Drugs. 2000.
  • Lara: Accent Raider. 2001.
  • Lara: Why Hasn't Anyone Got Me Out of this Franchise? 2003.
  • Colin Farrell's Mother. 2004.
  • Stealing New Husband. 2005.
  • Leaving Old Husband. 2006.
  • Anglo-Saxon Pixel Candy . 2007
  • Ready Salted. 2009.
  • My Wet Ass. 2010.
  • My Right Leg. 2012.
  • Boring Movie No One is Ever Going to Watch but Will Win Awards as Everyone Wants Me to Turn Up. 2012. (Director Only).
  • My Left Leg. (pre-production). Release date 2013.