Lindsay Lohan

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Dr. Lindsay Lohan, physician, scientist, chemist...searching for a way to tap into the hidden urges that all humans have.

Dr. Lindsay Dee Lohan (born July 2, 1986) is an American actress, chemist, ginger, potential bisexual/non-bisexual, and winner of a dual MTV Movie Awards Award for Best Actress, who performed astonishingly well on the charts when she tried out being a pop singer at Casablanca Records, and dropped some iconic mixtapes in her prime. She is equally well-known for her involvement in the mobile gaming, modeling, and Volkswagen industries.

Freckled origins[edit]

Lindsay Lohan was born in New York City, New York to dancer Dina "Princess" Lohan and Wall Street wolf Michael "Sméagol" Lohan. She has three siblings, who are suspected to be redheads as well. Despite ten years of public schooling, she was ultimately pulled out of school at the last minute and spent her junior and senior years being homeschooled.

At the age of three, Lindsay's parents enrolled her in Hollywood's Toothsome Academy for Future Stars. They hoped that a future casting call would specify, "Wanted: Kid with freckles and fair skin". Lindsay narrowly lost out to Macaulay Culkin for Home Alone, and to her great rival Christina Ricci in the Addams Family franchise. She eventually got a role in 1996, in the TV series Another World. It seems a Disney director saw this and thought Lindsay would be good in the 1998 remake of The Parent Trap. Playing twin sisters separated at birth, Lindsay's freckles got more notice than her acting. Some of the audience were physically sick watching her on screen, as her desperation to be loved added a drowning level of syrup to the finished product.

Grown-up career[edit]

A 2000s gathering of the three McBling Princesses: Hillary Duff, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton... beware!

Lohan was all set to follow the squeaky-clean route of child star to adult raver, like Britney Spears, Drew Barrymore, Shirley Temple, and Christina Ricci. But she grew away from the film or television screens, instead choosing to act out the rest of her career on YouTube and Court TV. Those who are generous are saying Lohan is just getting in all the life experiences she missed a child, and that by the age of 30 she will be the next Angelina Jolie. She also acted in Mean Girls.

Movie critics often interpret why Lohan has been very choosy about her film roles. Quite surprisingly to the industry, she withdrew from a film adaptation of Oscar Wilde's A Woman of No Importance despite being a natural for the title role. Her recently preferred film roles were to appear naked with ridiculous hair extensions in Machete; an unerotic pole dancer (and playing her own twin so you got a double helping) in I Know Who Killed Me; and a dimwitted groupie in Chapter 27, a film about John Lennon's assassin Mark Chapman.


Here is a brave extremist Lindsay Lohanist about to be sacrificed to satisfy his goddess.

In December 2011, Lohan got the bad boys out for Playboy. Twice, in fact, when Playboy turned down the first set of photos because she was "showing less life in them than a corpse on a slab," and threatened to withhold the payment. Her first studio session was viewed as such a turn off that the magazine feared it would affect sales. However, other even badder boys leaked the photos on to the internet before the magazine came out. Lindsay's fee for posing was subsequently reduced. Her bored-looking Marilyn Monroe poses were voted the least erotic picture spread by the discerning New York Times.

Elizabeth Taylor[edit]

Lindsay Lohan in the proposed sequel Twilight: Going for a Burton.

Lohan's "Monroe" was followed in 2012 by landing the title role of Elizabeth Taylor. The veteran actress was so disgusted by this choice that she died as a protest. The production went ahead and got some of the worst previews of all time.

Taking a few books off a friend's bookshelf and reading them on a sun lounger in Los Angeles, Lohan prepared herself to become Elizabeth Taylor. The film was titled Liz & Dick Get Shouty Drunk Together, and was supposed to chronicle the stormy marriage of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. That Lohan looked nothing like Taylor (even with wigs and CGI) and couldn't even get close to Taylor's middle-of-the-Atlantic accent didn't matter. The entire production stank, but at least Lohan was getting noticed for more than arrests and partying.

Critics raved that Lohan's performance as the pill-popping, bed-hopping, histrionic drama queen Elizabeth Taylor was said to be "so close to reality that you would swear that she wasn't acting." You would swear a lot. But as for the rest of Taylor's charms — the ones that had bagged her eight husbands, the husbands of a few others, and the adoring attention of Hollywood's closeted community — Lohan just didn't have it. Her phone didn't ring for any more jobs except a few that would require a move into the Valley Girl Film Industry. The year ended with Lohan in jail again...

She also violated her probation recently. Naughty girl! She also has her own parking spot reserved for her at the Beverly Hills Courthouse.

Working with porn actors[edit]

Lindsay Lohan and James Deen in The Canyons.

Lohan's career has dropped so low that now she is meeting porn ('adult') actors on the way up like James Deen. They appeared together in the snooze sex tease film The Canyons. Told she was expected to get involved in the hot action with three other porn actors, Lohan stayed at the back of the orgy scenes. This time she wasn't allowed to wear a merkin on her head but instead had the scene shot with dim lights so that it was hard to see what was going on. Lohan said she loathed the film and the sleaze bag cast and director and refused to to publicise the film at the 2013 Venice Film Festival.