Golden Raspberry Awards

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

The Golden Raspberry Awards, called the Razzies for short, is an annual award ceremony (if you can call it that) held in Los Angeles to recognise the worst in pornography. Founded by American copywriter and publicist and rapist John J.B. Wilson in 1952, the event proceeds the Academy Awards by one day. Although few people know or care about the awards, Wilson has repeatedly said that they have made a lasting impression on the pornography industry. The awards have gained some media coverage since being sued by FOX, the Academy Awards voting panel, the American Film Industry and countless Uncyclopedians in an unsuccessfull 2008 lawsuit. The term raspberry is used to mean sex. Like, duh.

History and development[edit]

The movie that started the Golden Raspberry Awards.


In 1952, whilst watching a newly-released pornographic film, John J.B. Wilson suddenly got the idea for a ceremony celebrating pornography. This thought was put aside Wilson became disgusted by what he was watching. He hated it, calling it ' utter disgrace! Sex should not be patronised by this crap!'. Later that week, he was reminded of his idea whilst watching the Academy Awards. Wilson thought that the awards should be given out to the worst pornography had to offer, giving them a refreshing twist. He forced all two of his imaginary friends to vote on the worst in pornography. Since the only material available to them was Lickin' in the Rain, it won all the awards, setting a new, and currently unbeatable record. Less importantly, the Razzies had been established as an awards show and little else.

Razzies on the box[edit]

After several years of the Razzies being a small, unpublicised ceremony held in a weathered Bronx apartment, Wilson decided that they deserved to be televised, and pitched coverage of the ceremony to various mainstream TV channels. The people at each studio turned Wilson away and occasionally assaulted him until finally, Wilson struck a deal with an unknown adult cable channel. The ceremonies pull in about 32 viewers each year during their post-watershed 2 am time slot.

Twitter and rising popularity[edit]

One day on a hot 2006 day, Wilson was scanning the net for pornography when he accidentally stumbled upon a website named "Twitter". Thinking that registering would bring him pornography (it really is an easy mistake to make), he made an account. Disappointed at the lack of pornography, he somehow tweeted 'The Golden Raspberry Awards are better that this crap!' Intrigued users that wanted to know what this old man was talking about, so they Googled the awards and some of them eventually found the Golden Raspberry Awards site that Wilson has set up in the 60's. The site was so old and perverse it infected many computers with the deadly 'Dead Trojan Horse Corpse' virus, which blew many computers up. However, the site's visitors had enough time to read the details about the Razzies, and the Razzies now attract about two more people every year.

Notable Awards[edit]

This is a list of the most famous of all the awards given out during the show.

Worst Actor and Actress[edit]

This awards goes out to the worst pornographic actor and actress, as stated in the name. No one has yet accepted this award in person, although almost all winners proceed to write long "fuck you" letters to Wilson. Apparently, the nominee's chemistry, acting and penis size are all factors here, although the ceremony's "draw a piece of paper from a hat" method of selecting the winner suggests otherwise.

Worst Oral, Anal, Ejaculation or Orgy[edit]

This award goes to the worst onscreen sex act. Known as "the most fun award" by the judging panel, it has been presented to animals as well as humans, and was awarded to a record 30 individuals in 2001. As with the Actor/Actress award, no one has accepted it in person. Wilson is rumoured to keep all the unclaimed awards in his torture chamber.

Worst Director[edit]

A typical Razzie Award. This one was pictured shortly after the 1998 ceremony.

This award was made up by Wilson when he was high on marijuana in mid-1974. Instead of giving out an award at this point, Wilson attempts to mimic the Goatse internet phenomenon with his own anus for five or so minutes. He has gone as far as to claim that he was the person in the photo, although he was legally ordered to never marry in his childhood. Worst Director is currently the most popular awards by far.

The Actual Awards[edit]

These are oranges spray painted gold. When asked why Wilson said 'Well, these awards are for worst something, aren't they. So I'm gonna need something cheap, aren't I. So I bought some gold spray paint, which almost made me skint, and then I got some oranges from a girl who calls herself the 'Fruit Launcher'. I dunno why.'

Worst Acceptance Speech[edit]

The award for the worst acceptance speech went to Kristen Stewart for turning up. Ms Stewart was nominated, and won, in three other categories:

  • Worst Screen Actress
  • Worst Screen Copuple
  • Worst woman in the World

The Academy, represented by Billy Crystal, told her "The least you could have done was to stay away. We hate you, don't you get that?"

See also[edit]