High School Musical (film)

High School Musical is Disney's fourth attempt at creating a live-action comedy short, after Steamboat Willie, Duke Nukem: The Movie, and Chicken Little. Like all of the attempts before it, it failed. Intended strictly for adults, it is well-known for its violence, vulgar language, and pro-Nazi comments. Although considered nothing more than a scrap and a failure, High School Musical is regarded as the farthest Disney has come to creating a full-length comedy short. Its soundtrack, compiled into an LP album, tied with The New Pornographers' Twin Cinema as Strangest Album of 2006.

Two sequels have been created: Sky High and Columbine: The Movie. A fourth installment, The Hunger Games, is in the making and is soon to be released.

Setting and time[edit]

Described by creator Walt Frisbee as a modern adaption of Romeo and Juliet (although also influenced by The Bee Movie), the story takes place in a high school called Columbine, located in the small redneck town of Hounourville, Skaylia. It is set during the time period regarded as the Crash Years, when macaroni and cheese fell out of style, to be replaced with ketchup-topped pasta, and the use of fishnets became common in fashion. The most accurate guess ever recorded for its actual date is 2003. This guess was made by Stephen Hawking, so it must be right.

I have no idea!

Cast[edit]

Nes Bolton[edit]

A complete jock, Bolton is the captain of the school's jai-alai team, the Columbine Gophers. He is described by his peers as "a complete and total dunderhead", "another lost-cause jock", and "hot". He is played by Zac Efron, who, during the course of the movie, uses AutoTune.

Skye H. Montez[edit]

A shy new girl, who has just arrived from another dimension by stowing away in the hold of a space frigate. She excels in math and science, and the use of semi-automatic machine guns. By the end of the movie, she kills three people and barely avoids expulsion. Played by Vanessa Smudge. She is the most annoying person on the set, as she runs away everytime she is on.......Just kidding. There is no way you can be the most annoying on High School Musical.

Inara "Sharpay" Dyclon[edit]

A very annoying, sadistic young lady who wants nothing but to be in the school musical. She also has purple hair, which is actually a wig made from the skins of many onions. Dyclon often drugs herself out whilst hiding in the dark recesses of the custodial closet, earning her the nickname "Shmoopy Woopy" from her peers.

Zyclon Dyclon[edit]

The brother of Sharpay Dyclon and a remarkably good singer. He wants his sister dead, as revenge for her killing his mother, but tries to hide this. As a child, he was also responsible for the Boston Massacre and the creation of the half-robotic singer T-Pain.

Holly Nielsen[edit]

An incredibly peppy but very calm and collected music composer. She is a slave of the school principal, Dr. Darbus, and her main chore is to compose music for her entertainment. She is a very strict realist. Also the love interest of Nes Bolton.

Dr. Darbus[edit]

The school principal, an evil villain who is secretly plotting to destroy the world with a huge laser. She enlists her foes by forcing them to participate in musicals that she and her slave, Holly Nielsen, create together. After the musicals are complete, Darbus hypnotizes everyone she managed to enlist and sends them out on killing sprees. She has an affinity for tacky ties, especially those decorated with giraffes.

Plot[edit]

The story begins when Nes Bolton and Skye Montez meet up at a hotel after meeting up on Tinder. There, they are forced to fight to the death by an angry mob of men disguised as dogs. After they are both killed, they take the opportunity to exchange phone numbers.

When Nes returns to his school, Columbine, he is surprised to see that Skye is there. After being killed twice, she had been expelled from her old school, thus explaining her presence on Mars at an earlier date. Skye soon finds that Columbine is a very strict school; her first class, Advanced Rocket Sciene, is taught by Dr. Darbus. She confiscates sixteen cell phones, as well as a fork and shank that one student had brought into the classroom. Also, during this class, a student talked out of turn and was subsequently beaten to death with a hammer.

When class is finished, Nes confronts Skye in the hallway and asks if she wants to audition for the school musical, If Eggs Might Fly, but she politely declines. After threatening her six times, she finally agrees. The biggest competition in the auditions is a brother-and-sister team, Inara Dyclon and Zyclon Dyclon. Compared to them, Nes and Skye fail miserably, and are kicked out of the theater with a warning that if they showed up, wild hamsters would be sent to occupy their homes.

Not about to be told what to do by some old sot of a principal, Nes and Skye apply for the callbacks. But they happen to be on the same day as Nes's big jai-alai game against the Columbine's rival, the West Side Stories, and a certain date where Skye was supposed to show up at the movie theater to receive orders from the FBI. Shocked, agitated, and at a loss for what to do, they are forced to drop out of school and become hobos.

The messages hidden within this story are clear. One: don't do drugs. Two: you can always trust aliens. And the third and final one, but perhaps the most meaningful: not all toasters toast toast; rather, they toast bread.

Reception[edit]

The film, although classified as a failure, was generally well received by the adult audience it was aimed for. Based on reviews from sites such as TheOtaku.com, the film currently scores a numerical rating of 8 out of 23. It was far less popular among the animal population of the world, chiefly rhinoceroses and langurs, for reasons I am not allowed to discuss.

Musical numbers[edit]

All songs by A.C. Newman except where noted.

"Twin Cinema" – 2:59
"The Bones of an Idol" – 2:51
"Use It" – 3:26
"The Bleeding Heart Show" – 4:27
"Jackie, Dressed in Cobras" (Dan Bejar) – 3:06
"The Jessica Numbers" (Newman, John Collins) – 3:06
"These Are the Fables" – 3:29
"Sing Me Spanish Techno" – 4:16
"Falling Through Your Clothes" – 2:53
"Broken Breads" (Bejar) – 3:00
"Three or Four" – 3:07
"Star Bodies" – 4:07
"Streets of Fire" (Bejar) – 2:41
"Stacked Crooked" – 4:18
"High Art, Local News" (bonus track on Japanese release and iTunes version) – 3:02

Sequels and spinoffs[edit]

High School Musical 2: Sky High: The long-awaited sequel to the highly successful original, Sky High is strangely reminiscent of the first movie in storyline and plot. However, all of the characters seem to have gained superpowers. Considerably less well-received than the original.

Columbine: The Movie: A dark, insidious thriller with a twist of wit. It's no stretch to say that the general public despised this film, even more so than with the second installment of the series. In fact, it has been banned in Vancouver, Vatican City, some parts of Salt Lake City, and the entire state of California.