High school

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High school, a place of learning, achievement, and morons who can't point out the US on a map of the US.
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Teenagers, or Prison?

“Worst week of my life!”

~ Chuck Schuldiner on High School

“High School taught me to speak like proper grammatically correct... you get me bruv?”

~ The Stig on High School

High school is where young people look for distractions from reading, writing, and arithmetic. When you get to higher grades, you start to learn more about the important lessons in life such as how to stop these damn rumors from spreading, how the clique system works, how commercially funded food is not good for you, and how to support athletes that are just rivalling against their siblings on a basketball court while being watched by a bunch of 35 year old paedophiles and welfare bums.

Adult Content in High school

Yeah right! Give it up. That's never gonna happen

For many, high school is the most difficult four years of one's life. Because of this, it is sometimes mistaken for hell or a 4-year-long game from one of those SAW movies. Studies can be difficult; exams are stressful, and teachers are stupid. They usually tell you to bullshit that the state tells you to teach, which are mostly lies, to suck up to them for more funding. However, nothing causes more angst and cerebral social programming than High School affairs of the heart, knees, and loins. High School is where many young people learn to kiss, learn about the Great War of the Apes in 1973, and about sex first hand (or the second hand) for the first time, or realize that they are in fact, pitching varsity for "the other team".

Social events in high school are much less formally formatted. No longer are dances chaperoned. The goal of all males is to get a cool, hot-looking car, put a hot-looking chick in it, and stick his tiny wiener in her. Dating goes something like this:

Girls begin to learn to make themselves available to the boys of their liking, and they make themselves unavailable to the boys of their disliking. The axiom "Girl chases boy until boy catches girl" from elementary school is once again adopted into the social structure. No longer do girls walk up to boys, punch them, kiss them, and tell them they like them; much more subtle methods are used. Cosmetics are applied, legs are shaved off, and things are lifted and separated. Of paramount importance of the boyfriend to the girl is the height of the boy, his age, and his car. In short, the older and taller he is, the more she, as well as other girls, will like him. The first sexual encounter for girls usually involves alcohol, a compromising position, tears, and a pent-up need to lash out at all men for pretty much the rest of her life, especially when she's in her thirties and working retail in a general position.

A high school boy will spend four years of his life hard, with little thoughts outside of making anything that shaves its legs off bark like a dog. That's pretty much it; boys' minds aren't really all that intricate.

High school facts

No one passes their driving test the first time.
  • You will get jumped by the older kids on your first day. You have been warned.
  • High schools are the home of many illegal drugs. Therefore, the average greeting is not a "Hi, how are you?", but "How high is you?" The general response is:"Oh, I'm really fucked up from all the kitten huffing I've been doing!" Schools are conveniently populated with drug healers that are more than eager to heal students dope addictions. While the US government doesn't realize it, the majority of drug healing and drug manufacturing does not occur in South America, but in the not so average high school cafeteria.
  • Adults and TV advertisers like to claim that your high school years are the "best years of your life". These people either never actually went to high school, or lead the saddest, most miserable lives imaginable. Or they are being sarcastic.
  • Scientists have now confirmed the possibility that due to the ridiculous hormonal and drug/alcohol levels of teenagers in High School, AIDS very well may have first been created as a result of High School related activities (i.e. crazy drunken LSD-fueled interspecies mega-orgy).
  • High School has never taught successfully anyone anything useful; the garbage the system tries to cram into their victims' brains usually gets forgotten during the first few months, provided it no longer has relevance in said victims' lives.

Main groups of high school personnel

Senior Teacher

An individual unfortunate enough to have been landed with the task of coaching fucktarded students. Old and uncool. And usually bald or balding. Watch out, may or may not be a Vietnam veteran.

Eccentric Teacher

a teacher that takes 20 pills of Adderall and Vicodin a day and drinks 20 cups of coffee, and runs around like an idiot, thinking he is cool but bores the shit out of cool high school kids.

Perverted Teacher

Usually, the creepy teacher in the school everyone makes fun of. Most commonly the PE Teacher or swimming coach. Though occasionally they're the one with the beige tie and odd smile when they look at you.

School Counselors

People trying to severely fuck up your schedules and possibly the rest of your life. "Sorry, I can't give you a counsellor's recommendation until you fill out this 45-minute personality evaluation, activity sheet, and colouring book. Also, you'll have to fill out this permission sheet to send your scores." Thanks for the help, you useless fuck.


A person who most people feel bad for but don't realize that he consumes human embryos and fornicates to loli porn. If he doesn't do all that, most likely he's Mexican.

School principal

Some douche that makes up the school rules where you can't have cell phone, can't chew gum, can't smoke weed, can't do this or do that, and if you do break the rules, you get sentenced to solitary confinement aka detention along with 20 hours of community service with no trial, like in the real world. He is very close to those authoritarian Russian dictators.

Cafeteria lady

She is the one, usually a Mexican, or some redneck, that serves you crappy processed, not good for you, pre-approved by Michelle Obama for anti Obesity food. It usually tastes like a combination of glazed hairballs and fried roadkill with a lot of preservatives to make it taste good, but not much of it's consumed so everyone eats at McDonald's anyway.

Bus driver

They are usually 300 pounds and don't have a life, and spend half of their time reading Playboy on the bus and yelling at random high school freshmen that are too young or poor to drive or are too hick. The cool high school students hitch rides from older students instead of riding the bus.

Pervy PE teachers

Very fast, but nice at heart and considerate.


And don't forget these guys! Whether on purpose or by accident, this subset of boys can cause you (yes, YOU!!) the most problems. They'll usually be seen doing really obnoxious things and being praised by other douchebags, fags, assholes, etc until the weekend shows, at which time almost always those obnoxious things are combined with alcohol and marijuana, making more praise. Way to go, douchebag.

Student body


Basically the high school equivalent of a n00b. It's very common for a freshman (Usually nerds) to get jumped by the seniors (usually jocks) on the first day. Do not feel bad for freshmen. They are n00bs after all. Freshmen also catch the "noob virus" infecting them with gonaherpasiphlaaids. This STD symptom includes:

  • Young boys with a glass-shattering pitch.
  • Pheromones that drive senior into a bloodlust rage to embarrass or torture the freshmen.
  • And the normal life-destroying effects of being hated by everyone, even your parents.


Students with foreign accents--or unable to speak English at all--who attend the first week of school although they didn't attend the last week of school last year. No one knows who they are. No one is surprised when they don't attend the second week of school because their parents have dragged them back across the border one step ahead of la migra. Exception: You are surprised, as you loaned them ten dollars and expected to be repaid.

Cheap Whores

Congratulations sluts, you are now in High School and have gotten past free sex, and started becoming cheap whores. There are many subcategories of cheap whores, but they fill up 99% of the female population. They usually go out with football players, basketball players, etc. Basically anyone with a chin the size of a light aircraft and muscles that are larger than their brainless heads.

Typical future life of most Jocks

The Jock

These guys at the top of the food chain and their lives rule! Or so they think! You usually see jocks playing football, cruising around in their cool-as-shit cars, making nerds' lives hell, being a douche, and occasionally fucking in public. You may see the alumni pumping gas at your local kwik trip. Jocks believe that when they graduate High School, they get a contract to play for their state's football team, but that only happens to a chosen few douchebags, so most Jocks end up working at an office or factory, while their boss (who ironically ends up being the same nerd that the jock bullied in high school) sitting around drinking lemonade all day.

The Preppie

Usually, go to a term private school like . . . Fettes, or EAC. Typical preppies (or "preps") have pulled back messy hair or fohawks (ew), and wear rugby shirts, huge picture frame sunglasses, skinny jeans (most commonly with holes), and eggs. Most preps look down on public school kids, while the guy preps ("jocks") take a step further and think they're "all that," "happening," and that everyone loves them; when jocks are really ugly mutts with no fashion sense. Preps usually die out after college after they realize their parents can't buy them a job. All preps are athletes, but not all athletes are preps.


Cheerleaders are groups of hot chicks who try their best to make people cheer, but have yet to realize that only perverts cheer. Due to most cheerleaders having jocks and/or athletes for boyfriends, No cheerleader is a virgin. Ever.


The teens in this group are the most self-righteous, self-confident people you may ever meet (unless, of course, you have been unfortunate enough to meet a nerd with an even larger ego). Stoners are the kids that host parties every weekend and get high practically every day. They're dumb as shit, but they have a strange fascination with music (most likely Jimi Hendrix), pornography, and being in a garage band. All of these kids have long, unkempt hair. They also wear flannel, Tye-Dye, or band shirts every day, as in the grunge style. Most potheads can play a musical instrument and will brag incessantly about it. If you befriend one, prepare yourself for the gazillion gig invites you inevitably will receive within the next five days. Many stoners are Christians. If they aren't, then they're some sort of religious hybrid of Buddhism and Nihilism, some have even been known to be gynaecologists. But it has been known if the stoner is constantly into illegal narcotics and the public is aware of it, classmates may fear him as a crazy druggie and he will fall down the popularity scale. They can usually be found hiding in the bathroom, in deserted hallways, underneath the bleachers, in Pot Cycles in the middle of the football field, the back of any class, or on the other side of the smallest fence smoking, fucking, or talking about either smoking or having various forms of sex.


Skaters, who are closely related to the stoners, are kids who are obsessed with skating. And skateboards. And stickers. And Tony Hawk. And other skateboarders. And skater shoes. TIGHT skinny jeans. Some even go as far as to proclaim their virginity and abstinence from alcohol, pot, and drugs all things fun and enjoyable, which denotes that they are "sXe," or severely sexually repressed, and in denial.


A group of cool people. Real bikers ride Harley Davidson motorcycles. All the other bikers ride crotch rockets which burn their crotches. They converse about the biggest jump that they have ever hit and dislike people conversing about their latest crash. Tend to hang out in the Bike Rack before and after school to monitor their "so-called" valuable possessions, and claim that motorcycles are cool.


Artistic kids think that they're awesome. Their ego can also be attributed to the fact that they wear "super awesome" clothes: flats, tight jeans, flannel shirts, tees, leg warmers, uggs, tights with skirts, and strange hair ornaments.

Theater Geeks

The amazing group that all the awesome people are in. No one is the same, just like everyone else in High School except even unique and special! There are the sarcastic people, the ditzy ones, the clowns, the perverted ones, any person who just likes to act/sing/eventually starve to death due to lack of talent. Basically, if you aren't crazy or loud in any way, you may not be liked too much. Everyone is family, so if you mess with one of them, they'll go insane. if you don't memorize your lines in time, you are not respected at all, and they WILL talk trash about you.

Creepy Kids Too


They have the worst music taste ever and can't dress. The females have at least 100 pounds of makeup on their faces at any given time (cakeface); while the males are either black or wiggers. After the age of 10, over 9000% of chavs have at least two children.[1] If you're doubting whether there are chavs at your high school, think back: Have you ever seen a girl with badly dyed blond hair in the hallway wearing only large sunglasses, a waist-tight anorak, skater shoes, and pyjama pants? She's a chav. Extra chav points if she's chewing gum loudly and talking loudly to her fat, androgynous transvestite friend. Chav = White trash = Ghetto


Emodom is just a sad, cheap imitation of goth, one step below transvestite. Emos are totally different from goths, and are not to be confused with them. (You'll piss off a lot of goths if you claim otherwise.) Kids are really "into" their feelings, and are more than often depressed, masochistic sluts. They are definitely not confused; teenagers know everything. Emo kids express their feelings through dress, music, the colour black, and the usage of too much eyeliner. The males often wear ladies jeans two sizes too small and possess a girl's haircut. Girls frequently resemble their male counterparts almost identically. Most of the time, these kids can be found hanging around their giant cluster of friends. (See Nonconformity.)


Goths are a little higher on the totem pole than emos, in that they are not as unoriginal, and it takes more guts to wear the shitty Hot Topic clothes goths have to don in order to maintain their "awesomeness." Goths are really pissy half the time, and they don't appreciate being trolled by the cool kids. Watch out if you try to call them emo. Half of them are Satanists and will try to go all black magic on your ass if you say the word "emo" within 5 metres of them.

Scene kids

The supposed "cool kids" of the emo world. They base their hairstyle off Goku and often sniff glue to make it stand straight up. Most of their hair died during the cold war era and resembles that of broom bristles. They usually spend time feeling sorry for themselves, squealing like pigs, or talking shit about the hair of the other scene kid in the corner's hair (when it's actually a mirror he's seeing). Every Friday they leave their cave to feed upon the flesh of people with facebooks or lives in general. They conform to the straight edge a.k.a sXe XXXXXXXXXXsexxXXXXXXXX. They are often found scavenging hardcore shows searching for the average HXC guy with the XXX tattoo above their junk to have inspiration while they give dome. They exploit their mental retardation for cuteness in forms of n00dz. OMFG pc4pc?!?


Punks are the musical kids with abstract, retarded humour. They dye their hair strange colours that, on occasion, actually look cool. Punks are pretty laid-back, but the posers that hang out with them are obnoxious preps in grunge-esque punk clothing. May have multiple tattoos and piercings, and a fondness for metal. Most likely middle class, despite the hippie anarchist origins of punk.


Metalheads are another group of musical kids. They are usually male with hair down to their ass (or, less common, a shaved head) and always brag about how awesome some band is and start playing air guitar while mimicking the noises of a guitar with their mouths to random people. (99.999999% of the time, those people don't give a flying shit). They typically wear jeans and a metal band shirt with a logo that is illegible. They also wear either Converse sneakers or combat boots. They usually play some kind of instrument and are in some shitty band or cover band. To them, metal is superior and all other forms of music ("poser music") and all posers and non-metalheads must be destroyed. They generally don't care about school or it's "teachings" and prefer sex and beer. Emos and Scene kids are their natural enemies, though most metalheads dream of having a really fucking hot emo girlfriend.


Also known as Geeks, Dorks, or Brains, Nerds are typically the quiet yet mind-blowingly intelligent kids that sit at the back of the class. There have been some reported cases of extremely loud and obnoxious nerds, but those nerds are usually bullied into homeschooling by middle school, and therefore are not typically found in high school. Nerds are some of the richest kids in school, but for some reason, don't purchase contact lenses. Teenage males make up over 90% of the nerdic population, as females who know how to groom themselves generally grow out of nerdom after puberty. Nerds may be distinguished from other students by their thick glasses, pocket protectors, and NORP clothing. Nerds are the most common form of the bully victim. Note: Nerds are not always teachers' pets, and should not be confused with such vile scum.

Teacher's Pet

Also known as the "Wankster" or "Fugrat," the teacher's pet is the most hated type of student in society. These kids are typically snobs and are stupid because they have to rely on their suck-up skills to save their grades.Sometimes, they have sex with their teacher to get good grades


These are the teens that really follow their own beats, respectively. They don't fit into any other social group, but they inevitably manage to have, like, 20 friends. (Actually, this large number of friends is only possible because of nerdy activities like "Robotics" and "Debate Club.") They tend to keep to themselves and typically date other outcasts, but enjoyable cable TV programs demonstrate that outcast females typically date jocks, unwittingly dating them for a relationship, when all the jock really wants is sex.

The cock

These kids are members of their own, distinctive, penis-shaped group. They have a lot of friends but the reason as to why remains unknown. For some reason, they are dominant forces in decision making within their social group (which usually consists of other dicks, but occasionally a cock may commandeer another social group) and have many useless 'talents' that you would never need. These many talents combine to create the ultimate force of cocksmanship, and so a cock is formed, which entails causing misery in the lives of others for one's own amusement.

Prom Queens

Porn-- I mean Prom Queens are an important segment of the High School matriarchy. Just as a beehive houses a queen and thousands of mates, so too does a high school. Active high schools can be found throughout the country with a Porn Queen ready to be pollinated, and a wise traveller should visit many different High Schools at once in an attempt to pollinate the queen.


Generally poor whites with little or no education. The majority of them live in rural areas or the poorest sections of the city. Most are considered harmless and are completely clueless on what's going on around the world. They live in trailer parks, drive trucks with different colored panels or primer stains, love WWF and NASCAR and have 5 kids before the age of 25. I.e, Nebraskan.


  • Portables - Portables are otherwise known as Port-o-Potties (Porta-loos in England) or the "Crapping Post", are the mobile toilettes put outside of the facility, so students stay outside while doing their business during Gym class on cold winter days. Through the manipulation of several quantum principles such as Heisenberg's Uncertainty and the Russian Reversal, the temperature of portables is in a state of constant flux, and although it has been noted that in summer they are hotter and in winter they are so cold that Chuck Norris almost noticed. They also smell like crap. Some upperclassmen also make a game out of shoving the froshmores into them and rolling them down a hill or just locking them in there and walking away.
  • Kitten Huffing - It's, well, you know what that is.


The reason as to why adolescents attend college is uncertain. The general response, proposed by Everyday Dumbasses (who should be looked down upon with great condescension), is that high schoolers just want the "college experience" of beer parties, hot chicks/hookers, road trips, dorms, and college grant money.

In the decade of the 1950s, many universities found that they could not keep up with the rising demand for "higher education". A group known as the College Board was formed and insisted that fewer students get into college. They reasoned that if kids have to go through four years of what they called "Additional School Preparation" before they can gain admission to college, then colleges would have less to worry about, since there would be no more kids coming to college, at least for the next four years.

This helped a great deal as most of the kids got disillusioned with the whole system causing them to drop out before they actually made it further education. A damn good thing too... As everyone who actually bothered to pay attention in class long enough knows, the university is actually where you get all the real Poontang and the less competition there is the better.

Prep Schools

Prep schools are like private schools, if a child is not rich they are an outcast and most likely the least high child in the school.

  1. Prep boys - Smuggle drugs that their parents bought for them into the school through their rectum, ear, and their kitten huffing kittens.
  2. Prep girls - Buy the drugs off of the Prep boys by offering them the sex of the rectum, ear and their kitten huffing kittens.
  3. Nerds - Pass out upon entering the school due to their extreme asthma caused by the pot smoke that flows from the girl's bathroom.
  4. Poor Kids / middle-class kids - Ignored by everyone, they begin to believe that they are just ghosts and do not even interact with one another.
  5. Teachers - Since all of their students are passed out, high, or having sex, they are free to carry out their regular web surfing and whipping of the students that are not one of the aforementioned things.

Homework consists of - Restock on drugs and Condoms, take a pregnancy test, Wake the hell up and stop drooling on the floor, and for poor kids, put salt and ice on your wrist veins, then dip your arm in a vat of pure 100% lemon juice.

See also