%

“99.9% of the world's population don't give a fuck about percentages.”

~ Oscar Wilde

% (English: Percentile) is a queer letter used to denote a portion of something. In mathematics this has proved valuable, as math is not actually real. The lowercase form is 5, and the pluralized form is &.

% first belonged to the English language until it was sold by the Committee of Letters in 1401 to the Committee of Surplus Symbols. However, in 1604, the Treaty of % was struck up, making both Committees equal owners of %, though the C.O.L. tend to abuse it more often.

The real world, however, has had its share of problems with this theoretical symbol. This stems from mathematicians striving to impose math-based principles on day-to-day habits, which is simply not possible.

Three possible postulates arise:

% = /

This statement says that "%" equals something divided by something else. In mathematics, this is possible, but not so in the physical world. Example:

Jeffrey divided Susan's whole body into three parts. These three parts represented 33%, 33%, and 33%, with 1% accounting for error.

In math, this would take the form of "one divided by three." So what happened in the real world?

The police immediately arrested Jeffrey, because he had dismantled one entire body, and it was still one body after he was done. He did not create three separate bodies! Mathematically, he was wrong.

% = —

This statement says, "% equals fraction sign" (not to be confused with minus sign). This is another fallacy, in that a fraction does not equal the symbol %. Example:

Jill is a mechanic. She asks her assistant, Jeffrey, for a ¾ socket.

"¾ of what?" Asks Jeffrey. Jeffrey is a mathematician. He assumes that ¾ must be part of a greater whole, since 3/4 cannot exist alone in his mathematically fuelled mind.

"Just give me a ¾ socket," says Jill again.

Jeffrey assumes this time she means a 75% socket, and again he would be wrong. 75% does not mean ¾.

% = Something

This statement says that % can represent something in the physical world. This is the most heinous theory ever, and can be disproved as such:

1. Joe sees a pumpkin pie on the table. He takes a piece. Jill says that Joe took 12% of the entire pie. But the pie at this point is still a pie. It is not "part of a pie." It is still 100%.
2. Joe fills up a glass of water. He fills it past the brim, and over half of its capacity spills on the table. Jill says he wasted water. Joe, on the other hand, is enjoying all the water in his cup. He doesn't listen to Jill.
3. Joe has four apples. Jill gives him four apples, and says he now has 200% of the apples he once had. This is impossible. He still has 100% of the apples he now has at the present moment, no matter how many more apples are added or subtracted.

The % sign is therefore meaningless and cannot be applied to anything in life.

Moral of this story: Do not believe mathematicians. Ever.

% = Destruction

This statement says that percents cause mathematical instability. Mark is doing math. He comes to the problem: "Convert 1/2 to a percent." He simply writes, "1/2 = 50%." Quickly his friend Anne reads his paper, and realizes that 50% does not equal 1/2, but it equals 50 times 0/0. Upon seeing this, she does the math herself and realizes that all percentages are equal to zero, divided by zero, which takes 17 years for scientists to research. Scientist 1, Andy, concludes that 0 divided by 0 is equal to 1, as all nominators divided by the exact same denominator are always equal to 1. However, Scientist 2, Johnson, concludes that nothing can be divided by zero safely, and he quickly takes Mark's math paper, and puts it into a bomb shelter. Scientist 3 says that $0/0$ is .999_

Meanwhile, Anne got pregnant with Joe's baby, as he had finished eating apples and met Anne over a popular dating site. Scientist 1, Andy, died of a heart attack, and Johnson committed suicide realizing that Anne was cheating on him. The math problem was lost forever, and the baby wound up working at a law firm some 22 years later. Anne would live a full life, until she died of heart disease, and Joe is currently living in North Dakota, in a ranch on B street.

Demographics

• 66.6(recurring)% °
• 33.3(recurring)% /