Numpad

The Numpads are a family of quasi-prestigious numbers. The brutal patriarch of the family, Numpad1, raised all of the Numpads in a terribly strict environment. He would not expect any less of them than having their applications to the Keyboard Institute accepted, where they can finally show those "real numbers" who's the big integers on campus.

Of the half that got into Keyboard, none actually got in on merit, but on pity. Shunned by the entire campus, the siblings acted non-conformist, made few friends, and hung out on the east end where all the schizophrenics would stare at the blinking lights to the north all day. These are their post-Keyboard chronicles.

Numpad9

Numpad9, a letter banned from all alphabets bar the most comprehensive and liberal, is the rudest letter of all. All words with the letter in it, such as "Fnumpad9ish" and "Wehnumpad9", are banned in every country in the word, and speaking the letter alone is punishable by death. Its use is limited, even in today's hedonistic culture, although Bob Geldof, in a passionate speech about Africa, recently yelled: "You're speaking fookin Numpad9!" live on air, to the shock of everyone everywhere.

The sound of Numpad9 is fatal to around 15 percent of the population, and produces cateracts in a further 20. Pronunciation is difficult, but far, far easier if you have a Scottish accent.

Numpad6

Numpad6 is a keyboard key noted for his moderate right-wing location in the United States number pad. His unique perspective allows him to bridge the policies of more moderate keys such as Numpad5 or Numpad8 and the aggressively right-hand location of Numpad+. In 1997, he sponsored a non-partisan bill on Outputting Characters to Screen that received media attention for its wide support on both hands of the keyboard. The bill eventually passed 101-0, a first for the modern QWERTY layout.

Numpad6-Numpad6-Numpad6 is the Biblical number of the Beast Who Remembers to Turn Num Lock On, although recent research on previously untranslated scroll fragments indicates it may in fact be Numpad6-Numpad1-Numpad6, a numeric code for the emperor Caligula.

Numpad3

This charismatic button on the generic keyboard layout, loved by all, is a close relative of the Page Down button. Many people gather hope from the fact that, no matter what happens in their lives, good days or bad, the Numpad3 button will always be there for them. Understandably, he is the black sheep of the other wise boorish Numpad family.

However, the key has made some enemies in its time. Many believe that it is the sole reason so many creatures have turned into antimatter, and some even go as far as to prise it off their keyboard altogether. This has sparked off a movement - the 'Save the Numpad Keys' movement, which is made mainly of computer fanatics and grammar Nazis. They plan to save the numpad, although quite how they will achieve this is still uncertain.

Numpad2

Numpad2, also known as "Loki's number", is famous chiefly for its unnerving ability to point directly behind you at all times. Throughout history the key has been seen as a dark spiritual aide, a literal key to another world, or something that simply scares you senseless on a dark night when there's no-one home but you can still hear the stairs creaking.

For centuries the key lay dormant, surfacing only briefly at certain key points in history (notably at the Kennedy assassination, when pictures were revealed clearly showing the key pointing towards a grassy knoll), until in the 1980s a young satanist called William Gates found it buried in his back garden.

Numpad4

Numpad4 finds its origins in the early Indo-Danish language, where it is short for "Numblich padofitz 4" which translates loosely into "Make the pig noise".

This, of course, is a terrible curse in the Danish culture, after the great Denmark-Ham war of 1459-65, in which the nation's bacon supplies were exhausted, three quarters of all the eligible bachelors were slaughtered, and the capitol building was covered in grease.

"Numpad4" was adopted by roving bands of vigilantes an estimated two years before the war's end and continued for many centuries. They would ask unsuspecting travelers or other outsiders to 'make the pig noise' and, when they did, kill them and eat their meat.

Today, saying "Numpad4" in Denmark, Germany, France, Sweden or anywhere in the Atlantic Ocean is a crime punishable by death.