“I once knew this dude who woke up from a comma who's muscles had apostrophed from not using them!”
The apostrophe is a simple quotation mark. It's usage rule's remain a mystery to mos't, bu't here are some suggestion's:
- Use one to show plural's (You have two cow's.)
- Use one in the middle of pronoun's (The dog is her's.)
- Use one in verb's (Bobs dog overeat's.)
- Use one in fron't of s'es, to warn the reader's eye that an s is coming up ('She goe's to the 'store to get apple's)
- Also use one between t's at the end's of word's (I wan't tha't one)
- Occasionally use them before d's on end's of word's (I followe'd him to where he work's)
- Use one at the end of any word to show the speaker is a genius (I's fixin' to be goin' to the sto'.)
- Use one after numbers' with no exceptions (I have two' cows, The 80's were a great decade, 1' + 3' = 4')
- Use several to indicate the speaker is an alien ("Kh'aaa'rr'ghh," said Ted Stevens.)
- To indicate the 'speaker i's Iri'sh (O'Reilly eat's potatoe's)
- Surround tex't with double apostrophe's to provide emphasis, especially on a sign ("Fresh" Fish!, "Cheap" Price's!)
The "Silent" Apostrophe
The "Silent Apostrophe" is often found in the insane ramblings of the letter's page of many British tabloid newspaper's. Example's are as follow's:
"I dont like black's"
"I wont vote for the Tory's"
"I cant get a job because of the foreigner's coming over and taking our jerb's"
It can also be found on fashionable apparel - the "I'M HOT.... YOUR NOT" t-shirt slogan is popular among slag's and bewildered midlife-crisis 30 year old's alike.
Apostrophe's In History
Jesus H. Christ had twelve apo's'trophe's who followe'd him everywhere. Thu's, the real name of Jesus was Jesus' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' .
The crux of the bi'scui't i's the apo'strophe. Thi's fact was reveale'd by Frank Zappa on hi's fir's't birthday; however, the gue'st's at hi's party, who included Jesus, 'Stephen Hawking, and Mr. T were unable to comprehend the profoun'd nature of thi's fac't due to their lack of knowledge of thermodynamic equilibria.
The anti-comma ( ' ) A.K.A. the "apostrophe" is use'd by most people to shorten phrase's. This is accomplishe'd by taking the firs't letter of each word in a sentence an'd only representing that wor'd.
Example: "I met Gary Owens in Necromancy Gardens, tying olives to his emu. Fishing is so hoity-toity. Matt, autonomically, raked killer elephants' tusks. Bet you're envious!" After anti-comma: "I'm' g'o'i'n'g' t'o' t'h'e' f'i's'h' m'a'r'k'e't'. B'y'e'!".
Example: "Hector eats lamented, luscious olives. Then, herons eat raw eggs!" After anti-comma: "h'e'l'l'o t'h'e'r'e!"
Sometime's, it didn't work, though, meaning the opposite of what you said, in this case someone saying how they love someone else...either that or a cleverly concealed message.
Example: "I rakishly, eagerly admit loving lovely you. However a thrice elegant yutz outside, underneath's a loving, outgoing travelmate." After anti-comma: "I' r'e'a'l'l'y' h'a't'e' y'o'u' a' l'o't."
The anti-comma wa's accidentally create'd by the Giant Lobster's in 0 AD. Th'ey wer'e experimenting with 'sentence 'structure, after their independence but 'still wanting to "improve" upon thi's wonderful confu'sing language. When the 'surrounding town'speople hear'd of thi's new creation, but wer'e confu'se'd greatly a's to the nature of 'speech that what you 'sai'd either made no 'sen'se or had ab'solutely nothing to do with what you wer'e 'saying.
Anticomma vs. Comma
If the comma ( , ) and the anticomma ( ' ) should ever meet, they would first make a hypercomma ( ; ), which will decay into 42 trillion gramma rays and a Tesseract in roughly 5 1/2 thirds of a millisecond, destroying the hypercomma and all Grues within about 5 miles. This method of Grue-destruction is, regrettably, not feasible since you need to be five miles away from the Grue to use it. If you're 5 miles away from the Grue, you really don't need to worry about it getting you, because Grues can't see that far. Also, it's really hard to aim it correctly, but then again, you only need to be within 5 miles of your target for it to work. Also, there might not even be a Grue there. The main reason that you can't really do this on Grues is because it totally destroys everything else, which includes all the innocent townsfolk and all. It also leaves a five-mile deep crater, which after years of Grue-slaying got to be tiresome (although if it's detonated 5 miles above the ground then it'll only destroy the idiot who dropped it.) However it will not destroy Endcat, as the symbol omega (which summons him) is not affected by the apostrophe or the comma. But should you summon him to protect you you're screwed anyway as afterwards he WILL END YOU AND ALL YOU KNOW!! THAT IS THE ALMIGHTY ENDCAT!! (p.s. endcat can only beat a maximum of ten grues in a week)
- Oh, no, the commas are going to meet each other! They've built up a head of steam...there are even action lines! NOOOOOOOOOO!
|\ /\ /\_ < \/ \/ / /KA-BLOOEY!\ \ /\ /\ /\/ \/ \/\/
Also, from the physics aspect, it is widely believed [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] if a comma and an anti-comma collide, the known universe will become a singularity approximately the size of a period. The resulting burst of gramma radiation will kill 99% of all known Grues (and townsfolk).
That which is neither comma nor anti-comma
Ancient text's 'speak of a grammatical device which is neither comma nor anti-comma. It's usage is unclear. It is known to evaluate an expression and send that expression's output to the previous position, but only when two of that-which-is-neither-comma-nor-anti-comma's are used.
- Prophet's sometimes speak of these thing's as the sinful gramma element. They have no name but can be referred to a's either "that which i's neither comma nor anti-comma" or a's "the letter next to 1 and above tab" or it i's referred to a's the unshifted version of the tilde.