Ham

Caution: This page is known to be a frequent Fat Albert feasting area Fat Albert has been spotted eating here on several occasions. It is highly recommended that you hide all ham and baked goods prior to continuing to view this page. You have been warned.

Ham is a meat often imitated, but never duplicated. It is eaten by many cultures, including Moslems and Jews, particularly on popular Jewish holidays such as Hanukkah and Holocaust Celebration Day. However, it is restricted only to terrorists, so anyone may eat it. Ham is a white meat, but is eaten by black people (naggers.. they nag a lot). This makes it a integrated meat, and was responsible for the civil war and the death of Martin Luther King, Jr. Ham has been deemed evil and unethical by the United Nations for its ability to cause such wars, but not deemed unethical by the NAACP. This is because it is classified as soul food, especially if on a "hock".

The Evolution of Ham

Ham is an advanced breed of meat and has gone through many evolutionary adaptations before becoming the great meat it is today. Some ancestors of the modern day Ham were Spam, Vienna Sausages, FHGJ and Balogna. We will discuss these predecessors in detail.

Spam

Spam was around during the Plesticene era, where it thrived among most canned meats with pride. Early in it's evolution, it developed a defensive reflex to emit a foul taste and odor when being attacked or eaten. Or left alone. Although this caused the species to survive a little longer than most, it also made it hard for them to reproduce, and the species began to die out.

Unfortunately, the army screwed things up again and bought a whole load of it, thus ensuring its survival in the meat world.

Vienna Sausages

Vienna Sausages are a scientific marvel. They have developed the ability to lay dormant for years, and still attract homeless people. Usually, upon conception, Vienna Sausages create a protective metal casing and live in a hive of five or six. They start a bright red color, but after years of lying in their own urine, they become a dull pink. Vienna Sausages are very suseptible to peer pressure, so it is not rare to see them in rehab.

FHGJ

FHGJ is a species of lunch meat that dominated dinosaurs during the triassic through the cretaceous. Fortunately, the reign of terror was ended by the Cloverfield monster.

Balogna

During the Triassic period, the dinosaurs kept crushing all the other species of lunch meat. However, a rare mutation developed, thus making the lunch meat completely flat. Because the dinosaurs were unable to skwoosh it, these survived and most other lunch meats died out. Although the bologna is still seen today, it is being outnumbered by salami and ham, as there are no dinosaurs to squish 'em anymore.

Ham Farms

Ham is raised in large farms called Hammocks. No, not really. And that joke was really stupid, so forget I said it. They're actually just raised in farms called ham farms. That's a lot less exciting than "Hammock" but I mean, really. You can't get everything you want.

The average Ham Farm is suspended by intertwining ropes between two trees or other such sturdy objects.

Ham Breeding Patterns

Ham breed with the usual method. Y'all know the drill. Usually, the female begin by draping themselves on beaches in bikinis, and the males don't. They just ogle. If the ogling continues, then nothing happens. If the male takes initiative, then he gets slapped across the face. This is why many hams have opted for adoption or PBR, or parasitic Butchering Reproduction.

Parasitic Butchering Reproduction is a form of reproduction found in viruses, lunch meats, zombies and promotional posters for High School Musical 2. This method of reproduction occurs when one organism overtakes the body of another organism and highjacks the cellular tissue to make babies. :D Usually, the ham will find a host, such as a pig, and kill it. The remains are eviscerated and dismembered, and ham rises from the ashes. Baby hams. :D

The use of the :D

I'm sorry, I got carried away. D:

Ham n' Cheese

Over the years, it has become a popular practice to make a sandwich with ham, cheese and bread. This practice has been institutionalized by Arby's. Also, the word "and" has had the first and last letters removed, but still is generally accepted with only one apostrophe. This removes need for both the "A" and the "D", and ensures advancement of education in the country. If they won't spell it right, then change the spelling.