The SAT is the single most important test you will ever take in your entire life. EVER. Seriously. How well you do on your SAT will determine how good a college you get into, how good your job will be, and how hot your wife will be. If you do a good job on your SAT, your entire existence will be blessed with luck and good fortune, you will make millions of dollars, you will have several wonderful children, and you will live a very long and prosperous life. Likewise, if you do badly on the test, you will live out a long, hard, miserable existence, you won't have any friends, no girls will like you, you will die a lonely, bitter old man, and nobody will remember you. Seriously, if you get a bad score on your SAT, you might as well just put a bullet through your head and avoid the long, painful, meaningless existence you'd otherwise have to endure. But don't stress about taking the test. Remember that if you do not do well you will be punished just like a little Ethiopian child in a torture chamber.
Below, we have an entire SAT prepared for you to take. Be sure to have a number 2 pencil handy. If you use anything else aside from a #2 pencil, your test will be immediately burnt, The FBI will raid your bedroom, seize your pink barbie blanket, show it on international television, make you dance while dressed like a circus clown, you will receive a zero and be attacked by everybody in the school.
No pressure, right?
Section 1: ESSAY
Time - 4.5 seconds... BETTER GET STARTED!
The following essay allows you to creatively express your worthless opinion and show us how fast your hand can move. Take time, but not too much time, to develop your point of view and use your language precisely.
Your answer must be written on the provided answer sheet. You will receive no other paper on which to write. You will have enough space if you write on every line and write legibly.
You will have four and a half seconds to write an essay on the topic below. DO NOT WRITE ON ANOTHER TOPIC. AN OFF-TOPIC ESSAY WILL RECEIVE A SCORE OF ZERO AND IS PUNISHABLE BY RAPE BY EACH MEMBER OF THE COLLEGE BOARD! YOUR FACE WILL BE IN THE WALL OF SHAME AND YOU WILL BE ON THE COMMIE LIST!
|Many believe that the SAT is a test designed by a shadow government attempting to reform America into a subservient nation where all thoughts will be expressed by bubble choices.|
Assignment: What is your opinion on Wilde's claim? I mean, he's wrong, right? RIGHT! Plan and write an essay in which you develop and support our point of view. Your essay will be graded based on your writing quality and not on your opinion, although agreeing with us usually adds a few points. But trust us, some answers are better than others, and we don't want to hear you whining when your scores come back and they're all 20 points lower for some reason. Whose fault is that? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Section 2: MATH
Time - minutes
Directions: For each question, choose the answer that you believe is most appropriate and fill in the corresponding bubble on the answer sheet.
1. 1 + 1 = ?
- (A) 2
- (B) 11
- (C) 3-1
- (D) 2.0
- (E) Trick question
2. 1 + 3 = ?
- (A) 4
- (B) 3 + 1
- (C) The answer to #1
- (D) 0
- (E) Trick question
3. Find the volume of the sun
- (A) *Pass
- (B) Trick question
- (C) Trik kwestshun
- (D) Trick question
- (E) 8
- (A) Yes
- (B) No
- (C) Maybe
- (D) If you are black or hispanic, fill in this bubble, you are exempt from this question.
- (E) Seriously Jesus Christ this guy is blind, what does he care?
5. If Jane has five apples and John has three apples, and they each throw two of their apples at Joe, who has thirteen apples, and Joe hands nine of his apples to Jeremy, who has two apples, right before Jeremy hands one apple to Jill, who gives that apple to Jimmy, who hands that apple to John (a different John than the one before), when the second John has 3.7 times more apples than Jane and Joe combined and Jerry and Jennifer each have sixteen apples more than Jason, who has eleven apples more than Jack, how long will it take for Fox to cancel The Simpsons?
- (A) Fuck apples.
- (B) Chicken
- (C) Germany
- (D) 3 Hours.
- (E) MICHAEL JACKSON WAS INNOCENT! SO WHAT IF HE ADMITTED TO SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED WITH CHILDREN? THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED WITH CHILDREN!
6. There are three people, Bob, Tom, and Sam. Bob has 100 baseballs, Tom has 150 baseballs, and Sam has a baseball bat. After throwing 10 baseballs at Sam, Bob gets fed up with Sam's horrible hitting skills, and begins throwing his remaining 140 baseballs at Sam with an automatic baseball pitcher. Oh, this is not a question, I just thought that I may entertain you with a dumb story. Just pick A, B, C, D, or E.
7. So this question is for the asians out there... If I throw a ball at a bietch (mychonny FTW!) and its path can be described as a parabola, in the equation of -16t^2+9, what the fuck is the maxiumum height?? (hint: use -b/2a BIETCH) BTW i know what u niggas and wiggas thinkin "what duh fawkkkk only duh squinty eyed bannaa know this. ah ching chung" shieet son mychonny ftw
so these are the choices bietch
A. 4 b. 3 c. 2 d.1. e. BOOM!! BIETCH
8. True or false: Math is boring
- (A) TURE
- (B) TRUE
- (C) TRUE!
- (D) I ALREADY SAID TRUE!
Section 3: CRITICIZE YOUR READING
Example A. Time - Twenty-five ______
Which word best completes the above sentence?
- A. Seconds
- B. Minutes
- C. Hours
- D. Apples
- E. Moments
Example B. Turn to Section 3 of your answer sheet to fill in the _____.'
Which word best completes the sentence above?
- A. Seconds
- B. Bubbles
- C. Circles
- D. Balls
- E. Letters
- F. Leave as is, with a period after the
Directions: Read the following selection from my diary. For each question, choose the answer that you believe is the least appropriate or most hilarious and fill in the corresponding thing on the answer sheet. You probably aren't reading this. Every answer for this section is A, so don't worry.
1 Oh em gee, my boyfriend, Jerry, doesn't like me He just thinks I'm so ugly That's why I am going to commit suicide the next day No one will care anyway 5 My mom laughed when I told her I cut myself My boyfriend is imaginary at any rate, And he always makes fun of how fat I am I wish I was dead My best friend thinks so too 10 I called the suicide hotline today I met a guy named Jerry Unfortunately, after an hour of talking He thought it best that I should kill myself I'm just so sad now. 15 I mean, why would my imaginary friend tell me I need therapy? I shouldn't hang out with enablers But who else care about me? Perhaps Jerry? I wish I had a dog. If I did I'll name him Jerry 20 And I'll play with him all the time I bought a noose the other day I suppose I will use it anyway Should I take my clothes off So that whoever finds me will vomit? 25 Then everyone will feel sorry for me And come to my funeral Especially Jerry. Now burn in Dante's Inferno!
1. What is referenced by the line "I bought a noose the other day" (line 4)?
- (A) She's going to commit suicide
- (B) She likes to lynch blacks
- (C) Oops, that was racist
- (D) We are so sorry
- (E) Again, just fill in A, it's correct
2. How would the author explain her life?
- (A) Morose yet fulfilling
- (B) Morose yet fulfilled
- (C) Terrible yet horrible
- (D) Horrible yet terrible
- (E) aaSD:LJfkja;lsdkjrpoeiwuapoi yet poaiaUpotiruewpoiejrlkja;dkf
3. What is the attitude of the passage towards suicide?
- (A) Acceptifilicious
- (B) Happivoracious
- (C) Mephistilationitis
- (D) Subchloridical
- (E) supercalifragulisticexpialidocious
4. Who is Jerry?
- (A) He doesn't exist
- (B) Friend
- (C) Boyfriend
- (D) Father
- (E) Christ
5. What is the speaker's opinion on eating pepperoni pizza after Labor Day?
- (A) Yes
- (B) No
- (C) Maybe
- (D) 42
- (E) Once again, blacks and hispanics are exempt from this question.
- (A) Tinky Winky
- (B) Richard Nixon
- (C) Thor, god of thunder
- (D) A jar of almonds
- (E) Robot Chicken
Section 4: WRITING
Time - 28 days
Directions: Read the following sentences. For each question, choose the pairs that best represents your emotions and fill in the corresponding purdy bubble on the answer sheet.
1. Sally was ____ because she couldn't go to the ____.
- (A) fat around her waist, toilet
- (B) a retard, school
- (C) divorced, marriage counseling
- (D) violent, dojo
- (E) on fire, fire department
2. Yes, there are two ____ you can go by, but in the _____...
- (A) ways, long run
- (B) lights, USS Enterprise
- (C) paths, home run
- (D) pills, Matrix
- (E) children, sweatshops
3. ____ ____!
4. Stop, ______
- (A) in the name of love!
- (B) Hammer Time!
- (C) collaborate and listen!
- (D) children, what's that sound?
- (E) right now, thank you very much, I need somebody with the human touch.
5. ____ dies in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
- (A) Ron
- (B) Harry
- (C) Snape
- (D) Hagrid
- (E) Wait a second, what does this test actually have to do with educational aptitude? So far it's just been a bunch of pop culture references and the occasional in-joke. If you fill this in you hate human beings.
6. ______ wants to rule the world.
|YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 4.|
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN
Section 5: REEDUN...?
Time - 525,600 Minutes
Directions: For each question, choose the pair of words that... wait a minute this section was retired when they added the Writing section. Why is it still in here? Whatever, just fill in the corresponding bubble on the answer sheet.
1. IDEA : LIGHTBULB ::
- (A) TIME : CLOCK
- (B) DEATH : SKULL
- (C) CRIMINAL : OJ
- (D) DANGER : STORM CLOUD
- (E) DANGEROUS CRIMINAL DEATH TIME : CLOCK-SHAPED STORM CLOUD OVER OJ'S SKULL
2. DINOSAURS : EXTINCT ::
- (A) OWLS : NOCTURNAL
- (B) NOCTURNAL : DINOSAURS
- (C) DINOSAURS : THEMSELVES
- (D) PARADOX : PARADOX
- (E) CUCUMBERS : DELICIOUS
3. FATHER : SON ::
- (A) CHARLES MANSON : TEX WATSON
- (B) THE MASK : SON OF THE MASK
- (C) GOD : EVERYBODY (EXCEPT GAY PEOPLE)
- (D) GEORGE H. W. BUSH : A RETARDED MONKEY
- (E) EVERY OTHER GUEST ON MAURY : EVERY ILLEGITIMATE CHILD, EVER
4. PHYSICS : BODY FALLING OUT A WINDOW ::
- (A) CHEMISTRY : BURNING A MAN ALIVE
- (B) AMERICAN HISTORY : SENSELESSLY BEATING A STRANGER TO DEATH
- (C) ENGLISH : SODOMIZING A PRESCHOOLER
- (D) MATH : PUTTING A HOMELESS PERSON INTO A WOODCHIPPER
- (E) WRITING : CUTTING OFF YOUR OWN HEAD WITH A CHAINSAW
5. MINER : DYNAMITE ::
- (A) MINOR : DYNAMITE
- (B) MINER : DYNOMITE!
- (C) MINOR : DYNOMITE!
- (D) J.J. WALKER :: DYNOMITE!
- (E) CONSTRUCTION WORKER : JACKHAMMER
- (F) THERE IS NO F
- (G) SAME AS F
6. PIZZA : BEHEMOTH ::
- (A) FOOD : MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE
- (B) THE POPE : MADONNA
- (C) TRUTH : RECONCILIATION
- (D) BANANA : ROBOT
- (E) E : JOKE ANSWER
|YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 5.|
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE VIOLATED.
Section 6: WRITING
Time - The Day After Tomorrow
Directions: Look at the underlined phrases in the following sentences. For each section, choose the most incorrect word or phrase and fill in the corresponding purdy bubble on the answer sheet. Or you could just choose an answer at random.
1. Gregory was(A) a terrible(B) eater(C) that refused the Declaration of Independence(D) eat rice.
- (A) was
- (B) terrible
- (C) eater
- (D) the Declaration of Independence
- (E) No error
2. Have you gone(A) to see(B) the new(C) movie? Everyone says it(D) is a pile of worthless steaming shit that no one could respect because I mean seriously, what's up with making another sequel?
- (A) gone
- (B) see
- (C) new
- (D) it
- (E) No error
- (A) A
- (B) A
- (C) A
- (D) A
- (E) No error
4. Oure Hoost answerde(A) and seide, "I graunte(B) it thee, now telle on, Roger, looke that it be good, for many a pastee hastow laten blood, and many a Jakke(C) of Dovere hastow soold that hath been twies hoot(D) and twies coold."
- (A) answerde
- (B) graunte
- (C) Jakke
- (D) hoot
- (E) No error
4. Εάν μπορείτε(A) να μεταφράσετε αυτό(B) σωστά(C), είστε πάρα πολύ χρένο(D) έξυπνοι αυτήν την σελίδα.
- (A) μπορείτε
- (B) αυτό
- (C) σωστά
- (D) χρένο
- (E) No error
|YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 6.|
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL RECEIVE CAKE.
Section 7: WHO CARES
Time - Not soon enough
Directions: Look at the clock. 35 minutes left. Fuckin' A. You never actually wanted to take the SAT, especially not today. Once your parents get the scores back, you'll be able to pass it all off with an excuse like "Well I didn't study" or "I was tired". Don't even bother finishing it. This is the part where you get to make cool designs by filling in the bubbles. After they collect all the test booklets in about 45 minutes, you can get the hell out of here.
|YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 7.|
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL HAVE THEIR HOMES BURNT DOWN BY ME.
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