Orphans
“Does this come in White?”
“Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?”
“To lose one parent is tragedy. To lose both means you're probably going to do well out of it, if they were rich and had drawn up a will.”
“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”
“ What happens when you pour self-raising flour on an orphan?”
Orphans: are they really good for anything? In short, NO Yes. Orphans give us the comfort that we aren't the only people in the world that no one loves.
Katie: We should feed them to third world countries and feed them to the blind. Africans will be thankful, after eating the delicious orphan meat. Tender, crisp, juicy and very tasty. ORPHAN MEAT FOR ALL.
BIG WASTE OF MONEY I'D SAY...
Benefits of orphans[edit]
Aside from that, orphans have many practical uses, including the following:
- Food Supply - if a lion at the local zoo gets hungry, we can toss in a few orphans. Like, who's going to miss them – their parents? Their meat has also been known to be perfect sustenance for meat dragons.
- Hallucinogenics - The tears of orphans are most often used as an illegal drug, which often causes feelings of undeserved self worth and hallucinations of a naked Spider-man. Is also the main ingredient in a widely known beer, which will make you think you are an orphan and that you can drink your own tears.
- Test Subjects - If a big, faceless corporation needs to the power of their new super mega human sized blender, then orphans are the perfect match. Ther are two benefits in one: A) a benefit to society by ridding it of a another mouth to feed and B) the company now knows its blender works.
- Cereal Ingredients - use them in new Commie-O's for the little bit of Communism in you. It brings out the Stalin in you! Orphans are the main ingredient of this cereal (they are those chewy bits in it). After all, orphans are a cheap, renewable supply of meat.
- Energy Source - Contrary to previous belief, orphans burn brighter than any known substance and possess an amount of energy surpassing that of lightning. In fact, only 362 orphans in a standard furnace would burn with the intensity of a thousand suns!!!
- Back breaking labor - I'm not gonna break my back if I've got an orphan or two handy.
- Fun and Games - Orphans provide hours of enjoyment for people. Plus they make great left-fielders for the local softball team. Other sports involving orphans include Orphan Hunting, in which nets and tasers are used to subdue wild orphans, and Orphan Fighting in which two orphans are pitted against each other for a piece of raw meat.
- Pets - Bathe them, dress them up in cute little outfits, feed them, train them to do tricks, take them for walks, and show them off to your friends. Toddler and baby orphans are recommended most for this purpose.
- Money Pits - Americans are constantly trying to find some lost cause at which to throw money: orphans are the perfect waste of money.
- There are so many orphans that our children's children can waste their money. Plus, no amount of money can bring their parents back! Unless of course you take the money and make a "life-giver-back machine". But then that's not giving money to orphans, now is it?
- Arts and Crafts - Orphans can be used in the chair-making industry. To make a chair, one simply has to staple two orphans together and dip them in molten plastic. Egg chairs are made in a similar fashion. Orphan hair is widely known to make excellent rug material. Finally, plaster-dipped orphans make excellent statues.
Disadvantages of orphans[edit]
As you can see, orphans are great for many things! Sadly even something so great as an orphan can have its downfalls. Take for instance the following:
- Food supply - Orphans make great food for animals, but to keep them alive we need to feed them and that drains our (the real people's) food supply.
- Energy drain - Orphans don't enjoy living in cardboard boxes in the street and require homes in which to live. These homes, or orphanages, require an ungodly amount of energy to operate.
- Financial drain - The money spent on these orphans could be better utilized elsewhere.
It is argued that orphans are an eyesore, as in they are unpleasant to look at, especially if they are wearing rags, have no shoes and have a muddy face.
Transformation[edit]
It is well known that orphans are the cause of 2/3 of all child related deaths. When the moon is half empty, the orphan will transform into a deadly monster. Mythological stories involving violent gorillas (such as King Kong) are believed to be tales about dangerous orphans. The rumor that an orphan's bite will turn you into one has recently been disproved, but if you survive an orphan attack it probably means that it was full and your whole family is dead... making you an orphan.
Orphan vs. baby seal[edit]
One of those age old stories is whether or not an orphan would be able to defeat a baby seal. Dr. Steve Kranich was very close to a breakthrough, before his torso was devoured by a particularly hungry orphan. Communist Russia attempted to crossbreed orphans and baby seals, but the project was abandoned after dozens of failures. An experiment was conducted by NASA ( Not American Space Association) to send orphans and baby seals to the moon in order to finally see which one would be victorious. They are still waiting on the results. There was another experiment where they cut the heads off orphans and fed them to baby seals, hoping to make a super seal in which could eradicate all orphans. It was finally put to rest that seals are better when Seal Team 6 killed Osama Bin Laden. How many orphans have killed Osama Bin Laden? That's right – NONE!
Orphans as an energy source[edit]
When left alone, or placed in a confined space, orphans are known to produce heat, this heat then allows them to survive without food indefinitely through a completely logical sequence of logical logic. Chip fryers, radiators, steam engines and incubators are all known to use this form of energy. However another key feature of orphans is their pungent smell, one of the world's largest causes of greenhouse gases, making this source of energy extremely dangerous.
Better uses for the money[edit]
Take some of my examples:
- Bath and body products
- The lovely admins who keep Uncyclopedia so great!
- Lower taxes and costs for us real people.
- Weed
- Me – cash only please!
You see the orphans' pros outweigh the cons, but the better uses for the money trump all so we should get rid of orphans.
Orphans: some aren't so bad[edit]
BUT MOST ARE! Here is a list of orphans that have changed the world (or at least the US and parts of Europe). BUT most are dead, and the rest are orphans so... who cares?
- Superman
- Christopher Reeve's son (just became an orphan)
- Free Willy
- The creator of the Wendy's restaurant chain
- Edgar Allen Poe
- Moses
- Ghandi
- Hitler
- Bin Laden And His Movement On Lack Of Freedom For Fatpeople
- Jesus, after his mom died of a heart murmur in 1984
- Leela, a mutant without depth perception.
Return policy and more[edit]
Your complete shopping adoption satisfaction is our number one priority. If an item, dog, midget, orphan you've ordered does not meet your expectations, simply return it either to a store or by mail within 90 days of receiving it, unless otherwise noted below.
Fees and policy[edit]
The fee to adopt an orphan is $10. If you adopt two orphans in one visit, the first orphan's adoption fee is $10 and the second one's adoption fee is only $7. If you adoption three pets orphans during one visit, the first orphan's adoption fee is $10, the second one's adoption fee is only $7, and the third one's adoption fee is only $5.99. Non-traditional orphans such as black people, Jews, chimpanzees, guinea pigs, Communists, etc. are available at various adoption fees. Please call the Center at 236-786-77426 (adopt-orphan) for more information about our non-traditional adoption fees.
All orphans are spayed or neutered by our staff veterinarian PRIOR to leaving the orphanage. There are NO exceptions.
- Please note: We do not ship or arrange transportation for adopted pets.
We have cookies![edit]
I have discovered that orphans mixed with secret ingredients make great cookies. For instance, one of those secret ingredients is deliciousness, so invest in my company to give me money. Or if you have some spare orphans around the house, leave your address at 1-800-GOT ORPHANS. Once again, that's: 1-800-GOT ORPHANS, or visit us at our website: www.orphcookies.org