Free Willy

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Keiko "Free Willy" begging the cameraman for help: "Kei-ko-phone-home."

“I could go for a free willy right about now!”

~ Noel Coward on Free Willy

“I thought it was porn...”

~ Your weird neighbor on Free Willy

Free Willy is a heart-wrenching 1993 box-office franchise from Warner Brothers in which a group of teenagers help set a long-captive killer whale (okra) free while keeping the actual actor behind bars in Reino Aventura Animal Prison, Mexico City. The movie takes an amusing turn when the "killer" whale lives up to its name and kills and eats all the children in the movie. The runaway success of Free Willy secured the executive support for a sequel, The Hunt for Red October.And sucks on huge dicks.

The actor and Australia[edit]

The aquatic star of this film was captured in Iceland in 1979 and named Keiko or 'Lucky One' by Japanese Whalers, only because he wasn't going to end up on their dinner plate the next day.

While extraordinary attempts to infiltrate and extract Keiko into a friendlier environment in the form of chain letters and e-mails failed, the Australian Security and Intelligence Organization successfully executed operation Get-Em-Mate in 1996 which saw him evacuated to Oregon Coast Aquarium where he was admitted to the critical rehabilitation ward.

Despite this attempt in goodwill but more importantly as a display of power and enthusiasm to forge a strong partnership with the United States, the Australian Government was unable to convince President Clinton that they were worthy of any serious attention.


Following his bout with pneumonia, Willy finally got his wheels.

“...the foundation is committed to seeing that Keiko is taken care of for the rest of his life. Not that there was much of it left. Man I hate whales.”

~ Tokei-Tai on Keiko

In 1998 the KGB accidentally mistook Keiko for Kim Phibly in a swift airlift evac and upon realising their error dropped him off at Iceland. Although the caretakers there attempted to prepare him for the wild, it was a comparable act to training a 4WD vehicle to drive indoors, and subsequently he suffered. Upon his 'release' he immediately fled to Norway on an 870-mile trek for human companionship finding himself at the village of Halsa where he allowed the local business workers to ride him to work.

Unfortunately this was not to last, as a Tokei-Tai (Japanse Naval Secret Police) operative working undercover in the local Animal Protection Authorities banned him from any human activity under the guise of its own welfare.

He was exiled to Taknes Bay in 2002 away from the mass human contact on which he thrived on.

On Saturday, December 13, 2003, CNN published his death from pneumonia under the 'Entertainment' section, and only because they found it amusing.

Some believe that free willy is still alive wondering around the Navada desert. And sucks on more huge dicks.

See also[edit]