God is not Great: The Movie
|Writers||Christopher Hitchins, Richard Dawkins, Mr Winkler|
|Runtime||One-Hundred and twenty (120) Minutes|
|Language||English, Arabic, Latin, Aramaic, 1337, Hebrew, AAAAAAAAA, German, Russian and binary|
|Distributed by||Uncyclomedia Films|
|Plot Keywords||Stupidity/Atheism/Worst 100 Movies of All Time/Kitten Huffing/More Kitten Huffing|
God is not Great: The Movie was a feature length motion picture released in 2007 by Uncyclomedia Foundations. The script is loosly based on Christopher Hitchins polemic and cookery book God is not Great, or Religion Poisons Everything although several characters in the film do not appear in the book.
The idea of turning "God is not Great" (also shortened to GinG) into a film came as a shock to Hitchins, who believed modern film making techniques would not live up to his expectations. Despite this, and partly due to pressure from Professor Richard Dawkins, (currently awaiting trial for vandalising public transport) Hitchins gave his blessing to production in 2006. In a speech to the American Atheist Association he said "I believe it would be a good way to get the teachings of atheism to a wider audience".
The film is a classic subjective notion of good fighting notions which are subjectively held to be evil by the same party. The director Captain Obvious said "This film is going to contain moving pictures and sounds". The film opens with a dramatic scene of a Hindu preacher shamelessly trying to convince thousands of people that their short, pointless and totally accidental lives had some kind of special cosmic meaning. As part of the crowd a young Christopher Hitchins watches and listens, knowing only he can convince the people how superfluous and unsubstantiated the preacher's words are.
Then with little explanation the action cuts to Hitchins, now a 36 year old journalist with a steady job, a happy family and a great deal of very well rounded friends. While making plans to spend the summer vacation in Hawaii with his incredibly hot wife and super smart kids, made possible by his uber-high sallary, six Christians and eight Muslims break into his house and begin spraying the place with machine-gun fire. Hitchins, confident in his ability to replace any wall plaster damaged grabs the semi-automatic his bizarely keeps within arm reach at all times, and with numerous cartwheels manages to kill each of the invading theists until the room is a mess of dead bodies and plaster. He surveys the damaged but bloodless room overconfidently. The lack of blood enables Hitchins' eight year old daughter to come and kill the last survivor by hurling a baseball at him before he pulls his pistol at Hitchins, without the scene seeming too innapropriate for a child.
Several plot holes later, the action then goes to England where Professor Richard Dawkins makes plans to fly to America to find an American who can help him with a problem which came up in England and requires the help of an American. When he gets to America he is met by Hitchins at the airport, who helps Dawkins smuggle some ancient atheist treasure past airport security by shoving the item up Dawkins's anus. During the insertion Dawkins is heard to blurt out "Oh I say", "Goodness me!", "By George", "Oh my, God Save the Queen" and other things British people say when having key plot devices placed in their rectum.
The film is complete and utter crap.
In the final scene Hitchins has been kidnapped by believers and forced to convert at gunpoint. As he kneals to accept the wine and bread from an effeminate vicar, the pope gives a premature monologue praising the defeat of the last bastion of atheism. Once the waffer has been placed in Hitchins mouth and the wine has touched his lips, his mouth begins to froth. A vast explosion from his mouth kills the effeminate vicar and horribly burns the pope. Dumbfounded Jesus sniffs the wine and discovers it contains Cola. Realising the messiah has figured out the truth Hitchins says "That's right you son of a bitch, I substituted the wine for Coke and the waffers for... you guess it, Mentos." At hearing this Jesus realises that the transubstantiation process means his body and blood have now changed into an explosive concoction of Cola and Mentos respectively. With one final cry of "Nooooooo!" Jesus explodes in a blast of frothy Cola. After some really cool lightening the Pope is thrown into the core of St. Peter's Basillica, which causes a colourful cloud of gas to emerge, but then receed, as if symbolising how the world is finally saved from Christianity.
Notable Scenes and Dialogue
The film is noted for its excessive violence and bleak modernist depictions of pre-teen masturbation with scenes often lasting eight minutes at a time. Themes such as the God question, human suffering, the nature of happiness and post-colonial millenarian subsects in East Africa are explored throughout the film, perhaps one of the most fundamental scenes depicting the synthesis of these themes is the much maligned "lapdancer scene" in which writer Philip Pullman seduces eight young lapdancers and ejaculates over each girl's face in turn. Afterwards Pullman leaves and Hitchins asks the girls "So babes, how did y'all like His Dark Materials?". This and other scenes have been interpreted widely; social commentator Racos Edliw complained of the disturbing mix of misogyny and modernity, which he said "held a shattered darkened mirror up to ourselves which nevertheless manages to reflect truth from the utmost depths of the soul".
Atheist Bus Bomb Scene
Hitchins answers a public telephone.
- Pope Benedict XVI: I've put the Holy Hand Grenade on the bus, if thou shalt count to three, counting to two only to proceed on to three, the bomb will arm, if the number of thy counting reaches four the bomb will be lobbed and thou, being naughty in his sight, shall snuff it.
- Christopher Hitchins: What the fuck are you talking about?
On the atheist bus, Richard Dawkins takes the wheel.
- Richard Dawkins: We're in trouble! I counted to three just a few minutes ago. Alright nobody count to four, we're gonna get through this with a little rational thought.
- Old Black Woman: Oh God save us!
- Richard Dawkins: You might as well be asking for a cosmic teapot to save us.
After being invited to dinner by Cardinal Paedo, Christopher Hitchins realises his mistake.
- Christopher Hitchins: What the fuck did you put in this Cardinal Paedo?
- Cardinal Paedo: Why, you are drinking nothing more than the finest champaign, with a little added... religion to make things interesting!!!
- Christopher Hitchins: You bastard! Argh *coughs* slurp.
- Cardinal Paedo: It's all up for you I'm afriad. I shall see you in Hell Mr Hitchins.
- Christopher Hitchins: No, I don't think you will.
After killing all the pagans single-handedly Hitchins looks on at the carnage before turning his attention to the giant wicker man encasing Richard Dawkins.
- Richard Dawkins: Come on then let me out.
- Christopher Hitchins: (lights a cigarette with match) You think I'd help you after what you did to me? (throws match on the pyre, which quickly ignites)
- Richard Dawkins: Ahh God No I'm burning Save Me!!!! Please Christopher I'm sorry!
- Christopher Hitchins: (Turns away dismissively) I don't owe you anything. (but suddenly turns back and extiguishes the flames with a hitherto unseen fire hose).
Reaction to the film as a whole was almost universally negative. Although some individual scenes did receive praise from a few commentators the vast majority of people both critics and the general public felt the "God is not Great: The Movie" was truly awful. It was panned for its derivative script, self-indulgence towards the main protagonists, its overly unnecessary overuse of adjectives and adverbs and conjunctions, its totally unconcealed desire to offend for no good purpose and the heavy use of subtitles even when the dialogue was in English. Director Captain Obvious explained that "I'm the director, I tell people what to do; we're making a movie."
Among the film's most maligned aspects was the number of lies and half-truths perpetuated about world religions, some of the most contentious of which are listed below.
- The film portrays all religion as an evil conspiracy masterminded by Jesus, but as the Reformed Methodist church in America stated Jesus only existed in Dinosaur times, and most likely could not understand English and probably didn't speak with a German accent.
- The film states that the Salt Lake City production of the play "Seventy Brides for Seven Brothers" was premiered in May 1995, the actual premier was not held until August.
- Hitler is portrayed as an "enemy of reason and of scientific principles" but as Conservapedia founder Andrew Schafley pointed out Hitler was a proponent of Social Darwinism, which English Naturalist Charles Darwin was totally responsible for, hence all science and reason is undeniably identical to Nazism.
- The film quotes many statistics (at least five hundred percentage figures are quoted) which purport to show atheists are less violent, racist, stupid, racist or repetitive than theists, but of course statistics are all bollocks.
These and other alleged inaccuracies have led to several law suits against Uncyclomedia and Hitchins personally. In 2008 Hitchins said of the litigants "You can all go suck my dick, you sue me and I'll sue your fucking God." Despite the threat of counter-action the injunctions continue.
“A mildly entertaining two hours, but too unlike the book to really work.”
“Hmm where did I put my Jihading Megaphone”
“Never have I seen anything so offensive!”
“Oh it was totally awesome, there was a car and this guy, no... I think it was a bus, but anyway there was this guy and he said something and then he did something and then his wife showed up, or it might have been his sister then they got in the car I mean bus and there was all these explosions and gunshots and this guy says some totally cool things like "Transubstantiate this, assholes" I think he said asshole Mummy was a dumb idiot and covered my ears, then she covered my eyes cos I think the man and woman were having some sex in the bus, or maybe there was some willies or something yay!”
“Down with this sort of thing!”
“Oh no! Sally, Jessica, Rachel, Mary, Gloria, Hannah, Sarah, Sally II, Maurie: get me my phone, I need to call my Lawyer.”
“If it doesn't do well, it will be because of religion!”