Jesus Christ

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Remarkable healer, trenchant pastor, incarnate logos, and noted pugilist, depicted here after a respectable fourteen rounds with Jacob.

Jesus (also referred to as Jesus of Nazareth or Jesus Christ; born December 25, 0 CE) is the main character in the 27-part comedic tragedy series, The New Testament. He was a pretty cool dude from back in the day; some say he was a great man. Hell, 2.1 billion people think he was THE Man!

Jesus lived a long time ago and nobody knows what color he was, so most people pretend he was white, since most important races are. A lot of people make Jesus seem like he was an uptight dude, but really he just liked to laugh with his buddies, chill out with the disciples, and enjoy a good rave on Friday nights. He also briefly frontlined the highly successful band The Havah Nagillahs, which failed after the background musicians walked out to form the chart-topping rap group The Twelve Disciples (a.k.a. D12). Controversially, Jesus had a false arm, which he often kept in a shed for safe keeping. Further still, he was noted for many famous sayings (see: Famous sayings of Jesus) many of which were cribbed from The Bible.

The majority of series is set in and around the year 0 CE. It tells the tale of a young Jewish boy who is raised In Israel, and while studying religious texts, he begins believing that his true father is the almighty God mentioned in the scripts. At 30 years old, he sets out on his quest to coerce people into believing his fantasies, and preaching to any desperate man who will listen that he is the savior of world, and without him everyone and everything would cease to exist.

Finally, at the age of 33, he was crucified by the Roman Empire because they were jelly of his fame. His body was buried in a tomb, and three days after his death, his body was stolen by grave robbers. However, avid fans, followers, and imitators of The New Testament insist that an angel from Jesus' books came to life and took him back to Heaven.

Birth and early life

The Adoration of Starch, oil on canvas, 1432.

Jesus came into being under the oddest of circumstances. After several thousand years of hard work, Jesus' father God decided that massive floods and torturous plagues weren't the best ways to go about winning the hearts of his people. God later claimed that He "always wanted a son" that he could teach pro football. He soon realized that, although He could kick your ass, football was not among his many talents. He then fell back on his Plan B: teaching His son to become the figurehead of the world.

God decided that he needed a poster boy to win over the population of the world. As God later stated in an interview: "I needed someone who was tall, handsome, witty, and had a winning personality." Then came the Virgin Mary and Joseph, two strikingly thin and attractive teens who wanted nothing more than to get married and make babies (Joseph did, anyway). "She was a cool girl," quoteth God. "You have no idea how surprised I was that she was a virgin. Seriously. I didn't know that you could show that much cleavage while wearing a robe." In any case, she was the perfect mother for Christ. She was getting ready to marry Joseph, but he was very understanding. So when Mary was approached by an angel, Gabriel, she was still technically a virgin. At least, that was her story.

Late one night, God supposedly came to Mary and impregnated her. Joseph was too busy clubbing with some rowdy Arimathean hooligans to notice that the Holy Creator of Everything was screwing his wife. In fact, after that fateful night, Joseph would be inexplicably struck with a bad case of the Impotence for the rest of his day. Which really must have sucked for him. I mean, the guy is pretty much the stepfather of Salvation, and he gets pretty much screwed over. Seriously! Jesus was supposed to the one who can't know a woman, but dear ol' Joe can't even get it up. Oh well. As God would state in a later interview, "his shit got RUINED."

When Joseph first heard Mary's story about God sleeping with her, he didn't believe her and wanted to divorce Mary. But, then, Gabriel, the Angel of the Lord, flew down and scared the beejees out of him, saying, "If you don't stay with that chick Mary, God will strike you down where you stand! Understood?" Joseph understood, and promptly wet himself. For the next nine months, Joseph and Mary wandered the Middle East, doing nothing in particular (see Holy Bible for details).

When it came time to deliver Jesus, Mary and Joseph found themselves passing through the funky convention town of Bethlehem. Currently hosting a major governmental convention, all the inns and taverns were full. Even the brothels had no beds to spare (Fun Fact: In those days, brothels were soup kitchens). Lacking a suitable place to give birth, Joseph and Mary started poking around in stables, desperately looking for a hay pile or something. At last, they found an innkeeper who offered use of the shed out back (It is now known that he actually had a room available; he was just a douche). After slipping on an excrement-covered floor and falling headfirst into a manger, Mary popped out the son of God, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Jesus was born on December 25 '0 CE' in a pig's eating bowl, and somehow this made a star shine brightly. Then three wise guys brought the infant gold, frankincense, and myrrh which means absolutely nothing to a newborn. But at least they weren't as stingy as the shepherd, who brought the kid nothing. Same goes for the angel, and imagine what an angel could give you, but still, nothing. Jesus Christ, what does a god have to do to get a gift around here?

Jesus was just like any other regular kid growing up. He enjoyed spending long hours in the temple, speaking to himself in metaphors, while the other kids chucked grapes at his head. At age 8, he learned how to walk on water to make up for his lack of ability to swim, impressing his swim coach.

Teachins', preachins', and miracles

The J-Man enjoyed surfing in his custom-made surfboard, which also doubled as a small boat to preach his stuff.

Like most destructive liberals, Jesus decided to disobey The Man, and broke every societal standard set during the time period. He aligned himself with twelve gangsters and lowlifes, curiously named "The Disciples". Members of this group included a conniving tax collector, some lazy fishers, and a man who would ultimately betray Jesus to his death. Jesus also refused to stone people for petty crimes, wore open-toed sandals, and talked to women.

Obviously, being such a rebel gained Jesus quite the reputation. Nevertheless, it is believed that the main reason for why he opposed stoning people for petty crimes was because he wanted to collect those rocks to suit his greater goal, completed in 543 B.C.: help the Mayans build the pyramids. Needless to say, Jesus was not as bright as many people said he was. With these twelve followers, Jesus began to monopolize the construction industry, and his "career" as an architect of triangular modernity took off.

Soon, Jesus became wildly popular and admired, to the point where everyone liked Him and wanted to hang out with Him. His popularity was attributable to His highly entertaining, and often useful, "miracles", not to mention He had the best wine this side of the River Jordan. If you were crippled, sick, deaf, dumb, or blind, you could just go to Jesus, and He'd put His hands on you and heal you. That certainly made Him very popular. For this reason, Jesus' hands were in high demand back then.

Jesus' miracles were always interesting, and often had a little moral lesson that went along with them. They included:

  • Turned water into wine.
  • When a bunch of people came to see Jesus and forgot to bring lunch, he whipped up an amazing Lobster Fra Diavolo con Linguine.
  • Turned a chariot into a Ferrari 250 Testarossa[1]
  • Turned a piece of wood into a Stickman Sandpiper surfboard.[2]
  • Sang better than Freddie Mercury.
  • Could surf pretty well.
  • Baked the most incredible fudge brownies ever

Jesus began to care about some of his disciples more than the others, such as John. He told John to write a book, get a deal with Walden, publish it, and then make it into a movie. He also told John to not use the names of some of the loser disciples because they suck, so Jesus changed the twelve disciples (later known as the 12 Apostles) to John, Peter, Doubting Thomas, eight other guys, and Judas, aptly titled "Lord of the Sucky Friends".


Thank God for no more nails...

But with fame comes eventual failure. Roman governor Herpatitis accused Jesus of "gross endangerment of the public at large", though we all know he was just jealous of his popularity.

Jesus said one day that Judas was going to betray him and everybody was confused. Judas explained that with Jesus out of the picture he could hire the Russian Mafia to brutally rape the rest of them and then have complete control over Jesus's merchandise. Judas then left cackling and saying how he would never regret this. Jesus then told John to snap a picture of this because it was a Kodak moment, he also told him to address a letter to Dan Brown and tell him not to go overboard on the sequels cause they're only gonna get worse.

Finally, Jesus gave his final address. He told John and Peter to beware the three Antichrists, and ordered the other nine disciples to get lost because they were all gonna die in a gang war. He ate at the Last Supper, then went off to die.[3]

Herpatitis got a little cocky and decided that instead of doing the honorable thing to a level 80 mage, stoning him, he would instead crucify him. His minions nailed Jesus to a cross, killed him, and then threw him into a tomb. He died for your sins and all that fun stuff. His last words are commonly reported to be, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." and "Hey, I can see my house from here..."

A heretical sect believes that Jesus actually died by slipping in the tub. They are known as Baathists, and are frequently warred against by true Christians. They can be identified by the use of a small gold or silver shower head around their necks instead of a cross; and rather than crossing themselves, they wave their arms in circles as if losing their balance, while repeating "whoa whoa whoa".

Some conspiracy nuts think that crucifixion was an inside job. Some Conspiracy theorist say that Judas betrayed Jesus. According to these conspiracy theorists, Judas was bribed by the Sanhedrin, the CIA or as some predict the local Donkey keeper becase Jesus didn't keep his promise of paying for his donkeys.


But Jesus was just too amazing to let a little thing like death stop Him. Three days later, He rose from the dead, danced around for a bit, and then went back to Heaven!

Even though Jesus hasn't appeared openly on Earth since then, His popularity in the modern world remains as high as ever. However, many modern historians (and other worshipers of science) are often baffled by the amount of attention is paid to this 2,000-year-old Jew.

Interpretations and analysis


According to Mormons, Jesus was the living son of Elmo who was born when Elmo...well um...You know with a human woman. Satan is his annoying kid sister who messes up all of his experiments and speaks in a high voice all the time. Mormons are weird like that.

Savior of the World

In the story, and according to Christians, Jesus became the Savior of the entire world. As you would expect this story shares many elements with other works of fiction with a "savior" character such as Frodo Baggins from The Lord of the Rings, Connor MacLeod from Highlander or Flash Gordon from the eponymous series. Each has to save the world from evil, although in the case of Jesus, nobody wants, or needs to be saved. In an additional juxtaposition to most other savior stories, Jesus does not use violence to accomplish his goals, but instead uses the threat of violence to force his will upon others. Finally, the character of Jesus when observed by anyone other than a "Christian" is very much an antagonist. While Satan (the antihero of the series) wants everyone to drink, party, and get laid, Jesus denounces these things, and threatens all who partake to eternal suffering. For a reason we still don't understand, "Christians" can't internalize the inconsistencies of Jesus' character, or his teachings within the story. They believe just as Jesus did that carnal and visceral pleasures are evil, but they can't tell you why without bringing Jesus into discussion; circular logic. This makes it nearly impossible to approach any self proclaimed fan of the "New Testament" series with a counter argument, because if it doesn't fit in with Jesus' teachings, it can't be considered canon to the story, and is therefore dismissed.

Many Names

As a figure appearing again and again in classical tales and historical scripts, the name of Jesus has frequently been changed to local dialects or to reflect different aspects of society.

Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is a completely unrelated entity and most Christians deny all association with this group of individuals.


Since Jesus was the Son of God and savior of the Earth, the guy could very clearly get whatever girl he wanted, and he had four wrapped around his finger from the get-go. He was extremely skilled in the art of seduction as well, yet he never slept with a woman! Why was this? There are two possibilities:

  1. He told John to erase that part because it wasn't very holy.
  2. He was too busy laughing and mocking the pathetic and hypocritical Atheists to care about sex.


Claiming at ten to be the savior of mankind Jesus began marketing his W.W.J.D. (What Would Jesus Do) bracelets to younger unsuspecting children. Unfortunately, most of his customers were subsequently beaten when they told their fathers and mothers they spent three silver pieces on some ten year old's bracelets. Jesus also tried to sell Christmas trees and Easter bunnies during most holiday seasons, but everyone in Bethlehem was a Jew.


  1. This would have been highly impractical, due to a shortage of petrol stations in the 1st century.
  2. Not so much impractical as inferior, since he had that "walking on water" trick.
  3. Because the two events occurred one day after the other, The Last Supper often overshadows The Last Poker of the previous evening, when Jesus and His 12 Apostles held their final Wednesday night Poker game.

See also

The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy
CRLHladders.jpg Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan

Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Jeez, & The Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan
After a few drinks: Daddyo, Laddyo, & The Spook
Bottom Rung, the Holy Tripod: Gah, Jesús, & the Holy Rock, opposed by Santa
Fell off the Ladder: Goo, Jazz, and Hollywood, opposed by Stalin