Unquotable:Jesus Christ

""I'll have you know that you're the reason I wept that one time."

Jesus H Christ is one of history's most-quoted personages, perhaps quoted even more than Oscar Wilde, Anonymous, and Alan Greenspan combined. However, popular novelists such as Dan Brown, James Joyce, and Dean Koontz have suggested that many Jesus quotes are not entirely authentic, or have "lost something in the translation" — given the long series of reinterpretations from the original Hebrew spoken tradition, to the first biblical writings in Greek, to the current Rick James Version of the Bible.

The following list will ensure that the reader's use of Jesus quotes is as accurate as possible. This minimizes the risk of offending, angering, or inducing lawsuits by various Christian individuals and groups — freeing them, as well, to use things He actually said in support of positions He would never have taken.

Jesus on the Bible

• "Oh, you mean the Torah."
• "What the fuck? Stone gays? Don't eat shellfish and pork? What idiot wrote this garbage?"
• "I was the son of a carpenter in a time of significant illiteracy, and most of it was written down well before I was born, or well after my death. So why do people claim that it's my word?"
• "I wish they'd stop stealing shit from the Babylonians."
• "If I am the way, the truth, and the life, then why do all these TV preachers spend all their time peddling their books instead of preaching from the one the claim is mine?"

Jesus on Being the Messiah

"Guess what, kids! Today we're going to learn about kitten huffing!"

• "You're not my real dad, Joseph!"
• "I think the best reason to believe in me is merely because you were born into a Christian household."
• "It's easy to be the Messiah. The hard thing is getting people to stop screwing with the concept."
• "I died to change a rule that I made! That's what you call playing fair."
• "I do not come to call the righteous, but to call sinners to repentance. So it's a good thing I've got one of those Unlimited Free Long Distance plans."
• "Every day this week I've picked up my cell and toyed with the idea of calling the Father, and telling him that I've decided to take some time off from this Savior shit, maybe visit India or something, I don't know, it's just...these people are not getting it, not even the ones who are most "into" it...in fact, they're often worst. I don't know...Ask me again next week."
• "It's not surprising at all that the Beatles were bigger than Me, back in the day. That's just how it was during the Sixties."
• "I wouldn't dare go with that hippie look if I were saving the souls of humanity today. I'd probably just wear a nice casual suit, and probably lose the sideburns, too."

Jesus on Being Jewish

• "The Jews are God's Chosen People. I'm not sure why He chose them, but He's top banana, so I just fly with what He says. Although personally, I'd have picked the Maori tribesmen of New Zealand, since they have cooler tattoos."
• "Why should I care what Pat Robertson wants, if I'm Jewish?"
• "I don't see what the big deal is - it's not like I miss having my foreskin, and you have to admit that bathing is much more efficient this way."
• "I was the child of a Jewish mother, and lived near where Asia, Africa, and Eastern Europe meet. Why do you keep painting me as caucasian with blue eyes?"
• "Christian literally means 'Christ like.' So if your goal really is to be more like me, here's where you start; convert to Judaism!"

Jesus on Hell

• "It's a good place to party, but I wouldn't want to live there"

• "Satan really isn't all that bad. He fills up my churches faster than I ever could."

• "What? Crucify me? When hell freezes over! Judas, where are you going?"

Jesus on Being and Time

"It's the cause that refreshes!"

• "Heidegger and I were in this French restaurant one night, and he asks me to produce some poached salmon and a bottle of Chateau Mouton Rothschild for him because he's skint. So I did, 'cuz that's what I do, and you know what that little existentialist dorkwad goes and does? That's right, he sends it back to the kitchen! Tells the waiter he really ordered Chilean sea bass and a vodka martini! What an asshole!"
• "Since time is immutable, and existence is subjective, doesn't it stand to reason that transcendence is essentially non-temporal? Which would mean I could just show up whenever I wanted, and people could finally stop being so moronically obsessed with all that crap."
• "I actually disagree with Heidegger's fundamental aesthetic; the thingly quality of a thing is actually indistinguishable from the workly quality of the work, because nobody really gives a damn about either concept. Oops, sorry, I'm not supposed to use the D-word. (Disagree, that is.)"
• "If I really am an essential aspect of the God-construct, then I'm always everywhere, effectively transcending being and time. Which means I totally saw what you were doing on your computer just now."

Jesus on His Second Coming

• "Eventually, people will realize that I'm deliberately not coming back on dates that someone has predicted I'll come back, just to get people to stop making all these stupid predictions. It even says He will come like a thief in the night. What kind of thief rings ahead to make an appointment?"
• "When I do return, the first people to be damned for all eternity will, of course, be the idiots who use the public interwebs for propaganda purposes.
• "For My sake, people, where I'm going to show up doesn't matter — but do you really think it would be someplace like Utah or Missouri, when there are places like Tahiti, St. Croix, and the Greek Isles available? At least give me some credit."
• "I tellya, if I do show up for a second round, trust me, it won't be anywhere west of Pittsburgh."

• "I recommend a last-minute redemption strategy. No point in doing it now!"
• "As long as they don't expect me to feed 5000 people again. I mean most people do hospitality before they make their break into stardom."
• "Yeah, I'm coming. Just a few more levels."
• "I'm too lazy to come back. I asked my dad to flood you out like last time. It's easier."
• "Last time I came as a member of an oppressed minority denouncing the corrupt system; next time I will come the same way, which is bad news for you, white America."

Jesus on the Romans

• "The Son of Man will be delivered into the hands of men, at which point he's basically toast. And after three days, He will rise out of that toaster. Be sure to have some butter and jam handy."
• "You know, I went to school with Pontius Pilate. I stole his girlfriend, senior year. He was all like, 'Jesus, I'm gonna make you pay, and I'll make damn sure of that,' but then he went off to Rome, and I thought I was home free. Boy, did that turn out to be anything but true."
• "Well, they did eventually pick up my faith. At least we can all agree that they're better people that the Americans."
• "That centurion sounded exactly like John Wayne."

Jesus on God

• "It's my way or no way, pal. Nobody gets to see the Boss except through Me. Got that? Oh, and John, if you decide to write that one down, could you make it sound a little less, I dunno, mobbish?"
• "No one is good but God alone. Frankly, if you get God into a room with some other all-powerful deity, He gets kinda cranky."
• "The reason you never see or hear from him is cause he really doesn't like you. I hate to tell you that. I thought you would have got the hint by now."
• "Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."
• "Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. God, however, shows his to everyone."
• "He's not a very good father. First, he date rapes my mom and makes abortion a sin, then he comes back 18 years later and tells me that he's my dad, not Joseph, without even consulting my mom, and expects me to just accept him. Then, he makes me join the family business instead of being a carpenter like I wanted. Then, he gets me in trouble with the Romans and the Pharisees, and everyone knows how that turned out."

Jesus on The Church

• "First Peter, then Linus, then Anacletus... all the way down to this latest guy, and not a decent haircut in the lot. I mean, it's not like they can't afford it."
• "Cynicism is waaaaaaaaaaay over-rated!"
• "When did mega-millions become more important than starving little ones?
• "Where can I get a PopemobilePopemobile?"
• "There's no i in disciple. Pardon? How am I supposed to know - it's not like I'm literate."
• "Eat my body? Drink my blood? He did what with an altar boy? What kind of perverts did these people turn into? Grab my hat O'Malley, I'm outta here."
• "Wait, wait, wait, hold on, I didn't come here to start a religion! Why would I do that? I came down to show you idiots how pathetic religion was! I mean I was healing people one day and these 'religious leaders' told me to stop because it was Sunday. Why? Oh that's right, because Sunday is Do nothing day right? Well than how about we all stop breathing huh? I mean why not? If we're breathing we're working so let's all just stop breathing together! Whoo! Religion Rules!
• "Uhm... does it bother no one that your God is of a different religion than you?"

Jesus on War

• "Why would I want to start a messy shooting war with the non-believers when I can just have the Hand of God crush them with far less time and effort? Besides, they've got Muslims for that sort of thing."

• "Beware of practicing your piety before men, if it's only to be seen by them. Also beware of practicing your masturbating before men, because they'll think you're... you know, stoning potential. Unless you're female, in which case they'll get upset anyway, because you'll just be rubbing it in."
• "You should love your neighbor as yourself, but that doesn't necessarily mean you should go over to his house and give him a handjob."
• "If your 6-year old son asks you why his puppy died, you should tell him it's because I willed it. I didn't, of course, but it's always best to scare the kids with my gnarly mental powers early on."

Jesus on You

• "And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have a sufficient account balance."
• "Verily I say, give unto Sid Caesar those things that are Sid Caesar's. He was a pretty funny guy, actually."
• "You have no idea what I would do, but I can promise you this - I never paid to wear a piece of rubber around my wrist with WWID stamped into it."

See Also

• God
• Wilford Brimley

The Sacred Host of Major Jesii

Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus.
Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself; the one who started it all!	Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus
Jebus: Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother	Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus
Evil Jesus: Drunken saviour, friend of whores and thieves.	Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware
Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes!	Your own: Personal Jesus
Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere!	¿Qué?: Jesús
Ultra Jesus: All Jesii wrapped into one	Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus
The moral superiority of being religious, without the calories: Jesus Lites™	Back with a vengeance! Zombie Jesus
Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish: Enough said.	Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus

The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii

Disco Jesus: Knows how to love you	What would Jesus smoke? Sweet smoking Jesus
Jesus of Nazareth: Singer and Songwriter	Salvation by Trickle-Down: Supply-side Jesus
Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: He drank TOO much wine.	Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification: Messiah
For your tiny sins: MicroJesus	Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus
Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone	He's blonde, cultish, and believes in racial purity. No, he's not a Nazi, he's Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV	An alpha prototype Christ: Jesus 1.5a
Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find	The one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something: Jesus LaBrie
MC Jesus: The Jewish Rap Sensation

The So-So Company of Other Jesii

Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus.
Monster Jesii
Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard	Save yourself from Werejesus!
Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark	And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus
Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out!	This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus
Munchie Jesii
Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good.	Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus
Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES!	Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick!