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“I was actually on fairly good terms with him, until that sub-par review I gave him in Variety. Talk about snippy.”

~ H. P. Lovecraft on Cthulhu

Problems? Just Ask Cthulhu!

Quoting the Dread Cthulhu is a game invented by the Mad Arab Paula Abdul Alhazred in the year 730 CE while writing his magnum opus, al Azif, later retitled the Star Wars Guide to Pathetic Loserdom — and soon to be made available for the first time in paperback, with a foreword by Al Roker and a special Esperanto translation by Ayn Rand look-alike Leonard Peikoff.

In effect, the light-hearted, often silly game provided him and his family with some much-needed wholesome fun and tension relief during the long hours of recording the abhorrent mystical incantations used to summon a wide variety of ancient otherworldly demons such as Shrub Niggurath; the batlike Nyarlathotep, avatar of the blind idiot-god Azathoth; the infinite Yog-Sothoth; the fun-loving Mazelthoth; and the just-plain-old-boring Thoth. Not to mention the hideous Shoggoths, Visigoths, Nihilist Poseur Goths, Teenage Mutant Ninja Goths, Sylvia Tóths, frog-mutants, hamsters, cute puppies, and men in bunny suits mentioned in the terrifying Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Book of Eibon.

This is not to say that the game is without its challenges. Cthulhu's hideously obscene-sounding guttural dialect is nearly unpronounceable by human tongues, so misspellings often occur. Even the most famous saying about Cthulhu, "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" ("In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming"), is often embarrassingly misspelled in such a way as to be translatable as "In a sushi restaurant in Ryloth topless Cthulhu waits tables."[1]

Quotes Attributed to Cthulhu

"Ewglu phln'slghn hngl'wi. Krha'gr br'clnuilha wgah'rly'ueh v'glua n'gl." "Chicks dig the tentacles. That's why I keep 'em where they can see 'em."
"Plg'lugn hwahghi shoggoth'hu gnu'ingldyah, hfir'ln plg'luinh ph'thahnl." "You can lead a shoggoth to water, but you can't make him de-solidify."
"Hng'uathua ngrlg'ngh t'krghu fteghn'uiangh-ikh'raghn." "There is nothing I disapprove of more than category-spamming."
"Yuggoth'hg ng'hlui ph'thaghua k'lorhn h'gnohma Ghoora. Plg'n n'hgua Fomalhaut - d'rgu krha'grua ph'kalgn." "Yuggoth is one of the nicer planets in the Ghooric Zone. You should see Fomalhaut - now that's a shithole."
"Yn'gnl sh'g: D'phnegul k'tha dugh, ughl'nigu'ra ulfn'ahk y'ngwu Maghoor-N'kyah? F'nakhr ugh'r'yheh liung'ngu a'Phtak'lu, hfir'knia y'nu h'lyeahugha Oprah rg'ynh." "Many ask: When will I rise again, to lay waste to all the pitiful creatures of Earth? I had been thinking about next Tuesday, but I'm booked on Oprah that day."
"Ewgl'rlua ugh'r'hkanh r'ylu Flying Spaghetti Monster k'rkh y'lfrngh ph'tangh. Ugh'r'yugha f'nigughr Ithaqua, k'lryea g'nugha hngl'wi'ng, hfir'gnua shluggr'ya ungh'lyeh k'reh y'gr ftenhg." "People keep talking about this Flying Spaghetti Monster as if I'm supposed to know who it is. I thought it might be Ithaqua, just being a dickhead, but it turned out to just be something they made up."
"Unglnu'nph k'lyeh r'wnglua hngilu'phth'n, l'yi? Rg'hlia k'gr. F'nath rg'hlia gr'rnua." "I consume human soul-energy for a living, okay? It's my job. Just shut up and let me do my job."
"Y'knath gthu'n'ullha k'th'ryggki y'leth k'yi mrrh'ungha shabu'll'yeh, p'knoi ng'rea pgrn'thywla wrr'ingen q'rhi g'rrneth phta'lyagn dbnat SUV, plg'n hfrn'ngaah." "While you complain how I remorselessly destroy all sentient life I encounter on this plane of existence, consider how you're destroying your own planet every day you keep driving around in that gaz-guzzling SUV of yours, you hypocrite."

Made-up Quotes About Cthulhu by Famous People

"Hey, guys! Where ya goin'? I'm all packed and... aaaww, shit."
  • "Cthulhu and I had some good times, but we went our separate ways... I had my acting career, and he had his unspeakable death-dreams, asleep in his ancient city beyond the shadowy eons of time."
     Angelina Jolie
  • "It was kinda fucked up, actually. I was having a can of beer with my cornflakes one morning, and suddenly there's this bright flash, and I'm transported back like, 180,000 years, and I'm in this totally fucked-up-looking city in the middle of, like, Australia or someplace. And then they want me to write down everything I know about modern civilization for some library they've got. So I did. I actually got a pretty good laugh out of it."
     Andrew Dice Clay
  • "He was a perfect gentleman. Dagon, however, was a complete and utter bore."
     Oscar Wilde
  • "We took a boat out there once to visit him on his birthday. He made cookies for us, even. It was okay, though the cookies were kind of slimy. Oh, and he kept asking us if he could feed off our life-force, which I thought was a bit much, considering all we were getting was some slimy cookies."
     The Cure's Robert Smith
  • "Read my lips: No new Tsathagguas!"
     George H.W. Bush
  • "He nice, the Cthulhu."
     David Sedaris
  • "We had an awesome friendship, he taught me how to cut and slash and cut and slash and cut whoever who calls me fat or something in my website"
  • "I've spent so much time with spiritual advisors, so much money on crystals and weird drugs. To think Cthulhu had been living in Hollywood Hills this whole time. He's saved my career"
     W. Axl Rose

Made-up Quotes About Cthulhu by Non-Famous People

  • "He helped me get a good deal on supplemental prescription drug insurance, even though I wasn't in the best of health. In fact, I had already died, and my rotting corpse was decomposing in a horrid miasma of filth and decay, and my soul cast into an everlasting torment of eternal darkness. But I was still able to save on my prescriptions at the local pharmacy!"
    Mildred Kenton, Buffalo, New York
  • "I remember I wanted this set of toy soldiers for Christmas, right? And my mom wouldn't buy them for me, so I prayed to Cthulhu, and next day there they were! And even better, the toy soldiers were alive, and eating my mom's brain."
    Gary Borkman, Lake Tapawingo, Missouri
  • "Jeez, Cthulhu is going out and molesting young ladies with his tentacles again! I really hate that!"
    Some Random Japanese ACG[2] Maniac
  • "More tentacles than a Japanese anime cartoon!"
    Same guy, two months later
  • "Swell guy. Uh, god, I mean. Swell god."
    Frank Pepper, El Paso, Texas
  • "A year ago, I would have said he was evil incarnate. I mean, there he sleeps, as if dead, waiting to rise again and kill us all... But after I read his latest self-help book, Who Moved My Slime-Trail of Ectoplasm?, I realized I hadn't been giving him a fair shake. So from now on, I'm worshiping the C-Man!"
    Rob Moogawooga, Platypus God, San Jose, California
  • "He still owes me a pint!"
    Michele Pace Bonello, Grandmaster of Monkey-Awsometude, Malta
  • "He said that he craved me, my being, my raison d'être. Oh, sure, I believed him when he said that if I really loved him I would allow him to consume my eternal soul and that all the girls were letting their boyfriends do it. When it was over, I begged him not to leave; he called me 'foolish' and said I was of little nutritional value to him. Now, I feel empty...so – used..."
    Michelle Malkin, Washington, DC
  • "Cthulhu is cool, and by cool, I mean totally sweet!"
    Sensei Robert Hamburger

Cthulhu, Self-Help Author

In addition, Cthulhu is the author of several published works, most of which are self-help books for upper-level business executives, wealthy investors, and religious leaders. Titles include:

  • Cthulhu's Formula for Success: Destroying the Souls of All Who Deny You
  • Seven Easy Steps To a Better Eternity of Inconceivable Pain and Torment
  • Predicting Global Marketing Trends Through Universal Mind Control
  • Waiting For Eons of Eternal Death: The Cthulhu Cure For Sleep Deprivation
  • President George W. Bush: An Endless Dream of Torment For the Future
  • Who Moved My Slime-Trail of Ectoplasm?
  • The Slime-Trail of Ectoplasm Less Travelled
  • Understanding the Consumed: The Psychology of Soul Devouring

Several of these books contain valuable pearls of wisdom that only Cthulhu could have produced, but since not one person has ever read a single page of any of these books and lived, our only alternative is to make up quotes from them, too.

Cthulhu on Professional Success

  • "My way is simple: Ritualistic worship, psionic enslavement, blood sacrifice, and treating all who oppose you with brutal savagery. Simplicity - that's the key to success!"
  • "When negotiating with a business rival, always ask yourself three things: First, how powerful is his mind? Second, how powerful is your mind? And third, do either the two minds produce enough psionic theta-waves to satisfy my unquenchable thirst for mind-energy?"
  • "Many a fool has sought to oppose my diabolical will, only to find out later that they probably shouldn't have tried to do that."
  • "Achieving success is far easier than most humans believe. For example, why did we, the priests of the Elder Gods of this galaxy, succeed where the avatars of the Ancient Old Ones from beyond the stars failed? The answer is absurdly simple: Vast armies of horrifying monsters."
  • "Idle hands are Satan's playground, but I prefer to chew them slowly, suck out the good parts, and then just spit out the bones and fingernails."
  • "For years, I had terribly low self-esteem, because I couldn't go anywhere without leaving a trail of slime, poisonous fumes, and hideous dead things in my wake. But through the power of positive thinking, I learned that to love yourself you must first know yourself, and understand yourself, and let your hideously mutated frog-like minions clean up all that yucky mess."
  • "The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second brain-eating fungus from beyond the colours of time that gets the Fn'angle !"

Cthulhu on Your Health

  • "To obtain a deep, restful, and fulfilling sleep, you must first submerge yourself in your cyclopean city of hideous non-Euclidean geometries beneath the sea, and then let your body die. But don't worry! As long as you continue to emanate enough evil thought-energy to influence and control your many worshippers throughout the untold eons, they will resurrect you when the time comes. I guarantee it!"
  • "Sure, I've conducted a centuries-long breeding experiment with controlled gene mutations to transform human populations into slavering amphibious frog-creatures. Who hasn't? Still, it bothers me when people keep referring to them as 'slavering.' I mean, have a little common courtesy, people. They have feelings too."

Cthulhu on Politics

  • "I was Bush's biggest supporter, until I realized he was just using me to boost his approval ratings among traditionally Democratic mutant-amphibian voters."
  • "I wish I had just one erg of alpha-band energy for every time someone told me they were convinced Dick Cheney and I were the same person. I mean, sure, there's the pure evil thing and all, but I'm so much better-looking."

Cthulhu on... Whatever

  • "As I was telling Mrs. Cthulhu the other day, the problem with traveling between stars and planets on the astral-ethereal plane is that you don't get to carry any luggage. That also means no laptop, no DVD's, no USB memory stick, no nothing. So, if you're looking to bang out a quick Excel spreadsheet showing the latest changes in your human-sacrifice per minion rate, in between relaxing ecto-baths with hot Yrgas'fnakh babes on dark Yil-Agaroth, forget about it."
  • "I've been told that I am yesterday, today, and tomorrow. But not the day after; apparently that's just Yog-Sothoth showing off."
  • "In Soviet Russia, horrid green soapstone idol consumes still-beating heart of naked virgin before YOU!!"
  • "You think you've been violated by an ordinary tentacle monster? Well, to quote BTO, 'you ain't seen nothin' yet"

-to a screaming Japanese Schoolgirl

See Also

^ 1. This is, of course, patently ridiculous, since bare breasts were strictly forbidden in all R'lyeh eating establishments.

^ 2. No living human being knows for certain what the letters "ACG" stand for in this context. So far the best guess appears to be "Anime Cigarette Guy," but luckily, nobody cares.

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