Unquotable:Policies
“Comedy is serious business.”
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At Unquotable, we believe that the two basic policies that are used to guide the administration of Uncyclopedia as a whole, namely HTBFANJS and DBAD, are insufficient to prevent problems that are likely to occur in an environment in which a multitude of small edits are likely to be made, some of which may directly refer to another, or the contributor of another, in a negative or insulting fashion. This is why we have added a third policy, which is abbreviated as DASYCTMA. This stands for "Don't Add Shit You Care Too Much About."
How to avoid being ensnared by the DASYCTMA rule[edit]
Following this rule is simple. If you're tempted to add a fake quote to one of these pages that expresses something you deeply believe and hold dear, something which, if changed, deleted, or otherwise bastardized by someone else would make you angrier than you would normally get if the Pizza Delivery Man showed up with sausage when you actually ordered pepperoni, then don't post it.
Likewise, if you're the sort of person that gets defensive, upset, or abusive when others are offended by the things you write, get out now, while you still can! On the other hand, if you're the sort who's capable of compromising, letting go, or generally just being cool about things like that, then maybe you've come to the right place. You may have found a home, a community, a scene where you can truly belong, and really enjoy working with others whose values and goals you share. Get out now, while you still can!
"Where do I fit in? Do I, in fact, fit in at all?"[edit]
Unquotable is not meant to be a safe-haven for cranks, idiots, bigots, or hacks. (Okay, maybe hacks.) Humor is hard; humor takes effort; humor takes a willingness to look deep inside yourself and say, "that thing I just wrote really, really sucks." Humor-writing is not for the faint-hearted, nor for the bleeding-hearted. That sort of attitude is best left to Hollywood actors and Fox News.
You, however, are different. You have a soul; you have a mind of your own; you have a sharp wit and a cool head. You have integrity, creativity, and amoebic dysentery. You have a large booger hanging off of your nose. You are gullible enough to check for the booger, even though this is a relatively static web page, even for a wiki. You have a sense of comedic timing, which isn't going to help you, since... wait for it... everything here is completely textual! You also have a sense of the absurd, or maybe you don't, but you at least pretend to have one, and that's usually enough. Admittedly, we're lying about that; it's never enough to just pretend you have a sense of the absurd, but if you've read this far you probably don't care anymore. You're just waiting for the next gag, the next punchline, the next "third thing" in the inevitable list of three things. Do you really expect it to come? Do you think I, the writer of these words, am some sort of puppet on a string, simply producing good punch-lines when it's convenient for you to read them? Since when did you become such a selfish, sanctimonious jerk? We thought you were different. Man, have you ever let us down. Dammit... You broke our heart.
Other Policies[edit]
In addition to the general principles outlined above, various rules, points of order, and bits of wisdom occur to us from time to time that we like to put in a nice bullet list. These should not necessarily be taken as "written in stone." In fact, they only exist on some hard drive somewhere, and can be easily edited, or erased completely.
- At the moment, there is nothing in this list.
- Except for the line above stating that there isn't anything in the list.
- And also the one just above this one.
- Uh, we'd better stop this before it gets too silly.
- No, I really think we should keep going; this idea could really go places.
- Shut up.
- Make me.
- Make you? By Heaven, what are you saying, man? Are you implying that I, like God, have the power to create life... itself? That these hands, these mortal fingers, can take cold, long-dead flesh and infuse it with life, with a soul, with the ability to laugh, to cry, to feel? This is blasphemy! Why, it is the work of the devil! I must shut my eyes, cover my ears, cast out these terrible thoughts, these demonic figments of darkness! But at least there's still nothing in this list... that's really the important thing.
- Except for the line above stating that there isn't anything in the list.
Quoting Policy for the Quoting Policy[edit]
Here is how you quote our quoting policy: Don't. That would be an example of making a new heading on a page that is not funny. Not funny at all - to anyone! No really, this part isn't funny!
Quoting Policy for the Quoting Policy's Quoting Policy[edit]
At the risk of being redundant, it's important to reiterate that adding a new heading to this page would simply not be a funny thing to do. In fact, you might easily be accused of "beating a dead horse," or worse, creating an ad nauseam extension of a non-joke in the process of trying to establish a reductio ad absurdem scenario. Therefore, you must never quote the Unquotable Quoting Policy's Quoting Policy. Users who do this will be banned, made into administrators, or more likely, both.