Unquotable:Keanu Reeves

Unquotable:Keanu Reeves

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“If this bus goes under 50 miles-an-hour, it will explode. This is potentially very bad for us.”

~ Keanu Reeves on buses, and their tendency to be rigged to explode

“The red pills fuck you up real good.”

~ Keanu Reeves on the red pills

“All the dreams I dream are nightmares and those nightmares are the ones I live.”

~ Keanu Reeves on the Matrix

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HARDCORE!!!

Keanu Reeves has starred in several motion pictures, including The Matrix, Speed, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, and The Matrix 2: Return to Matrix Island. (Rumors that he has signed a deal to appear in the upcoming Bill and Ted's Heinous Divorce Settlement could not be substantiated at the time of this writing.) Reeves has been quoted saying many memorable and ingenious things — quotes that brilliantly display the high level of ingenuity Keanu Reeves possesses, quotes that show just how wise and knowledgeable Reeves is, and quotes that are so deep and multi-layered that they appear to make no sense whatsoever. Unfortunately, due to his amazing level of intelligence, many people have taken to making up false Keanu Reeves quotes, in effect portraying him in a less than complimentary manner. For shame!

This practice has been going on for several years, and it has given Mr. Reeves the reputation that he is a dim-witted, wooden actor, with little or no discernible talent. What follows includes a little of both, annotated so that your simple minds can come slightly closer to comprehending Keanu's vast wisdom.

Keanu on The Mysteries of Life

• "Huh?"
• "Who are you?"
• "Why am I here?"
• "Whoah..."
• "All we are is dust in the wind, dude."
• "Who is Mickey Mouse, anyway? Nobody knows who's inside the suit. It could even be me..."

Keanu on The Matrix

• "I should have taken the blue pill. I heard from Trinity that it was raspberry flavored."
• "Remember that kid who could bend the spoon? Well, I found out later he staged the whole thing. Kinda ticked me off."
• "The Matrix is like a bowl of cereal. I'm like the milk."
• "I don't like the feeling that I'm not in control of my life. I could be getting raped, right now, and wouldn't even know it."
• "The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way. That's what I heard, anyway. Never tried it myself."
• "One of the best things about films is the way you're taken on a kind of journey, emotionally and psychologically, not only through the movie's world but also through your own. In fact, before you start taking drugs, go through your life, and experience yourself. Then you can get loaded."
• "I know kung fu. On a related note, I also know ju-jitsu, sumo, quasi-sumo, tai-kwan-do, drunken boxing, wrestling, mud wrestling, and naked mud wrestling."

Keanu on The Existential Crisis

• "Keeping a straight face while talking to the robotic dolphin was pretty much the end of line for me. Now I pretty much just take solace in pottage."
• "I'm sorry my existence is not very noble, sublime, or even beneficial."
• "Here comes 40. I'm feeling my age, and I've ordered the Ferrari. I'm going to get the whole mid-life crisis package - you have to order that special with the newer Testarossa models, but I think it comes standard on the Modena Spider."
• "I try not to think about my life. I have no life. I need therapy."

Keanu on Music

Please enlighten us!

• "Iron Maiden? Excellent!"

Keanu on People Thinking He's Gay

• "For a while people were saying that David Geffen and I had gotten married. That just blew me away. Not because they thought I was gay, but that they thought I could land a guy that hot."
• "It's always wonderful to get to know women, with the mystery and the joy and the depth. Men don't have that - they just have really smelly underwear, or at least that's what I've found. Anyway, if you can make a woman laugh, you're probably seeing the most beautiful thing on God's Earth. I'm guessing it is, anyway. It's something I've always wanted to see."

Keanu on Death

• "I used to have nightmares that they would put He played Ted on my tombstone, but I managed to cure that by having my tombstone made in advance, just in case. Not having nightmares is awesome. What was even cooler, I put He played Bill on it, just to screw with peoples' heads."
• "What would happen if you melted? You know, you never really hear this talked about much, but spontaneous combustion - it exists. People burn from within. Sometimes they'll be in one of those movie theaters with stadium seating, and the seat won't burn, but there'll be nothing left of the person. Except sometimes his tub of popcorn. No one speaks about this, but I guess as long as the popcorn survives, no one really minds."

Keanu on Medieval Torture Devices

• "Iron Maiden? Excellent!"

Keanu on Acting

• "Being a famous actor can be very surreal. It's easy to become very self-critical when you're an actor, and then you get critiqued by the critics, too. Sometimes the critics organize protest marches and boycotts against you, too - that really sucks. Occasionally they'll try to have you arrested for 'crimes against humanity' and things like that, and that sucks even worse. Every once in a while they'll form huge international consortia to build spacecraft capable of reaching other planets, just so they can get as far away from you as possible, but that hasn't happened to me for a couple of years now. The last time it happened, though, it kind of sucked."
• "When I don't feel free and can't do what I want, I just react. I become a reactor. It's like being a regular actor, only it has two extra letters."

Keanu on River Phoenix

"Woah."
~Keanu Reeves

• "You can't blame Hollywood for what happened to River Phoenix. You might blame Phoenix, Arizona, because that city had the same name and there's all that dry heat, but even that's pushing it. The fact is, kids are doing drugs everywhere in the world. He had his own very personal problems that I will never discuss with the press, but since this is Uncyclopedia I can tell you that he was very unhappy about not being asked to testify before the Congressional Subcommitee on Corruption in the Aromatic Candle-Making Industry, and he never really got over it."

Conclusion

So, there it is. You, dear reader, have now been exposed to some of Keanu's wisest wit and wittiest wisdom, his most charming charm and most philosophical philosophizing. While it is to be expected that one, or two, or all of the quotes may be above the average reader's levels of comprehension, please, don't allow yourself to be discouraged. Most people simply aren't as deep as Keanu. Instead, reader, try this: lean back in your chair for just one moment and think. Really consider all that you've read. Ponder. Mull. Then, watch Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. If you're like me, I'll bet that took you just one step closer to almost scratching the surface of Keanu's vast oceans of wisdom. And really, isn't that all anyone can ask for?

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