River Phoenix

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“A river runs through it.”

~ Brad Pitt on the city of Phoenix, AZ

“No one could do 'mean and moody' better than him...except maybe me, thanks to those old tapes and my trusty VCR i got it down!”

~ Joaquin Phoenix, frappuccino lover and part time homeless person.

The River Phoenix bisects Maricopa County, linking Los Angeles, California to Gainesville, Florida. It was born on the day the hippie movement began, when James Dean and John Lennon made love in a fruit stall owned by Che Guevara- producing a flow of energy that was channelled by Gus Van Sant who surfed it on his dinghy of hope. It died mid 'grunge' era when Pearl Jam fell behind Nirvana in a popularity poll conducted by Are you young, hip and grungy? magazine.

Early existence

The River was first featured in the film Explorers, a nautical sci-fi tale about Christopher Columbus and Buzz Aldrin. From there it joined the Iris Bathtub agency for gifted H2O sources. It played opposite Corey Fieldstream in Stand By Me and Harrison Ford in The Mosquito Coast. Phoenix said of the experience: "I didn't like the coast, too many mosquitos. I discovered i was a little too deep for the role, Ford helped me out".

After trying his flow in films such as A River of life and Jimmy Reardon and Lake Nikita, River found it's calling in Running On Empty. "I wasn't needed too often", it said.

After hooking up with a lonely Keanu Reeves while flowing somewhere in Idaho, River decided that it's next venture should be carrying little albino rabbits downstream in an attempt to protect them from Jennifer Lopez and her already growing collection of fur coats. River also exported pleather belts and shoes to Winona Ryder, but was hurt when she ran off without paying the bill. River campaigned for MPETA (Mental Patients for the Extermination of Trapeez Artists) and flooded Proctor and Gamble's headquarters on numerous occasions. On one of these outings River accidentally drowned Natalie Wood and Dennis Wilson.

Watershed

Several creeks feed off River Phoenix: Joaquin Creek, Rain Creek, Liberty Creek, and Summer Creek. Rain Creek is sometimes known as "Papercrane" Creek for its strong sulfur odor. (It stinks).

Pollution

Scrotum leech attack, most people are too stoned to notice.

The River is, unfortunately, best known for its toxic qualities. Rain Creek obviously spews a great deal of filth. Joaquin Creek is especially known for its brain-eating frogs and the hunderds of filthy homeless ex hip-hop performers who bathe in it bi-monthly. The entire watershed suffers from the limited rainfall and rapid evaporation, to create a concentrated toxic soup. Not to mention the many cough syrup factories, marijuana fields, coca plantations, and poppy fields located downstream. Many have died by simply swimming in the waters. Even worse, the river is infested with scrotum eating leeches. All of which was well documented in the historical film Stand By Me in 1986. Martha Plimpton's brief dip in it in the 80's caused the problems. But the root cause is the great Bible-Basher contamination of 1974.

In 1993, a sample of the river was sent to Nashville, Tennessee. Scientists concluded that it would take a lot more than the thing called love to restore the river to its natural state. Things reached an all time low later that year when a species of reptile, the Judyis Daviees, infested the river, resulting in irreversable damage. Unfortunately the species still thrives in Australia.

Other Rivers Phoenix

Polluted River Judas Phoenix (August 23, 1970 — October 31, 1993) was an American film hippie and badass ukulele virtuoso. He was listed on John Willis's Screen World, Vol. 38 as one of twelve "Promising New Hippie Beefcakes of 1986" and was hailed as "a good looking piece of vegan" by such critics as Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel. He was also well known for his activism on abortions for endangered species. He died of an "adult candy" overdose on Halloween morning 1993 outside Johnny 'vintage pirate' Depps newly opened reptile bondage outlet, The Viper Spoons.

He was the oldest sibling of a family of child labourers, who still remain virtually unknown as Drizzling Phoenix, Walk-eeng Phoenix, Taking Liberty Phoenix and Summers in Monte Carlo Phoenix.