John Lennon

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You remember him; he sang "All You Need Is to Imagine".

“I resent being an artist, in that respect, I resent performing for fucking idiots who don't know anything. They can't feel. I'm the one that's feeling, because I'm the one that is expressing.”

~ John Lennon, expressing his love for his fans.

John Winston "Coo-coo-ca-choo" Ono Lennon (9 October 1940 – 8 December 1980) was an English musician, hippie, and misogynist who operated during the chaotic, anarchy-fueled days of the 1960s. He was most famous for his involvement, as a co-founding member of popular rock band The Beatles, in trying to ruin the glory of American capitalism and stealing all the glory from Elvis Presley. After the breakup of The Beatles, Lennon became a super groovy hairy guy during his solo career, leading the hippies in anti-war activism during the 1970s and being declared their king; they all loved him for his disapproval of condoms, just like his best friend.

Lennon crafted a career on singing about love, sex, drugs, and shit but also built an empire of hate by pissing off a lot of people along the way. He was a symbol of fear in the higher, more expensive seats in all governments across the world; the way Lennon talked and sang seemed to them to be deeply and culturally subversive. They tried investigating his personal life by means of wire tapping, stalking, and employing professional peeping toms, trying to figure out if he was a terrorist. Eventually, much to the officials' delight, Lennon was shot and killed in 1980 by a fatass called: Mark David Chapman on a rare excursion in New York, angry that people were claiming his book Catcher in the Rye was a killer's handbook. But to truly understand this controversial man, we must go back to the beginning...

Early life

At a young age, Lennon was cruelly stolen from his wild, barefoot running mother Julia and taken to live with his Aunt Mimi in Liverpool. Lennon's father, a deck-swabber on one of the British Navy's lesser clam fishing ships, had left the family to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a fully fledged whaler. However, this action seriously affected young John, who had desperately wanted to accompany his father (since the age of two, he had also become obsessed with the thought of killing and feasting on whales). Aunt Mimi was a total square, all prim conventionality. Luckily, Mimi's restrictive lameness fueled young John's zeal for anarchy and disruptive disrespect for authority.

At age 15, John was a young man. If one thing was more important to young Lennon than communism, it was shagging posh London birds with long hair. If two things were more important to him than Communism, they were shagging posh London birds with long hair and getting pissed at the local pub. If three things were more important, they were shagging posh London birds with long hair, getting pissed at the local pub, and shagging again. But if four things were more important — and this is key — they were shagging, getting pissed, shagging again, and the exciting rock music of American musicians like Elvis Presley, Buddy Holly, and The Monkees.

Lennon was caught vandalizing the boys' toilet — oops, redecorating the school washrooms, when the pigs on campus threw him into detention. The groovy part about all this establishment uncoolness is that Lennon just happened by fate to take his seat next to Paul McCartney, a young man two years his junior with gorgeous eyes. Anyway, the two struck up a conversation, and a musical partnership was born. Oh yeah and the wonderful Indian guru George Harrison was there too... (except he was in the room heading over to the office, where he was going to be awarded the "Pupil of the Month" award).


1956–60: The Quarrymen

Following his heart, Lennon shagged, got pissed, shagged some more, bought a guitar, and formed a ska band with his new friends. The band initially took the name of Bozo Dog and the Plastic Quarry Pit Elephant's Memory All-Armenian Heart Attack Band; the boys later adopted the shorter and more sensible name of The Quarrymen. The group tried to play every Saturday, even though it would be difficult, since Lennon was just entering art school to meet classier women and doodle dirty pictures until the pubs opened.

So, at age 19, Lennon and his two friends were rocking out on top of a wheelbarrow at a country club dinner party, because everybody knows that's the best place to have a rock concert. The most they generated from their audience (a.k.a three teenage lowlives) and the surrounding party-goers was either foot-clapping and hand-stomping, or remarks such as, "Quiet down over there!", "You're hitting the wrong chords!", or even, "Quit playin' that devil's music and pick up a banjo!" Luckily, Lennon's tough spirit kept Paul, George, and their rented-by-the-hour drummer going. Lennon narrowly avoided having intercourse with Paul and George that night for some funyuns.

1960–70: The Beatles

1960–66: Early years and ego-buting with Paul

John Lennon IS bigger than Jesus.

Upon hearing that they made some great crumpets up in Hamburger, Germany, Lennon packed up, swiped a few hundred pounds from his auntie's pocketbook, and dragged his friends with him. The band changed their name to The Pinned Beatles, later shortened to simply "The Beatles". Johnny fit in quite well in the Land of Lederhosen, and used his tremendous crowd skills on the gullible German audiences that the Beatles played to at the various bars and opium dens across the countryside. Fortunately, one gloomy day in 1962, a beautiful, magnificent savior (no, not that one!) named George Martin swooped in to rescue the boys from their lives sleeping in cow manure, and even had the kindness to allow Ringo Starr to officially join their band, since even though he looked like one of the 2010 Rolling Stones members, he could still hold a beat better than any drummer the guys had had before (when he wasn't drunk).

So, the boys returned home to England, where Mr. Martin outfitted them with the most advanced recording technology of their time, hoping that this time he hadn't picked another lame-ass British wannabe group. Lennon and McCartney soon found that, by using Paul's music and John's lyrics, they could make music better than even Red Hot Chili Peppers! Thus, the Beatles crapped out their first golden album, and on goes the legacy of the Beatles. During his times with those guys, Lennon wrote many notable songs for the band, including "She Said Drop Dead", "A Day with His Wife", and "I Have Some Jaundice". But it was during the writing of these songs that McCartney began to question Lennon's dictatorial leadership of the band, and started writing silly and meaningless songs just to piss Lennon off, not realizing that Lennon's songs had been silly and meaningless in the first place. This was the spark that started the wild competition between Lennon and McCartney.

On 9 November 1966, the night of the Beatles' official wrap-up on recording Ringo Needs Some Money, Ringo attempted to convince McCartney to sing "The Ballad of Paul McCartney", a mocking song written for him by John. Paul, angered by this, rushed out of the studio in a huff and got into his Austin Powers. He failed to notice that the lights had changed while at a crossing and was hit by a lorry, sending his car hurtling into a utility pole named Bob. Bob, obviously not liking being smashed into, crumpled onto the vehicle, killing McCartney. The other Beatles, standing in shock as noxious fumes consumed the body of their bandmate, knew that something had to be done. Quietly calling their manager, Brian Epstein, they summoned him to the studio and told him what had happened. Epstein, knowing the press would have a field day with this, decided to dump McCartney's ashes in a strawberry field south of Leeds. The band, excepting John, decided to innocuously find a suitable replacement for the now-late Paul. But, during the argument, John accidentally kicked over the urn containing Paul's ashes, sending everyone into a frenzy.

1966–70: Later years and ego-buting with Faul

A look-a-like contest was held to find a new McCartney. The winner, Billy "Faul" Shears, assumed the life and place of the original Paul; in the public eye, in the band, and amongst his family. The replacement of the old Paul with the new Faul quickly caused tension within the band. While the music continued to mature and increase in sophistication, Lennon and Faul could not put aside their political differences. Fighting between the two escalated to the point where Lennon spiked Faul's warm beer with phenobarbital before an important concert at Shea Stadium, and Faul retaliated by not sleeping with Lennon (no one ever did). Touring ceased after that disastrous gig, but the rivalry continued. Lennon grew tired of cooperating with the coverup, but the record company had him bound and gagged, so he had to find ways to sneak clues to the public. He hid these clues in the Beatles' album covers and song lyrics, even going so far as to teach himself to hide messages in straightforward vocal performances that would suddenly appear when they were played backwards. Unfortunately, the conspiracy nuts were the first to take notice, and courtesy of their endorsement the clues was simply laughed off by the public.

Needing someone with whom he could relate, Lennon ditched his wife Cynthia and started shagging Japanese diplomat Yoko "Oh No" Ono. Lennon's friend Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad saw photographs of John shagging Yoko on the wall of their mansion at Ascot, and suggested that Lennon might like to keep his hand in a little bag for a while and fiddle with some beads. Yoko told Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad a few well-crafted remarks about who should fiddle with whose beads in whose bags. The Swami, a pink blanket salesman and fully-fledged capitalist, did not take kindly to this and flew off to Donovan's house on a swan to co-author "Ride a White Swan" with Marc Bolan. Ono had a growing interest in communism, and under Lennon's tutelage she became a full-fledged Trotsky Youth. McCartney instantly jumped on this as an example of communist expansion, also known as the domino theory. In keeping with his capitalist ideologies and to quote, "set a good example for John," he married camera heiress Linda Kodak.

Finally, in 1970, Lennon had had enough. Working with his three inept comrades in this silly little joke of a band wasn't enough. John officially ended the Beatles after flipping a coin, causing many little girls from all over the world to cry. John was quite fine without his friends, however. He had met Japanese supermodel Yoko, and the two quickly moved into a happy American life in New York City. Lennon was done with the music scene for nearly five months. John was lonely without a little help from his besties, however. Then he realized how much fun it was to make money from music, then to spend it in bed with his gorgeous-yet-slightly controversial wife.

1970–80: Solo career

Lennon remembers how many testicles he lost to Yoko Ono.

The disbanding of the Beatles made a lot of people feel really bad for a long time; this period has become known as the Great Depression, and lasted until the Sex Pistols sang for the Queen in 1977. Though Lennon continued to make records and pose nude, they were unable to ease the depression even the slightest bit. It became worse when Yoko posed for Playboy and accused John for marrying her for her body and not brain. Consequently, his solo albums aren't essential to the common record buyer or this article, though J. Onanism (named after Yoko and JFK's wife) is.

With frustration mounting (certainly Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad expressed his frustration at the mounting of the pictures of Lennon mounting Ono on the walls of their mansion at Ascot), Lennon and Ono turned to music — wonderful music — to vent their frustrations with McCartney and the capitalist police state. The records were intended to cause listeners to realize their own frustrations with the system and then work to overthrow it. All they caused was confusion with fans, who loved the Beatles but were wondering whether or not to hate John. In the end, Yoko got most of the blame. Another reason for the frustration was due to Yoko calling their group "The Plastic Ono Band" when everybody else knew that that was something John wore round his head to stop it exploding into a thousand tiny pieces because of the curse the bad fairy laid on him at his christening.

As tension grew, McCartney mobilized, starting a solo career of his own, banning Lennon's book, and decrying everything he stood for. Lennon counter-attacked with his famous bed-in, in which he and Yoko stayed in bed and encouraged everyone else to do the same in the hopes that the gears of capitalism could be ground to a halt and he could get laid. If everyone stayed home and didn't buy anything, they could listen to the Infernal Plasting Beatle Band and increase royalties to fund the extremists like Upton Sinclair and the Pink Panthers. Unfortunately, this only caused more confusion, dirty bed linen, and bedsores, and Yoko got the blame again.

It was during this period of Lennon's life when he set the still-standing Guinness World Record of consuming 36 hard-boiled eggs within the space of one minute.


Rumours have it that Lennon was reincarnated as a cat, and now plays and records out of a home studio in New York.

Lennon allegedly died after being shot by Mark David Chapman on 8 December 1980; Chapman was seen standing five yards away with a smoking pistol. There was much mourning and rejoice throughout the world. His apparent death is in question because some anonymous witnesses have reported seeing him walking "bare ass" on the streets of Cairo, Egypt, smoking the reefer. Whether he is alive or dead, may the Mandarin children of Earth protect his soul in the afterlife.

See also