Anarchy
Anarchy is the term used to describe unjustified violent or aggressive behaviour in the form of speech, sounds, sights, smells and other bodily sensations. The warped children of wealthy parents are particularly volatile to outbreaks of anarchy. This has lead to Anarchy being associated with learning difficulties which are prevalent in the middle classes.
Etymology[edit]
The word Anarchy derives from an ancient form of Greece. The word ‘Anarchy’, which is heavily Anglicised, is thought to derive from the two ancient words: 宩¥ (pronounced Argy, with a soft 'g') meaning ‘angry’, and ∫宩¥ (pronounced 'Bargy' with a soft 'g') meaning ‘young adolescent’.
Anarchy in philosophy[edit]
Early anarchy[edit]
The study of anarchy has intrigued people since it was first formally identified in ancient Egypt. In the recently found burial tomb of Imhotep, hieroglyphics transcribed onto human skin describe how as a young man he would challenge the great King Djoser by throwing elephant dung at statues of his family during communal worship of the sun god Ra. Other tales depict him playing his arghul erratically at midnight in an attempt to rile his neighbours. Egyptologists agree that Imhotep likely suffered from a variety of mania including dyslexia, depression and exhibitionism.
Roman accounts of British Iron age anarchy[edit]
Recently a Roman text has been found buried under the Biblioteca Nazionale Centrale di Roma in Rome, Italy, and around half of it's 45,000 pages are dedicated to the islands of Britannia. In it, it describes the ancient peoples of Britannia as a 'barbaric race of wandering nomads' and that 'their many religions shared similar deities and rituals including the worship of the sun and the moon, and of fire'.
This tome entitled ‘’Dialogus de cobblerus oratoribus.’’ has been carbon dated to around 10-20AD and despite no official Roman seal found on the cover it has been attributed to Tacticus; a prolific Roman writer of the age. In the tome Tacticus writes of a ‘southern people who sacrifice babies to a deity of anarchy, before eating human flesh by moonlight’. A witness account recorded within the works also notes the 'savage, violent and anarchic mating rituals’ which regularly included 'animals, singed anal beads, ludo and strange dancing'. Throughout the writings Tacticus regularly references the worship of 'Kunge' during these rituals.
Aristotelian anarchic philosophy[edit]
After years of travelling to Greece on his pilgrimage of sodomy, Aristotle returned to Athens and wrote a paper discussing the uses and purposes of anarchy in society. It concluded that, although entertaining to the few who could witness it from afar, ‘it served no long term purpose’ and was ‘merely a function of the wealthy to exact their anger upon the poor, and maintain their superiority over them’. Research shows that this may have been true and that it was used as a method to control the masses by serving as a punishment. It was usually those who suffered the repercussions. That for which they were punished still isn’t clearly understood.
The Kropotkin influence[edit]
Prince Peter Kropotkin, or Crackpot Kropotkin, is a Russian anarchist, activist and philosopher who promoted anarchy across the globe until his death in 2014. Crackpot’s philosophy, and therefore his promotion of anarchy, was based on his obsession of abolishing law, order and peace in favour of chaos, murder and regression. Having been an outstanding pupil of Charles Darwin in 1869, Crackpot decided that to allow the universal laws of nature control to his existence was unacceptable. In a letter sent to Darwin he said;
“I desperately wanted to speak with you after our delightful afternoon tea last Thursday but I could not pluck up the courage. It is with a heavy heart that I set sail for Russia again. I cannot thank you enough for your commitment to my study and the love you have shown me. You are a master of science, a true genius of the world, but most of all; a warm handed friend. But now I must confess, in writing as I couldn't in words, that I have reached a different conclusion to you in regards to the origins of man on this great Earth. Yes, I agree that it is an undeniable fact, prevalent across the globe, and no doubt across others, that your theory of evolution is just and correct, but I cannot accept it in my heart. As a result, I must break away from such rational thinking, even in the face of evidence-based science, and chose a more destructive illogical path. I am to become an anarchist, my friend, reborn as Prince Crackpot and I shall deny the universal truths of existence now and forever more.”
Two years after sending the letter to Darwin, Crackpot had begun amassing his anarchic tome: Mutual Aid: A Factor of Evolution, in which he denounces evolution and promotes anarchy. This book would go on to have a direct influence on the young anarchist Joseph Stalin who famously went on to deny the democratically elected Adolf Hitler and his plan for the unification of Europe. Despite Hilter's failure, Angela Merkel has reintroduced the idea to much applause.
Descartes philosophy[edit]
Many other modern philosophers have also referenced anarchy in their writings. Using the power of Pythagorus’ theorem and the Tetrad, René Descartes philosophised that anarchy is a fundamental part of being wealthy and therefor cannot be attributed to be an act of will, but rather a naturally occurring side effect. This controversial conclusion didn’t sit well with King Louis XIV of France, who took the statement as a personal insult, and had him hanged in 1650 for treason and conspiracy for promoting anarchy in western Europe.
John Lydon’s modern anarchic philosophy[edit]
John Lydon, lead noise maker for unpopular punk band The Sex Pistols, is credited as being a modern day philosopher. His anarchic role as ‘Tommy Big Bollocks’ throughout the 1970s is widely considered to be the birth of ‘punk society’, which states that ‘wealth is for the masses, not for the few’. The purpose of The Sex Pistols is still unknown. In 1976, at the height of punk society, BBC writer and journalist Jonathon D. Crutch was invited to Lydon’s country estate to challenge his views on social division and the need for anarchy. After Crutch asked Lydon to explain why he had ‘succumbed to anarchy’, Lydon picked up his gold-plated coffee table, launched it out of the window and gobbed in his face. Disturbed but inspired by the event Crutch went on to write the nobel prize winning book ’Descartes Was Right’ the following year just 2 months after Lydon had been sectioned.
Anarchy in anthropology[edit]
Since the invention of sentient humans, anarchy has been recognised in some form. Evidence of anarchic behaviour has been found in the ancient cave paintings in Lascaux, France. Crude illustrations show men waving their elongated and grossly exaggerated genitals at a heard of passing buffalo. Experts have surmised that this may have been an early indication of anarchic behaviour as the buffalo would frequently steal their women to breed with.
In Britain, the Witch Burning Trinity of 1595 highlighted the affect anarchism could have on the populace. In an attempt to rid people of their ‘unholy anarchic tendencies’. With the blessing of the Church, King James I and his witch-hunting troupe travelled across the Yorkshire moors hunting witches on horseback. During their 3 year crusade it is estimated that they captured or killed at least 12 million witches, many of which were burned alive.
2011 England Riots[edit]
Although anarchy is most prevalent in middle class social circles, it is not exclusively so. The 2011 England riots showed the working classes can also be susceptible to anarchy. News reports of a loaded spud gun found in a hardware store first triggered local panic which soon turned into anarchy.
True to Aristotle’s theory that anarchy can serve no long term purpose, the unwashed saw this as an opportunity to protest, and thereby compete with the middle classes. From the 8th August until the 23rd December, working class towns and cities across the country were victims to anarchy. Although violence and rape were wide-spread, the highest death toll was attributed to arson, accounting for over 30,000 deaths and over £3 billion in structural damages.
During this period the British press were feverish and desperate to hurl down their criticism. In September The Times released a special edition of it’s Sunday edition newspaper entitled: ‘A Sign of The Times’, featuring a image of a pregnant woman smoking a crack pipe whilst watching television in her pyjamas on the streets of Wolverhampton. It was accompanied with the caption: “The rampaging filth, flippant without purpose, high on drugs with a bun in the oven, whatever next?”. Its editor at the time, Piers Moron, received special commendation for the newspapers accurate coverage of the unfolding story. 3 weeks later a rare 'collectors edition' of the issue was printed and made available to enthusiasts. When the riots finally came to an end, 801,546 people were arrested and shipped off to the Tory gulags on the Orkney Islands.
Famous anarchists[edit]
There are many famous anarchists in the UK and throughout the world, both past and present. Many are known to be ‘dormant’ and are awaiting activation. Some of those activated so far notably include:
Guy Fawkes[edit]
Original terrorist Guy Fawkes, who based his appearance on Ian Anderson, is one of the most famous anarchists in living memory. He is most famous for failing to blow up the Houses of Parliament thus highlighting the gross incompetence of most anarchists. Comically, during the modernisation of his east London home, he fell from some scaffolding head first directly into a recently used latrine, breaking his neck in the process. Some scholars believe this was a final deliberate anarchic happening in an attempt to avoid his upcoming execution. Unfortunately, he succeeded.
Heston Blumenthal[edit]
Eccentric bald man Heston Blumenthal is a national pest most famous for his anarchic advent-grade cooking techniques and experimental recipes. Most of his restaurant recipes are unique and include ‘Vacuum Pizza’, whereby a pizza is cooked using magma and a Dyson V6 handheld vaccuum, ‘Pit Steak’, whereby Heston himself warms a 10oz cut of beef in his armpit for 3 minutes to impart his pheromones and extra flavour, and ‘Dumplings’, which is a closely guarded secret recipe.
John Travolta[edit]
A semi-retired anarchist John Travolta worships and promotes the famously anarchic death cult Scientology. Outside of Scientology he is most famous for flying his Boeing 707-138 around the world, delivering food parcels to starving children in Greece. Also considered an actor, Travolta has starred in many blockbuster films including Pulp Fiction and music-related catastrophe Saturday Night Fever. His distressing dress sense throughout the 70s and 80s justify his inclusion onto this list, as does his extraterrestrial skin.
Donald Trump[edit]
U.S. President Donald Trump is a popular American businessman and liberal anarchist hellbent on promoting the use of casual racism and sexism through a series of diverse sermons across the United States. Considered a sexual dynamo, Trump’s reputation as a ladies man is well documented and he has personally claimed to have slept with thousands of women, which surely includes a few dozen men "self-identifying" as women, which makes him gay. His political campaign to expose more of himself was reacted to positively by the American public, and by an actual majority in the Electoral College.
Tony Blair[edit]
Acclaimed musician, Christian, and peace-loving hippie Tony Blair is considered an anarchist. His rise to stardom dribbled off the back of his predecessor John Smith (of brewing fame) after he died horribly and without warning. Under Blair, the Labour Party became ‘New Labour’, which was synonymous with ‘Old Tories’.
Its new manifesto contradicted Labour's entire history and set it upon an altogether different course. Although written in gibberish, it was clearly anarchic; instead of orderly improvements to the UK education system, Labour would recklessly spend the maximum possible of taxpayers' money on useless things, including middle management (across all public-owned institutions), sex toys, imaginary MP expenses, political correctness, a bit of war, mass immigration, spin doctors, and drastically lower standards, starving it of investment and destroying competition. This dumbing down of the country directly led to the 2011 England Riots - all of whom were illiterates who backed New Labour. Superficially, it seemed like gross mismanagement, but it deliberately produced the anarchic results in the nation's streets.
News reports[edit]
- UnNews:Heston Blumenthal dies at 45
- UnNews:John Travolta in yet another mishap, Cigar Awards correspondent reports
- UnNews:Tony Blair In Plot To Kidnap His Own Child
- UnNews:Donald Trump cusses out President Obama
- UnNews:Guy Fawkes arrested for breaking smoking ban in Parliament
