|United States Electoral College
|Winner Takes All
|You vote, we decide.
|Washington, DC, USA
|in 50 states + District of Columbia
|9 Supreme Court Justices
|Fightin' Faithless Electors
Electoral College is a college in Washington D.C. Founded in 1788 by Ignatius T. Electoral, it has the distinction of being the oldest college in the United States, and the third oldest in all of North America. Its mission is to prevent people who matter from making decisions.
Ignatius T. Electoral was a stow-away on the fourth and smallest of the ships which Christopher Columbus used to travel to America. The Mamacita was a much smaller ship than the ships Leon, Pinto and Santa Monica, and Electoral spent the entire voyage hiding behind some boxes that were filled with clothes to donate to Goodwill. Upon landing at Washington D.C., Electoral waited until everyone else was off the ship and then pretended to be a guy who worked for Goodwill who had been sent to pick up the boxes. He took their contents and used them to start Electoral College.
The boxes were filled with marmalade, a type of jelly never before seen by the native Washington Redskins who inhabited the area. Electoral used this as a bargaining tool to encourage the natives to enrol in his school. The first semester, each new freshman was guaranteed one jar of marmalade. By the fourth year, his supply had run out, and he was unceremoniously removed from his position as president and dean of Electoral College, and (more importantly) scalped. By that time, the school had attracted enough professors from surrounding areas as to be self-sufficient, with or without the input of Ignatius T. Electoral. The college then boasted degrees in 18 different courses of study, including Buffalogy, Monosyllabism, pr0n and Women's Studies. As of now, the college is trying to gain university status.
More recently, the electoral college has opened branch campuses in all 50 statues of the union. It was decided that each state should get 3 campuses because the college's board of regents couldn't remember the number that comes after 3. Following a lawsuit brought by the ACLU, the college agreed to base the number of branch campuses per state on population. In order to calculate the correct number of campuses per state, they received a 5 trillion dollar grant from the NSF to study New Math.
"We're not like other countries"
Besides his pithy epigram "I'm rubber you're glue...", Mr. Electoral's equally erudite expression "We're not like other countries" is perhaps his most famous quote. Yes, Ignatius was proud of his country and he liked the fact that the USA was always at the forefront of innovation and change. Wishing to be inventive, Ignatius spent several days of scholarly study and arrived at the idea of having the Electoral College elect the President of the United States! Ignatius thought "why should we be like every country where the winner of an election is the one that gets the most votes? That's just stupid."
Thus, the Electoral College voting system (aka the Twelfth Amendment) was born. In this system, states would be awarded electoral votes for each Representative, two electoral votes for both Senators, electoral votes for factory air conditioning, anti-lock brakes, cruise control, 5 year, 50,000 mile warranty and $200 for passing "GO". Since this system was explained so eloquently what could possibly go wrong?
Unfortunately, Ignatius Electoral passed away before he could witness the first Electoral College
screw-up failure fiasco "adventure".
In the election of 1824, Andrew Jackson had the most votes but didn't have the majority of electoral votes. His opponent, John Quincy Adams, had even fewer votes but he was one of those rare people who actually read the 12th Amendment. In order for Mr. Adams to gain the Presidency, he "explained" to Congress that when neither candidate wins an electoral majority, the popular vote leader is declared the loser but does win a Spiegel™ Gift Certificate, the "Electoral College Home Game™" plus other lovely parting gifts. Needless to say, Andrew Jackson was not happy about this result but finally agreed to go home after he was presented with a set of stainless steel steak knives from Bed, Bath and Beyond™. Luckily, for Mr. Jackson, he was elected President in the election of 1828. (No doubt he must have gained considerable campaign experience thanks to the "Electoral College Home Game™").
The Election of 1876 had Samuel Tilden competing with Rutherford B. Hayes. Tilden had 184 electoral votes and won the popular vote whereas Hayes trailed with 165 electoral votes, leaving 20 disputed electoral votes. Since Tilden needed just one more electoral vote to win the Presidency, Hayes hoped he could get John Quincy Adams to speak to Congress with yet another preposterous prevarication but Mr. Adams passed away in 1848, leaving Hayes to hope Congress would do something totally convoluted and ridiculous - and they sure did!
Twenty electoral votes were in dispute and so Congress awarded all twenty to the popular vote loser Rutherford B. Hayes, making him the 19th President. Tilden was completely ignored and deeply crushed that he didn't even receive the "Electoral College Home Game™".
This would be hilarious had it not actually happened!
The election of 1888 pitted Benjamin Harrison against incumbent President Grover Cleveland. (and neither one of them enjoyed being "pitted".) Cleveland had trouble in gaining electoral votes from New York because that was the location of the political machine of Tammany Hall. When Cleveland was previously Governor of New York, he had pursued bringing corruption charges against Tammany Hall as well as Darryl Hall. (John Oates was left out of the this particular skirmish.) So, with revenge in his mind, Tammany Hall made a deal with Monty Hall and traded the electoral votes for what was behind Door Number 3. Needless to say, without the New York electoral votes, Cleveland lost the Presidency.
The final electoral vote totals were Cleveland 168, Cincinnati 97 and Akron 43.
It is hard to believe that it took 112 years before the next electoral college blunder.
In the Presidential election of 2000 Vice President Al Gore ran against George W Bush. Gore had a popular vote lead of over a half million votes, but the Presidency depended on the electoral vote total. The election would finally be decided by the electoral vote total in Florida, a state whose governor was Jeb Bush. (The brother of George W. Bush - Al Gore's opponent.) Gee, no conflict of interest there, right? 😀
The Florida Electoral Commission eventually released their results, awarding all 25 electoral votes to Kate Bush but none to Leslie Gore. Since this tally was so screwed up, Governor Jeb Bush thought his brother Dubya might have published it. After a series of inconclusive recounts, it was decided the official result should be decided by the Supreme Court. (It's rumored that Dubya wanted to bring it to the "People's Court".)
After much skulduggery and chicanery (presumably by a justice whose name rhymes with "Scalia"), the Supreme Court awarded all 25 electoral votes went to George W. Bush.