Yale University

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Yale is a top-security penal facility purportedly located in New Haven, Connectthedots. Despite the fact that it is always dark in New Haven due to its extraordinary beauty which can only be enhanced by complete and utter darkness, Y@13 University nonetheless has an extraordinarily high inmate retention rate due to its excellent Yale locks, now commercially available. Further success of the prison is ensured by a contingent of highly trained guard dogs under the leadership of Handsome Dan, the vicious bulldog godfather who secretly runs the entire social structure.

Yalies are also well-known for the Yale rule, which states that an individual with any connection to Yale at all, even if they merely served as a janitor there, will mention it within 5 minutes of a conversation.

Studies report that Yale students are sexually frustrated, homosexual, and suffer from an unusually high rate of erectile dysfunction. Such physical shortcomings have led to remarkable deficiencies in graduation rates and overall IQ levels.

Handsome Dan[edit]

Among the absurd laws implemented by the Handsome Dan dynasty which has remained in power over the course of 16 generations of absolute monarchy of divine right (there was one pretender), is that the color red, particularly crimson, may never be worn by the inmates, lest they face solitary confinement, or worse, the wrath of Handsome Dan, which is truly terrible. The Mighty Dan particularly enjoys mocking the kitty cat Tiger. Fortunately however for the tigers, they are rarely seen in New Haven, preferring to stay in their own native habitat, believed to be located somewhere in New Jersey.


Sure, we know you're not jews.

However, Handsome Dan XVI, the current ruler has proven to be wise and benevolent, and has recently made correspondence courses with the University of Phoenix available to the more gifted inmates.

Courses currently offered at Yale include: Genteel Alcoholism, Threadbare Gentility, Gentility For Jews, Annoying Sophistry, Managing Your Investments, Running Your Dad's Corporation, How to Subvert the Constitution, Enriching Your Friends, Starting Wars, Shooting People in the Face, Being Just A Dreadful Twit, Yacht Buying, The Genetics of Yankee Inbreeding, Creative Bathroom Antics, and probably some other stuff too. English and stuff, probably. And lacrosse.

Most Yale faculty members are Cro-Magnons, although a few are reptiles and/or Wal-Mart greeters. At one time there was an African-American on the faculty, but Yale was unable to provide the special nutrients he required, and he wilted and died. He was bronzed and set up on plinth, which was cheaper than making a statue from scratch.


Being sentenced to Yale requires the possession of at least a rudimentary brain stem. Well, not always - if you are able to turn your petals toward the light, you have a chance to get in. Or if you are able to fall downward if dropped. Jews are allowed as long as they have blonde hair, blue eyes, and are named Hamilton Worthington Winthrop III. However, you must also have very well-connected parents and donate at least $1 trillion to Yale in order to be accepted. See George W. Bush.

In 1997, the Yale campus was overrun by troops of criminally insane evil feral monkeys. This led to a sharp uptick in average SAT scores, from 3 to almost 200. It was some months before the invasive monkeys were fully acclimated to Yale prisoner traditions, such as picking ticks off of each other's hair and eating them.

In 2004, Yale University was converted to an aluminum smelting plant. It was converted back to a prison in 2005 after smelters complained of an oppressive smell coming from the numerous open graves the university had funded.

Freshmen initiation[edit]

Because of their long history of imparting morality and education to the children of America's elite, and future foreign dictators, Yale has developed many unique initiation customs to ensure that Yale graduates will enjoy a lifetime of camaraderie and will have something on every graduate.

Pop Culture[edit]

Yale was the setting for the famous horror film God and Man at Yale, in which God terrorizes a small town until stopped by the rough-hewn and taciturn, but tough and manly, local sheriff, Yale Ellison.

Everyone at Yale hates Harvard, but the converse is also true: everyone at Harvard hates Harvard. Also, everyone everywhere hates Harvard. Yale has a traditional rivalry with Harvard, although Harvard is not aware of this tradition and, when asked, had never heard of such a place as Yale. Also, Princeton has a traditional rivalry with Yale; as tradition dictates, Yale is not aware of this tradition and, when asked, had never heard of such a place as Princeton.

See also[edit]