Harvard University

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Harvard University
Harvard shield-vanitas.png
Motto Mercecus Erdios, in Eredus Edit, en Redain am Nulin Vargas (Fuck Shit Up, Burn Shit Down, Drink Hard and Die Young)
Established September 9, 1636 B.C.
School type Private
Head The Brain
Location Cambridge, Mass., U.S.
Campus Urban, 380 acres/ 3.43 x 10^3 square Cubits
Endowment Gazillions
Faculty 2,300 (Tenured: 5)
Mascot Yuri the Itchy Viking

Harvard University, also known as Harvard, also known as Harard (formally The Most Regal and Magnificent Diploma Mill of Harvard), also known as MIT's humanities department, is a private university in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Harvard is a magical leather filled location where professors inappropriately reach for your crotch. Harvard is mostly famous for one thing - the "Harvard Four Minute Rule." The "Harvard Four Minute Rule" refers to the fact that it takes, on average, four minutes, from the point of having been introduced to a Harvard grad for that person to casually mention that he/she graduated from Harvard.

Harvard's educational quality is so prestigious that as of 2010, Harvard University has officially quit accepting human applicants.

The founder

Student Life[edit]

Harvard University is the natural habitat of an endangered species known as ugly moronic people (Beastialus crimson), a species that many researchers had thought to be extinct before they looked in Cambridge, MA. In fact, many people had previously believed it was impossible for individuals to be both unattractive and unintelligent, as posited by the second law of college: the hotter, the dumber, and its converse: the drunker, the hotter.

Since like attracts like, Harvard students also report high amounts of sweaty ugly-bumping with other shameless self-promoters.

A high proportion of students and faculty suffer from hydrocephalus, or "big fat head syndrome." Because of this, Harvard University is renowned for its research for a cure.


It is a well-documented fact that Harvard graduates enjoy talking about Harvard. They like talking about it a lot (and we mean a lot). Typically, this is in the form of Harvard "promotion." Moreover, they will find clever ways to work Harvard into ordinary conversations. It is not uncommon for the following conversations to be overheard anywhere in the country:

"Looks like a cold spell is coming through."

"Sure enough, reminds me of some cold days. Cold, cold days. Cold days spent at Harvard. Cambridge sure gets cold. I told you I graduated from Harvard, no?"

"Sir, would you like paper or plastic?"

"Hmmm...that's a tough one, I do have milk, and the condensation on the outside of the container might eat through the paper, but on the other hand, plastic is not bio-degradable...quite a conundrum here."

"Sir, we have a long line, please choose paper or plastic."

"Decisions, decisions...brings me back to another time, back at Harvard, when I had to make decisions. Harvard class of '65, the "grand old class" they called us. I was in the finals club, and there it stood before me, bouillabaisse or no bouillabaisse...perhaps the greatest challenge I had faced up to that point..."

"Mr.Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the centre of a tootsy-roll pop?"

"Many factors can influence the number of licks it takes to get to the centre of a tootsie-roll pop. For a Harvard graduate, such as myself, it would only require one lick. It would take much more for you because the pH of your saliva just isn't as good as ours."

"Motherf**ker, you swiped my car...I'm going to waste your punk-ass!"

"Swiped indeed...reminds me of the time when I and my fellow Lowell house pranksters swiped the bust of Cornelius Vanderwall from the provost's office at Harvard. We had quite a chuckle that day...Ahh, it's so good interacting with 'salt-of-the-earth' folk like yourself...I so rarely do it...shall we talk more over a snifter?"

"Thank you for coming to our wedding. It means so much for us to have people who are so important to us joining us on our special day. We feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family...people like you, who are able to share in our joy today."

"I went to Harvard."

Grade Inflation[edit]

Internal documents in Harvard reveal this grading scale:

Acceptable = Harvard "A+ with garlands"
A "C" at another institution = "A+"
Poor ("C-") = "A"
"D" = "A-"

Only if a student receives a failing grade will there be any repercussions: they will be called in to talk to the professor. However, if they show any sign of tears they will immediately be given a grade of an A. Therefore, students at Harvard have perfected the art of crying on cue. Many have decided to use this talent to pursue a career in acting.

Promotion of Harvard[edit]

In another deceptive act of subtle, but shameless promotion, Harvard grads will often bring up Harvard's enormous endowment. Often, this will take the form of feigned dismay at the riches of their alma-mater. As stupid as it sounds, they will promote themselves by referring to an endowment collected at the expense of idiots like them, willing to make a bunch of snobs rich in exchange for being admitted to that self-cock-sucking club.

(** = The sly self-promoting language is starred for easy identification)

"Can you believe it?", A Harvard grad will casually ask, "Harvard has exposure to $7.2 billion in commodities and foreign stocks. Harvard has over $30 billion dollars**, and they're still asking me for a gift. $30 billion**! That's twice** as much as the next best university**, and probably ten times more than where you went to school. How can a school as rich** and powerful** as Harvard ask me for more money? And me, of all people, I'm just a doctor**. There are all of these famous** business leaders**, political leaders**, lawyers***, and other leading lights who could contribute much more than I.*."

Other Self Promoting Mechanisms[edit]

There are many other common mechanisms through which Harvard graduates will inject Harvard promoting idioms (or idiocy) into conversation. These are not documented anywhere.


Harvard University remained a small and obscure liberal arts school until 2001, when the movie "Legally Blonde" propelled it onto the national spotlight. It has gained fame by having more B-List movies made about it than any other academic institution in the United States.

Historians roundly agree that Harvard has always existed. Harvard professor of history, G. Grimley Kingfisher, PhD., MD, J.D., MBA, Harvard '57,'66, '68, '72, notes, "According to our archives, which incidentally, are the largest in the world, God was a Harvard graduate, class of '0. In fact, as far as we can tell, the universe was simply a prank that the unruly undergraduate dreamed up to stick it to his fellow housemates. Oh, and by the way, did I ever tell you that I went to Harvard?"

Harvard Supremacists[edit]

Harvard is the Alma Mater of the Intellectual Master Race, those Superior individuals who may know nothing and do less in their afterlife (though a few doubt there is intelligent life after having attended Harvard), but who the fuck cares ... they are the Intellectual Master Race! They do not need to prove anything, or achieve anything, they have a Harvard degree, you sub-human scum!!

Interesting facts[edit]

A recent survey showed that 90% of the homeless people in Cambridge were actually Harvard philosophy majors. Apparently they questioned the structure of modern society so much that they had to leave it.

Did you know: That rich people at Harvard have affirmative action too? It's called "legacy preferences." It means that the children of rich Harvard alumni will get into Harvard even though they wouldn't be able to get into Harvard on their own.


See also[edit]