UnBooks:Winnie the Shit

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Winnie the Pooh)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Book cover for Winnie The Shit

The future looks dull for Rabbit and Tigger who share the ownership of a shit patch in the shit. They formerly made deals in the mean streets of the 100 Acre Shit until their close friend, Winnie The Shit, betrayed them. He's since then been given the nickname of Winnie the Shit. For Winnie, the future is less clearly defined. A small-time hood, he works for the big and feared Mafia boss, Heffalump, making honey collections and reclaiming bad debts, but he is probably too nice to succeed. Stuck in a position which causes him a lot of misery, Winnie is forced to make difficult choices in the hope of finding peace. Past feuds subject the 100 Acre gang to big time hoods and sticky situations in the pursuit of honey and moves them all a step closer to a bitter, almost preordained future with the feared Heffalump breathing closely down their necks.

Chapter 1: The 100 Acre Hood[edit]

Rabbit and Tigger; Co Vegetable patch owners.

Bugsy Malone (AKA Rabbit) steps out into the concrete jungle to enjoy a breath of polluted air. "Ahhh... Home sweet home," he thinks as he watches some loud, annoying crows fly by. He looks up at the morbid, gray sky and considers the construction of a scarecrow to protect his precious vegetable patch which barely survives the dry weather and acid rain as it is.

"Oi! Tigger! Them crows are at it again! Get me the shotgun!" Rabbit shouts to his business partner and long time friend, Tigger. Tigger comes bouncing out of the house on his tail with a loaded double-barrel shotgun at the ready.

"Ooh b-b-b-boy! I sure do hope you get em. Oh go an' get em! Woooooheee!" Tigger exclaims as he dances around wildly with extreme excitement.

"There-there Tigger, it's just a couple o' crows ya know," Rabbit says as he aims for the nearest crow.

"Darn! I was hoping for some real action," Tigger says disappointed.

"Nah Tiggy, those days are over. All we are now is a couple of struggling vegetable patch owners," Rabbit says as he finally manages to shoot one of the crows out of the air on his fourth shot.

"But we can be so much more, Rabbit! We don't have to give up now!" Tigger replies insistently.

"We owe too much to Heffalump and, as Winnie has proven to us before, we don't know who to trust. Even if we did decide to get back into getting our hands dirty, the likeliness that we will end up swimming with the fishes is very high," Rabbit says as he grasps his shotgun even tighter, a look of deep loathing and anger crossing his floppy little face. "That little shit. I'll have my day, Winnie, I'll have my day," Rabbit says before firing one last shot into the air and randomly hitting a hapless pigeon who falls limply to the ground.

Chapter 2: Back room business[edit]

The intimidating and unexposed Heffalump.

Long, silvery strands of smoke slowly rise up into the air above a dark figure sitting in a comfortable leather chair. All that is visible behind the burning ember of his cigar is his great, big yellow eyes. "What news do you bring me, Winnie," says Heffalump with a deep, intimidating voice. Winnie nervously approaches and shakily places a dead crow on his desk.

"What's this?" Heffalump asks.

"B-b-Boss I-it's a c-c-crow," Winnie says fearfully.

"I noticed it's a crow, Winnie, but what is it doing on my desk and where is my honey?" Heffalump says before impatiently rapping his fingers on the table while awaiting a reasonable answer.

"B-boss I found it on 7th Street near the fruit and veg market. I think I may have found their whereabouts," Winnie replies in a frightful whimper.

"Well then? Why have you not interrogated them?" Heffalump asks.

"They-they have a shotgun, sir! I came to ask you if I could take Piglet with me. He has a way with people; they seem to be terrified of him," Winnie replies.

"You useless little shit. I knew I was making a mistake when I asked you to join the family. You better start showing some gutspah soon sonny boy or it will be you that takes this crow's place....Now go bury him next to the corpse of that Christopher boy or whatever his name was, and don't let anyone see you! Kapish?" Heffalump demands.

Winnie replies, "Y-yes sir. I p-promise not to disappoint you."

Later, Winnie drags his big, fluffy feet on the ground while carrying an empty honey jar. "I'm runnin out man...what am I going to do? I can't live without no honey! Man, why did I get myself into this damn mess?" he thinks while using his paw to scrape out any last bit of honey he possibly can. He takes a good lick of the sticky honey before settling down against a wall. A soft smile crosses his face as he looks up at the suddenly sunnier sky. In his heart he knows that this moment of pleasure will only last until the next gray cloud comes along to dampen the day, but nevertheless he decides to enjoy as much of the moment as he can.

As he thinks, he recalls the joyous moments he used to have with his former friends; poker nights at his Uncle Owl's, a good few grams of pollen to keep the party alive, the wonderful sounds of a scratchy gramophone and good ole Auntie Kanga's home-made cookies.

As a thunderous, shadowy cloud steals over the sun, the dark memory of a life-changing night maliciously worms it's way into Winnie's mind and the sounds of clashing pots and pans and a screaming cat ring in his ears. His expression changes from tranquil to deeply serious as his feeling of insecurity returns.

Chapter 3: Getting along like a house on fire[edit]

Dun, dun dun... Behold! The Pink Prejudiced Piglets...

The intimidating sound of "Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn," is heard nearby as Rabbit peeks outside his window to see their brand new scarecrow on fire. "Dun dun dunnnnn. Dun dun dunnnn-,"

"TIGGER! Would you stop saying dun dun dun, please!" Rabbit exclaims while frantically searching for a source of water to extinguish the flames.

"Sorry Rabbyo! I just thought it added a much needed ambience to the situation," Tigger says while bouncing up and down on his tail as usual.

"You could be helping me save our vegetables instead!" Rabbit says angrily as he grabs hold of a watering can. Tigger looks around and, after a moment, takes a mouthful of water and bounces out of the house to the vegetable patch with his cheeks inflated. Rabbit turns around to go fetch some more water and stops in his tracks to look at Tigger with a puzzled expression.

"What are you doing, Tigger?" Rabbit asks in disbelief. Before he can stop him, Tigger accidentally spits out a stream of water into Rabbit's annoyed face while trying to answer him.

"IDIOT!" Rabbit exclaims furiously as he hurriedly knocks Tigger out of the way to get more water.

"W-Was it something I said?" Tigger asks as he trots into the house after Rabbit.

Just as Rabbit turns to run outside again, his eyes widen in horror and he drops the can of water as he sees a hooded figure standing in front of the half burning, half smoldering scarecrow.

"What is it Rab-" But before Tigger can ask Rabbit what is wrong, he too sees the hooded figure. Soon a few more pink hooded figures approach them and the leading one removes his hood to reveal himself.

"I shoulda known... it's the PPP." Rabbit says as he nervously twitches his nose.

"Who's the PPP?" Tigger softly asks in Rabbit's ear.

"Heffalump's newly formed group called the Pink Prejudiced Piglets, and I will give you ten guesses who the leader is," Rabbit says as he eyes the short little evil-looking, pink bee-pig-mouse thing standing in the front.

"Hmmm, lets see. Is it John? Orr maybe Timmy. Wait, wait I have eight guesses lef-"

"B-b-behold!" Piglet says before Tigger can continue. "Oh! S-s-sorry w-w-what I meant to say was, F-f-freeze mother f-fuckers!"

Rabbit and Tigger both look at each other and start to laugh before Rabbit says, "A-a-and w-w-whatcha gonna do, s-s-stutter us to death?"

Piglet pulls out a minigun from within his stripy pouch thing and points it at them before saying, "I-I I’ll see all y-y-ya'll motherfuckers at your m-m-motherfucking funerals!"

Rabbit and Tigger quickly turn and obey Piglet. "Now I’m s-s-saving ya for H-h-Heffalump. Y-you're coming with us," Piglet says, and soon enough the group of pink hooded piglets closes in on them and captures them, before throwing them into a van and into absolute darkness.

Chapter 4: Meeting the man-ephant[edit]

Eeyore...the whiney motherfucker

"Hello... Anybody there... Where am I...? Hello?" Rabbit says into the darkness of his blindfold which he desperately tries to see through while his hands are tied to the back of the chair on which he has been placed.

"I want to play a game," says a deep voice from somewhere.

"Ooh weee! A game!" Tigger says from somewhere in the darkness.

"Not that kind of game Tig- TIGGER! You’re here!" Rabbit says before the voice echo's through the room again.

'"Shut up! I am Heffalump, the most coolest dude ever with lots of power and honey and stuff. You are to each show me some honey or plan to be burried next to a...Dun-dun-dun... dead crow. And as for you Eeyore... you gonna die... Muhaha,"

"Thank... you... boss... please... just... don't... keep... me... alive... any... longer," Eeyore replies in his miserable, droned donkey voice.

"Eeyore? What are you doing here?" Rabbit asks surprised.

"Anxiously... waiting... for... death...and an end to my endless pain," Eeyore replies dryly.

"I'm with you Eeyore. I'm with you on that one," another familiar voice says from somewhere beside Eeyore.

"WINNIE! You little shit! You will meet your end soon enough!"

"I know what I have done was wrong, and you have every right to want me dead, Rabbit, but know that I am truly sorry," Winnie replies in a soft tone.

"Well sorry doesn't help much at this point does it? Not even Oprah can help us now," Rabbit says in a hopeless and slightly sarcastic tone.

"I will give you all fifteen minutes to somehow get me the honey. I don't care how you do it, become bees and build a hive if you have to, just get me the honey," Heffalump says through the loudspeaker before complete silence ensues.

"What are you in here for anyway?" Rabbit asks, before Winnie replies.

"They wanted me to join the PPP and help capture you, but I refused and so they told Heffalump... and now here I am."

"Tigger? Why so quiet? You haven't said a word...Tigger?" Rabbit says suddenly while trying to see once again through his blindfold.

"Oh...I am just trying to get this stuck piece of deer or whatever it is I ate earlier out of my teeth using my claw," Tigger replies casually with a slight lisp.

"But aren't you tied up? Surely you can’t really be able to do that?" Rabbit asks very confused.

"Oh yeah that's because I used my sharp claws to cut through the rope," Tigger says before making suckling sounds through his teeth and giggling goofily.

The novel Winnie the Shit is also available in paperback.

"You are untied and just sitting there! TIGGER! Untie us you fool!" Rabbit exclaims in a shouting whisper.

"Please don't untie me, I have been waiting so eagerly for death and wish to see it through," Eeyore says slowly and drearily.

Tigger quickly unties Rabbit and, before he attempts to untie Winnie or Eeyore, Rabbit stops him and says, "Let them suffer Tigger, they both deserve it."

"Oh come on Rabbit! No one deserves the wrath of Heffalump! Do you really want to give Heffalump that satisfaction if any satisfaction at all?" Tigger says with surprising, newfound intelligence.

"But they caused us so much pain!" Rabbit says with teary eyes.

"I know Rabbit, but everyone makes mistakes," Tigger says sympathetically.

"I guess the fact that you didn't join the PPP does tell me something. Alright, untie them and be quick about it!" Rabbit says while peering at the loudspeaker as though it is watching them.

Chapter 5: Lock, stock and two smoking motherfuckers[edit]

Winnie becomes...The Shit...

Reunited once again, the four friends manage to break through the door and stealthily knock out an unsuspecting guard. Rabbit is the first to pick up his weapon before retrieving three more weapons for Tigger, Winnie and Eeyore. Rabbit quickly takes Eeyore's gun away after seeing him hold it to his own head. "I think I’ll just cover you, Eeyore, and take some damn antidepressants will ye!" Rabbit says impatiently, before leading the pack around the corners.

Suddenly an alarm goes off and gunshots begin to fire. "BANG-BANG-BANG-Lotsmorebanging-Morebangbangbangity bangs and so on." After lots of ricochets and near misses. Rabbit falls to the ground. He has been hit. Winnie rushes over to Rabbit and tries to comfort him.

"You hang in there, Rabbit! Stay with me! Stay with me, damn it! You’re not leaving us you hear! You’re gonna die old in bed of Parkinson’s disease after having lots of little bunny babies with a bunny woman," Winnie says desperately to Rabbit who simply blinks at him and replies, "Uh... I only got hit in my shoulder. I'm not dying Winnie, but thanks."

"Oh," Winnie replies slightly embarrassed before standing up and helping Rabbit to his feet. "Ok. Good then lets tear this building to the floor! Die motherfuckers dieeeeeee!" Winnie exclaims as he fires thousands of rounds at various enemies. Tigger bounces up and down and shoots absolutely everything in his way while giggling in his usual goofy way. Together the four potent evaders manage to fend off all enemies and silence ensues as they stand back to back in a thick cloud of smoke caused by the debris and gunfire.

"You little chums got lucky this time. You may have won this battle, but I will most certainly win the war. My constant use of cliché sentences will ensure that I always remain popular with my leftover friends and they will help me rise once again to power," Heffalump booms over the loudspeaker.

"Quick! We have to get to his office!" Rabbit says as he traipses up the stairs three at a time. They bust into Heffalump's office violently to find an empty leather chair where the dark silhouette of Heffalump used to always sit. Outside, the loud sound of an engine barely reaches their ears and the four friends quickly dash in the direction of the noise.

Eventually they reach the top of the roof where a helicopter has already taken off. "We're too late!" Tigger says as they all watch the helicopter take off into the distance. A small, blue stump-like hand waves at them from the distance and then disappears with the rest of the helicopter.

Chapter 6: The good the bad and the wrecked[edit]

And Piglet serves life in prison

"He will come back for us for sure! What are we going to do?" Winnie says, worriedly.

"I think we should go where all refugees go...Mexico!" Tigger says after grabbing a sombrero and throwing it onto his head while dancing about crazily.

"Don't be silly Tigger, we can't go to Mexico," Rabbit says while shaking his head.

"That’s not actually such a bad idea," Winnie says after some consideration. "It is the easiest border to cross in the world without having to provide any passports, and Heffalump will never find us there."

"You know the saying though, you can run but you can never hide. He will find us somehow," Rabbit says helplessly.

"Rubbish! The world is far too big with millions of hiding places. It would be like finding a needle in a haystack," Winnie argues between fresh scoops of honey that he retrieved from Heffalump's mansion.

"But what if-" Rabbit says before being interrupted by Winnie.

"What if what? It's a chance we take isn't it? What other option do we have anyway?"

"We could always commit a mass suicide and peacefully pass on to a painless world of darkness," Eeyore randomly says while sadly staring out of the open window.

"Here, Eeyore, take these," Rabbit says as he passes him some white pills.

"I suppose you’re right," Rabbit says to Winnie, "We could always go and open a new little vegetable patch where we can start fresh. Yeah, I think I’d like that." The friends all toast, but their toast is interrupted suddenly by a pink, masked little pig-bee-mouse thing which comes storming into Rabbit and Tigger’s house.

"Muhaha I h-h-have f-f-found you! I will Av-v-venge my PPP brothers and prejudice will c-c-conquer!" Piglet says in an imitation similar to a supervillain, but not quite.

"Oh shut up, you little Hitler," Winnie says as he gently lifts tiny, little Piglet by the hem of his pink robe and throws him into an empty bird cage. Piglet protests and squeals.

Rabbit says, "We will turn him in tomorrow and then be off to you-know-where."

"Ooh! Where, Rabbit, where?" Tigger says excitedly.

"Oh Tigger, if only your mother didn't drop you on your head when you were a baby," Rabbit says sarcastically before Winnie, Rabbit and even Eeyore all burst into hysterical laughter, leaving Tigger with a dumbfound expression on his face.

Chapter 7: The finale[edit]

The group sneaks onto an airplane and arrive in Mexico. Heffalump looks around. "Where are they?", he says. But the group is safely in Mexico where they build a new house.

"Now we can live in peace" says Winnie, "Heffalump can't find us." So the group lived happily ever after and never had to worry about the Mafia again.