UnNews:Harvard unveils new karaoke program

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8 February 2007

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A Harvard man attempts karaoke without proper training.

BOSTON (Associated Priss) - Harvard University announced on Wednesday its largest curriculum overhaul in over three decades, putting an emphasis on overcoming U.S. "karaokealism."

The university, the oldest in the U.S., has been criticized recently for focusing far too much on its academics program at the expense of its get-drunk-and-sing program. Revisions have been in the works for over three years.

"Sometimes it's not just about books and blackboards," noted John Ledleheimer, Associate Dean of Janitorial Studies. "Harvard is committed to training its students with life skills. Singing drunk at a dive bar on a Tuesday happens to all of us at some point in our lives, and it would be moral poverty for Harvard not to address it." Ledleheimer then went back to mopping.

The revision has not been met without criticism. When asked about her cocaine addiction, Kate Moss replied, "If I'm drunk and I'm singing, I'm awesome!" Further research indicated that she did not know that Pete Doherty was a reformed Taoist. Moss later died of bowel injuries.

Two Harvard graduates jockey to eat a microphone.

On campus, reception to the news has been mostly upbeat. Remarked freshman Todd Clover, "My parents are paying for me to go to college what most Americans make in a lifetime. If Harvard didn't offer the full package, they'd be pissed!" His friends then lowered him from the kegstand he was performing and applauded.

The final say will come down to a faculty vote scheduled for next leap year. Norman Breslin, Dean of UnJournalism, is confident that the new curriculum will be passed.

"Sometimes I think to myself, 'Are we teaching these kids too much?' And the answer is a resounding yes," he theorized while aiming at a spittoon. "Sometimes tuition is better spent at Judy's, belting out liquored Reel 2 Real lyrics and leaving your drink unattended."

Upon request, Breslin declined giving a performance of "Drop It Like It's Hott."

Pete Doherty was unavailable for comment.

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