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The news outlet with approval higher than Congress UnNews Wednesday, December 1, 2021, 06:59:59 (UTC)

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Biden lowers gas prices
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Joe Biden has finally found a way to lower gasoline prices, which have nearly doubled since the days that CNN refers to as the Before Time.

Cancelling pipelines and oil-leasing contracts have proven ineffective at this national goal, but the President has now delegated NIAID Director Dr. Anthony Fauci to take time away from his beagles and work the problem. Full story»

Noah refused entry to COP2600BC
GOMORRAH -- Biblical prophet Noah was refused entry to the Tower of Babel Climate Change Conference (or COP2600BC in Sumerian). The wild-eyed Israelite and his family were turned away by Philistines.

Noah fumed, "I have it on very good authority (from God, as it so happens) that the world is not overheating. Instead, we're all going to drown in a vast ocean unless we all build ships like mine." Full story»


Zuckerberg creates his own universe
SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Facebook Grand Master Mark Zuckerberg has opted to become immortal by turning himself into an ever-youthful meme.

Zuckerberg stated, "I am going fully digital now. Facebook is dead to me. I am going for the Full Meta Jacket!" Full story»

Musk creates own University for gender studies
AUSTIN, Texas -- Elon Musk will create the Texas Institute of Technology & Science (TITS) in this large U.S. state.

Musk said the University would sell "epic merch" and be well-endowed, or at least its female instructors would be. Musk said degree candidates would get "a lot of Ds." Full story»


Haugen brings Facebook exposé to Westminster crusties
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Whistleblower Frances Haugen is bringing her searing assessment of Facebook to a UK government Joint Committee, working on an online safety bill.

The ex-employee is criticising Mark Zuckerberg’s company by presenting thousands of images of her astonishing culinary skills and adorable children to the senile committee. Full story»

Kirk beams up for real
VAN HORN, Texas -- Captain James Tiberius Kirk (the non-rebooted one) blasted off Wednesday to become the oldest ham in space.

Ninety-year-old actor William Shatner, who long ago morphed into the character he has played since leaving school, was ready to literally "Oldly Go Where No Wrinkly Star Has Gone Before." Full story»


Too many pigs in petrol-starved Britain
LONDON -- British farmers are warning that pig production is in an oversupply crisis. The inability to find enough qualified abbatoir workers means they are being slaughtered at home and their bodies thrown on to bonfires.

The pig breeders claim the government of Prime Minister Boris Johnson has ignored the situation for the past year and instead has worked on his political comedy routine. Full story»

King of Canada slams "pointless" vote
OTTAWA, Ontario -- (Gnome-speakernotes.svg listen) Rex (Latin for "King") Murphy has described as "pointless" Justin Trudeau's "snap" call for federal elections on September 20.

According to His Majesty, "You don't call an election because you would like a majority, but because it seems likely that you will get a majority. Thought everyone knew that one." Full story»


Taliban leaders ban shaving again
KABUL, Afghanistan -- The new Taliban government of Afghanistan outlined its plans for the country. Razors are out, beard trimmers are back in.

The Taliban claim they will be better at public relations than their previous run in power from 1996-2001, when they banned everything that didn't have a beard and executed 'adulterers', 'apostates' and 'dancers' in the football stadium. Full story»

Australia won't rescue more Afghani; country "not big enough"
KABUL, Afghanistan -- With the U.S. withdrawing its forces, this country is rapidly falling to the Taliban.

Australian PM Scotty Morrison said, "We all saw those tragic videos from Kabul of people clinging to the sides of aircraft. Unfortunately, our own country is literally...bursting at the seams with people. Today in Australia, it is difficult to even swing one's arms around without hitting someone." Full story»


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George bush is dumb

TV Highlights December 1


'George the Edgy Children
Disney 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
"George Does Drugs" George is offerred drugs, and forgets that winners don't do drugs.

Holy Shi.... Shit Fiction
ShiTV 4:20 AM weEDT/3:20 CDT
In the series premiere, scientists talk about shit.

South Park Adult Animation
Comedy Central 10:00 PM EDT/9:00 PM CDT
Timmy