UnNews:Starmer wins British general election

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18 July 2024

Keir Starmer beams about the foregone conclusion.

LONDON, United Kingdom -- Labour Party leader Sir Keir Starmer easily won the British general election against Conservative Party leader Rishi Sunak. The latter's political kamikaze stunt cost him his job whilst his Tories were reduced to three men and a dog. It was Labour's greatest victory since Tony Blair was Prime Minister.

Starmer's socialists outnumber their opponents in the House of Commons by over 200 seats. Other winners in this election were the stuntman antics from the Liberal Democrats leader Ed Davey, the tree-huggers of the Green Party and the British Donald Trump fan club chapter known as Reform UK. Their leader, Nigel Farage, enters Parliament on only his eighth attempt, though he will have to stand outside most of the time, as he likes a smoke and the Houses of Parliament are a notorious fire risk.

'This election was a watershed,' said Prime Minister Starmer. 'My party has fully recovered from our Jeremy Corbyn-induced extreme-left fever to end up as winners. Now my government will go BIG on governance.'

Starmer defended his government's vote share at less than 35% and denied that he was a 'boring, four-eyed' lawyer. However, political journalists are gloomy that a boring government will provide them with fewer scandals to report on.

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