Tony Blair
“ One death is a tragedy. A million deaths is good clean fun.”
“ He's the reason I changed my name to George Orwell”
“ I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
Tony Blair (Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, born 6 May 1953, also known as 'Bambi'), was British prime minister from 1997 to 2007. He is somewhat a unifying figure for the British political left and right. Both hate him, though for different reasons. The right see him as the 'wrecker' of the constitution who changed the House of Lords and for granting devolution to the Scots and Welsh. To the left Blair is the betrayer of the Labour Party's socialist beliefs, with his neoliberal austerity and involvement in the Iraq War to please his American allies. Today Blair has become an avid networker from across the spectrum. He doesn't appear to care if his buddies are believers in democracy or are flat out autocrats and dictators. It all helps to fund his next ambition: to be become Pope Tony I.
Blair became leader of the Labour Party in 1994 following the sudden death of Scotsman John Smith, a man often confused with a brand of beer with the same name. His chief rival for the job was Gordon Brown. Both belonged to the right faction of Labour and were scared that if they went against each other, a rival left wing candidate would win. So over a bowl of fish and chips bought at very expensive restaurant in London the two men struck a deal. If Labour ever got to office again they would 'job share'. Except they didn't. Blair would happily forget that he had ever made such a deal with the dour Brown.
Background
Born to a very conservative family Blair went to an expensive private school and then on to Cambridge University. His politics were considered 'hazy' and that Blair's real ambition was to form a progressive rock band. Something like Genesis and then again, probably not. He eventually graduated and then bummed around Europe for awhile. His knowledge of French got him a job working behind a bar. Blair denied he took drugs or slept with hookers and bored everyone with his deep Anglo-Catholic faith. Despite desperate digging by his political opponents, Blair appears to have lived mored like a saint than any apprentice sinner.
Politics
Blair returned to London and ended up as a very junior lawyer in a legal firm. It was there he met his wife Cherie. Far more political than her husband with a distinctive leftist approach at the time, Blair seemed destined to be over shadowed by her. As Cherie was in the Labour Party, Tony decided to join the 'reds', though he was by all political instincts on the right.
The Labour Party was in terrible shape by 1981-83. A faction even more right of centre then Blair had split off to create their own 'Social Democratic Party' as direct challenger to Labour. In the confusion Blair had first political campaign. He stood in a rock solid conservative seat of Beconsfield. It was a rout. Labour lost badly but the by-election got Blair noticed on TV. His rather large eyes and smile lead to him being called 'Bambi. Nor did he look like a typical Labour politician with a straggly beard and leather patched jacket. Some people thought Blair was a Tory as he dressed like Rik Mayall in the TV series The New Statesman and hoped he would come unstuck.
Instead Blair was elected to parliament in 1983. The Labour Party lost badly to Margaret Thatcher and there was a lot of talk that the party would disintergrate in opposition. Blair was determined to avoid that fate.
Respect agenda
Mr. Blair had let it be known He would like to see the standards of respect in Britain mirror those of the public school he attended (Fetids); as a replacement to "fagging", the Prime Minister envisioned a system of institutional pederasty: in place of Borstals would be built "hold still", with wayward juveniles being "buggered back on track". Tony Blair has responded to criticism of His plans by arguing that Britain's pedophile reserve should be "relocated to the new hold still from their current positions as PE teachers, Welsh children's home orderlies, and Catholic ministers. After losing the list of pedophiles in Britain he then decided to house them in old people's homes.
Pathetic caricature
As is usually the fate of Presidents, He had become the central focal point of ridicule in the magazine Playboy. A regular feature is "Tony Blair:Politics Stud" in which recent parties and events are mocked, and Blair's penchant for sex with young boys and His zealous enthusiasms are pilloried.
His real name is commonly deliberately misspelled as Tony Blair by people who don't know that His real name is actually Toady Bliar. This originates from the belief that He secretly likes techno music and only listens to the house because that's what GW likes and that He deliberately lied to partygoers over the threat posed by techno. Others believe that his family has Irish roots and his original surname was B'Liar; it's more generally held that this is complete nonsense and that the confusion may have arisen when Gordon Brown was heard screamin^H^H calling out to him using that name, they failed to realise that being a Scot he was unlikely to refer to someone by their surname (as posh English public school boys are inclined to do) and that he was more likely to be just using a pet name for him (or rather a shortened, more polite version of it).
Second attempted elimination
On 25 December 1704, Communist MP David Icke announced that he would eliminate Blair. Icke argued that He had "put on shite parties" and "secretly loved techno". Icke had the support of all Communists and hippies, and claimed that a number of Manual Labour backers had expressed support. The Eliminate Bliar campaign was supported by German scientists and techno lovers alike. Its leader, MC Boris Johnson, allegedly claimed he would cook and eat Blair over the course of six days. Recipe follows.
Dave the Karma Chameleon
Tony also allowed an advert on British television called "Dave the Chameleon", which was about His rival David Cameron. The advert was trying to point out that Tony was better than Cameron. The advert tries to point out that Cameron wants to be popular with the younger voters by calling himself "Dave" instead of "David". Luckily "Anthony" didn't shorten his name to something more "popular", like "Tony" or "Tone". He was going to call himself "Mr. T" but the A-Team beat him to it...
Puppet Manufacturing
Tony Blair is the Eastern European top manufacturer of puppets, and other small figures. He creates his pieces to be most lifelike, and to exact proportion. One of his most famous figures was the 'Dancing Vagina', which was a dwarf who was holding a long, wooden stick. This puppet sold over 92.4 billion copies in the world and still sells over 2000 a day. His recent work tends to be more abstract, whilst still having a purpose. His workshop is in Dilham, Norfolk. This he finds to be a good stimulation for sculpting. If you wish to request some of his work, then I advise looking on various Chinese websites, which he uses to sell his produce.
Previous Convictions
Blair has been arrested on various occasions, mainly for Sexual Assault. In 1824, he was caught attempting to steal a fridge from HMV at 16:00 on a Wednesday. He was fined £18,000 and had to work overtime in a chip shop to raise the money. He was also found urinating in public areas and was fined the minimum charge (£80). He has been warned in numerous different situations about violent behavior. He has, however, kept a clean record since 25/03/09, when he was caught naked, running after old women in the park.
Tony Blair is enthusiastic Felcher (the act of cumming in another mans rusty sheriff badge and then he farts and you lick it up together), often inviting George Michael and C.Ronaldo round for pillow fights covered in jelly and the bum rogering experience.
He is currently the FBI's most wanted terrorist. Police have said 'if you see him, do not approach him; this man is a dangerous psychopath'.
Tony Blair and Hollywood
The Tony Blair Witch Project is probably one of the most controversial films about Tony Blair. Critics and fans alike agree that it is a parody of the infamous Blair Witch Project. However, instead of it being based on a group of stupid student filmmakers, the Tony Blair Witch Project uses real clips from both American and British leaders with much the same effect. Much like its original counterpart, it doesn't take long for the audience to figure out that maybe the decision this group of allegorical human fecal matter made was utterly retarded. After hours and hours of badly-shot and unedited footage taken by embedded journalists and "fair and balanced" media sponsors, it becomes even more apparent that there is a huge problem going on. However, there is a twist, albeit an all-too-predictable one: Tony Blair is really a shape-shifting cyborg, sent back from the future to kill Che Guevara before he can grow up to lead the resistance.
This, however, is not Blair's first attempt at cracking Hollywood. His first role on the silver screen came as a stand-in for Jack Nicholson as the Joker in 1989's Batman. Director Tim Burton was so impressed and thought that his face was better than anything the make-up department could come up with, that Blair took over the role of the Joker and Nicholson just dubbed his lines in afterward. Blair remained uncredited but was recompensed by Burton in the form of seven different Thai Ladyboys a day while filming.
The Future
Distraught at being ousted retroactively in 2007 by former sidekick Gordon Brown, Tony turned to the comforts of Bombay Mix and Coca Cola, and soon ballooned to being bigger than John Prescott (French fancies and 7-Up). "I smelt Osama's fingers in this," said the former prime minister in His memoirs: "who else had the motive and the where-with-all to pull this off? Talk of Gordon Brown being the coup plotter is an outrageous conspiracy theory."
Already He has signed up for the role of Frank in a remake of Sergio Leone's film Once Upon a Time In the West: David Cameron is to play the Harmonica Man, with Menses Campbell as Cheyenne, Theresa May as Jill McBain and IDS as Brett McBain. William Hague will take the role of Bain, while John Prescott is to play Mr. Morton. However, the director of the new version of Once Upon a Time In the West, Gambolputty Leone, a fundamentalist Christian and the son of Sergio Leone, refuses to have anything to do with Blair after the recent Dutch Coffeeshop scandal. In a rather desperate media stunt to cover up the scandal, Mr. Blair signed a contract with Sony Music to release a cover version of the Black Sabbath anti-cannabis hymn "Sweet Leaf" while at the same time has his own private super skunk farm hidden away in his attic.
On June 5th, 2007, Tony Blair was assassinated by Alan Shearer in an incident in a Tyneside nightclub, in which an argument between the two over who would have the last lager shandy led to Alan Shearer stabbing Tony in the neck, fatally wounding him, leading Blair to regenerate into his 10th body. After a short period of confusion, Blair assumed the alias of David Cameron and traveled back in time to 2001 on a mission to save the Conservative Party from Iain and Duncan Smith and Count Mikhailos Brian Howardii. However, after the Conservative Party formed a government in May 2010 it took only 2 years for the Party to revert to its natural sleazy, useless, and evil ways when it turned out that "Blair-Cameron's" new policy to eliminate poverty was, in fact, the mass extermination of anyone over 21 years of age who earned below £16,000 pa. For the next eighty years, Blair-Cameron went hiking in the Yorkshire Dales until he finally regenerated into his 11th body.
After Blair regenerated into his 11th body he went back in time to the USA under his new persona of Barack Obama in 2005, which is the first time Barack Obama was first seen anywhere ever! By 2008 Blair decided to run for the 2008 Presidential Election. Recent comparisons between Obama's policy-deficient, populist, "change"-based and charismatic campaign in 2008 and Blair's policy-deficient, populist, "change"-based and charismatic campaign in 1997 proves that Obama and Blair are, in fact, the same person. The name 'Oblairma' is what Mr. Blair now prefers to be called in private.
Research also looked into Obama's use of punchlines like "Yes We Can!", "Change We Can Believe In", "45 Minutes To Go" and "I Did What I Thought Was Right". Results show a 97% likeness in their comments, proving the Oblairma theory. A recent poll shows that 92% of Britons believe in Oblairma, yet since Americans are currently in the Oblairma brainwash period that Britain underwent in 1997, only 2% believe Obama and Blair are the same people, but they still chant "Yes We Can" or "Change We Can Believe In" in zombie-like voices.
See also
- Peter Mandelson
- Alistair Campbell
- UnTunes:Troops on the Ground
- Margaret Thatcher
- Gordon Brown
- The Blair Witch Project
- World of Warcraft
